Hello, fellow warriors. I'm hoping to tap into your collective wisdom. For a while now, I have been digesting the fact we have an ASPD son (who will be 20 years old in a couple of weeks). My husband and I (my husband came into my life when oldest was three and adopted him) thought it was just ADHD and drugs. However, our troubles with him began when he was about 12...and he began to fit the profile of someone with conduct disorder. As he grew, our problems with him grew, too. Drug abuse, lying, stealing from us - check. Sneaking out, hurting his younger siblings, feeling no remorse, bringing our family to the brink of disaster. Check, check, check. We went to countless doctors, psychotherapists, psychologists, tried medicines of all types...all to no avail. He ended up in another state with bio dad but then he stole bio dad's credit card and bought himself a one-way ticket to yet another state. After four months, he was incarcerated for corruption of minor charges and spent six months in jail. The detective we spoke to held our son in high contempt because of the egregious nature of our son's behavior. When our son was released, I flew to meet him and try to set him up for success. Silly me! I believed he had had a change of heart while in jail. When I was with him, I found out that no social service agencies would help him. Some were afraid of him. Some didn't want to deal with him because they had heard of him. Some both. I ended up taking him to the hospital for his threatened self-harm but this, too, was a game for him to get service agencies to help him. I found out that he had a confirmed diagnosis of ASPD while he was in jail...and the service providers that would talk to me confirmed that they believed him to have ASPD. At the hospital, I found out he had stolen over the counter drugs almost immediately upon release. I was devastated and flew home. I cannot help someone who doesn't want to help himself...and my heart shattered a bit more. Since that time, he seems to be sliding more and more into insanity or drug-induced psychosis. We communicate through the snapchat app (text not video) and occasional calls. He thinks he's the antichrist and that I am Athena. He thinks he just met his alien parents (60 year old make and 39 year old female) who have waited for him for the past 20 million years. He says he is finally free to live like he wants to live. I am having a hard time with all of this...and have contemplated completely severing ties with him. The psychologist we work with introduced the concept of "ambiguous grief" and how our family is rather stuck. Our son is toxic, no doubt about that. So our therapist suggested we do a small memorial for the son we've lost and so that our grief can be acknowledged and we can begin to heal. I haven't been able to bring myself to do that, especially as part of that would be to sever ties with my son. Then my youngest son dropped a bomb on me last night. My youngest is 13 and absolutely amazing. He let me know that my oldest sexually abused him when he was 9 and 10. My oldest beat him and threatened him into performing sexual acts on my oldest. My youngest said he was terrified of my oldest and so never said anything. My youngest also said he didn't realize he'd been abused until health class last year. That resonates as true because for the past year, he has had anxiety, which wasn't there before. We are filing a report with the police. We will try and see if there is any way for the state our oldest is currently residing to rescind his probation. We our taking our youngest to our therapist...and we are letting him know in no uncertain terms that we love him, that none of this was his fault, that there is no shame, and that he is strong and a survivor. We checked in with our daughter, who is a year younger than our oldest and his biological sister, to see if she had been likewise abused. She said never sexually but oldest would physically harm her...and she never said anything because she didn't want to add stress and drama to the family. Oh, my God! He hurt my two youngest children right under our nose!! I am so angry finally!! I had felt despair, defeated, hopeless and hopeful all at once, emotionally exhausted but never angry. How that has changed! I feel like it's time to let my oldest go and cut off ties with him. Our family needs to heal. My youngest needs to know that he is important and his needs and well-being are of value to his parents. And even so -- my husband and I worry that if we cut off ties, that our oldest will kill himself...or...if we cut off ties he will never turn himself around (if that's even possible, which as a true ASPD isn't) because his parents lost faith in him. My husband and I realize this is the guilt trap - but it feels so very real. I need you guys to tell me things will be okay. That we will find a new normal. That life will be more than shades of gray and black. Above all - as silly as it may seem - I'm looking for permission because I'm a chickensh*t with a massively broken heart who just can't seem to see clearly for the pain. Is it okay to sever ties with one's child? And what happens next?