I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful

Fifi_1123

New Member
Dear Aching Heart

I read your story and indeed it IS heartbreaking and tragic that a person would live as does your daughter, and so many of our children, including my own son. I believe that a basic requirement of all parents is to not permit our children to abuse us. Not only because of what it does to us, but because of what it does to them--whether or not they see it. As I see it, you had no option but to do as you have. She will have to fix herself, if someday she chooses to. There are all kinds of public resources, for people who want to change. I am so very sorry you've been through such a hard time, but happy that you're turning the corner. I hope you keep posting. I've been here over six years now and it still helps me.
Copabanana,
I saw your name on another post with Cindy Marie. From 2017. Do you know the end story
To that sad saga? With her daughter and the bad boyfriend??
I read it all thru tonight. And then it just ended. You gave great support thru that.
How are you and how did your son turn out? I’m
Sorry if that’s a bad topic.
I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful
And worried. She has no resources.
only
A new boyfriend that she had this week started staying over at his house. (I bet he is shocked-although I did tell
Him if he thought he was gonna start getting the milk And honey from
MY daughter that he should expect
To pay for her livelihood. That’s what adults who
Play adult Do. They payFor their own way so they can have those freedoms to do as they will is my thinking.)
My Daughter and I just had a month long trip to see the country and an island near us. A nice graduation gift. Ended up being miserable. Lots of angry hostile words from
My daughter. Lots of things. Disrespectful to the max.
And nonparticipating In our plans as she was resentful that she was even on this incredible opportunity that we had planned for a very long time well before the boyfriend was ever an idea. But she moped and complained the entire time and made it a very uncomfortable situation with my friends And their family that was hosting us. She has had a new boyfriend for several months. She has become belligerent more than her normal antisocial behavior. She is risk taking and has no impulse control It seems.
I didn’t let her use my car today thay she damaged by scraping thru the metal on 2 entire passenger doors before we went on vacation. I didn’t see it until the night before we were to leave she hid this
From me. She seems to have an awful problem with anyone in authority. She is not living by my expectations as to what I have told her to do in my home. She receives a weekly allowance. She doesn’t have to work but she does have a job. The only thing she is asked to do is to keep her room clean which she does not do and also the kitchen living room and her bathroom because I rarely go in any of these rooms and she trashes them daily. Basically any rules that I have said in the last several years she just continues to ignore and blow by like I’m just sitting there not saying a word. So she obviously doesn’t respect me. I did find out her father had a mental diagnosis before he was a teenager and those records are sealed. He was arrested and had some kind of other incidents. I was not told of any of this until until my daughter was several years old. As she’s gotten older I realize that the same things my ex-husband does and did to me she does as well it’s the same pattern of behavior. I probably left too late in the game but was trying to keep her father as a father figure and to get her older so therefore she could make her choice if she wanted to go to see him as he continuously gaslights whenever you’re around.
So when she was going to pick up her cat she came by the house today and decided she was going to take my car that she damaged which I had told her she could not use and was clear she thought she was just going to do it and I was going to be OK with it. Well she doesn’t drive safe she’s had some warning ticket I am scared to ride with her she is reckless. She thinks it’s OK to go 85 To 90 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I have life 360 and she continues to go well over the posted speed limits and she drives right up on people and she has the severe anger calling people names shooting them birds I mean just basically some really trashy behavior that is not accepted by anyone in my family. She is the last child
I’m my
Home there was only two the first is very successful lives out of the home no issues are concerned happily married had to get counseling from the stuff that happened at the home with the X but seems to adjusted well. This one has been a fight and I mean a stressful fight for years. I boundaries she blows by them. She has this horrible ungrateful attitude to where she thinks she’s entitled to things and it’s probably because I did give her things I didn’t give her things early she didn’t have a phone at eight she didn’t get one until she was 15 and was here alone at home for five or six hours until I got home so I felt that was safer since we don’t have good service here. She has not been given a car she’s only been allowed to drive mine she only got her license when she was almost 17 as I didn’t feel she was emotionally mature enough nor her hand l eye coordination was well enough to handle a vehicle. She’s has been mad at me for several years but since she has been dating this boy in the last couple of months she’s gotten very mouthy and very much more disrespectful. Says To Control her. She seems to have no remorse for anything she does. She never says she’s sorry and she never corrects the behavior. So today when I didn’t let her have the car and she got upset even more when I told her that if she was going to live like an adult and do adult things with her boyfriend I was not expecting her to continue to stay here if she’s leaving for days at a time and she’s gonna have to take her cat with her because she also doesn’t clean up as well as she should after the cat and her room smells like a dirty cat litter box which to me is very disgusting. We have a clean home and I expect a clean home but that doesn’t mean anything to her so therefore she ignores what I ask her to do. So I’m sitting here right now at 3:52 AM worried about what she’s going to do in life. I had asked her to schedule her orientation and get her classes scheduled back in March she finally did it last night because I told her you start school next they’re going to close registration. I feel like I am going to be the one that causes her to drop at school because I kicked her out. And I can see the writing on the wall for the way that she behaves in for the things that she does. She has a very addictive personality she has very strong genetic risks on both sides of the families for addictions. She is a follower. And she is stated she wants to experiment with drugs because everyone else of her friends is doing it. The last six months I have been very lenient and allowed her to make choices and I know that she comes home after having used marijuana and vaping which I am totally against. But again I have no control as she is 18 years old. I do have control over what happens in my house. I do feel she is remorseful at times but it’s also too proud to
Admit it. We did have an intervention while we were on vacation we called the mental health and made an appointment but because we were out of state and she was going to college in another school system they said to wait and not address it and don’t start any medications until we are back home. She told them I was the only problem she had in her life and everything in her life was wonderful except me. They advised me to use natural consequences and just let things happen if she’s stalling and not ready when we’re ready to go and she’s already been told what time we were going to leave then just walk out the door don’t engage and just go so I did some of these things and it seem to make it better but as soon as we left for home things changed up She is willing to take medications but at this point I don’t know where she is I don’t know what she’s doing I don’t know hell she’s going to survive let alone get back-and-forth to the school for her to possibly try to get through college. I know people are gonna say well she’s 18 she can make her choices and we’ll go on from there but our society does not create our children to be financially responsible adults at 18. 30 years ago yes 18 was OK it was young but it was OK to go out and make a living and make your way. And I just worry about the trauma that I may have caused her by sticking to my guns. I am alone I don’t have big support system as My family is very dysfunctional. So maybe someone out here can say the words that will resonate with me to let me know that i
May have stood up to the right thing or have I caused her to go more towards living a life that will probably take her life.
i just Can’t stand the lies and the disrespect.

I know that was a dump
And maybe not all
The way clear sorry.
I have done interventions prior to this with mental health providers and counseling. She always quits and says she doesn’t need it.
 

runawaybunny

Administrator
Staff member
Copabanana,
I saw your name on another post with Cindy Marie. From 2017. Do you know the end story
To that sad saga? With her daughter and the bad boyfriend??
I read it all thru tonight. And then it just ended. You gave great support thru that.
How are you and how did your son turn out? I’m
Sorry if that’s a bad topic.
I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful
And worried. She has no resources.
only
A new boyfriend that she had this week started staying over at his house. (I bet he is shocked-although I did tell
Him if he thought he was gonna start getting the milk And honey from
MY daughter that he should expect
To pay for her livelihood. That’s what adults who
Play adult Do. They payFor their own way so they can have those freedoms to do as they will is my thinking.)
My Daughter and I just had a month long trip to see the country and an island near us. A nice graduation gift. Ended up being miserable. Lots of angry hostile words from
My daughter. Lots of things. Disrespectful to the max.
And nonparticipating In our plans as she was resentful that she was even on this incredible opportunity that we had planned for a very long time well before the boyfriend was ever an idea. But she moped and complained the entire time and made it a very uncomfortable situation with my friends And their family that was hosting us. She has had a new boyfriend for several months. She has become belligerent more than her normal antisocial behavior. She is risk taking and has no impulse control It seems.
I didn’t let her use my car today thay she damaged by scraping thru the metal on 2 entire passenger doors before we went on vacation. I didn’t see it until the night before we were to leave she hid this
From me. She seems to have an awful problem with anyone in authority. She is not living by my expectations as to what I have told her to do in my home. She receives a weekly allowance. She doesn’t have to work but she does have a job. The only thing she is asked to do is to keep her room clean which she does not do and also the kitchen living room and her bathroom because I rarely go in any of these rooms and she trashes them daily. Basically any rules that I have said in the last several years she just continues to ignore and blow by like I’m just sitting there not saying a word. So she obviously doesn’t respect me. I did find out her father had a mental diagnosis before he was a teenager and those records are sealed. He was arrested and had some kind of other incidents. I was not told of any of this until until my daughter was several years old. As she’s gotten older I realize that the same things my ex-husband does and did to me she does as well it’s the same pattern of behavior. I probably left too late in the game but was trying to keep her father as a father figure and to get her older so therefore she could make her choice if she wanted to go to see him as he continuously gaslights whenever you’re around.
So when she was going to pick up her cat she came by the house today and decided she was going to take my car that she damaged which I had told her she could not use and was clear she thought she was just going to do it and I was going to be OK with it. Well she doesn’t drive safe she’s had some warning ticket I am scared to ride with her she is reckless. She thinks it’s OK to go 85 To 90 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I have life 360 and she continues to go well over the posted speed limits and she drives right up on people and she has the severe anger calling people names shooting them birds I mean just basically some really trashy behavior that is not accepted by anyone in my family. She is the last child
I’m my
Home there was only two the first is very successful lives out of the home no issues are concerned happily married had to get counseling from the stuff that happened at the home with the X but seems to adjusted well. This one has been a fight and I mean a stressful fight for years. I boundaries she blows by them. She has this horrible ungrateful attitude to where she thinks she’s entitled to things and it’s probably because I did give her things I didn’t give her things early she didn’t have a phone at eight she didn’t get one until she was 15 and was here alone at home for five or six hours until I got home so I felt that was safer since we don’t have good service here. She has not been given a car she’s only been allowed to drive mine she only got her license when she was almost 17 as I didn’t feel she was emotionally mature enough nor her hand l eye coordination was well enough to handle a vehicle. She’s has been mad at me for several years but since she has been dating this boy in the last couple of months she’s gotten very mouthy and very much more disrespectful. Says To Control her. She seems to have no remorse for anything she does. She never says she’s sorry and she never corrects the behavior. So today when I didn’t let her have the car and she got upset even more when I told her that if she was going to live like an adult and do adult things with her boyfriend I was not expecting her to continue to stay here if she’s leaving for days at a time and she’s gonna have to take her cat with her because she also doesn’t clean up as well as she should after the cat and her room smells like a dirty cat litter box which to me is very disgusting. We have a clean home and I expect a clean home but that doesn’t mean anything to her so therefore she ignores what I ask her to do. So I’m sitting here right now at 3:52 AM worried about what she’s going to do in life. I had asked her to schedule her orientation and get her classes scheduled back in March she finally did it last night because I told her you start school next they’re going to close registration. I feel like I am going to be the one that causes her to drop at school because I kicked her out. And I can see the writing on the wall for the way that she behaves in for the things that she does. She has a very addictive personality she has very strong genetic risks on both sides of the families for addictions. She is a follower. And she is stated she wants to experiment with drugs because everyone else of her friends is doing it. The last six months I have been very lenient and allowed her to make choices and I know that she comes home after having used marijuana and vaping which I am totally against. But again I have no control as she is 18 years old. I do have control over what happens in my house. I do feel she is remorseful at times but it’s also too proud to
Admit it. We did have an intervention while we were on vacation we called the mental health and made an appointment but because we were out of state and she was going to college in another school system they said to wait and not address it and don’t start any medications until we are back home. She told them I was the only problem she had in her life and everything in her life was wonderful except me. They advised me to use natural consequences and just let things happen if she’s stalling and not ready when we’re ready to go and she’s already been told what time we were going to leave then just walk out the door don’t engage and just go so I did some of these things and it seem to make it better but as soon as we left for home things changed up She is willing to take medications but at this point I don’t know where she is I don’t know what she’s doing I don’t know hell she’s going to survive let alone get back-and-forth to the school for her to possibly try to get through college. I know people are gonna say well she’s 18 she can make her choices and we’ll go on from there but our society does not create our children to be financially responsible adults at 18. 30 years ago yes 18 was OK it was young but it was OK to go out and make a living and make your way. And I just worry about the trauma that I may have caused her by sticking to my guns. I am alone I don’t have big support system as My family is very dysfunctional. So maybe someone out here can say the words that will resonate with me to let me know that i
May have stood up to the right thing or have I caused her to go more towards living a life that will probably take her life.
i just Can’t stand the lies and the disrespect.

I know that was a dump
And maybe not all
The way clear sorry.
I have done interventions prior to this with mental health providers and counseling. She always quits and says she doesn’t need it.
Welcome @Fifi_1123

I moved your post into it's own thread so that more people will read it and respond to you.
 

Fifi_1123

New Member
Welcome @Fifi_1123

I moved your post into it's own thread so that more people will read it and respond to you.
Thank you hope I do.
I reread my posting and in light of day my typos I see are because I was crying so hard. I am majorly sad. I tried to do the welfare check and got the runaround from three different police departments. Even though the boys she’s with has had several citations in the last month they say they have no reliable address even though the life 360 shows that address. No one in my family has seen her or heard from her for two days other than one text from her to me after I gave one nice police officer her phone number and he offered to call her. He never called me back but I got a short terse answer from her I am fine I will call you when I’m ready to talk to you. So I will leave it at that I have change the locks I have change the codes I have taken all the keys from where they are I have change the garage code and taking the garage door opener from the vehicle that she drove and damaged. I offered by text to replace some of the money that I know she spent out of her own bank account while we were on vacation and it was not to compensate or to do anything other than to be kind on my part
She did respond back with a crazy exorbitant amount that made no sense. So I’m just gonna wait until she’s ready to talk and we will talk about that money then. I’ve come to the realization that no matter how hard I try to get her to see how her actions and abstinence works against her and her only and it’s hurting her that if she doesn’t want to make the changes she will be the only one to make the changes and if she messes up it’s on her.
I have also come to the realization that I wouldn’t want to be my mother. I guess you could say I’m the authoritarian type parent. I do know that it’s not that I was inflexible but if you have rules you have rules and you have to stand your ground and you try to make them have boundaries because that’s what they are the craving boundaries and she did have boundaries she just blew by them like they weren’t there and since I didn’t do natural consequences way back when I should have that’s probably while we are in the pickle we are in now.

my goal at this point on is to try to mend a relationship in order for us to have a relationship. I looked back over mini pictures over the years and she’s growing up and I miss that child so much. There are so many things that we missed out on because of the struggles that we had with her not following the rules and me trying to reinforce those rules it was just like a broken record over and over and over again. So today on my way to work across this huge river that’s in our city and a very popular event is to go rafting down this river. The biggest deepest saddest regret hit my soul.
this is the summer we should be able to go rafting with her and some of my friends are with family and really having a great time instead of all of this arguing and bickering and the ugliness. And I looked back and I think that girl that I thought she was she is not and that’s what I have to come to terms with. I didn’t do OK sitting here at home alone but I did do OK once I got out of the house and got to work. Being that it’s a Covid pandemic and I work in healthcare we were very very very busy. This past rainy Sunday was awful we always spent rainy sundays in the couch watching movies eating popcorn making cookies and just chilling out. Those days appear to be gone too soon.
if my parenting has caused this rift then I think I’ll forever have these regrets.
I am still looking for advice and opinions no matter how harsh they may be. I read through many posts on this website and others thankfully I do have insight to my own actions and how this may have perpetuated and made things worse. I do wish I had gone back and made a point to have her saying it to make sure she has a diagnosis but I didn’t want her labeled I get that. And this may be what harmed her.
 
Hi Fifi, I'm sorry you are going through this with your difficult child. My relationship with my son has been similar. Being unpleasant and spoiling vacations - ongoing through childhood but worse at 17+, insolent behaviour as a teen, no respect shown, dirty habits and bedwetting, we didn't get him diagnosed as didn't want to label him as you said. He's now blaming us for everything and cut off contact completely last August (age 24). I hate to say it but this pattern doesn't seem to get better. We too look back on our parenting and wish we had done things differently, but no parent is perfect! The difficulty is her age, she's still pretty young. We continued to support our son from 18-21 as we felt he just needed help to mature, it started off OK but later we realised we were not helping. At 18 we encouraged him to take an art course, then paid for him to rent a room in a nearby city - it worked OK as it got him out of the house so we had a bit of peace, he even got a job eventually. After two or three years of odd jobs, dropping out of college, relationship breakups and living in rooms he returned home at the beginning of the pandemic as he stated he was homeless. (He'd been back home before, and we'd had to throw him out because it was impossible to live peacefully with him.) We didn't expect the pandemic lockdown to go on for so long, and his behaviour got worse and worse, throwing glasses and plates, painting abuse on the walls, reporting us to the authorities for 'abusing' him, suicide gestures which we took no notice of as we'd been through it so many times before.
By this time he was hearing his 24th birthday and we thought, that's enough! We tried, we're obviously not doing any good, so we're just going to stop. I cannot advise you, my only thought is what would we have done differently? Maybe not to be such pushovers, to demand respect in return for support... it's hard. All I can offer you is my experience, I know others will be coming along really soon! Hugs to you!
 

Fifi_1123

New Member
Hi Fifi, I'm sorry you are going through this with your difficult child. My relationship with my son has been similar. Being unpleasant and spoiling vacations - ongoing through childhood but worse at 17+, insolent behaviour as a teen, no respect shown, dirty habits and bedwetting, we didn't get him diagnosed as didn't want to label him as you said. He's now blaming us for everything and cut off contact completely last August (age 24). I hate to say it but this pattern doesn't seem to get better. We too look back on our parenting and wish we had done things differently, but no parent is perfect! The difficulty is her age, she's still pretty young. We continued to support our son from 18-21 as we felt he just needed help to mature, it started off OK but later we realised we were not helping. At 18 we encouraged him to take an art course, then paid for him to rent a room in a nearby city - it worked OK as it got him out of the house so we had a bit of peace, he even got a job eventually. After two or three years of odd jobs, dropping out of college, relationship breakups and living in rooms he returned home at the beginning of the pandemic as he stated he was homeless. (He'd been back home before, and we'd had to throw him out because it was impossible to live peacefully with him.) We didn't expect the pandemic lockdown to go on for so long, and his behaviour got worse and worse, throwing glasses and plates, painting abuse on the walls, reporting us to the authorities for 'abusing' him, suicide gestures which we took no notice of as we'd been through it so many times before.
By this time he was hearing his 24th birthday and we thought, that's enough! We tried, we're obviously not doing any good, so we're just going to stop. I cannot advise you, my only thought is what would we have done differently? Maybe not to be such pushovers, to demand respect in return for support... it's hard. All I can offer you is my experience, I know others will be coming along really soon! Hugs to you!
Thank you for responding. I did OK yesterday as I had to get up and get out of the house and get some things done like work again. I found that I did OK I was worried that I had things to do at work and it took my mind off of it for a little while. There are times when I can rationalize everything and look at it and know that I did the right thing and knowing that everything I did came from a base of love as a parent does make me feel not vindicated or exonerated those are the words I’m looking for but it does reinforce the fact that I can look back and go OK well maybe that wasn’t the perfect thing but in that moment in that time that was the right thing to do then. My biggest worry is for her safety in the world we live in and of course we are in the middle of a pandemic. I am fast learning my lack of control in my control was not one where I wanted control my control that I had with her was just over what my expectations and rules and my home etc. etc. It seems on my part that she grew up a lot faster than what I was able to see but also that she has become someone that I don’t even want to be around. She is not kind she is not nice she is not respectful and she’s very rude.
There was a new development as far as she contacted her father by phone today which she has consistently avoided him for the last two years. Seeing him on holidays birthdays celebrations things of that nature when she has to. But she refuses to go to his house at all. But she actually reached out and called him today and asked him if he could supply her with a vehicle which of course in his mind he doesn’t understand because she had the car here I was allowing her to drive. He had to tell her that he had sold his extra car and didn’t have one for her to use. So I’m sure in her way of thinking that she was stuck because 15 minutes after the phone call to him she texted me and said I’m willing to meet with you this evening if you still want to. I had not initiated any contact with her since the last time for days ago when she said she was fine and she would contact me when she was ready. I responded back and told her yes today this evening would be fine to meet and then I was coming to where she is in that town and I would be happy to pick her up. And I have not heard a single response back and it’s been about 10 hours. No confirmation nothing I’ve texted twice and I’ve called her once no answer. So I just think that she may have found someplace else to stay or that she may have found a different car to be able to use. Her father contacted me after their phone call. He states his concern is that he wants her home and that I should make concessions and certain such things I understand his concern and I also want her home but I don’t want her home to wear the same things happen. I have been able to talk with a family member who went through some similar things with their child some 15 years ago and it seems to be the same pattern of a lot of this mother-daughter things. I am learning to except that she may drop out of school. I am learning to except that she may not continue on the path that is healthiest for her. I have great fears for her I don’t want her staying with someone and may be sleeping with them and staying in a relationship just so she can have a place to stay. Those are my big fears and I understand those are her choices whether they be healthy or not. This. Is. Hard.
I am a Christian I am a believer but necessarily a practicer and I have prayed and what I have prayed for is for me to have clarity in my decisions for what I need to do to make this situation better for all of us and also that if she is not wanting to come home as that’s what she told her father she doesn’t want to come here. Then I prayed for the peace to accept that and for me to have the perseverance to stay strong and to begin to cultivate a life without her in it.
I have cried. The biggest sobs that I can remember crying since my father passed 28 years ago. I am grieving. I am also trying to acceot the grieving part because I feel that if I acceot the grief that comes along with this loss that I hopefully I will be able to begin Healing and deal with things so much better and be able to move on and not get fixated with the worry and the fears that the kids seem to consume but I thought the last several days.
so that’s where I’m at today.
OK I was asleep when I got the phone call from her father this morning and then after talking to her father I had some hope when she had texted but now there’s no response back I have this deep pit of dread in my soul. I feel like a yo-yo dependent on any communication that might cone thru. I pace I worry I check my ohone, all of it. I feel so defeated and I what to make sure that when I express the way on here what I’m feeling I’m really not trying to make this about myself I really just trying to make it about the situation. This is a help group and I’m not just trying to vent to make someone right or wrong I’m just trying to get through this.
and believe me I have had some self-destructive thoughts. Is this self pity or just part of the grief process.
Part of the conversation that I had today with my family member it was so very generous to spend part of her day to just stop and listen and offer advice was that she was giving me some very wise words that are very kind lady gave her some years ago when she was having problems with her daughter. She said that I have been a good parent and I have laid the seeds down and planted those seeds, nurtured those seeds, given those seeds a firm foundation to adhere to and grow. And now it was time to sit back and watch the fruit of those seeds grow. The person who gave my family member that advice was myself. I had forgotten this in all the last few years of turmoil. This was a good salve to put on my open grieving wound that is my soul right now.
Any advice is appreciated and accepted. I do have open ears and a trusting heart from those who have been through this.
This waiting and not knowing is ravaging my soul. If I am home and off for the day I feel frozen. I do not understand what I am doing to myself. I’m gripped with fear and worry. My mind comes up with scenarios to fix this and all be better and then worse things about her being harmed whether by her own choices or outside influences. So this is I guess what is called a basket case.
I’ve been Thinking of the training I had in years past Of Elizabeth Kubler Ross and her teachings of the grief process related to death and dying.
I think I am at the acceptance and bargaining stage. I’ve been at the shock and the denial. Hopefully I can get beyond this event.
I do want her home. I do want her safe. I do want a compromise but I don’t want more of the same.
I don’t know if she will come home. I do know that all through these years we have had conversation that has been had referencing remorse. If someone is remorseful and apologize for their behavior and want to Change then they will. Her patterns have not changed. They continue and they gave escalated.
If tonight’s meeting ever occurs I’m not asking for miracles. Will start with counseling for us as a step forward if both are willing.
I have even spoken with her father who had agreed to help in whatever way. I think he will put his foot down and make her go to his house if he ever gets her in his presence. He of all people he says understands exactly what she is doing to herself. I understand the pride and freedom she has had a taste of these last few days. That will be hard to come back to a place that has rules.
The caveat to this is that I was taking a travel assignment in the fall and she would have the entire house and car to herself as long as she stayed in school. So I will still offer that and her part of the rent is to stay in school and keep her scholarships. And keeps the cat care exemplary to where there’s no permeating cat smell in the house.
do you guys think this is caving??
we are in a pandemic and this world we live is not safe. The area I live is a major metropolitan area with huge numbers of sex trafficking and meth and heroin abuse.
On the other side of this coin is that with the sellers market we are in right now I can sell my home the day it lists for well over asking and it’s enough to pay all debts public and private lol. And have a large sum left over.
It is a good business decision for me. I was not contemplating this prior as my notices are to take care of her until she is ready to take care of her correctly. But if she doesn’t meet and doesn’t want to come home then I feel I should act in this and make plans for my future retirement. This is a big home with only myself and a perfect dog. Too much for me. And it’s lonely. I only bought here for her to get in house schools and live in a nice middle class home environment. I have no specific ties to this house.
Thoughts on this too??
I seem to have lost my ability to make straight forward decisions years ago. In my therapy I’ve learned it’s the relationship trauma and aftermath effects of a true toxic relationship with a person who is a real narcissist. People throw that term around too easily but it’s true. My ex husband is the best at emotionally crippling ppl as you learn to hide any emotion as it brings on the ability of him to use those against you. Today was first time we have spoken in over a year (our divorce and separation was many years long-11!!!-and is still fresh although we were separated since 2016- had to do it slow and in pieces for safety and other reasons). And he only blamed me for all of the problems with our daughter three times!!
Just all over the place here.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi Fifi.

How old is your daughter? She will not live with you forever. She will leave when she wants. in my opinion bribing her back will make her smug and more abusive. My daughter, now mid 30s, is a lot like yours and she has always been very difficult. She left at 18 but we bought her a house (big mistake!!!). We worried too much and Kay hated it. We had to let her go because she forced us to. She is homeless and jobless and seems to like it! There is nothing we can do and we all moved on. We are christians too and I gave her to God. That helps.

We have NO control over anyone but us, not even our beloved kids. We can get therapy to deal with this shocker. It helped my family stay strong after Kay almost destroyed us

Hugs and love.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I would think twice about agreeing for her to live in your home and use a car in your name while you are not around on a regular basis for days or weeks at a time. That is a recipe for disaster. Just because she might agree to all your rules does not mean she will follow them while you are gone.

But, I know that us moms will try to find a way to get things to work out in our child's best interest. And I can't tell you what you should do, because I have done things just so I feel better. It is what you can live with until you are able to detach more.

There is a great article on this forum (Parent Eneritus) it is always near the top of the list. Read that at least once a day.

I dont know your daughter's age, but have you provided access for birth control? Whether or not it fits in to your Christian beliefs, it is still important to protect her from pregnancy. And condoms for STDs. Instead of pills, have her discuss the injection you get once every 3 months or the implant n your arm or an IUD. My daughters would not remember to take a pill. My youngest is now the mom to a 1 year old...and if you think it is hard watching your daughter make poor decisions as a teen,,,imagine a teen with a baby and still not making good decisions. That is something I will update the forum on later.

You also need to consider that alcohol or drugs might be involved. If she had a fender bender in your car and did not report it or notify you, she may not have wanted the police involved.

Hope you feel better about the situation soon... ksm
 

ksm

Well-Known Member


Article on Detachment
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Fifi

I am getting my quotes mixed up so let me just write it out. You are very, very wise. You ended your post with an exact summary of the place where we all are, where we start, when we come here, and where we regress to even after years of work and changing. This is what you say:

I just worry about the trauma that I may have caused her by sticking to my guns

May have stood up to the right thing or have I caused her to go more towards living a life that will probably take her life.

This is the problem. Actually, there are several.

You are ascribing responsibility and causality to you, not to her.
You are punishing yourself for doing the right thing.
You are creating a Catch 22 for yourself. What I mean is that you've put yourself in a straitjacket. If you proactively respond to her actions, attitudes, and conduct, in your mind you become responsible for all and any (imagined) consequences that she may come to in the course of her life.

The thing is you are right, in so many ways. (At least in my opinion.)
I will tell you the things I agree with.

First, you don't say it exactly this way, but you imply it. You imply that it is your job as a parent to NOT tolerate bad behavior in your home and around you. Over that, you have both power to stop it, and the responsibility to stop it.

Let me continue, please. Of course, we don't anticipate that we will have to cut our kids loose at 18, and in this society, we hope for the opportunity to provide them with support to get educated and prepare to be self-sufficient. And yes, at 17, I became self-sufficient economically and soon after that moved out and put myself through college. But even then, it was a big deal, and uncommon. (I am old.)

But the thing is, the mover and shaker here is your daughter. She is the one who is making choices that are incompatible with your continuing supporting her in the manner you'd hoped. She is doing this not you. This is where you've gotten confused. We as parents have to respond to reality, not to dreams, wishes, and fantasies. (I am the worst offender here. I have to be honest.)

I agree with the others about the car. No car. The accident is a problem. That she concealed it from you is even worse. Why in the world does she deserve the trust of driving your car, when she acts untrustworthily, irresponsibly, and disrespectfully? She doesn't. How is it that she merits an allowance from you when she doesn't meet your expectations about taking care of the house and complying with your rules?

I agree with you 100 percent. She has decided to live according to her rules and against your values and your expectations.. She is self-supporting. She needs to move out. End of story. That is what I think. And this is what you think too. It's just that you undermine yourself. You are writing the end of the story when it is only beginning.

People make themselves. That is what adulthood is. When kids become adults it's their power, decisions, psyches, actions, and motivation that determine their lives, not that of their parents. We've lost any control we had. Join the club. That is why all of us are here on this forum. Dealing with this.

We can continue to support them, after 18, if they go along with it. If they go to college or trade school and are diligent in their studies, and use the resources we give them responsibly and treat us with a minimal amount of courtesy if not respect. your daughter is doing none of these things. These are her decisions. Not yours.

To continue to support and sustain her when she is acting badly, in my opinion, would be bad parenting. (We've all done it, unfortunately, because we love them and we're afraid.) Continuing support, when they're off the rails is enabling bad behavior. (Again, we've all done it--and I'm among the worst. Why, when I know better? Because I love my son and I am afraid.)

She trashes your rules and your house. She's entitled. She's an unsafe driver. She causes conflict and agony. She embarrassed you and has no caring or consideration if you suffer or the family suffers. She is disrespectful.

Do you see, these are her decisions, not yours? This is her life, not yours.

So I’m sitting here right now at 3:52 AM worried about what she’s going to do in life.
She needs to worry about her life, not you. There is not one thing you can do right now to help her except help her be responsible for the consequences that she is engendering in her life. This would be responsible parenting. Getting out of the way and letting her be responsible for the life she is creating. And face the reality that every single one of us has to live with and accept: that our children may choose to make bad decisions and to live bad lives. (I hate to speak in moral terms, but to me, they fit.) And there is not one thing we can do to stop them.

Oh believe you me. If this plan worked, trying to stop them from living bad lives--I would tell you, because I have tried and tried and tried. And it never ever worked.
I feel like I am going to be the one that causes her to drop at school because I kicked her out.
No. She is impossible to live with. She is choosing that. She is choosing to live in such a way that you can't have her there. When she chooses differently, you can consider a different arrangement.

So. Here we are full circle:
I just worry about the trauma that I may have caused her by sticking to my guns
You can't make her live well and responsibly. She has to choose this. She may or she may not, eventually. But she's not now. You are obligated to see the reality of how she is living now. You are doing this. You are not causing trauma. She is not traumatized. She is an adult now, who gets to live as she chooses. The only person who is traumatized right now is you. You are responsible to stop the circumstances that are traumatizing you. That is the correct thing to do.

The only person that can save your daughter's life, is your daughter. You have told us. She does not listen to you. Your daughter is the only one that can cause herself to go towards a bad life. If she wants to do this, you can't stop her. There is nothing you can do or not do to stop her. We've all tried. It doesn't work.

By helping ourselves, we help our children. Helping ourselves means regaining control over our homes and our lives. It means centering ourselves in us, not them, and giving responsibility to our children to live their best lives. If you are a believer, I would say we turn over our children to G-d. With G-d, our children can help themselves to live good lives.
 
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Nomad

Well-Known Member
'The only person that can save your daughter's life, is your daughter........ If she wants to do this, you can't stop her. There is nothing you can do or not do to stop her. We've all tried. It doesn't work."

"By helping ourselves, we help our children. Helping ourselves means regaining control over our homes and our lives.... It means centering ourselves in us, not them, and giving responsibility to our children to live their best lives."

I believe Copa said this. Soooo true words.

A former owner of this site use to say something about "meet me half way." This phrase keeps popping into my head.

This is something, we have used and gotten more positives results from with our daughter. It is a huge blessing for everyone. I don't know if she realizes it or not. Maybe she feels that she is getting help. A deal. I don't know. But, we hope it is teaching her that if she puts ZERO effort into making correct choices..her results will be ZERO.

But it is a sign that was needed. Of course, I wish it were more. Things are still extraordinarily difficult.

But, when we see her trying a little or willing to compromise here and there...it shows a little something. If we did not see any of that...it screams something to us. Some effort on her part is needed. Some willingness to do better. Some something.

We have used various expressions with her that have helped and that is one of them. "Meet me half way or this wont happen." Period.
Another is "Take it or leave it." Of course, she doesn't care for the second one. But, that is at times necessary.

The first one shows her there is some hope...but without any effort on her part...well...that's her choice and so be it.

My son went through a rough patch and it was hard...but I moved on. I got him some help, got a new job, found activities I enjoyed and I think our son observed that I wasn't wallowing in the aggravation he chose to bring upon himself. He moved on himself and did very well. I wasn't going to be part of his bad behavior.

Our daughter is much more difficult. She is unwell. It often takes longer. And perhaps will never be fully ok. Sigh. And she is often coming from a very strange, difficult place. Having one or two healthy friends that she respects has been very helpful. She might bounce ideas off of them..."well my parents say if I don't go to the doctor regularly...they are not going to "blank." And her friends would say things like "that sounds fair." (Often to her extreme shock...but she tends to accept it when they say things like that).

Believe me, I have been in the depths of despair. There have been very scary times. I did turn to my Higher Power to get me through them. I just thought I should mention that this expression "meet me half way" has helped me at times with her...especially in recent years.

Sending good thoughts to all who are suffering with these profoundly VERY difficult situations...you can't do it for them. They have to be willing to make at least some effort.
 
Copa, your last post is so wise, I'm going to copy and paste it into my Word file I keep entitled "help for us" where I put quotes that help me when I feel bad about my relationship with my son. Thank you so much!
 

Fifi_1123

New Member
Hi Fifi.

How old is your daughter? She will not live with you forever. She will leave when she wants. in my opinion bribing her back will make her smug and more abusive. My daughter, now mid 30s, is a lot like yours and she has always been very difficult. She left at 18 but we bought her a house (big mistake!!!). We worried too much and Kay hated it. We had to let her go because she forced us to. She is homeless and jobless and seems to like it! There is nothing we can do and we all moved on. We are christians too and I gave her to God. That helps.

We have NO control over anyone but us, not even our beloved kids. We can get therapy to deal with this shocker. It helped my family stay strong after Kay almost destroyed us

Hugs and love.
Thank you for replying.
I have accepted that.
it took a long hard five days
We have met and talked.
it seems she is learning the hard way.
she’s always been like that. Has to experience it first I gather. Many of us are like that.
I don’t guilt myself for raising her well. If she chooses the wrong path that’s on her snd that’s what I have accepted.
I also have accepted and forgiven myself for the past ever so many years of a maladaptive cycle that I see was manipulated by both of us.
I am filling my empty nest with options and am moving on.
I won’t be a doormat to disrespectful behaviors.
and won’t cave and allow my graciousness snd kindness to be abused. We are what we allow.
time to stop compensating for her losses in life.
Just don’t want her feeling obligated to ANOTHERS Grace Making her dependent upon them and then likely making unhealthy choices based on her helplessness in navigating this world.
She has asked for help in getting the college worked out to where she doesn’t lose opportunity.
im certainly ok with that.
im not ok with giving in and giving a car to use. So she will need all online classes.
I won’t give in so that she thinks it’s just another bump. She’s gonna have to her her own rides. Not on my insurance and I won’t take liability of her poor driving choices snd risk taking behaviors.
Thanks for the input.
best.
 

Fifi_1123

New Member
'The only person that can save your daughter's life, is your daughter........ If she wants to do this, you can't stop her. There is nothing you can do or not do to stop her. We've all tried. It doesn't work."

"By helping ourselves, we help our children. Helping ourselves means regaining control over our homes and our lives.... It means centering ourselves in us, not them, and giving responsibility to our children to live their best lives."

I believe Copa said this. Soooo true words.

A former owner of this site use to say something about "meet me half way." This phrase keeps popping into my head.

This is something, we have used and gotten more positives results from with our daughter. It is a huge blessing for everyone. I don't know if she realizes it or not. Maybe she feels that she is getting help. A deal. I don't know. But, we hope it is teaching her that if she puts ZERO effort into making correct choices..her results will be ZERO.

But it is a sign that was needed. Of course, I wish it were more. Things are still extraordinarily difficult.

But, when we see her trying a little or willing to compromise here and there...it shows a little something. If we did not see any of that...it screams something to us. Some effort on her part is needed. Some willingness to do better. Some something.

We have used various expressions with her that have helped and that is one of them. "Meet me half way or this wont happen." Period.
Another is "Take it or leave it." Of course, she doesn't care for the second one. But, that is at times necessary.

The first one shows her there is some hope...but without any effort on her part...well...that's her choice and so be it.

My son went through a rough patch and it was hard...but I moved on. I got him some help, got a new job, found activities I enjoyed and I think our son observed that I wasn't wallowing in the aggravation he chose to bring upon himself. He moved on himself and did very well. I wasn't going to be part of his bad behavior.

Our daughter is much more difficult. She is unwell. It often takes longer. And perhaps will never be fully ok. Sigh. And she is often coming from a very strange, difficult place. Having one or two healthy friends that she respects has been very helpful. She might bounce ideas off of them..."well my parents say if I don't go to the doctor regularly...they are not going to "blank." And her friends would say things like "that sounds fair." (Often to her extreme shock...but she tends to accept it when they say things like that).

Believe me, I have been in the depths of despair. There have been very scary times. I did turn to my Higher Power to get me through them. I just thought I should mention that this expression "meet me half way" has helped me at times with her...especially in recent years.

Sending good thoughts to all who are suffering with these profoundly VERY difficult situations...you can't do it for them. They have to be willing to make at least some effort.
Thank you for the reply. I can see how this would be helpful.
she’s here today and we are having some discussions and I’m not sure she really gets it yet based on a few of her responses. But this break has allowed me to realize that I can’t continue to allow this to happen no matter how worse the natural consequences are to be for her.
Best
 

Fifi_1123

New Member
Dear Fifi

I am getting my quotes mixed up so let me just write it out. You are very, very wise. You ended your post with an exact summary of the place where we all are, where we start, when we come here, and where we regress to even after years of work and changing. This is what you say:





This is the problem. Actually, there are several.

You are ascribing responsibility and causality to you, not to her.
You are punishing yourself for doing the right thing.
You are creating a Catch 22 for yourself. What I mean is that you've put yourself in a straitjacket. If you proactively respond to her actions, attitudes, and conduct, in your mind you become responsible for all and any (imagined) consequences that she may come to in the course of her life.

The thing is you are right, in so many ways. (At least in my opinion.)
I will tell you the things I agree with.

First, you don't say it exactly this way, but you imply it. You imply that it is your job as a parent to NOT tolerate bad behavior in your home and around you. Over that, you have both power to stop it, and the responsibility to stop it.

Let me continue, please. Of course, we don't anticipate that we will have to cut our kids loose at 18, and in this society, we hope for the opportunity to provide them with support to get educated and prepare to be self-sufficient. And yes, at 17, I became self-sufficient economically and soon after that moved out and put myself through college. But even then, it was a big deal, and uncommon. (I am old.)

But the thing is, the mover and shaker here is your daughter. She is the one who is making choices that are incompatible with your continuing supporting her in the manner you'd hoped. She is doing this not you. This is where you've gotten confused. We as parents have to respond to reality, not to dreams, wishes, and fantasies. (I am the worst offender here. I have to be honest.)

I agree with the others about the car. No car. The accident is a problem. That she concealed it from you is even worse. Why in the world does she deserve the trust of driving your car, when she acts untrustworthily, irresponsibly, and disrespectfully? She doesn't. How is it that she merits an allowance from you when she doesn't meet your expectations about taking care of the house and complying with your rules?

I agree with you 100 percent. She has decided to live according to her rules and against your values and your expectations.. She is self-supporting. She needs to move out. End of story. That is what I think. And this is what you think too. It's just that you undermine yourself. You are writing the end of the story when it is only beginning.

People make themselves. That is what adulthood is. When kids become adults it's their power, decisions, psyches, actions, and motivation that determine their lives, not that of their parents. We've lost any control we had. Join the club. That is why all of us are here on this forum. Dealing with this.

We can continue to support them, after 18, if they go along with it. If they go to college or trade school and are diligent in their studies, and use the resources we give them responsibly and treat us with a minimal amount of courtesy if not respect. your daughter is doing none of these things. These are her decisions. Not yours.

To continue to support and sustain her when she is acting badly, in my opinion, would be bad parenting. (We've all done it, unfortunately, because we love them and we're afraid.) Continuing support, when they're off the rails is enabling bad behavior. (Again, we've all done it--and I'm among the worst. Why, when I know better? Because I love my son and I am afraid.)

She trashes your rules and your house. She's entitled. She's an unsafe driver. She causes conflict and agony. She embarrassed you and has no caring or consideration if you suffer or the family suffers. She is disrespectful.

Do you see, these are her decisions, not yours? This is her life, not yours.


She needs to worry about her life, not you. There is not one thing you can do right now to help her except help her be responsible for the consequences that she is engendering in her life. This would be responsible parenting. Getting out of the way and letting her be responsible for the life she is creating. And face the reality that every single one of us has to live with and accept: that our children may choose to make bad decisions and to live bad lives. (I hate to speak in moral terms, but to me, they fit.) And there is not one thing we can do to stop them.

Oh believe you me. If this plan worked, trying to stop them from living bad lives--I would tell you, because I have tried and tried and tried. And it never ever worked.

No. She is impossible to live with. She is choosing that. She is choosing to live in such a way that you can't have her there. When she chooses differently, you can consider a different arrangement.

So. Here we are full circle:

You can't make her live well and responsibly. She has to choose this. She may or she may not, eventually. But she's not now. You are obligated to see the reality of how she is living now. You are doing this. You are not causing trauma. She is not traumatized. She is an adult now, who gets to live as she chooses. The only person who is traumatized right now is you. You are responsible to stop the circumstances that are traumatizing you. That is the correct thing to do.

The only person that can save your daughter's life, is your daughter. You have told us. She does not listen to you. Your daughter is the only one that can cause herself to go towards a bad life. If she wants to do this, you can't stop her. There is nothing you can do or not do to stop her. We've all tried. It doesn't work.

By helping ourselves, we help our children. Helping ourselves means regaining control over our homes and our lives. It means centering ourselves in us, not them, and giving responsibility to our children to live their best lives. If you are a believer, I would say we turn over our children to G-d. With G-d, our children can help themselves to live good lives.
Copa,

thank you from the bottom of my heart for answering.
I have read and reread your responses thanks for breaking them down. Felt I was rambling a bit.
I wholeheartedly agree with your very wise words.
these are things I know. It’s just a sad part of reality that we as parents have to accept that we didn’t get our children to a shining sorority with glistening grades and all smoothed down hair!! I see that it is my own ideals for her that I am struggling with the loss of. I am a huge advocate for autonomy. And that is a likely reason for some of where we have landed. But my head is no longer In the sand (didn’t even know I was in the desert truly) I’m not normally the one ignoring the obvious. I’m the one who talks about the elephant in the room. I’m normally the advisor and take charge person and I can see where this may have overshadowed her somewhat in my listening to her needs. Not to say that her behavior is anywhere near acceptable.
I am trying to come up with a mutually acceptable agreement that keeps her safe but doesn’t use me or my funds or my liability to get her where she needs to be.

so with that being said, know I am grateful for yours and everyone’s else’s input here.
Finding that balance will be the key.
I don’t want an estranged strained relationship with her but I have to understand that she may see me as her only problem and that’s on her. I can only wish I had parents like me. Hahaha. There through it all. Maybe that’s my compensatory behavior kicking in. Be there for her to make sure she didn’t suffer the loss of parental guidance like I did??
Maybe everyone else in her life has not stepped up, I see this and I am stepping up for them too. To cover my own hurts from those same type abandonment issues and make up for it so she doesn’t suffer.
it’s amazing what five days of introspection and some clarity can bring. I’m normally a rational minded fully functioning healthy adult parent. I do see my part and how I can make things better (and still not caving in) and not so controlling sounding. As it wasn’t from that base I was coming from. I was coming from the position of having to hold my ground. And I am weary of that. So it took me finally getting to the point of being done with the abuse. I’m not a ninny nor a doormat and I am pretty headstrong and brave in personality. So do not like the parent I had become. I was not in control.
I am in control of my home. I am I control of my vehicles. She won’t be in my vehicles driving any further. Won’t budge on that. Tomorrow starts a new day. A first for college for her and a first for me. Empty nest. I’m filling it full.
I Am in control of where I go from here and won’t be swayed by my compassion empathy and love for my child to continue to enable her to keep being so callously rude and ugly acting.

Sad that when I contacted her father he wanted her back in my home full time and he won’t allow her one of his three vehicles that are running.
he’s good at saying what needs to be done but not at stepping in and being that parent that I doubled for over the years.
Hindsight is getting clearer every day. This is helping my inner self to feel so much better.
it’s amazing the weight that allowing this to continue for so long has placed in my heart and soul. I’ve known it was the wrong behavior for a long time in my part. But I do understand I was really trying To get her to see her actions and what would happen. I am fully aware that she will
Or won’t. And that that is NOT on my soul. It’s in HERS. And that’s okay too.
Best to you Copa and many thanks to everyone else.
Thank you for putting into this forum what we know as parents. Thank you for helping us see these things and helping us get back on track. It was exceedingly hard to open up out here like this and I am very thankful that I did and
For everyone here.
My best to all.

Fi

side note. I’m flying the coop and headed to the islands. Short term assignments.
might even sell the home in this wild real estate market. I’m feeling this will be best case scenario. I sell off what I don’t need and then there no way I get tangled up in the continued saga of the daughters angst.
How’s that for filing the empty nest??
That sounds like running away but it’s not. It’s serving my wants and needs. I work and make my living and travel too!!
 

Fifi_1123

New Member
I would think twice about agreeing for her to live in your home and use a car in your name while you are not around on a regular basis for days or weeks at a time. That is a recipe for disaster. Just because she might agree to all your rules does not mean she will follow them while you are gone.

But, I know that us moms will try to find a way to get things to work out in our child's best interest. And I can't tell you what you should do, because I have done things just so I feel better. It is what you can live with until you are able to detach more.

There is a great article on this forum (Parent Eneritus) it is always near the top of the list. Read that at least once a day.

I dont know your daughter's age, but have you provided access for birth control? Whether or not it fits in to your Christian beliefs, it is still important to protect her from pregnancy. And condoms for STDs. Instead of pills, have her discuss the injection you get once every 3 months or the implant n your arm or an IUD. My daughters would not remember to take a pill. My youngest is now the mom to a 1 year old...and if you think it is hard watching your daughter make poor decisions as a teen,,,imagine a teen with a baby and still not making good decisions. That is something I will update the forum on later.

You also need to consider that alcohol or drugs might be involved. If she had a fender bender in your car and did not report it or notify you, she may not have wanted the police involved.

Hope you feel better about the situation soon... ksm
Truly I think the lack of contraceptives is how this as brought to a head. She went off them as she continuously takes them irregularly.
I am knowledgeable about products for BC and am not a fan of iud in nulliparous females. Nor am I a fan of depo for if she ever decides she wants children the links to infertility are real snd that’s not enough option also too close to causing obesity and PCOS and such.
I had her out on BC at 16 for the mood swings and irritability and such and it did work. This was a big turn around for her. So yes she is ready to go back on them. She reports she doesn’t like children at all and doesn’t want anything to do with kids and is not prepared for them. She’s thankfully not that irresponsibly minded.
There are products here that I know she has used. We have been open regarding things of that nature in the past. There’s a mimicry product of thc here called delta 8. It gives them a mild feeling of being high.
I actually wouldn’t mind her in something that toned her down and helped her anxiety. SSRI/SSNI have been if no use. Doesn’t work well for her. We’ve used 5HTP and tryptophan as suggested by her psychiatric NP.
She is not resistant to care of that sort but I do see all the signs of the path to drug use.
Mira in my family’s gene history snd also her fathers as far as alcohol goes so she dies have higher chance of becoming addicted if she uses. And yes I have definitely made her aware and understand the concept of dependence physiologically.
I am no longer holding out for these kernels of hope. I’m just seeing this for what it is and am moving on. I’m making sure that three is no liability on my part legally for her actions and am setting up her final disembarkment from the home place.
We are sitting down today to discuss options. I know I will feel better knowing she will have a safe clean environment to live in if I am not here and am taking steps to make full written agreements if she is amenable to my terms. I will use the phrase how can we meet halfway here??
I am planning on getting a full answer in what she expects to receive if I allow her back here for this one ably one semester of school.
The cat back in the house is only option if it’s in basement with kitty door. It can be outside in day and in at night. And only in basement not in her room. It will either be that or not here at all.
I won’t be gullible with her current remorseful attitude. I mean it’s only been 7 days away now. She hasn’t seen what it’s like to be cold snd hungry and without anything extra, and it shows.
move done a good job and have placed my personal life on hold until she has turned 18 and I am certain this is part of her behavior also. She sees me moving on with others. But she can adjust and accept with respect my choice of friends and significant others or not.

Thanks for some ideas and input.
I do not feel 100 percent comfortable with her here in my home alone. I have plans in the works for persons I trust to be in my home regularly and maybe it just spot check several times a week
my mother is close and I have family close by. They will keep an eye out for things here. I’ve already gotten all the valuables put away ( I had an alcoholic drug addict brother that stole from us regularly)
All firearms are out of the home safe. And all keys to car and access to garage and home codes have been changed. House alarm has been reset.

My latest decision is to either sell this home and my extra vehicles and have no debt whatsoever at all while the market is good and lease a place closer to the college. The college has transit buses to and from campus. There are worse ways she would have to live.
 

Fifi_1123

New Member
Hi Fifi, I'm sorry you are going through this with your difficult child. My relationship with my son has been similar. Being unpleasant and spoiling vacations - ongoing through childhood but worse at 17+, insolent behaviour as a teen, no respect shown, dirty habits and bedwetting, we didn't get him diagnosed as didn't want to label him as you said. He's now blaming us for everything and cut off contact completely last August (age 24). I hate to say it but this pattern doesn't seem to get better. We too look back on our parenting and wish we had done things differently, but no parent is perfect! The difficulty is her age, she's still pretty young. We continued to support our son from 18-21 as we felt he just needed help to mature, it started off OK but later we realised we were not helping. At 18 we encouraged him to take an art course, then paid for him to rent a room in a nearby city - it worked OK as it got him out of the house so we had a bit of peace, he even got a job eventually. After two or three years of odd jobs, dropping out of college, relationship breakups and living in rooms he returned home at the beginning of the pandemic as he stated he was homeless. (He'd been back home before, and we'd had to throw him out because it was impossible to live peacefully with him.) We didn't expect the pandemic lockdown to go on for so long, and his behaviour got worse and worse, throwing glasses and plates, painting abuse on the walls, reporting us to the authorities for 'abusing' him, suicide gestures which we took no notice of as we'd been through it so many times before.
By this time he was hearing his 24th birthday and we thought, that's enough! We tried, we're obviously not doing any good, so we're just going to stop. I cannot advise you, my only thought is what would we have done differently? Maybe not to be such pushovers, to demand respect in return for support... it's hard. All I can offer you is my experience, I know others will be coming along really soon! Hugs to you!
ThTs some very tough choices you’ve had to make with regards to your don. Wishing you much peace.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I’m normally the advisor and take charge person and I can see where this may have overshadowed her somewhat in my listening to her needs.
I think you're being hard on yourself here.
Be there for her to make sure she didn’t suffer the loss of parental guidance like I did??
Join the club. Many of us have not let go because we wanted to on some level "make it right" for ourselves. I didn't have parents that helped me grow up or in any way ease the way for me, either. I think I compensated by not seeing my son as he was or letting go when I should have.

On the other hand, your daughter is very young. I think the help and support you've provided her were just right. Nothing that you write to me sounds like you took too much or did it for too long. I think you're just the mother she needs.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Fi,

I am just now catching up. I stopped reading after you said what a difference 5 days make. You made such a turnaround that I was saying the same thing in my head. I am so very proud of you for shaking free of the emotional guilt and worry! This site saved my life, Copa was the first to say something that truly saved my mind and soul. I had bought my kid a tent because he decided to be homeless (rather than sober), I googled "I bought my kid a tent today, who does that?" and found a link to this site. Copa said a mom does...you provided shelter as moms do. I was floored. Inside I was doing everything FOR him but in reality, I was torturing myself. I questioned myself in the way that you did about your daughter's college. If I don't help her with school XYZ will happen. The people on this site continually keep each other's heads screwed on straight. It's amazing and loving. Please stick around. We will be cheering you and your daughter on!
Love,
JMOM
 
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