I still haven't seen my ex-easy child grown son

[BusynMember]

't seen or heard from ex-easy child grown son
MidwestMom MidwestMom Online
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Registered: 06/27/04
Posts: 4935
Loc: Wisconsin
Most of you probably know that since the son I adopted from Hong Kong at age six (now almost thirty) met a wonderful (sarcasm noted) Chinese woman two years ago and hasn't had anything to do with our family since then. He has also found a very wacky form of extreme fundamentalism. This means the Bible is LITERAL. Of course, since the Bible ISN'T literal, it's HIS interpretation of what "literal" means, and I do believe that his beliefs are that your "family" are those who believe the way you do. I can't and never will believe his way, and, for the sake of hub and my four other kids AND my grandchild-to-be (YES, I'M GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!!!), I can't fake something I just don't feel. I'm not particularly religious--I'm a regular Christian who doesn't always go to church and doesn't follow everything the Bible says and I'm sure my son thinks I'm a walking heathen. But I really don't know for sure if that's why he dumped all of us, or if it's his wife (I can't help it--I barely know her, but did you ever meet somebody who smiled at your, but gave off vibes of pure evil?)
The first time i met her, my daughter pulled me to a corner and said, "Mom, I think she's a witch." My daughter was serious. The strange thing is, I had the same eerie vibe from her, yet she's a fundamentalist Christian andl, trust me, a big reason my son becamse that (ahem) devout. So whether she or the religion is doing this (or both) we have no idea because he never told us and, when confronted, talks in circles and never comes to the point. We've quit contacting him because he clearly will not recipricate nor does he want us in his life. His autistic brother will be fourteen on Aug. 23 and his own birthday is Aug. 30th. I go to visit my grown kids around that time of year in, what used to be, a joint birthday celebration for the two kids, but my grown kid never comes anymore. The only acknowledgement I get for the gifts I send is a note from his wife, addressed to me by my first name, and signed Scott and Karen (no love). Scott never writes. She does. Sometimes she inserts messages like "Thank you for such a wonderful son." I may be cynical, but I get the weird sense that she is gloating when she says that. She knows he hasn't contacted us. Why would she write that? At any rate, I don't even expect my autistic son to get a card from them this year.
I'm moving on, but this son used to be the best person--a shining star in my life. However, my other son and his wife are expecting MY FIRST GRANDCHILD!!!! and my other kids are doing well, and I guess I should count my blessings. There will always be a void, and I don't believe there is anything I can do to breech the gap between me and my other son. I've tried it all--anything you can suggest, trust me, I've tried.
Just a vent, I guess. Thanks for reading it.
_________________________
Me, over 21, lifelong mood/neurological problems, doing great
Tom, hub of 10 years
Mark, 29, easy child, anxiety disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)-Lamictal and Xanax SR
Julie, 23, former difficult child/drug abuser, clean now for four years, adopted from Korea, my best friend
Lucas 14, adopted at two, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified
Nicole, 11, easy child adopted at birth, sweet, social, loving, some Learning Disability (LD)'s
Scott, 30, adopted from Hong Kong at age 6/doesn't want family contact right now--nobody knows why. Attachment problems?

 

[dreamer]

just hugs, no advice. I think I wrote you maybe a PM quite awhile back..I had similar experience is this area of state with a cousin and a brother in law. it spooks me.

 

[totoro]

Congratulations MWM on the Grandma news!!! How exciting... I think you are pretty clear on the whole situation, as far as Scott. It sounds like you are very intuitive and having known him most/almost all of his life, you could make a pretty good guess as to what he is doing.
Unfortunately it can still hurt even if we try to be logical about it all. Even when my mother in law was being a major pain, I could have never imagined taking her son or grandkids away form her. That is not my place, even though I could. But why?
Women can be very evil, in the name of what they call good... it all sounds pretty creepy. One of my Aunts stayed with her Reverened Husband's after he was caught touching her daughter's, he had her brainwashed it seems. The daughter's had to go.

I am sorry, but you are obviously a very strong woman and a wonderful Mom. There is only so much one can do, as you know.

 

[Hound dog]

I'm sorry. Sounds like easy child's wife is a master manipulator and has a firm grip on him. (I am a big believer in trusting in your gut feelings)

Not a whole lot you can do til he comes to his senses. This could take some time, or he might never. I have a feeling he might eventually come 'round. I mean, devout (obsessive type) religious practices usually wane after a period of time, even if it doesn't completely go away. (which also sometimes happens) Speaking from experience here as my own Mom is that way. And believe me....She is the Queen of Manipulators to anyone she has ever been able to sink her fangs in to. Since easy child is actually a easy child and not a difficult child, I'd say you stand a pretty good chance of his growing aware of wife's manipulation ect.

I'm wondering if this isn't something similar an adoptive child going in search of their bio parents.

I know it has got to break your Mommy heart though. :frown:

On a brighter note.... Congratulations on becoming a Grandma!!! :smile:

((((hugs))))

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks, all. My gut tells me it's the wife combined with his eerie religion. I hope I don't sound anti-Christian. I'm one myself. I don't even consider my son and his wife a Christian though--I have never been to a church that almost has a cultlike mentality. I don't believe his church does either--I think HE and his FRIENDS and, most importantly, his WIFE does. But they see her side of the family all the time. My son has come to identify strongly with his Chinese heritage--he doesn't even eat American food. It's very strange. Although he was always a very well-behaved, good kid, he was always strange. He was too adult, too intelligent, too responsible. He reads books about bettering himself--was self-help book obsessed for a while. THe book "Boundaries" which I curse to the skies is his real Bible. I did read the book and don't see how he got what he did out of it, but he took a class about this book and that's when everything changed. He told us he can't be close to us anymore, and claims the book explains that he needs to set extreme boundaries. Um, we don't even live in the same state as him. We saw him maybe five times a year, and I called him once a week. I don't believe we put a stranglehold on him and am not sure what he meant by this, but he never really explained. He said he wasn't the guy we thought he was, and that we didn't really know him, and maybe he's right. He certainly isn't acting like a nice guy now!!! And he is very glued to this wife--it's not even just that he loves her--it's hard to explain. He is unsure if they even want kids--I think he just needs her. (Note: I personally hope he has no kids because I know he believes in physical punishment as part of the Bible's teachings, and this bothers me A LOT. I never spanked him. EVER. Hehe...I feel like spanking him now). At any rate, I think maybe his wife, the extremity of his religious beliefs, and perhaps his own fatigue with being the "nice guy" all come into play. Plus he wasn't adopted until he was six so I don't think he bonded with us as much as the others did, or as much as we bonded with him.
On a more grim note, I think Scott wishes we were rich and brilliant, like him. He didn't really want to show his wife our humble house. I think it embarassed him. He is very materialistic. He himself has a huge home in an upscale NW Suburban Chicago suburb, makes a fortune, and has two cars (a Lexus SUV with all the bells and whistles) and an Intrepid. He paid cash. He claims he is a millionaire. I believe him. He's a computer genius. Unfortunately, his adoptive family (us) are just normal, blue-collar folks.
At any rate, the feedback makes me feel better. Thanks!

 

[Sunlight]

scott, is rich, has a wife, a huge home, is a computer genius, and is brilliant???

good job, mom.

what would he be without you in his life since he was 6?

I would count this a total success and smile when you think of him. then let go let God...the REAL God.

 

[WhymeMom?]

I think I would concentrate on your children who want your involvement....Speaking up for the wife I don't think I would go putting this on her....granted I don't know the whole situation, but if your son really wanted to be involved with you, he would. Her writing the thank you's/notes told me alot....she does acknowledge you and thinks about you. I still have a tough time writing Love on letters (and I have been married 32 years and adore my inlaws). I think all the blame for sad relations should fall on son, he just doesn't see the need right now to be close. Hoping he mellows with age and loosens up on the religious beliefs.....

Look forward to Grammahood!!!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks, guys.
Janet, I wish I could feel like I deserve credit, but, as Scott says, I wasn't there the first six years of his life so HE ALONE made himself who he is. He's done well financially because he is so bright. I may add, he never even went to college. He decided to start out four years ahead of everyone else, and now he's making more than his college grad buddies...(sigh). Yes, I know. I do try to cling to God as *I* know Him. It does help.

I don't think my daughter in law is being "nice." I think her letters are "sticking it" letters. They are always "To Pam" from Karen and Scott (with her name always first--a little thing that irks me). I don't blame her at all though. He doesn't HAVE to do what she wants. That's on him. I don't push anything. There is no point and I have four other kids, two significant others of those kids, one grandchild-to-be and a hub to worry about. But this does break my heart. I think what hurts the most is that he doesn't care how anyone feels. According to him, he is not responsible for how his behavior makes other people feel. He does what he feels is right for him and if somebody feels bad, we have to deal with it.

 

[witzend]

What a lout. I know that sounds awful, but that's one negative person. I'm sorry for your pain. {{{{{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[Sunlight]

oh even if he was already smart blah blah blah....how would a six yr old live without parents who provided the roof food and love?

give yourself some credit, woman!

 

[DDD]

I doubt it has much, if anything, to do with being adopted. It
is about deferring to your spouse to the extreme. Believe me, we
are familiar with that syndrome. Our family just pretends it is
"normal" for easy child to show up once or twice a year with his family.
We also pretend that we don't know that they come to this same
little city to visit his mother in law at least six to ten times a year.
Weird?? Yeah, but it is the painless way to cope. He is still
my easy child...even if his wife prefers to believe that no longer cares
for his family. Ugh! DDD

 

[witzend]

When I was still getting cards from my mom on holidays - still do on Xmas - my mom always signed them "Love, Dad and Mom". Why? I could get it if she signed them "Love, Mom and Dad", but he won't even stay in a public supermarket if I am there. Walked straight out without making his purchases as soon as he saw me. Why pretend that card came from him. Or is it that she dislikes me as much as he does but was upset when my daughter called her to task for not even sending me a lousy card at Christmas?

I know exactly how you feel about getting cards from your ungrateful daughter in law. It would be more comfortable if she sent nothing.