I can't cope anymore with teen daughter

[Charlie]

Hi , these difficulties seems to have started from Christmas. There have been a few issues over the years but nothing that couldn't be handled . She is 13 and I have found since I bought her her phone st Christmas she has become more and more addicted to it and also more and more angry towards me .background info . Her dad and I have always had issues . He was a drinker when we met. Always the life and soul of the party but was just through a divorce . I had just had a close bearevenent . Wrong time I guess but we got together . I always suspected he didn't really love me but was using me as a means to an ends really . He encouraged me to buy a house and he contributed half of this every month . He was good at doing things such as outdoor things . Not do good with the relationship side of things though and as I was a living tactile person I wasn't getting that from him . I was lonely and ended up anxious and depressed being stuck in the house all the time . Ended up with agoraphobia also. I still loved him though but put a stop to the drinking when I was pregnant.qas very sick throughout pregnancy but no support from him . He just couldn't seem to show love or support about anything . So when I had my much wanted child I was pretty much on my own with that also . Putting all my resources into bringing child up . Such a joyous time in my life and the last k if affection or support or any type of parenting skills weren't really another as I was doing just fine . As I did everything myself I wanted to gone the best childhood I could .she loves to perform so I made sure she got plenty of experience and joy in doing what she loved . Sort of forgot about my own needs and brushed the relationship problems under the carpet . We all coasted along . I managed any health problems myself but I never showed them . Got myself out and about again as I had to ... fast forward 13 years and the ... hits the fan .cant take any more being in a relationship with someone who can't show affection . Can't sleep beside me in case I move in the bed . And really lives like a ghost in my home . I thought I'm lonely anyway so I'd be better off without him . He eventually left after 6 months of digging his heels in. No arguing no shouting just the usual being ignored but only speaking to out child if he needed anything . Those 6 months were v tough on me mentally and physically . I have autoimmune disease which I suspect I always had and this was the reason behind the anxiety and deprssion amongst other things . Anyway that is being dealt with now and I know I can feel better with the right help . Problem is my child . Since the ex partner kept digging his heels in and not wanting to let go .ge went to stay with his parents . Still walking in and out of our home . So stressful and I begged him not to as it was affecting our child . As I was getting upset even though I hid it . Just realised about how much hiding was going on ! Light bulb moment there ! Anyway in last 6 months my teen has become angry and volatile and abusive towards me ! I am in process of finding a counsellor as she will not listen any more . I feel like the crappiest mother ever for ruining her life by not staying with her dad and just putting up with the life we had . I feel I am suffering g more now than when he was here . She has wrecked my things . Kicked me slapped me . Used abusive language . Slamming doors . I feel so responsible and my health is suffering . I know I need counselling too . She has a great bunch of friends except one who seems jealous of her. She seems so much worse around her period but also when tired or hungry and off coursewhen I try to help by encouraging rest and relaxation . I took her to the doctor as I was a bit concerned re sensory issues . How clothes feel and socks and things have always been an issue also won't eat sauces or anything remotely gloopy . I don't know if this is connected . I do see autoimmune problems starting and she's just been diagnosed with hypermobility. I have no support but I cannot take the screaming and crying and abusing me . At least when her dad was here she did not do this as I feel she was more afraid of him being angry do I guess she's not afraid of me . Please help and don't attack me . I'm finding things so difficult .

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Hi there and welcome. Sorry you need to be here, but it sounds like you're in the right place.

Please know that your divorce in no way caused your daughter's problems. Your daughter's issues are her own. They may be caused by her genetics, her personality, or perhaps your ex is poisoning her mind against you. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things. But plenty of parents divorce, and their children are happy, healthy, polite, and respectful.

My stepsons did not deal well with their parents' split but that was due to the fact that the divorce was high conflict and ten years later continues to be high conflict.

I would not put up with her violence. I would consider sending her to her father's if she is going to continue to be violent. Either that or call the police. What she is doing is assault and against the law. Even though she's only 13, she still needs to be held accountable. She will only get older, bigger and stronger. You do not want her to continue behaving this way.

I suggest that you consider finding a therapist for your daughter, and perhaps also for yourself. You deserve to be happy!

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Forgot to add - take the phone.

 

[Triedntrue]

I agree you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of her. Counceling is definately a priority. I also agree with take the phone . there have to be consequences for the abuse. talk to the councelor about what works for you and your daughter. Find a councelor that fits. If you are not happy with one find a different one that specializes in your issues. Good luck