I am so angry at difficult child - his son was in the hospital and he was too busy to come!!!!!!!

[judi]

Ooooh it has taken me a week t

o be able to settle down long enough to write this. difficult child's girlfriend calls me frantically last week that the baby is having trouble breathing. She gets someone to watch her older daughter and takes baby to hospital where baby is rapidly admitted and placed in oxygen tent. Baby has RSV and is sick! Okay, so she tries to call difficult child - no answer. Not unusual, as he doesn't answer his cell phone too often anymore when he sees its the girlfriend and/or family. So...he doesn't find out till later that night. I offer to go get him and take him to hospital and he tells me he's busy!!!!!! I am so angry that I hang up on him! Okay...long story short, baby is hospitalized for five days and difficult child sees him twice!


I am so angry with this kid I could literally spit...he spouts this garbage about how he doesn't want the responsibility of a child and that family gets in the way. I am fed up with him....he wasn't raised this way. He is the most selfish, self-centered person on the face of this earth.

Baby doesn't have our last name since difficult child wasn't even there at his birth. He just wasn't ready! Well, too bad!

At any rate, we see baby and older child (not difficult child's child) and we take care of the kids with clothes, diapers, food, etc.. I truly admire the girlfriend - she is only 23 herself but does for the kids very well.

How do you do this??? I don't contact difficult child at all anymore, so we don't talk. He doesn't work and isn't interested in supporting this child. I told girlfriend to go to court and get a court-order for child support but that is a moot point since difficult child doens't want to work.

OOOOH can you tell I am so very angry....and I know there is nothing I can do...this is not right that this child won't know his father because his father is such a jerk.

 

[Suz]

I can feel your rage and frustration, Judi....and I can't think of a darn thing to say that could possibly help you feel better. I'm sorry. :frown:

Hugs,
Suz

PS--what is RSV? :confused:

 

[KFld]

I think the only thing you can do at this point is enjoy your grandchild and don't bother contacting difficult child at all. Maybe someday he will be ready, and maybe not, but there is nothing you can do to make him ready. Do what you need to do for yourself. I'm glad to hear girlfriend is a good mommy :smile: Atleast you have that to hold onto.

 

[hearthope]

You are lucky that girlfriend is taking care of the kids. I know she appreciates what you are doing to help her.
My children's biodad has yet to take responsibilty for his kids (son18 &dau17)I went through court proceedings to enforce support many times. He never showed up and would just quit whatever job he was working and disappear for a yr or so.
Sometimes they never get it!! But sometimes something hits them over the head and they wake up! You never know.
I know you are sick of it, just enjoy your grandchild as much as you can, a strong family surrounding them helps them when no dad is there.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Judi,

Boy I can sure understand where you are coming from...I am pretty sure I would feel many of your same feelings if in your situation.

I do think it good that difficult child has expressed that he does not want the responsibility or baby in his way right now. That is at least some honesty on his part though understandibly disturbing for you. In some ways, maybe this is a good thing, as it sounds like difficult child would be hostile or at the very least resentful if forced to do more than he is presently capable.

Maybe try and hold on to the fact that you do have a really big heart and have so much to offer this child. Your relationship to your grandbaby is your gift. That says alot about you, in my opinion...and it is not dependent on what difficult child has to offer his baby at this time.

I wish we could make up for other peoples lacktherein but difficult child may have to discover, on his own, all that he is missing out on and face his child with that admission at some point down the road.

Baby can be okay regardless of what dad offers...and people do/can change.

Difficult situation for sure.
Glad you can talk about it.
lovemysons

ps...I'm so glad to hear the baby's mom IS so capable and doing so many good things for herself and her children. Hope grandbaby is doing better now too.

 

[Sunlight]

so your son wants to play dead. as frustrating as that is, all you can do is continue to be a good gramma. that is your role now.

 

[DammitJanet]

As pitiful as this is, I agree with Janet. My first husband was like this. He still doesnt do anything for his son. His loss.

The only thing you can do is be the grandma. Hopefully one day your son will wake up before its too late for a relationship with his child.

 

[judi]

Thanks everyone! Even seeing this in print is painful. However, you all are right -he isn't ready now and may never be! His son is absolutely precious.

 

[Fran]

All the love and effort that you put into difficult child is now allowed to be bestowed on this innocent baby who will blossom with the love of his mother and the love of his grandparents.
When and if your son steps up, he will have to deal with the lack of affection his son, his ex girlfriend and his parents show towards him.
His lack of interest in being a parent did not prevent him from unprotected sex. It seems they don't always make the connection. He wasn't raised like that but the life lessons didn't get through his brain wrinkle.
I'm sorry for you. I'm sure you are outraged at his lack of character.

 

[judi]

Thanks Fran - yes outraged is the word. difficult child's dad (husband) spent hours with him and his brother (both together as brothers and individual time) playing with, talking to, helping with homework, scout leader, Sunday School teacher, you name it, we were there for the boys. I just dont' know what he is thinking!

 

[WhymeMom?]

judi, I wish there was something I could say to console you (or something I could say that would change your difficult child's thinking). I can hear the pain in your posts, but you must remember that YOU are the only one you can control. Pour your feelings into people who will appreciate your kindness, your grandchild and his mother come to mind. This will tear you up if you let it, so don't let it control you...in a way it is giving control to difficult child. I know its not easy, but give up the idea that he will respond to his son in a "fatherly" manner. Somewhere along the line there was a disconnect and he hasn't taken in the parenting lessons that you have provided. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif
It is not your fault! Take care of yourself and your grandson....

 

[judi]

Thanks WhyMeMom! We are going to see grandson and mom tonight (they live 20 miles from us). The only thing still connecting me to my son is the fact that he still has some tools here at the house. I do pay for the cell phone too although its one of the lines on my family plan and its not any extra money. I know, I'm rambling. I'm finally coming to realize that truly my son wants no contact with us. That is a very hard lesson and one which I'm going to have to work through. I still love him despite everything. However, if he wants no further contact, then that's the way it'll be.

 

[Sunlight]

judi....he wants no contact with you FOR NOW. that is not forever. he is learning something here. go on without him and when he runs of out steam from his empty life...he will call to mind his wonderful early childhood with you and it will call him back to the fold.

it happened with ant. go now and relax while God works on your son.

 

[Fran]

judi,
If difficult child won the Nobel Peace Prize you would feel it was because of his hard work. Not that you made him into what he was on that stage. You provided the tools, the framework and the emotional stability but you can't make someone be a success. Ambition, success and character are internally, self driven.
Why do you wear the pain of his character flaw as something you may have done? He chose to be negative,just as he can chose to be positive.
I'm not implying that he has all the same tools as a easy child but he does have choices. His vision of the world through his eyes is blurred compared how it would look through someone else's.

I decided a while back that if difficult child has success I would not take credit for it. I provide the tools and the support as every parent does, but it is his hard work and his choice to be a success. Just as I decided that if he fails it is not my fault. He had the same framework, support and opportunity to make better decisions.

I know you are disappointed in him. I would feel the same way and I would probably feel shame that he doesn't reflect the standard in your home. I have to believe that someday, somewhere he will grow up. He has been one of the most difficult difficult children I've heard about on this site in that he has never wavered, asked for guidance,blammed himself for his own stupidity or even tried to fix any of the damage he has incurred.
The mourning we go through when we realize our child doesn't seem to be outgrowing their behavior is like the death of hope but keep remembering the seeds are planted. He did not come from a dysfunctional home. This sort of stability has got to leave a mark just as growing up in dysfunctional home makes a mark on everyone in the household.

Keep hoping he will use his tools to turn his life around. It's not too late.

 

[judi]

Janet and Fran - thanks for putting it in perspective for me. I just have to realize that I can't answer the "why" of things with him. It just "is." It is hard to come up with any answers of why he doesn't want any part in his son's life. He just acts like its a big affront to him personally. Again...no admission of any responsibility on his part. Thanks again guys.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Coming in late here Judi. I'm so sorry that your grandson was hospitalized. I'm even sadder that you are saddened that difficult child isn't living up to his potential.

No words of wisdom here. Could the phrase "it is what it is" be something you could tolerate for now?

 

[judi]

Sunny - you are so right - it is what it is. I am embarassed and angry but that too is my problem, not his. I just wish that he would grow up and SOON!