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I haven't posted here since 2014
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 752136" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>It is SOO very hard when they are almost adults and they know everything. It is hard to step back and let them fail or succeed on their own. Refusing to accept the blame, when they want to continue to blame us for decades more, is hard. It also mostly the right thing to do. As is expecting them to become fully functioning members of society. You cannot make him happy. The only person to do that for him is his very own self. You can refuse to support negative behaviors and to only allow responsibility or the choice of failure.</p><p></p><p>How my parents handled my brother without help from a forum like this, I have NO idea. But they did. I won't say he is a fully functioning member of society. I can't say they are happy with him either. I CAN say that I am no longer in the middle and wanted by none and blamed by all. That is how it was when my bro was 17.</p><p></p><p>With what I learned from here about NOT taking on responsibility for Wiz' actions, I was able to step WAY back from his behavior. He had to get a job. He liked most things about his job. So he kept it. And sort of without planning it, became a real adult. </p><p></p><p>Somehow I ended up with 3 responsible, loving adult children. Who don't have real fights. Well, now and again they have a popcorn fight, but that is different. Esp when I refuse to clean it up, lol. By now they just automatically clean it up! </p><p></p><p>If he does not have a job, or he skips it a lot, make sure he HAS to pay for some bills. Don't rescue him for 1-2 years when he falls down on these responsibilities. They are HIS to fix or succeed. The end results, if you stay out of it, will tell you a lot about what HE is CHOOSING. Adjust your behavior to allow him to fail. It sounds mean, but learning about the cold, cruel world out there without too much of a safety net, is really all you can do. If he refuses to become an adult, and you refuse to bail him out, he has to figure out something. Let him know you believe in him AND his ability to make it work on his own. </p><p></p><p>I am not saying to totally throw him out of the nest. Just step back a few steps and think about what you want and how to get there. Mostly that does not involve too much support and security, or too much of anything on your part. </p><p></p><p>I still swear by the Love and Logic books. They are just extremely helpful, or they were for me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 752136, member: 1233"] It is SOO very hard when they are almost adults and they know everything. It is hard to step back and let them fail or succeed on their own. Refusing to accept the blame, when they want to continue to blame us for decades more, is hard. It also mostly the right thing to do. As is expecting them to become fully functioning members of society. You cannot make him happy. The only person to do that for him is his very own self. You can refuse to support negative behaviors and to only allow responsibility or the choice of failure. How my parents handled my brother without help from a forum like this, I have NO idea. But they did. I won't say he is a fully functioning member of society. I can't say they are happy with him either. I CAN say that I am no longer in the middle and wanted by none and blamed by all. That is how it was when my bro was 17. With what I learned from here about NOT taking on responsibility for Wiz' actions, I was able to step WAY back from his behavior. He had to get a job. He liked most things about his job. So he kept it. And sort of without planning it, became a real adult. Somehow I ended up with 3 responsible, loving adult children. Who don't have real fights. Well, now and again they have a popcorn fight, but that is different. Esp when I refuse to clean it up, lol. By now they just automatically clean it up! If he does not have a job, or he skips it a lot, make sure he HAS to pay for some bills. Don't rescue him for 1-2 years when he falls down on these responsibilities. They are HIS to fix or succeed. The end results, if you stay out of it, will tell you a lot about what HE is CHOOSING. Adjust your behavior to allow him to fail. It sounds mean, but learning about the cold, cruel world out there without too much of a safety net, is really all you can do. If he refuses to become an adult, and you refuse to bail him out, he has to figure out something. Let him know you believe in him AND his ability to make it work on his own. I am not saying to totally throw him out of the nest. Just step back a few steps and think about what you want and how to get there. Mostly that does not involve too much support and security, or too much of anything on your part. I still swear by the Love and Logic books. They are just extremely helpful, or they were for me. [/QUOTE]
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