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Failure to Thrive
I need some advice
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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 760092" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>My heartfelt condolences to you. I noticed in your post that you focus on your son primarily. (LOL.. I'm preaching to the choir but posting also helps me sort through my own issues). You just lost your husband of 40yrs. and yet you are concerned about how your son will handle this. What about YOU?! You too are grieving the loss of your husband of 40yrs. and now have to deal with the heavy burden of sorting your sons life out. That is huge and you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.</p><p></p><p>I have to say that I personally don't feel that allowing your son back home will solve anything. What it does is it relieves, temporarily your hurt and pain. Looking back at my own experiences you are only prolonging the inevidible and he will be out of your house again in short time due to his inability to hold up to the conditions you put in place. But I don't blame you because most of us have been through this swinging door scenario until "we" finally have had enough.</p><p></p><p>Both of my sons who are now almost 28 and 32 were homeless, lived in their cars etc. It doesn't mean I didn't do everything in my power to make things better and financially drain myself but the unfortunate thing is 4 yrs. later - there's not a lot of change. My youngest son did make great strides for a while and held a job for close to 8 months. He has secured an apartment with friends but hasn't worked since December and all his stimulus money has run dry. The older son was working but recently suffered I think a psychotic episode and is stuck in fear, depression, paranoia and quit his job. He won't even stay in his apt. that he has until the end of this month because he thinks the roommates have it out for him. He's been coming by my home daily and although I think he's sincere, I can't help feel that his "nicesties" towards me are manipulative and that he's sizing up my living room couch as his next stop. My gut is screaming to me to put an end to these daily visits (although most would appreciate it), I know that it is not for my benefit. He has very little stimulus money left and the financial burden is going to be hitting me like a boulder any minute. </p><p></p><p>I know I can't "save" him. I can pray for him and my other son, which I do constantly but they have to be the change. It's hard to accept that when they have mental issues because I ask myself, how can they if they don't accept help from professionals? I still don't have all the answers but what I do know is that my home has been my safe haven, my quiet place, my boundary against their insanity and irresponsible behaviors. I want that back again and I need to find that balance again with the older son who is trying to "push" his way back into my home again. Again, I don't think that it's a conscious thing he's doing but rather to show me "he's changed" and that we could live together. I know I don't ever want either one of them living with me again for my own mental health and well being. It's just something I know now, as clear as a bell. I enjoy a weekly visit, text messages or calls but I don't need either of my two grown up sons living in my home ever again, as selfish as they may sound. I don't have much more than my peace and quiet and I intend to keep it.</p><p></p><p>I hope that since you posted several months ago that you are well and working on caring for yourself and that you have your own support helping you through the loss of your husband.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 760092, member: 23405"] My heartfelt condolences to you. I noticed in your post that you focus on your son primarily. (LOL.. I'm preaching to the choir but posting also helps me sort through my own issues). You just lost your husband of 40yrs. and yet you are concerned about how your son will handle this. What about YOU?! You too are grieving the loss of your husband of 40yrs. and now have to deal with the heavy burden of sorting your sons life out. That is huge and you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. I have to say that I personally don't feel that allowing your son back home will solve anything. What it does is it relieves, temporarily your hurt and pain. Looking back at my own experiences you are only prolonging the inevidible and he will be out of your house again in short time due to his inability to hold up to the conditions you put in place. But I don't blame you because most of us have been through this swinging door scenario until "we" finally have had enough. Both of my sons who are now almost 28 and 32 were homeless, lived in their cars etc. It doesn't mean I didn't do everything in my power to make things better and financially drain myself but the unfortunate thing is 4 yrs. later - there's not a lot of change. My youngest son did make great strides for a while and held a job for close to 8 months. He has secured an apartment with friends but hasn't worked since December and all his stimulus money has run dry. The older son was working but recently suffered I think a psychotic episode and is stuck in fear, depression, paranoia and quit his job. He won't even stay in his apt. that he has until the end of this month because he thinks the roommates have it out for him. He's been coming by my home daily and although I think he's sincere, I can't help feel that his "nicesties" towards me are manipulative and that he's sizing up my living room couch as his next stop. My gut is screaming to me to put an end to these daily visits (although most would appreciate it), I know that it is not for my benefit. He has very little stimulus money left and the financial burden is going to be hitting me like a boulder any minute. I know I can't "save" him. I can pray for him and my other son, which I do constantly but they have to be the change. It's hard to accept that when they have mental issues because I ask myself, how can they if they don't accept help from professionals? I still don't have all the answers but what I do know is that my home has been my safe haven, my quiet place, my boundary against their insanity and irresponsible behaviors. I want that back again and I need to find that balance again with the older son who is trying to "push" his way back into my home again. Again, I don't think that it's a conscious thing he's doing but rather to show me "he's changed" and that we could live together. I know I don't ever want either one of them living with me again for my own mental health and well being. It's just something I know now, as clear as a bell. I enjoy a weekly visit, text messages or calls but I don't need either of my two grown up sons living in my home ever again, as selfish as they may sound. I don't have much more than my peace and quiet and I intend to keep it. I hope that since you posted several months ago that you are well and working on caring for yourself and that you have your own support helping you through the loss of your husband. [/QUOTE]
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