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I guess some things just aren't meant to be
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 748793" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am glad he is 60 days clean. That doesn't solve all of anyone's problems. I have to say, it sounds like it is time to put some distance between you.</p><p></p><p>When he was younger, did you stand up for yourself when he treated you badly? All kids treat their parents badly at some point. It is how they learn what is and is not acceptable. It sounds like it has never occurred to him that you are an actual person with your own wants, needs, likes, dislikes and aches and pains. You need to learn to set some boundaries with him or he won't ever change how he treats you.</p><p></p><p>I am NOT accusing you of anything. Not bad parenting, nor anything else. I know it might sound like it, but that isn't my intent. I am having trouble choosing the right words tonight because of a migraine. So if it sounds like I am blaming you for his attitude and behavior, I am terribly sorry as that is FAR from what I mean.</p><p></p><p>I am saying that if he has been so obnoxious about things in the past that you and others have opted to not speak up and demand better treatment, it is understandable. Esp with soemone with a drug problem as they can be dangerously unstable.</p><p></p><p>Setting boundaries isn't easy, and enforcing them is also hard. But if you can do it calmly and clearly, and not back down no matter what, even the most difficult person CAN learn to abide by them. There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend that is absolutely wonderful for help with this.</p><p></p><p>You might start with something like telling him "No" when he calls to come home next time. Even if it is not a big deal in your schedule, telling him that you are too busy and he cannot come might be a way to start. He WILL get angry because he has already planned what he will do and what you will give him or pay for on is behalf. He won't like being thwarted. When he gets ugly, hang up. You might even start when he is at the facility by speaking with the therapist or house mother or whatever. Let it be known that in the future, if he gets abusive or unpleasant on the phone, you will hang up and you will not speak to him for 24 hours. If he keeps calling even though you are not answering, every call will increase it a set amount of time. If he is planning to visit your home, he must ASK and he must be a polite guest while he is there. No more making you crawl into the back of a convertible, or keeping the change when he uses your money to pay for something, esp if he gets it free! If he does this to you, he won't be able to visit.</p><p></p><p>He is going to call you names and tell you that you are a bad mother. He will tell you that you don't love him, and that you are trying to drive him back to using. This is manipulation and you need to hang up when it starts. If he is in your house and acts this way, tell him to leave. If he won't, call the cops. I am serious. If he doesn't treat everyone this way, then he knows better. if he treats everyone this way, it is time to teach him that people won't tolerate this. I am betting he only treats you this way. He knows how much you love him and he has learned that you won't set any boundaries. </p><p></p><p>I have a super tough time with setting boundaries. It can make my heart race, esp if the other person gets angry. But the more I ahve done it,t he better at it I get. And the less it bothers me to not put up with bad behavior from others. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if you have ever gone to al-anon. It can be a BIG help with this. No matter what your son was addicted to, Al-Anon is a way to learn to interact with him in a much healthier way. And to treat yourself better also. It really was a big help for me. </p><p></p><p>Oh, as far as him correcting you constantly, I would simply stop speaking at that point. I might tell him that I am an adult and will use any word I DAM well please, and he will keep himself from correcting me or he could walk back to the treatment facility he lives in. If I thought I could do it calmly. My brother did this to my mother for quite a while. He also would talk louder and louder until he thought she finally agreed with him. Even telling him it was disrespectful and to stop it didn't get through. Then she started to get up and walk away from wherever he was every single time he either corrected some little thing that wasn't a mistake or he started to repeat himself louder and louder if she didn't agree with him. I laughed at him SO HARD the night he called to tell me that I needed to help him commit our mother because she would just walk away in the middle of the conversation when they were talking. It was the funniest thing I ever heard of - and I am not lacking in comedy in my life!</p><p></p><p>I told him that she was walking away because he was either correcting her on something that wasn't incorrect, or he was doing the repeating thing. He assured me it just couldn't be that, it HAD to be Alzheimers. This was over a decade ago, and while he backslides now and then, he hasn't tried to even bring up committing our parents since. He knows better. </p><p></p><p>Setting boundaries when they have been so eroded is not easy. Just remember that if you EVER give in, it will be three times as hard to keep a boundary the next time. And that it is for his own good, because it really is. Parenting is NEVER easy, no matter how old your kids are!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 748793, member: 1233"] I am glad he is 60 days clean. That doesn't solve all of anyone's problems. I have to say, it sounds like it is time to put some distance between you. When he was younger, did you stand up for yourself when he treated you badly? All kids treat their parents badly at some point. It is how they learn what is and is not acceptable. It sounds like it has never occurred to him that you are an actual person with your own wants, needs, likes, dislikes and aches and pains. You need to learn to set some boundaries with him or he won't ever change how he treats you. I am NOT accusing you of anything. Not bad parenting, nor anything else. I know it might sound like it, but that isn't my intent. I am having trouble choosing the right words tonight because of a migraine. So if it sounds like I am blaming you for his attitude and behavior, I am terribly sorry as that is FAR from what I mean. I am saying that if he has been so obnoxious about things in the past that you and others have opted to not speak up and demand better treatment, it is understandable. Esp with soemone with a drug problem as they can be dangerously unstable. Setting boundaries isn't easy, and enforcing them is also hard. But if you can do it calmly and clearly, and not back down no matter what, even the most difficult person CAN learn to abide by them. There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend that is absolutely wonderful for help with this. You might start with something like telling him "No" when he calls to come home next time. Even if it is not a big deal in your schedule, telling him that you are too busy and he cannot come might be a way to start. He WILL get angry because he has already planned what he will do and what you will give him or pay for on is behalf. He won't like being thwarted. When he gets ugly, hang up. You might even start when he is at the facility by speaking with the therapist or house mother or whatever. Let it be known that in the future, if he gets abusive or unpleasant on the phone, you will hang up and you will not speak to him for 24 hours. If he keeps calling even though you are not answering, every call will increase it a set amount of time. If he is planning to visit your home, he must ASK and he must be a polite guest while he is there. No more making you crawl into the back of a convertible, or keeping the change when he uses your money to pay for something, esp if he gets it free! If he does this to you, he won't be able to visit. He is going to call you names and tell you that you are a bad mother. He will tell you that you don't love him, and that you are trying to drive him back to using. This is manipulation and you need to hang up when it starts. If he is in your house and acts this way, tell him to leave. If he won't, call the cops. I am serious. If he doesn't treat everyone this way, then he knows better. if he treats everyone this way, it is time to teach him that people won't tolerate this. I am betting he only treats you this way. He knows how much you love him and he has learned that you won't set any boundaries. I have a super tough time with setting boundaries. It can make my heart race, esp if the other person gets angry. But the more I ahve done it,t he better at it I get. And the less it bothers me to not put up with bad behavior from others. I don't know if you have ever gone to al-anon. It can be a BIG help with this. No matter what your son was addicted to, Al-Anon is a way to learn to interact with him in a much healthier way. And to treat yourself better also. It really was a big help for me. Oh, as far as him correcting you constantly, I would simply stop speaking at that point. I might tell him that I am an adult and will use any word I DAM well please, and he will keep himself from correcting me or he could walk back to the treatment facility he lives in. If I thought I could do it calmly. My brother did this to my mother for quite a while. He also would talk louder and louder until he thought she finally agreed with him. Even telling him it was disrespectful and to stop it didn't get through. Then she started to get up and walk away from wherever he was every single time he either corrected some little thing that wasn't a mistake or he started to repeat himself louder and louder if she didn't agree with him. I laughed at him SO HARD the night he called to tell me that I needed to help him commit our mother because she would just walk away in the middle of the conversation when they were talking. It was the funniest thing I ever heard of - and I am not lacking in comedy in my life! I told him that she was walking away because he was either correcting her on something that wasn't incorrect, or he was doing the repeating thing. He assured me it just couldn't be that, it HAD to be Alzheimers. This was over a decade ago, and while he backslides now and then, he hasn't tried to even bring up committing our parents since. He knows better. Setting boundaries when they have been so eroded is not easy. Just remember that if you EVER give in, it will be three times as hard to keep a boundary the next time. And that it is for his own good, because it really is. Parenting is NEVER easy, no matter how old your kids are! [/QUOTE]
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