I feel no love for him - how can that be...

[nikinubs27]

My 18 year old son - I seriously have gotten to the point where it does not even bother me that I kicked him out a year ago and I barely hear from him. When I DO hear from him, I sometimes ignore his calls/texts. I honestly feel right now that he has hurt and tormented me soooo much that I don't have an ounce of love left for him. Every one says a moms love is unconditional, but like, I don't know if I never heard from him ever again, I honestly don't think it would bother me one bit... NOT ONE BIT! My 4 smaller kids don't even ask about their brother, yet they are old enough to know of his absence. They are no longer afraid to be in their own house... I think they are happy he is gone too... UGGGGHHHH I feel so bad for typing those words, but after 17 years of constant battle with this kid, I am officially done with him...

 

[susiestar]

(((((HUGS)))))

I completely understand how you can get to that feeling!!! Don't beat yourself up for your feelings. Feelings are not good or bad. They just are. Don't judge them, all you will do is hurt yourself and you have 4 younger kids who need you to be as good as you can be.

If a stranger did even half of what our difficult kids do to us, we would not ever even look at them again unless it was in a courtroom as we pointed them out to a jury. So why are we supposed to have warm, fuzzy loving feelings toward people who hurt, hate and harm us just because they are our children? Clearly they do not have those loving feelings toward us, do they?

It is perfectly acceptable to let him go out into the world and do his own thing alone. You have done your years of battle with/for/against him, as needed. Lay down your weapons, let the feasting begin! Focus your energy and talents on your younger kids, the ones who will appreciate you and reciprocate your love.

(((((HUGS)))))

It is absolutely perfectly fine to feel whatever you feel. Never ever judge your feelings or try to deny them. Feelings just are, and should be accepted.

 

[nikinubs27]

Thank you so much for that response, Susiestar. I really think I feel more guilt about my feelings toward him than I do about half the crap he tries to guilt me with. I am just so tired of trying to figure out if I should believe anything he says, or if he's lying. His bio-dad used to do the same stuff to me. I eventually gave him the boot too. I just don't know why ever since he could talk, he hated me. I always struggled to love him so much. I tried to look past all of his issues and faults. I have tried to dig deep inside of me and find the love for him that I have for my other kids. For a long time I blamed it on the resentment I had towards his bio-dad, but now I just know it's from 18 years of him torturing me, daily making my life harder and harder then telling me that I am crazy and need help. That I am abusive... he told me last night in a drunken texting rage that I need to take f****** responsbility for my own actions before I f*** up his siblings too... i lost it. I told him they are good kids who don't torment me, who listen to me and want me to be proud of them, they care and are compassionate and not constantly trying to hurt someone else, or destroying other peoples property.... Ugggh the list goes on and on, but i am without and positive feelings I could have towards him, and I honestly question if I would even care if the police came to my door and told me he was found dead. Idt i would sometimes, and that makes me sad. I feel bad that I don't love him, but he has beaten me down and back me into a corner for way too long, and he always blames me for everything in his life. I just can't anymore!

 

[susiestar]

I'll say you can't anymore!!! I would have been done a loooooong time ago!!!

Why are you attempting to figure out when he is lying? Our difficult children are lying when their lips are moving. The burden to prove he is telling the truth should be on him, not you. As for who is to blame, he is an adult now. It is time for him to pull up his big boy britches and take the consequences of being a big boy.

Have you thought about making him move out? Not paying for anything for him? I mean not giving him a dime in support? He is 18 and legally an adult. He should be supporting himself. Tell him you don't want to f*** up his siblings so you need the money to support them. He can move out and support himself.

Given how he acts toward you, his siblings are likely afraid of him. It will probably take a few weeks for them to accept that it is real, but then you will see a change in their behavior. They will start to tell you things he did. If it is like what we went through, it will be upsetting.

I am sorry that he drunk texts you. He is not old enough to drink. What consequences does he get when he drinks? I am curious. I know my own mother would have called the cops and told them where I was if I had drunk texted her anything, much less anything nasty. She would NEVER have bailed me out or paid any fines for me either. In fact, if my fines were $100 to the state, my mother would then have charged me $100 to her for breaking the law. She would not have paid a penny of it. I could work around the house/yard for minimum wage, but it would be hard work with no paid breaks. If I didn't have the money to pay the fines on time, she would have either made me go to the judge without paying them or pawned my stuff to pay for them. Anything pawned would be mine, not anyone else's, and no one would help me earn the money to get it back.

It sounds like he is just always out to make you miserable and to blame you for everything even though he brings everyone down. Why one earth would you have warm fuzzy happy feelings about him if that is how he behaves?

 

[nikinubs27]

He was kicked out on his butt over a year ago after he attacked me three days after coming back home from in patient care! I don't guve him anything at all!! He lives with his satan worshiping girlfriend who's parents are too blind to see that they are toxic for each other and they pay for everything for her. Life just gets easier and easier for him. Now he has the girlfriend to take care of him, he is not working because he can't hold down a job, and all the benefits of "mom" in her- she takes care of him in every way - without the authority figure in his life. He's got it made right now. When he did live with us, the "harsh" punishments we gave him of paying his own fines were in his eyes "abuse". His siblings are scared to death of him, and they haven't even asked to see him since we kicked him out. He attempted to have cps come and take them after we kicked him out, too. Told them we are abusive drug addicts. They came, I volunteered for a drug test, they investigated, and decided that he is no longer allowed bear the family until he gets treatment, and even then it needs to be supervised because he is a danger to us. So, i don't do anything at all for him. The ONLY thing i provide is health insurance for him-im on a family plan and it doesn't cost anymore to keep him on it, and I only keep him on it in hopes that he would just decide to get help.
And yes, you are right about how he makes me feels. He belittles me, and puts me down and blames me for everything! The day he left was the first time I did not have to come home from work in the morning (i work 3rds at the hospital) and worry about walking in to finding my family murdered. It's a good feeling to jot be afraid at home, but I still look over my shoulder when I am outside of the house. I don't know why he complains that I don't love him, he obviously hates me so why would he care? I am finally coming to peace with my feelings and i know that i did everything i could to try and make things better and right, he is the one with the problems and i am washing my hands of it.

 

[nikinubs27]

And the lying. I should have clarified. I meant to say he will call me and tell Me he wants to kill himself, and for the most part I truly feel in my heart that he wouldn't do it. His bio-dad used to do the same stuff to me, and finally one day I opened the bottle of pills and handed it to him. He of course didn't kill himself, but I got to that point where i didn't care anymore. That's how I am starting to feel about my kid too now. Sometimes I just want to say "then do it" because I just don't think he actually wants to do it, he just wants to get attention, or avert my attention to that instead of the trouble he is in at the moment. Everytime he gets caught doing something, he goes there and says that. So one of two things would happen. I call his bluff and he then uses that to act even more like a victim saying "my mom told me to kill myself, or she doesn't care if I die" or he really isn't bluffing and will actually do it. Either way, i just don't want to take the chance... the one time I had him IVC'd for trying to kill me and then himself, he honestly had sooo many opportunities to do it, that if he truly wanted to kill himself, he would have. I think he just uses that as a scare tactic. He "acts" suicidal because all the emo kids at school are cool... suicide it the cool thing now a days with our teens, everyone is cool when they are sad and dark and depressed. So who knows if anything he says or expresses are actually how he feels, or just made up crap he says to look cool in front of his vampire wanna be girlfriend, and junkie friends, who all actually had really terrible upbringings with drug addicted parents and living in foster homes. He has had a cushy life, we made sure to support him both emotionally, physically and finanically. He's been spoiled in my opinion, and he needs to stop crying about his made up abusive horrible childhood

 

[pasajes4]

If he threatens suicide, call the cops and have them go check on him. He might be forced to get some help.

 

[nikinubs27]

We've tried that. He tells the cops he's fine and they don't take any of it seriously. It doesn't even matter anymore, he isn't in my home, he is away from us, and I should stop being concerned with him and what he is doing, i guess

 

[Littleboylost]

Thank you so much for that response, Susiestar. I really think I feel more guilt about my feelings toward him than I do about half the crap he tries to guilt me with. I am just so tired of trying to figure out if I should believe anything he says, or if he's lying. His bio-dad used to do the same stuff to me. I eventually gave him the boot too. I just don't know why ever since he could talk, he hated me. I always struggled to love him so much. I tried to look past all of his issues and faults. I have tried to dig deep inside of me and find the love for him that I have for my other kids. For a long time I blamed it on the resentment I had towards his bio-dad, but now I just know it's from 18 years of him torturing me, daily making my life harder and harder then telling me that I am crazy and need help. That I am abusive... he told me last night in a drunken texting rage that I need to take f****** responsbility for my own actions before I f*** up his siblings too... i lost it. I told him they are good kids who don't torment me, who listen to me and want me to be proud of them, they care and are compassionate and not constantly trying to hurt someone else, or destroying other peoples property.... Ugggh the list goes on and on, but i am without and positive feelings I could have towards him, and I honestly question if I would even care if the police came to my door and told me he was found dead. Idt i would sometimes, and that makes me sad. I feel bad that I don't love him, but he has beaten me down and back me into a corner for way too long, and he always blames me for everything in his life. I just can't anymore!

I hope that you are looking after yourself well. Are you seeking any emotional support for yourself? You are a victim here and your feelings are very justified. I agree with all the advice you have been given thus far. Be kind to yourself.
Sometimes we wish for death for a final stop to all the madness. Warm hugs to you.

 

[Littleboylost]

We've tried that. He tells the cops he's fine and they don't take any of it seriously. It doesn't even matter anymore, he isn't in my home, he is away from us, and I should stop being concerned with him and what he is doing, i guess

It is manipulation my son does this all the time as well, threatens suicide we call 911 they assess him and he is fine, so they leave him.

 

[susiestar]

Have you considered changing your number so he cannot text you any longer? I am not sure I would want to be in contact with him. Or else, being me, I would start texting back bible verses that would upset him on purpose. Or quotes that were all loving and sweetness and light. I would do it on purpose to make him angry. I am perverse like that. My dad raised me to "Love thine enemy. Drives them NUTS!" No, I am not at all joking. Yes, I did use this on my own difficult child. I can remember when he was telling all the kids at school about how he screamed during his baptism because the water burned his forehead. I overheard him telling a kid this, in gory detail, and came up behind him. I put my arm around him and in a sugary sweet tone told the kid that really, Wiz was the sweetest baby and he coo'd and giggled so much the priest put water on him a second time because he liked it so much. Because THAT is what truly happened.

I ruined all of my son's cool points that day. The cooing and giggling story made it around that school like wildfire! LOL!

If your son is going to purposely try to drive you to fight back, why not have some fun with it? Don't react mad, react smart. What drives him the most crazy? Bible verses? Barney? Blues Clues? Use it. I can remember there were times when my son would do something mean to my daughter that I made him watch a Barney video as punishment. By that time he was old enough to HATE Barney. She loved Barney. WIn for me. If texting is the problem, write down a list of things you could text him that would be responses that would drive him up a wall. Then whenever he texts something mean or angry, respond with one of those. It can be an inspirational quote, a bible verse, a saying from AA, whatever comes to mind. As soon as it isn't fun and he isn't regularly getting his payoff, meaning he isn't getting you mad on a regular basis, he won't text you. Find some fun in making him angry? Oh he will leave you alone even faster. Given his Satanism, start sending him some Christian quotes, tell him you are praying for his soul and that God loves him, and you will drive him NUTS.

NEVER EVER EVER respond again to him when you are angry. If you are angry, just put the phone down. You can just ignore him, or you can send something so sugary sweet that even you cannot stand it. But nothing should SOUND angry. I know it will be hard, but I have faith that you can do it. Prepare responses when you are calm.

It is time to stop the torture and end the nonsense. Make it not fun for him and he will find someone who will give him his payoff. He wants the conflama (conflict plus drama = conflama, our kids are addicted to the adrenaline rush of it) that he gets from getting you angry. Stop letting him get that payoff.

A generic, all purpose response that you can use is "Aren't you sweet?" It is a southern thing. Around here women use it all the time. It can mean what it says or anything between that and you are the exact opposite of sweet. Feel free to channel your inner southern belle and use it. I think tone of voice is what conveys the meaning, and over a text it can have any tone of voice.

 

[nikinubs27]

Have you considered changing your number so he cannot text you any longer? I am not sure I would want to be in contact with him. Or else, being me, I would start texting back bible verses that would upset him on purpose. Or quotes that were all loving and sweetness and light. I would do it on purpose to make him angry. I am perverse like that. My dad raised me to "Love thine enemy. Drives them NUTS!" No, I am not at all joking. Yes, I did use this on my own difficult child. I can remember when he was telling all the kids at school about how he screamed during his baptism because the water burned his forehead. I overheard him telling a kid this, in gory detail, and came up behind him. I put my arm around him and in a sugary sweet tone told the kid that really, Wiz was the sweetest baby and he coo'd and giggled so much the priest put water on him a second time because he liked it so much. Because THAT is what truly happened.

I ruined all of my son's cool points that day. The cooing and giggling story made it around that school like wildfire! LOL!

If your son is going to purposely try to drive you to fight back, why not have some fun with it? Don't react mad, react smart. What drives him the most crazy? Bible verses? Barney? Blues Clues? Use it. I can remember there were times when my son would do something mean to my daughter that I made him watch a Barney video as punishment. By that time he was old enough to HATE Barney. She loved Barney. WIn for me. If texting is the problem, write down a list of things you could text him that would be responses that would drive him up a wall. Then whenever he texts something mean or angry, respond with one of those. It can be an inspirational quote, a bible verse, a saying from AA, whatever comes to mind. As soon as it isn't fun and he isn't regularly getting his payoff, meaning he isn't getting you mad on a regular basis, he won't text you. Find some fun in making him angry? Oh he will leave you alone even faster. Given his Satanism, start sending him some Christian quotes, tell him you are praying for his soul and that God loves him, and you will drive him NUTS.

NEVER EVER EVER respond again to him when you are angry. If you are angry, just put the phone down. You can just ignore him, or you can send something so sugary sweet that even you cannot stand it. But nothing should SOUND angry. I know it will be hard, but I have faith that you can do it. Prepare responses when you are calm.

It is time to stop the torture and end the nonsense. Make it not fun for him and he will find someone who will give him his payoff. He wants the conflama (conflict plus drama = conflama, our kids are addicted to the adrenaline rush of it) that he gets from getting you angry. Stop letting him get that payoff.

A generic, all purpose response that you can use is "Aren't you sweet?" It is a southern thing. Around here women use it all the time. It can mean what it says or anything between that and you are the exact opposite of sweet. Feel free to channel your inner southern belle and use it. I think tone of voice is what conveys the meaning, and over a text it can have any tone of voice.

The southern quites! I loves them! We are originally from PA, but relocated to NC! I hate when someone says "bless your heart" because I am always trying to figure out it they are being mean or nice hahahahahaha

Great advice though! My husbands been telling me the same for years. That's why he doesn't fight with hubby- hubby doesn't react!! I do and he has learned exactly what to say to push my buttons. I gotta fix that! Thank you

 

[pigless in VA]

Welcome, nikki.

I made him watch a Barney video as punishment

This is hilarious! Nikki, you can look up all kinds of sappy quotes to text your son. Barney, Mr. Rogers, whatever. Go have some fun.

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome!
Your feelings towards your son are very normal. I too have been there with my son, the lack of feeling anything for him. I think some of this is due to trauma, it's like being in shock where you do not feel the pain. I love my son but do not like him at all. There is nothing to like about someone who like your son has tormented you. My son has screamed so many hateful ugly things to me so I truly understand how you feel.

You have mentioned how much your son is like is bio-father. There is so much to that. My son is exactly like his bio-father and yet he was out of the picture when my son was very young. The whole nature -vs- nurture thing. I truly believe in my sons case nature trumped nurture.

Don't be so hard on yourself about the feelings or lack there of that you have. It takes time to process all that you have been through. Now is the time for you to heal, to take your life back. What are you doing to take care of YOU? It's okay to take time for yourself, it's a healthy thing to do.

I have no doubt that your son will continue to try and bring you down. My son has done the same thing to me many times over the years.

"Love thine enemy. Drives them NUTS!"

There is so much truth in this! Do your very best to not let your son see that his behavior bothers you. That's what he wants. He wants to know that he can get under your skin. As parent of difficult adult children we have to develop very thick skin. Love the suggestion of having positive quotes at the ready to fire off. Good stuff!

Hang in there Niki. I'm glad you are here with us.

((HUGS))

 

[susiestar]

Southern women are just wonderful! The rest of the world hears polite when what they are really saying is so rude and it all is in the tone of voice. I just love it too! Until we moved to the South, I thought only my mother could do nasty nice. She gets so polite and nice and never raises her voice and boy are you in too deep for hip waders then.

Take some time and write out a list of things to reply to your son. Keep copies of that list where you most often sit and by your bed and in your car. Wherever you most often are. Then when he texts or calls, pull out the list, pick a reply, and send it. It saves having to think about what to say and it really does help. Lots of us have found that this is a HUGE help in the moment with our difficult kids.

If you don't have some sweet saying, give him something low energy, like "oh, really?" or "that's interesting" or "hmmm". Even "I need to think about that". something that really means nothing and that he cannot really feed off of. It will also drive him crazy and will help you. In time he won't contact you any longer either because he won't get his conflama fix from you. He will fight with his girlfriend instead. Or with her parents. That will be FAR more fun than boring old Mom and Dad.