Yogi, your post was so interesting to me. Just yesterday, during our NarAnon meeting, we were talking about "why does he/she do it?"
All of is who shared about that said, not verbatim, "I used to obsess about why too...yet I learned that it doesn't matter why. It happened. It is."
My Nar Anon share about the topic was "I will never know why. I don't think Kay even knows. So why it happened has lost all meaning to me. It is what it is. That's all."
Addiction is a disease. If somebody is genetically predisposed to addiction, then he or she will become addicted if he/she tries anything from beer to pot. The disease is a physical and psychological and spiritual one and it affects every part of ther lives. But it is NOT about us. We overrate our part in this illness. And we sometimes think that their unwillingness to get help is a personal affront to us. Again, it is not about us. In Nar Anon we say "I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it and I can't CURE it." We call that the three Cs.
There is nothing to be gained by trying to figure out what you will never know. I practice acceptance in all my affairs now and keep my mind quiet. I don't have to like what is, but I accept reality. It's easy for me to do that these days since I have learned so many great tools. Things I used to do, like sticking my nose in my daughter's life all the time, excusing abuse, feeling guilty when my daughter manipulated me...that person does not exist anymore. She is gone.It took therapy and my program, but my entire life seems to be....serene. Like our adult kids, we are sick from their disease and we either get serious help for ourselves or we will stay sick too. Sick, miserable, and living our child's life...with no identity of our own. I was there. I worked hard to get to where I am. It was worth it.
You know how impossible you (I mean a generic you) think it is to let go of your child's chaos? How hard you all feel it is to let go? Well, that is how our addicted kids feel about living life without drugs. So often the whole family resists help for our problems, including us. We in my humble opinion are much healthier if we stop our addiction to thinking about and worrying about our addict 24/7. They can do better only if they try very very hard. Same with us. We can do better too but we have to work hard and seek help.
I don't know if this helped. I am passionate about all this and maybe I rambled. Sorry if I did.
Sending hugs and love. "We can only change one person...our own self."
