When my son was actively addicted, his personality changed, too. I hid from that for the longest time. It helped me very much to learn, from reading here, that these kinds of behavior changes are part of what happens when we find ourselves addicted. I am so grateful for this site, and for the support I found here.
I read recently that addiction has to do with the depletion of dopamine. When we use mind-altering substances, the high actually comes from the increased concentration of dopamine, a chemical neurotransmitter our own bodies manufacture. This is what accounts for the good, good feelings that happen when we first begin using any addictive substance. (This is a simplified version of what I read.) Because our survival is at stake when the chemicals in our brains are altered ~ we don't feel as anxious, we don't worry about predators and such, we believe ourselves more capable than we are, that kind of thing ~ the brain not only does not make as much dopamine, but shuts down a number of our dopamine receptors in an effort to come back into balance.
That is what creates the addiction.
Over time, as the brain shuts down more dopamine receptors, those addicted can develop anhedonia, which is the inability to feel pleasure.
So, when those we love are using any kind of addictive substance, they really are not themselves. It helped me to know this. It helped me to detach from my own emotions about what was happening to all of us because of the addiction. Because I knew this information, I was able to give myself permission to work on feeling less guilty or responsible or ashamed of myself at what was happening to my child, and to all of us.
Your son does love you, Tanya. He loves himself too, as best he is able. But when the kids are operating from altered brain chemistries, they can't make good sense of what is happening to them. I think their anger at us has to do with their disappointment in themselves. How awful it must be, for them.
So...how do we maintain a steady emotional state, or an acceptable level of self regard, when our children are in such trouble?
That was the question, for me. I could not, as it turned out, undo what had happened to my son. Not that I didn't try. It was crazy, the amount of trying I did. In the end, even I came to that place where I didn't have anything more to try.
Huh.
So, I supposed the next best thing would be to become as healthy as I knew to be. So that if he did come back (and he did ~ he is, now, coming back nicely, I think) then...I would still love him. And would still love myself too, and not be all bound up in resentment and shame and etc.
Or bitterness, for what was lost.
Knowing about that dopamine connection helps me very much. I don't know whether it was guilt or shame or what, but part of the hurt for me in what happened to my son is that he felt like a stranger to me. Like some person who resembled my son, but wasn't anything like my son. That I loved. There was no way to grieve what I'd lost, because that grown man who looked like my real son was always showing up demanding money and cars and etc.
And telling me what a crummy mother and grandmother I was.
He did not post those things publicly on Facebook. But he did post some really crummy things to me in private.
It hurt me very much.
I am sorry that happened to you, Tanya.
My daughter once posted a link to a site for Daughters of Narcissistic mothers to my Facebook page.
Ahem.
Cedar
