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I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful
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<blockquote data-quote="Nandina" data-source="post: 761726" data-attributes="member: 23742"><p>Hi Fifi, </p><p></p><p>I’m sorry your daughter has not followed the path you would have liked for her and in fact, has made quite a mess of things. How old is she? I saw a post of yours from 2017 and she was 18 so what is she now, maybe 22, 23? </p><p></p><p>I will start by saying something that I strongly believe. College is not for everybody. </p><p></p><p>It requires a lot of discipline, organization and time management, in addition to learning to live on one’s own and having complete freedom from mom and dad’s rules, being exposed to alcohol and possibly drugs and on and on. It takes a level of maturity that not all 18-20-ish young people have (yet).</p><p></p><p>I speak from experience with a child and also as a college graduate myself. The experience involves my son, not the difficult one. When the time for college rolled around, I feared that he wasn’t mature enough. He had been a great child to raise, never in any kind of trouble, played football and wrestled during high school, made decent grades when he worked at it. However, I always thought he was probably undiagnosed attention deficit, a little immature, but he managed through high school with a lot of prompting to do homework, hand things in, etc.</p><p></p><p>I wanted him to commute to a local community college and transfer later to a larger one, but he insisted on having the total college experience and living on campus. So we agreed. Against my better judgment.</p><p></p><p>We thought everything was going well from where we stood. But what do you really know when they are living hours away on their own? Long story short, by the second year he started failing classes, got put on academic probation, lost his scholarship, and unbeknownst to us got arrested (and apparently released) for underage drinking—without even telling us—and tried to navigate the court system by himself. I came home one night to my husband telling me to sit down for what he had to say. There was an arrest warrant out for our son! I almost fainted. He had apparently missed a court date or didn’t complete his court ordered community service. This was our very first indication that anything was wrong, other than he was doing poorly in a difficult class. Whew! What a wakeup call.</p><p></p><p>We stepped in as parents do and got him out of that mess, but eventually made him pay us back the charges for the attorney. He had to leave school because his grades were so poor. We told him we weren’t going to waste any more money on college if he wasn’t going to take it seriously. He moved back home depressed and sullen. We insisted that he get a job if he wasn’t attending school. Believe me, it wasn’t a pleasant time and he behaved in ways that I never thought I’d see in this child. I realize now he was depressed and angry at himself.</p><p></p><p>There were a couple years there that I would just like to forget. But by his mid-twenties my son eventually matured, had started an entry level job making pizzas and ended up managing a store in just a couple of years. He decided he didn’t like food service and got into an auto service company as a beginning tech person. In a couple of short years he had worked his way up to being a general manager and now at age 31 is considered one of the top managers in his region. He often gets sent into stores as kind of a trouble shooter, training new employees and helping struggling stores get back on their feet. He makes a good salary and loves management. And he’s good at it.</p><p></p><p>My son—The boy who couldn’t remember to turn in his homework!</p><p></p><p></p><p>That’s ok. She may end up surprising you once she finds her path.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Are they her dreams and goals? Or yours? </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I’ll repeat what others have said here. Please don’t write the end of her story. She is in her twenties I think? She still has time to figure it out. Some young people take longer than others and stumble a little more along the way.</p><p></p><p>Although times have changed in the job market compared to when we were kids, the current job market is very favorable to those who are willing to work. Wages are higher than ever even in entry level jobs.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like you are a loving and concerned parent who has tried to do all the right things to help your child be successful. Now you might have to step back and watch her struggle a little. It’s hard. It hurts. But it’s her struggle, not yours. And she can get through it. </p><p></p><p>Sending hugs. Keep us posted.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nandina, post: 761726, member: 23742"] Hi Fifi, I’m sorry your daughter has not followed the path you would have liked for her and in fact, has made quite a mess of things. How old is she? I saw a post of yours from 2017 and she was 18 so what is she now, maybe 22, 23? I will start by saying something that I strongly believe. College is not for everybody. It requires a lot of discipline, organization and time management, in addition to learning to live on one’s own and having complete freedom from mom and dad’s rules, being exposed to alcohol and possibly drugs and on and on. It takes a level of maturity that not all 18-20-ish young people have (yet). I speak from experience with a child and also as a college graduate myself. The experience involves my son, not the difficult one. When the time for college rolled around, I feared that he wasn’t mature enough. He had been a great child to raise, never in any kind of trouble, played football and wrestled during high school, made decent grades when he worked at it. However, I always thought he was probably undiagnosed attention deficit, a little immature, but he managed through high school with a lot of prompting to do homework, hand things in, etc. I wanted him to commute to a local community college and transfer later to a larger one, but he insisted on having the total college experience and living on campus. So we agreed. Against my better judgment. We thought everything was going well from where we stood. But what do you really know when they are living hours away on their own? Long story short, by the second year he started failing classes, got put on academic probation, lost his scholarship, and unbeknownst to us got arrested (and apparently released) for underage drinking—without even telling us—and tried to navigate the court system by himself. I came home one night to my husband telling me to sit down for what he had to say. There was an arrest warrant out for our son! I almost fainted. He had apparently missed a court date or didn’t complete his court ordered community service. This was our very first indication that anything was wrong, other than he was doing poorly in a difficult class. Whew! What a wakeup call. We stepped in as parents do and got him out of that mess, but eventually made him pay us back the charges for the attorney. He had to leave school because his grades were so poor. We told him we weren’t going to waste any more money on college if he wasn’t going to take it seriously. He moved back home depressed and sullen. We insisted that he get a job if he wasn’t attending school. Believe me, it wasn’t a pleasant time and he behaved in ways that I never thought I’d see in this child. I realize now he was depressed and angry at himself. There were a couple years there that I would just like to forget. But by his mid-twenties my son eventually matured, had started an entry level job making pizzas and ended up managing a store in just a couple of years. He decided he didn’t like food service and got into an auto service company as a beginning tech person. In a couple of short years he had worked his way up to being a general manager and now at age 31 is considered one of the top managers in his region. He often gets sent into stores as kind of a trouble shooter, training new employees and helping struggling stores get back on their feet. He makes a good salary and loves management. And he’s good at it. My son—The boy who couldn’t remember to turn in his homework! That’s ok. She may end up surprising you once she finds her path. Are they her dreams and goals? Or yours? I’ll repeat what others have said here. Please don’t write the end of her story. She is in her twenties I think? She still has time to figure it out. Some young people take longer than others and stumble a little more along the way. Although times have changed in the job market compared to when we were kids, the current job market is very favorable to those who are willing to work. Wages are higher than ever even in entry level jobs. It sounds like you are a loving and concerned parent who has tried to do all the right things to help your child be successful. Now you might have to step back and watch her struggle a little. It’s hard. It hurts. But it’s her struggle, not yours. And she can get through it. Sending hugs. Keep us posted. [/QUOTE]
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I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful
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