I need encouragement to do the right thing...

[lovemysons]

AG,
Some off the top of my head are:

1) Asking for money within 3 days of a GREAT paycheck
2) Giving wife phone and then taking it back because it still has mins on it and his other phone is gone.
3) Trying to get wife to give him "food card" (meant for the grandchildren's provisions).
4) Telling us "This is my body, I am grown and can put what ever substances I want in it"
5) Stealing
6) Lying about how much money he has "saved"
7) Borrowing money from his wife (tax refund) and not paying her back but instead telling her to get "a real job".

I know there's more but can't think of it at moment.
Mostly what angers me is the taking away from his children to buy drugs.

OH ya, then in the past, before prison, there was the plan to get back surgery to stay on pain medications. Can you imagine almost letting doctors cut into your back, potentially disabling you for life, so that you can keep using pain medications? Crazy!

There was a picture I saw taken of young difficult child with his wife and new baby (the first time he ever saw his 3rd baby since she was born while he was in prison). He is holding her...adoring. Promising to make a better life for them all.
But that is not what has ultimately taken place...it's very sad.

husband and I spoke to young difficult child a week or two ago and told him to focus on his children...to look into their faces and remember they need a father to look up to and one that puts them first, provides for them, listens to them, plays with them. We told him that arguing about who is right or wrong between he and wife is NOT the point...it is his children. I also told him enough of the BS. Enough with depression, anxiety, etc. If he won't get help with these things then none of us should be feeling sorry for him. And honestly, I think the only reason he won't use a mood stabilizer again is because of possible weight gain. I think my Abilify could make a world difference for Young difficult child if he is ever hospitalised again. I may make it a requirement that I be allowed to discuss things with Dr. should he end up hospitalised after we send him packing next Friday.
Mental illness and addiction are a rough combination...but there is still NO EXCUSE.


Thank you all for your strength and encouraging support.
Love,
LMS

 

[svengandhi]

LMS -

My thoughts are with you. You are doing the right thing. If my mother in law had had the courage you and husband have, she would not be pushing 90 with her almost 60 year old daughter still living in her house and stealing her pain medications to feed her addiction. Your son is young enough to have a full, good life if he gets the push to do it. I hope this is the push he needs.

 

[lovemysons]

Sven,
Thank you.

I woke up this morning feeling "happy" that it's Friday...greeted with a kiss goodbye from my husband who reminded me that we are now married 27 yrs and one day (we celebrated our Anniversary yesterday). Then that happy feeling I had began to disappear as I remembered that today is the day we tell Young difficult child it is time to move on...

A few days ago my daughter in law called me. She was asking what they "call it in the newspapers when someone dies". I said, You mean "Obituary"? She said, "Yes, that's it".
Earlier that day she had gone to her childhood neighborhood with the grandkids and ran into a mom of a boy she used to know. She said this boy had everything going for him: Good looks, smart, charming, etc.
Sadly, he was a "bad alcoholic" as his mother went onto to tell daughter in law. He took his life last October by jumping off a high rise Apt building in Dallas after having a fight with his girlfriend. daughter in law couldn't believe it. Apparently, this young man was an only child. daughter in law went on to tell the mom about Young difficult child and his Alcoholism and addiction to pain medications. The mom told daughter in law "Do not give him anything that he does not work for". daughter in law wasn't sure what this meant but didn't ask for the mom to explain.

I told daughter in law that it sounded to me like the mom "thought" she had not done enough empowering with her son. That perhaps she felt like he had a sense of entitlement and that maybe she felt responsible in some way.
It's so very sad. I think about all the ways that I too, have tried to "give" young difficult child a way out of his disease...and yet all it seems to have done is nurture the problem.

I know that while my son's were growing up, I often tried to make life "easier" on them. Their homework often became mine too: book reports, science fair projects, etc. And their problems... I would try to give them the most well thought solution I could come up with...How wrong I was as I look back.

In hindsight, I wish I had made my son's "think for themselves". I wish I had not crippled them so much. I wish I had let them fall more than once and just encouraged them to get up again and keep trying. But instead, I was a mom who thought it my job to be "johnny on the spot" with every problem.

And addiction...I can't solve this problem for my son, Young difficult child. This is a battle he must struggle with on his own.
Like I reminded daughter in law, this goes beyond culture, socio economic background, does not get better by throwing any amounts money or even fame at it.

As a child, I often took young difficult child "under my wing". He was my special project.
See...Oldest difficult child is the extrovert, the charmer, the "winner" (he was husband's quarterback for 5 yrs that husband coached football), He had "gifts" that aligned well with husband.
Then there was easy child. Sweet, adorable, easy child...she was so quiet and unassuming as a child. Never causing any problems.

Young difficult child...He is an introvert. He is a "thinker" not a doer. He loves the weather, philosophy, debates. He played football on husband's team for 2 yrs...but was not a "star" like oldest difficult child. I then got him into baseball, soccer, and even private art lessens...he was always VERY creative.

By 3rd grade I got young difficult child a Mentor at school. Young difficult child was so lonely, I felt. I gave him extra back rubs at night and visited about his day, his thoughts, what he thought about his future, etc.
And on Saturday mornings, Young difficult child and I would build the most fantastic Lego creations together...sigh, of course when he would get mad about something a few days later, he would grab one of our "masterpieces" and throw it down. Never could understand why he would destroy something that would take so much time energy and even "love" to build....and yet, isn't he still doing this today?

And...when oldest difficult child went to prison while using Meth and stealing from husband, it was Young difficult child's decision to join the Army when he found out his wife was pregnant. He was "trying" to step up and do the right thing. Trying to be different than his brother.
See, when the two of them were sent to drug rehab around age 13/14, drug rehab let us know that Young difficult child and Oldest difficult child had a very "co-dependent" relationship. They were trying to get young difficult child to think for himself. They even went so far as to put "Puppet strings" on young difficult child's arms to remind him of the hold his brother had on him.

Well now Oldest difficult child is doing very well in life. Far from the dark days of Meth, Thank goodness. Oldest difficult child is married to an older woman, expecting his 3rd baby girl early September, owns his own home that they had built, and now is a partner in his own business. He is an extremely hard worker.

So part of me worries and wonders...What will Young difficult child do this time to set himself "apart from his brother"?
I don't know. I pray he will get the help he needs one day as when he was around 14/15 he got dxd with Bipolar Disorder, like me.

He is an emotional young man. He has not talked of suicide though in quite some time. Maybe he is done with that kind of thinking, I pray.

I don't know what to expect next.
But yes, tonight is the night young difficult child will begin his "new life" outside of our provisions.
I have my concerns.

Please say just alittle prayer that young difficult child will survive and get the help he needs someday. I wish, so much, that he would put his family before drugs and alcohol.

Thank you all for listening to me and for caring,
Love,
LMS

 

[DammitJanet]

Hugs...this is so incredibly hard. I thought it was hard to send them places as teens but that is easy peasy compared to what you are doing. The thought that they are not being looked after is incredibly hard. Always knew placements would keep them safe. Now there is no net unless specific things are said. they know it but we cant do it for them anymore.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you Skotti,

You're right...we can't do it for them anymore.

I am reading my old Al Anon material and have come across some helpful words to remember...
"God will not take me to it if He cannot bring me through it".

And on page 160 of my "Today a Better Way" book, it reads...

"Miracles"
When I walked into my first FA meeting, it was to find out how I could change my son and stop his destructive behavior. After I attended meetings for awhile and the the FA program into action, my son did make changes in his life, not because I changed him, but perhaps because I changed myself.

A "Miracle" happend when I got out of the way and let my son take responsibility for his own actions. I worked my program for myself, instead of concentrating all my time and energy on what someone else was doing or not doing. I realized that I had blocked the way for my son's Higher Power to reach him because I'd always been "on the job".

It doesn't happen overnight, but by attending FA meetings regularly, calling other members on the phone, and reading the FA literature, letting go does become easier, little by little, one day at a time.

Today I will...Let go and watch a Miracle happen."

I am trying to remember that "Someone" else is involved in this whole matter. I need to get out of the way and let "Him" do His job.

Young difficult child told me yesterday that he got a room at an extended stay motel for this next week. He also told me, "Now I can get as F'd up as I want to."
I hung up on him. He texted me back and said, "It was just a joke".
I know he is trying to get a reaction out of me...and right now I feel it my job to stay strong and matter o fact.

I had husband get some boxes out of storage for Young difficult child last night...but they are still sitting at bottom of stairs.


I hope and pray my young difficult child will fight for his life one of these days.
I am tired of proping him up...I am tired of wanting sobriety for him more than he does.

Living the "Let go" part is not easy but I know I must be doing the right thing...You all have reinforced that to me and I thank you.

Love,
LMS

 

[Kathy813]

You know that you did the right thing although you will have some sleepness nights. The good thing is that your difficult child does have a job and the means to pay for his own needs.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[DDD]

Tammy I'm thinking of you, too. Based on your updates I think difficult child is going to throw together "some" of his things, say "later", and drive off to the motel. It sure sounds like the "crisis" mode is not going to kick in immediately. He wants to appear like a self-confident man moving on to the next step. No tears. No anger expressed. If I were a gambler that's where I'd put my money.

Of course, in a few days or maybe weeks it is going to hit the fan. Try not to live each day "waiting" for it to hit. Try to enjoy each day of peace you have with husband and easy child. It will build up some reserve strength for when the sad drama comes about. Truthfully I'm still hoping that he can make the changes needed...ideally, sooner than later. Hugs DDD

 

[Signorina]

Hi sweetie.Doing the right thing hurts a lot sometimes. It goes against every mother instinct bone in our body to let and even want them to fall hard. It's impossible to accept that we cannot get thru to them.

The night I found this forum, I also found this essay. http://lighthousenetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Kids'-Bad-Decisions-Do-Not-Mean-We-Are-Bad-Parents.pdf

I had part of it as my signature and my own personal manta for a while: 'Each I day I wake feeling an urgent need to do something and then I realize there's nothing I can do. The emptiness just has to be.' I had to let go of thinking I could or I should fix my son. I still struggle with it.

XOXO

 

[Mrs.McNear51]

Tammy-

Sending lots of love and hugs to you. The most difficult decision I ever made was to have no contact with Sweet Betsy. It was only after her entire family quite rescuing & enabling, that she hit the bottom. It took almost 2 years for her to miss the love of her family, to finally overcome. Life is not perfect, she is sober, but still dealing with the mental health issues, that she drowned in alcohol and drugs. Now she is facing the real issues, doing hard work, but making each day count.

I pray for you all daily. Hopefully, young difficult child, will realize how very much he is loved, and fight for his life. Hang in there my sweet friend.

Julie