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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 743054" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>TL. How did the program find out about the high risk behavior? If he told them, that is a very good thing. He knows that they know. And he is talking about it with them. The fact that he was open and DID NOT lie in the meeting with you and his dad is such a huge deal.</p><p></p><p>My son told the supermarket staff his mother was in Conneticut (I have never been in Conneticutt. Nor do I know how to spell it.) I live a 3 minute drive from the supermarket. One checker told the other one:<em> J's mother came in. Oh. She came to visit from Conn. No. She lives down the street.</em></p><p></p><p>You have certain aims with your son: one is to stay connected to him; a second is to support him so that he can make choices to rein in his self-destructive behavior and to double down in the positives. <em>Nothing in those aims speaks to handling elephants.</em> So you did not. Yay for you.</p><p></p><p>You have long-ago accepted and decided you cannot do it for him. You decided that pressure, admonishment, control, reinforcement, does not work, and may interfere with what are your primary aims. You have decided that your words of instruction, to convince and to warn, do not work. So the elephant had no platform, no space on the agenda, as you have defined it. Instead you focused on your real life son. Bravo.</p><p></p><p>And with your extraordinary self-control and focus you maintained the connection and commitment to what you could do, provide reassurance and support and love and commitment to him and to the relationship. You go girl. TL.</p><p></p><p>I can only imagine how hard that is and how frustrating it is to not say what you know to be real. It would have pretty much killed me off. I do not know that I am capable of that kind of restraint and self-control.</p><p></p><p>What you are deciding is to empower your son to do better, choose better and do more. You don't need me to tell you that. But I will anyway.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 743054, member: 18958"] TL. How did the program find out about the high risk behavior? If he told them, that is a very good thing. He knows that they know. And he is talking about it with them. The fact that he was open and DID NOT lie in the meeting with you and his dad is such a huge deal. My son told the supermarket staff his mother was in Conneticut (I have never been in Conneticutt. Nor do I know how to spell it.) I live a 3 minute drive from the supermarket. One checker told the other one:[I] J's mother came in. Oh. She came to visit from Conn. No. She lives down the street.[/I] You have certain aims with your son: one is to stay connected to him; a second is to support him so that he can make choices to rein in his self-destructive behavior and to double down in the positives. [I]Nothing in those aims speaks to handling elephants.[/I] So you did not. Yay for you. You have long-ago accepted and decided you cannot do it for him. You decided that pressure, admonishment, control, reinforcement, does not work, and may interfere with what are your primary aims. You have decided that your words of instruction, to convince and to warn, do not work. So the elephant had no platform, no space on the agenda, as you have defined it. Instead you focused on your real life son. Bravo. And with your extraordinary self-control and focus you maintained the connection and commitment to what you could do, provide reassurance and support and love and commitment to him and to the relationship. You go girl. TL. I can only imagine how hard that is and how frustrating it is to not say what you know to be real. It would have pretty much killed me off. I do not know that I am capable of that kind of restraint and self-control. What you are deciding is to empower your son to do better, choose better and do more. You don't need me to tell you that. But I will anyway. [/QUOTE]
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