I deserve my Sanctuary

[joysheph]

My husband and I were watching a movie there was the doorbell ringing over and over. We both just sat there not wanting to deal with whomever it was on the other side of the door. Yet we knew exactly who it was, my son. I thought to myself I don't want to do this today so I ignored the rings. Then there's a bang on the door. F@#$%!! My Sanctuary disrupted yet again by my 28 year old kid who is proving a point he says, of its all about I. He hands my husband and list of his needs. He says we always help other family members but him so here's the list of what I need... Has he forgotten he has never established residency due to living with mommy. He has mooch off me damn near his 30s. I've done nothing but help him until now! I'm freaking sick of this
I deserve my Sanctuary my peace my life! Am I selfish to want to live life without the guilt?
He claims he has shelter but with no utilities. He's hungry, he's dirty, he needs cigarettes, he needs a coat. I have bought so many coats for him.
I ask if he's taking his medications he says yeah mom. I ask what's his plans for income? He yells I know mom. I tell him why won't he go to the shelter and get into the drug treatment? He says I don't do drugs anymore. I don't need it. He says all I need is $13 to get me till foodstamps come in. Then he yells at me and calls me names. Where is the humbleness? Who is the kid? Is he really mental or is he on drugs or both? Do I need to fear for safety? Do I call to have him admitted? F@#$ I don't know anymore I'm just exhausted!

 

[pigless in VA]

Did he leave? It sounds like he was only there to bully you into giving him $13. I would most likely have called the police to get him to leave.

 

[wisernow]

i agree with Pigless. Rather than give him the money perhaps give him some food to carry over until the food stamps come in. He was bullying you and you deserve to have peace in your own home. Hugs.

 

[joysheph]

My husband gave him $20 and a pork chop and bread and closed the door. It hurts me so bad that it makes me so mad! We can't understand why he continues to be homeless in Moore, Ok without resources? I asked him if he wants a ride downtown to get help he says no. I feel like running away.

 

[joysheph]

We have called the police for trespassing when he was hiding in the garage. He went to jail. It's like he don't give a crap anymore.

 

[wisernow]

I know. I have been there and done that. Please try to go out today and do something kind for yourselves. This drama can be all consuming and can touch every aspect of your life. Perhaps a holiday away would be good for the two of you to regroup. hugs.

 

[BusynMember]

He is likely on drugs. Baloney that he quit. He doesnt go to a shelter because obviously in shelters, which I once volunteered for, dont allow drug use or heing intoxicated. Jthats why many of our kids prefer homelessness and few adults can keep jobs on drugs. Many sell drugs for money to get more drigs. It is part of using.

If you want the peaceful house you deserve you may need to get a restraining order and follow through. If he is drugging, yes, he could accidentally hurt ypu or hurt you when he is not in his right mind.

If you want to help him a little, buy a small bag of groceries with a big peanut butter jar, bread, a few other items that dont need refrigeration and tell him to meet you and husband in a crowded place, like the grocery store where you will buy these items. NEVER give him money or meet him alone. He will use money for drugs, not food. Not even $20.

It is your decision but your house is your sanctuary and if you wish to keep it as such you have to set boundaries or he will keep coming over.

Hugs, light and love. I know its hard.

 

[pigless in VA]

Sadly, because you gave him something, he will be back. I think for people who are not reasoning well, either through mental illness or drug use, you have to take a hard line. If you want him to give you peace and leave you alone, then you have to tell him "no" every time. Otherwise, he will continue to view you as a place to get help.

Based on my experiences, I no longer want that in my world. For me, it's too upsetting, disturbing, and scary. It isn't worth the stress it causes for me.

 

[goin_crazy]

First of all, I get it. I have a 19 year old who's put me through the same thing for the last 5 years. Now he's in prison where he finally sobered up enough for both him and me to see he can be a responsible adult and he's not even on his medications. I had to let go because there was nothing I could do except point out he was on drugs so the DA agreed to State substance abuse program in prison where he was going anyway. He's not even in the program yet but doing better. Before that I was a doormat for him. He's apologized for everything. I just pray it holds out. Maybe your son will get help too. In the meantime, keep a taser handy. That always made mine back up because he did think I'd pop him with it.

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[joysheph]

I think I will buy some non refrigerator food and have it ready for when he comes banging on my door and have him meet me in front of a store. I knew giving money was not the thing to do but I just didn't want to deal. It saddens me to not want to see or be around or even know anything about him. I just can't deal. I don't want to see the bad he is causing himself.

Is it never thought about getting pepper spray or a teaser and ever have to use it on anyone nonetheless my son. I will say though every morning at 6am when it's all dark and I'm leaving for work I fear walking out to my car. I hurry to my car and lock the doors and pull out fast and then I feel a sense in peace as I'm driving out of my neighborhood. It's ridiculous. I don't even shop near my house cause I'm afraid I'll see him out begging for money. On a good note the town I live in they don't tolerate that and he's been escorted out of city limits before.
I love him so much but I'm done with his drama.

 

[Acacia]

Oh, boy. I so get this and emphasize. It's your son's journey, but it is also your journey, too, to learn how to care for yourself, to set boundaries, and to let go, let God. I say this because I am on the same journey with my adult daughter who has a five year old and a 3 month old and will be homeless at the end of the week because she picked another abuser to have a child with, and it all fell apart. I have been guilted and treated badly for 15 years, and yet I am not yet strong enough to let go. Everyone tells me to let her fall. I am trying. I do set boundaries, I weaken, I set boundaries, I weaken. It hurts no matter what I do. I can't get there until I get there, and neither can they. I also understand how you fear walking out to your car and to be done with the drama. Me, too. We will get there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[MissJuneBug]

Am I selfish to want to live life without the guilt?

Nope... not even one little bit. While you can control a child, you can't control an adult regardless of the reason they are out of control. You've spent years trying to get him help, sheltering and feeding him. There are resources out there, it's his choice to use them or not.

But I'm also a big fan of doing whatever gives you the most peace. I like the idea of giving him a small quantity of non-perishable food, if that makes you feel better. I have a friend who has had no contact with her son in 10 years because that's what gives her peace. There are no 'rules' in this situation and you should not feel guilty about doing whatever you need to do to live your life. Hugs.

 

[Tanya M]

I deserve my Sanctuary my peace my life! Am I selfish to want to live life without the guilt?

Yes, you do deserve your sanctuary. You have nothing to feel guilty about and no, you are not selfish.

I think I will buy some non refrigerator food and have it ready for when he comes banging on my door and have him meet me in front of a store.

You are walking a thin line here. The more you give him the more he will expect. Even if you only give him a sandwich, he will continue to know that he can harass you or guilt you into giving him something. I know how hard it is to say NO but by saying it to him and meaning it, he will come to understand that you mean what you say.

Hang in there, you will get through this.

((HUGS))