I found stepgfg

[Hound dog]

Yep. Thanks to the search engine posted in water cooler by Ant's Mom I found her. She's living in her hometown in Missouri. I checked out the property address. It's a rental. Wish my credit card wasn't maxed out or I'd gather more info. I did get her address. It doesn't surprise me that she doesn't have a phone.

So I tried looking up husband's ex wife. I know her full name and birthday. I got nothing. Weird. So I looked to see if stepgfg and her b/f, Kayla and Alex's dad, might still be together. I found him, but he's off in timbucktoo. No where near them. Not sure if this is a good thing or not.

N wants me to write her a letter today. husband has failed to comment except "oh". He didn't even get up to come over and look at the computer. I know she's my step daughter, but this child has been in my life since she was 3 yrs old. I love her as much as my own kids.

My heart wants me to write to her. There are so many things I'd like to know, if for peace of mind if nothing else. I'd like to know if she ever grew up, got off the drugs or got help for her major gfgness. I'd be thrilled to find out how my grandchildren are doing.

But my head isn't so sure this is a good idea. psychiatrist at Children's when N was hospitalized said this was a major trauma in her life. I know it was for me. And I don't know if I should open that door again. Even if I did write to her there is no reason to believe I'll get a response. The letter she mailed to us when she disappeared said she never wanted us in her life again.

I'm just mulling this around for the moment. Sort of thinking aloud. I know if we could at least get some closure on this it would make N feel better about the whole mess. N was devistated by this. And not just her. The whole family was.

And we're all the family Kayla and Alex have, most especially if something happened to husband's ex. Their Dad had no family.

I've waited almost 5 yrs hoping she'd contact us. We've moved, but I'm in the book. Her grandmother never moved. There where ways for her to contact us if she wanted.

But the letter she mailed was nasty, and didn't make alot of sense. I still have it locked away. Maybe she's been afraid to contact us for fear of our reaction if she tried. Who knows?

Ugh.

 

[everywoman]

I'd write her. The worst thing that could happen is that things remain the same. It's not as if you would be risking cutting off communication, and maybe, just maybe, she is at a place in her life where she is ready to make peace as well. It speaks something that she is in her old hometown, a place she knows that you know to look. Of course, you could be facing rejection. Are you ready to be rejected? I would not tell N I was writing until I knew what the reaction will be. If you don't hear back, or if she reacts negatively, she doesn't have to know.

 

[Sunlight]

she may have a phone but it may be a cell or unlisted.

gosh I hope I didnt open up pandora's box for ya.

Myself...I would write her just to have closure in my own mind.

 

[Hound dog]

No. You didn't open pandora's box. I've been looking on other search engines on and off since she left. I didn't have to type in her name.

I'm going to think on this for awhile. I'm trying hard to avoid a knee jerk reaction I may later regret. But as far as my heart goes, detachment 101 is going out the window. If she'd had a listed number, I probably would've called it without even thinking. *sigh*

 

[Jen]

How is it that guys can be so cavalier abut situations. It aggravates me.

Good luck with your choice and outcomes.

Jen

 

[Sunlight]

Lisa,
when Kaleb was only two months old, my ex bought ant a 700.00 car (even though ant had lost his license and had warrants out for his arrest). ant took kaleb and danielle and left for parts unknown. they disappeared for two months. they went from PA to calif then to Reno. they sold the car for food. they had only the clothes on their backs. danielle wised up and left with kaleb/her mom bought them a train ticket home. I did not see kaleb for another month while I continued to call and try to locate him.

I did not search for ant. I knew ant knew how to reach me but I wanted that baby safe.

kaleb is in my living room laying in his uncles lap watching a movie. ant is on the job.

I would have never dreamed it could be this good.

follow your heart.

God bless.
Janet

 

[SunnyFlorida]

I would let sleeping dogs lie.

 

[kris]

<span style="color: #660000">lisa, i clearly remember how much a part of the fabric of your family's life those grandbabies were.....how deep your pain was when she left with-no clue of where she was or how they all were.

i agree with-the poster who suggested you write to her but not say anything to N until you see what happens with-that. no sense opening her heart to a possible reunion that might never happen.

be careful to approach her with-caution. no great outpourings of emotion. keep it simple....hope you & the kids are well. we miss you. get in touch if you want to.

won't be an easy letter to write, that's for sure.

kris </span>

 

[1905]

I wouldn't contact her. Major trauma in her life says it all. She knew where to contact you. From my own self being in her position-I would not want contact. I would respect her wishes.-Alyssa

 

[DazedandConfused]

I'd write her, but make it very brief. Perhaps just a few short sentences leaving the door open a crack. Like, you hope she, and the kids, are ok and that if, and when, she so desires, she can get in touch with you. Keep it very detached and non-threatening.

Have no expectations, just live your life. And make no further contact unless she has indicated that is what she desires.

I'm sorry. I know when my 17 yo sister disappeared (deliberately)for nearly a year, my Mom was anguished and heartbroken.

 

[OTE]

I really am so happy for you.

I may be the queen of the internet but it's not always such a bad thing. In such situations (which have only arisen for me when gfs are in the process of divorce and we want to know what he's really doing, really owns, etc). You don't want to lie but find a way to stretch the truth if you have to.

First thing I'd do is call the local police and see if they will tell you if there have been any police calls to that address. Usually they will because it's public record. In that process you are likely to find out who is living there with her, how long she's been there, whether there's drug activity there, etc. If necessary say that you are looking to buy a house on that block and hear that this address is a problem.

Go to the town, county or city real estate property search and find out the owner's name. It could be a real estate agency handling the rental. But if you make a few calls you may get some info about who is living there... eg they're typically quite happy to say that the tenant is a (insert curse) and would love to get rid of her or is a lovely person and they don't think she'll be leaving any time soon.

As you say, if necessary, get a private detective there to send you a few photos of her and the kids. Shouldn't be expensive because it won't take long if he does it when the kids are leaving for school. You'll be able to tell if the kids look Ok or if they look like they're living in a crack or meth house. Detective will also be able to tell you if she looks like she's on meth or something. These yrs on meth will have taken their toll.

About that letter of venom. I don't know the story of it but remember that it was written by a young girl under the influence of an unsavory man while she was on meth. She might have meant every word or it might have been dictated to her by him. If you find out that she's turned around then go for it. If she hasn't then it's a different story. I understand that she didn't contact you if she has turned around but some years have gone by and she may not know what to say now.

Don't forget google earth and even mapquest has a satellite view feature. Most town property sites do as well. Will give you some idea of the neighborhood anyway.

Some places have birth records online and that will tell you if she's had any more babies.

 

[Hound dog]

It's taken me awhile to respond again. I've been doing alot of thinking. And it's not helping that N's keeps asking either if I'm going to write to stepgfg, or if I already have. :frown:

OTE you're right. She was an addict on meth. And the b/f, the kid's Dad, was no prize himself. And to be frank, I'm just happy to know she's alive. If you recall we they disappeared we were informed they had some major meth dealers after them.

But as for the rest. I've been torn up really bad about this. The Mom and Nana part of me wants to open that door wide. Even after all of the pain, I love them so much. For all these years I pushed aside those feelings because I had to just to keep going. I've missed them so much. I've grieved so deeply. And I've worried for so long.

And then there is my head reminding me that she is an addict, whether she's currently using or not. I think of how she used us to suit herself, how she used the kids to get things she wanted.... That stepgfg was a major difficult child long before the meth. I want to believe she got help. I know what Meth does. I want more than anything to believe she got her life together. Dumped the loser b/f. And started living up to her responsibility of being a Mom to Kayla and Alex.

Kayla and Alex. OMG Just typing their names brings tears to my eyes. My heart has ached for those two. My first grandchildren. The lil one's I pretty much raised til stepgfg took off. Each time I look at Darrin and Aubrey, I see Kayla and Alex. Oddly enough, for cousins they could all pass as siblings. Aubrey is named after Kayla. (middle name) easy child has a tattoo on her back with their names.
I wonder if Kayla is how I remember her. Does Alex have special needs? Does Kayla still look identical to easy child and stepgfg? Alex was a carbon copy of husband and T. Does he look like T did at 5?

Then the other questions hit me. Are they being cared for? Are they healthy, loved, safe? Are they happy?

I think I will open the door. But as it's been suggested, just a crack. Holding no expectation. The family won't know when I do it. What they don't know can't hurt them. easy child and T still don't even know I found stepgfg. Only N and husband know. It will be for my peace of mind. I'll know that I gave stepgfg the opening. If she chooses not to take it now, maybe sometime in the future she will.

Trust. Now that is a whole other subject. I'm not so sure that will ever come back.

OTE thanks for the ideas on how to check up on her. I may give it a whirl. Although I think the PI is way out of our league.

Oddly enough I'm angry. Mad as h#ll that I can't just call her up and ask how they all are and catch her up on all the news. Angry that she's cheated Kayla and Alex out of almost 5 yrs with family who adore them. And that she cheated herself out of that same love and support.

 

[kris]

<span style="color: #660000">lisa, i hope however this turns out you & your family find peace with-it.

kris </span>

 

[Sunlight]

Lisa, perhaps your grandchildren are also missing you and wondering what happened to you.
you are already in pain. even if it gets somewhat worse when you try to contact, at least you will know you tried.

 

[DazedandConfused]

OTE gave some wonderful suggestions.

Best of luck.

 

[KFld]

I would write to her and then wait and see what happens. If she doesn't write back, then I would drop it, but I know I would have to give it a try.