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Failure to Thrive
I need some advice
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 760951" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This top quote is from a ways back. I want to challenge it. I see letting somebody have responsibility for their own life, and the space for coming to terms with it, as a gift, as deeply respectful, as the highest spiritual mandate. The bible says right up front--go out into the world, pick a mate, and build a family (in so many words). What this means is: leave your parents and deal with your own life and deal with your own problems and comes to grips with things. Our kids are not the first young people who've faced barriers and hurdles. This is the human condition.</p><p></p><p>Your hope for him is yours to have. Hope is an attitude, an outlook, a way of life. It's not "do this for me, or I'll die." Hope is not a transaction. (As in, the only way to have hope is to do everything he wants. You are not giving up on him, by allowing him to face the consequences of his actions and his choices. On the contrary. It is the highest essence of hope to believe in somebody and in life, enough, to believe the right thing can happen, that a person has it in them, the capacity to reach higher.</p><p></p><p>Hope is not tit for tat. Hope is our right to feel, to have, to hold. I can hold hope for my child whether or not he feels it for himself. It's unconditional and non-contingent. Hope is not barter. Hope is not a guilt trip. Hope is not having control over another person. It's not like a slot machine. Hope is a prayer. We can pray for our children. It doesn't mean we have to surrender our lives and souls. And it does not mean we have to do it all, or sacrifice our well-being.</p><p></p><p>Now I find this infuriating. This is a choice. This is his choice. He chose to not go to rehab. It is really disordered thinking that is probably related to his desire to drink, and maybe to a lesser extent, depression. He is preferring to drown himself in drink and self-pity to facing reality and changing. But, at the end of the day, he's responsible. Not you.</p><p></p><p>Why? Because it's his life and only he can deal with his life. You can't. I can't deal with my own son''s life. I've tried and tried and tried and tried. It.does.not.work.</p><p></p><p>But you didn't cause this. You're not responsible to fix it. Because you can't fix it. He must. My son must.. Every.single.day thousands and thousands of people go to AA and they put into motion a process by which they change their disordered thinking and behavior.</p><p></p><p>I hope I don't sound harsh. I don't mean to be. The thing is, the problem is a lot about us. We need to let go.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 760951, member: 18958"] This top quote is from a ways back. I want to challenge it. I see letting somebody have responsibility for their own life, and the space for coming to terms with it, as a gift, as deeply respectful, as the highest spiritual mandate. The bible says right up front--go out into the world, pick a mate, and build a family (in so many words). What this means is: leave your parents and deal with your own life and deal with your own problems and comes to grips with things. Our kids are not the first young people who've faced barriers and hurdles. This is the human condition. Your hope for him is yours to have. Hope is an attitude, an outlook, a way of life. It's not "do this for me, or I'll die." Hope is not a transaction. (As in, the only way to have hope is to do everything he wants. You are not giving up on him, by allowing him to face the consequences of his actions and his choices. On the contrary. It is the highest essence of hope to believe in somebody and in life, enough, to believe the right thing can happen, that a person has it in them, the capacity to reach higher. Hope is not tit for tat. Hope is our right to feel, to have, to hold. I can hold hope for my child whether or not he feels it for himself. It's unconditional and non-contingent. Hope is not barter. Hope is not a guilt trip. Hope is not having control over another person. It's not like a slot machine. Hope is a prayer. We can pray for our children. It doesn't mean we have to surrender our lives and souls. And it does not mean we have to do it all, or sacrifice our well-being. Now I find this infuriating. This is a choice. This is his choice. He chose to not go to rehab. It is really disordered thinking that is probably related to his desire to drink, and maybe to a lesser extent, depression. He is preferring to drown himself in drink and self-pity to facing reality and changing. But, at the end of the day, he's responsible. Not you. Why? Because it's his life and only he can deal with his life. You can't. I can't deal with my own son''s life. I've tried and tried and tried and tried. It.does.not.work. But you didn't cause this. You're not responsible to fix it. Because you can't fix it. He must. My son must.. Every.single.day thousands and thousands of people go to AA and they put into motion a process by which they change their disordered thinking and behavior. I hope I don't sound harsh. I don't mean to be. The thing is, the problem is a lot about us. We need to let go. [/QUOTE]
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