Those office course are good ideas. Move on thr best you can. But the trauma of sexual abuse will never go away without good therapy. This issue is too bivgfor us to do it ourselves. Therapists who understand this particular violation know how to help the child talk about it and cope with it and if not thoroughly addressed, it hangs in there's for life. It can even, and often is, forgotten by the conscuous memory only to come back in bits and pieces as night terrors, flashebacks and inability to form intimacy or even enjoy sex as adults. Yet the brain, as in dissasociative identity disorder, can fool and wothout clear memories they may forget who did it and think it was Dad. My kids don't remember the acts of this child ( he was 13 and he was six years older) but we keep the truth going although we rarely discuss it.
Sexual abuse often causes different degrees of disassociation. It is a tremdous betrayal and violation, moreso if it is family as it often is. Usually is.
My husband and I learned a lot from the psychologist who specialized in child sexual abuse.
This is a seriously scary behavior from a brother to his siblings and they usually threaten the victims to get them to comply and not tell on them. This boy had a knife, said he was the real devil and that he would burn the house down and kill us all if they said one word. They believed him. Did I mention he played with fire around them too?
If you want to see Oldest in crowded places, for yourself, do it but you dont need to tell the kids. And the kids have not been safe with him around and in my opinion need to finally feel safe from him.
There is never proof that an offender will stop. In the future, if embracing him is modeled and the kids see it, they may feel they must accept him. He may well harm a grandchild. It is likely he hurt kids on the street/vulnerable kids in school. Ours did. He also killed two of our animals and my daughter saw him trying to strangle a neighbor cat. He dropped the cat when my daughter showed up and screamed. But she was afraid to tell us.
When this boy was taken to a residential lockdown for young offenders he tried to offend again, even with all the help and people watching him.
I am not a psychologist and dont know if sex offenders of many family members can be helped. It was explained to us as a compulsion. They get pleasure sexually from it. Now I was also told that you can never be sure they wont do it again even if they get help and say the right thing. The reoffend rate is high.
At any time before the adoption was severed we could have reengaged with him but we made our own decision to let our younger two heal in peace.
Later on in residential the boy admitted he had been offending on younger kids since he was five. He himself has no memory of being abused but he was s foster child and in his case most likely he probably was. But that sad fact did not make him safe just like some killers had sad lives but that didnt make them safe in society. When the boy was asked why he did these things he said I dont know. When asked if he missed us he just said he wanted his toys.
I fear for his children. He was so good ay hiding what he did.
All this babble from me doesnt mesn that you should do what we did. But I do think very strongly that he needs to stay away from the other kids. The crime of sexual abuse is a severe violation of snother. I think only murder is worse.
Do get therapy for all. You and me are parents and we dont have a clue how to make it better, how much to talk about it (or not,) or how to react about it. The help we got made us able to deal with it yet move on in a healthy way. My two babies whom it happened to are doing great now. But it might not have gone that way. You and hub need help in order to process the shock and make informed decisions that work for you. This is one situation in my opinion nobody should guess how to deal with it alone. It will not just go away if you take them to Disney World.
I am curious about one thing. I believe from adopting several kids that nature trumps nurture. Was your Oldest childs biological father a shady, abusive guy? Do the other kids have a different father? I read that kids BORN TO criminal parents can and often do inherit the personality traits to have a higher chance of being a criminal too. It isnt always true. My youngest son is an angel and his birthmother had to relinquish five kids and was a bad drug addict and Sonic is very kind and loving/no drugs at 25. But I do believe that often that DNA shapes our kids, even in a loving home, more than we do.
Do your best to heal. Love and light! Hugs!!!
