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I am sad and desperate and hopeless again
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 745607" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My son will not meet me after all. I woke up to a text sent at 4 am that he was going to the big city to meet some guy who somebody told him could "help me with my problems." I have been giving him any number of leads about where he can get help, or find resources...but he will not follow up on anything I say. He has to do it his way.</p><p></p><p>I have to say I am sad. But at the same time I slept badly, and was frightened at night, and woke up fearful that I would get panicked again.</p><p></p><p>So. I guess this is the right thing for now. At least for today. I am grateful he let me know he would not be there.</p><p></p><p>Baggy. I want to address your sense you might be judged.</p><p></p><p>People come to this forum in crisis. Sometimes the crisis has gone on so long that the crisis has congealed into a lifestyle. Of fear, bitterness, rigidity. Some of us change into reactive, and even judgmental people, in a perpetual startle response, with respect to our beloved children.</p><p></p><p>I know I have been among the most open-minded of people. And now? Not so much. I seem to have turned into a suffragette marching with a Demon Rum sign. I have to have something to hold culpable, as responsible, so as to not be crushed by fear and regret and guilt. And if I focus on this one thing, marijuana, my demon rum, there comes to be a chance, that there can be normalcy once again. Paradise regained.</p><p></p><p>None of this has anything to do with anybody else except for my own struggle to deal with our circumstances. There is no judgement here.</p><p>When I was a very young woman, I lived in Berkeley and near Haight Ashbury. While I was not a party girl, I did experiment a couple of times with Mescaline which was like LSD. I don't know if people anymore know what Mescaline is. I don't hear the term lately.</p><p></p><p>Anyway. on one of the trips we were driving from San Francisco to Santa Cruz. I remember my friends needing to restrain me from throwing myself off a cliff on the Pacific Coast Highway. When I used any type of drug, especially, a mind-altering drug, I descended into chaos. Terror. It would be many years before I would learn why.</p><p></p><p>That this was my baseline, this terror and chaos, that I struggled to suppress my whole life and to override with achievement. Maybe had I been older, had more support, more resources, I could have used this revelation to integrate and master these feelings and perceptions and structure and inform my life. And I could have lived a vastly different life.</p><p></p><p>But I was none of those things. I was young, without support, and without personal resources, but intensely ambitious for myself. Except for the latter, like the difficult children represented on this board.</p><p></p><p>That said, I agree wholeheartedly about the spiritual channels that are sometimes opened up by these substances. There are gifted people, with support, with community, with structure, who are able, unlike me, to travel this expanded path, and to bring it back to enrich their personal experience and our shared world. But they are not our kids. Who are more like I was. I would never ever again use a strong drug.</p><p></p><p>But the reality here is nobody has any control. Not with our kids or anybody else. It is what it is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 745607, member: 18958"] My son will not meet me after all. I woke up to a text sent at 4 am that he was going to the big city to meet some guy who somebody told him could "help me with my problems." I have been giving him any number of leads about where he can get help, or find resources...but he will not follow up on anything I say. He has to do it his way. I have to say I am sad. But at the same time I slept badly, and was frightened at night, and woke up fearful that I would get panicked again. So. I guess this is the right thing for now. At least for today. I am grateful he let me know he would not be there. Baggy. I want to address your sense you might be judged. People come to this forum in crisis. Sometimes the crisis has gone on so long that the crisis has congealed into a lifestyle. Of fear, bitterness, rigidity. Some of us change into reactive, and even judgmental people, in a perpetual startle response, with respect to our beloved children. I know I have been among the most open-minded of people. And now? Not so much. I seem to have turned into a suffragette marching with a Demon Rum sign. I have to have something to hold culpable, as responsible, so as to not be crushed by fear and regret and guilt. And if I focus on this one thing, marijuana, my demon rum, there comes to be a chance, that there can be normalcy once again. Paradise regained. None of this has anything to do with anybody else except for my own struggle to deal with our circumstances. There is no judgement here. When I was a very young woman, I lived in Berkeley and near Haight Ashbury. While I was not a party girl, I did experiment a couple of times with Mescaline which was like LSD. I don't know if people anymore know what Mescaline is. I don't hear the term lately. Anyway. on one of the trips we were driving from San Francisco to Santa Cruz. I remember my friends needing to restrain me from throwing myself off a cliff on the Pacific Coast Highway. When I used any type of drug, especially, a mind-altering drug, I descended into chaos. Terror. It would be many years before I would learn why. That this was my baseline, this terror and chaos, that I struggled to suppress my whole life and to override with achievement. Maybe had I been older, had more support, more resources, I could have used this revelation to integrate and master these feelings and perceptions and structure and inform my life. And I could have lived a vastly different life. But I was none of those things. I was young, without support, and without personal resources, but intensely ambitious for myself. Except for the latter, like the difficult children represented on this board. That said, I agree wholeheartedly about the spiritual channels that are sometimes opened up by these substances. There are gifted people, with support, with community, with structure, who are able, unlike me, to travel this expanded path, and to bring it back to enrich their personal experience and our shared world. But they are not our kids. Who are more like I was. I would never ever again use a strong drug. But the reality here is nobody has any control. Not with our kids or anybody else. It is what it is. [/QUOTE]
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