I Walked Out
- Thread starter Janna
- Start date
mstang67chic
Going Green
So does anyone else want to start a flight fund for when we each have meetings so we can bring Marg up here to go with us??? :warrior:
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I can NOT believe the foster mother, then, again, sadly, I can. Having been one, and decided it's NOT for me, I've been at foster parent meetings where the foster parents sat around and spoke very self-righteously about their kid's families (they had no real knowledge of the families--I'd learned that we got such bad info about the kids that I'm guessing most that we heard about bio. parents was a load of crap). But it turned me off and hub and I stopped going to meetings. We didn't need to be preached to by people who thought they knew it all about their foster kids. The system is completely screwed up. This woman should never be allowed to address you that way. Of course you wanted to defend yourself. That's natural. I'm like you. I would have put my big foot in my mouth.
I don't think you'll have to deal with her for long. If she didn't want your kid three weeks ago, she'll change her mind about keeping him again. You have time to decide what you want to do. I am not an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) fan, but, in this case, I'd almost wish they'd put him in one. Going from foster to foster isn't stable. None of this is your fault. I would have walked out too, and probably burst into tears first. This woman may think she knows it all, but she doesn't know squat. Her attitude towards you is probably the way she acts towards everyone. I'm learning that people don't just pick me out to lash out at. If they're that type of person, they usually do it to everyone and don't have many fans. (((Hugs)))
I don't think you'll have to deal with her for long. If she didn't want your kid three weeks ago, she'll change her mind about keeping him again. You have time to decide what you want to do. I am not an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) fan, but, in this case, I'd almost wish they'd put him in one. Going from foster to foster isn't stable. None of this is your fault. I would have walked out too, and probably burst into tears first. This woman may think she knows it all, but she doesn't know squat. Her attitude towards you is probably the way she acts towards everyone. I'm learning that people don't just pick me out to lash out at. If they're that type of person, they usually do it to everyone and don't have many fans. (((Hugs)))
SearchingForRainbows
Active Member
I've never been in a situation like you're in so I'm probably the worst possible person to give you advice. For what its worth, I think you did the right thing by walking out.
I find it absolutely disgusting that a meeting can be scheduled without you knowing about it or at a time when you truly can't be there!!! With that being said, I agree with those that said you have to be early for the meetings.
I think Marg gave you excellent advice!!! I think you need a paper trail. I know this is very different, but years ago, I had to keep a paper trail when I had to fight to get difficult child 2 into a private preschool/kindergarten. Without it, it would have been almost impossible to get him the services he needed.
Your situation brought tears to my eyes. I know I haven't been around very long, but I know you are an excellent mother fighting for your child in an extremely difficult, hostile environment. I have so much respect for you!!! Sending hugs... WFEN
I find it absolutely disgusting that a meeting can be scheduled without you knowing about it or at a time when you truly can't be there!!! With that being said, I agree with those that said you have to be early for the meetings.
I think Marg gave you excellent advice!!! I think you need a paper trail. I know this is very different, but years ago, I had to keep a paper trail when I had to fight to get difficult child 2 into a private preschool/kindergarten. Without it, it would have been almost impossible to get him the services he needed.
Your situation brought tears to my eyes. I know I haven't been around very long, but I know you are an excellent mother fighting for your child in an extremely difficult, hostile environment. I have so much respect for you!!! Sending hugs... WFEN
needabreak
New Member
im so sorry with what you have to go through.hopefully something will be worked out.till then my prayers are with you.
Janna
New Member
Thank you everyone.
I truly appreciate all the kind words.
I am certainly not myself today. I re-read what I posted, and man, it's blotchy. I apologize.
I am very emotional, upset and distraught. Marg, your advice is, like always, some of the best. I will work on the letter tomorrow with my counsel.
He was there, he was trying to be supportive, he was trying to tell me to hush and settle down and let him handle it. BUT, I wouldn't shut up. I was so upset, angry, frustrated, I just let loose and ran. He came after me. He tried to stop me. I just didn't let him.
He's a great attorney. It's me, all me.
Janna
I truly appreciate all the kind words.
I am certainly not myself today. I re-read what I posted, and man, it's blotchy. I apologize.
I am very emotional, upset and distraught. Marg, your advice is, like always, some of the best. I will work on the letter tomorrow with my counsel.
He was there, he was trying to be supportive, he was trying to tell me to hush and settle down and let him handle it. BUT, I wouldn't shut up. I was so upset, angry, frustrated, I just let loose and ran. He came after me. He tried to stop me. I just didn't let him.
He's a great attorney. It's me, all me.
Janna
tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
Janna,
This will seem counter intuitive, but I really think you need to detach in the sense that you need to be able to think with your head rather than your heart. Your heart wants difficult child 2 home, but your head will get him there. {{{Hugs}}}
This will seem counter intuitive, but I really think you need to detach in the sense that you need to be able to think with your head rather than your heart. Your heart wants difficult child 2 home, but your head will get him there. {{{Hugs}}}
helpmehelphim
New Member
I'm sorry too Janna.
F
flutterbee
Guest
I'm sorry, too, Janna.
You've been on such an emotional roller coaster for so long. Don't be hard on yourself for becoming emotional. One can only take so much. Take a breath and regroup.
This is your child. Noone loves him like you do and noone ever will. Nothing they say or do can ever change that. Your son knows that. It's why he wants to come home. He may not act like it, he may not show it. But he knows.
It's been my experience that when people act in the manner the FM was acting it's because they are trying to deflect attention from themselves. It eventually comes back to them.
You've been on such an emotional roller coaster for so long. Don't be hard on yourself for becoming emotional. One can only take so much. Take a breath and regroup.
This is your child. Noone loves him like you do and noone ever will. Nothing they say or do can ever change that. Your son knows that. It's why he wants to come home. He may not act like it, he may not show it. But he knows.
It's been my experience that when people act in the manner the FM was acting it's because they are trying to deflect attention from themselves. It eventually comes back to them.
pepperidge
New Member
Janna,
Its so hard to keep one's cool when it is one's child and one's own self that is up for grabs. That's what lawyers and advocates are for.
I am sure that you will be able to harnesss all the energy and fight which you have in abundance in you to deal with these people and the system. I am sorry it is such a struggle.
Fortunately, it doesn't sound like it is the end of things.
hope you can get some sleep and regroup.
Chris
Its so hard to keep one's cool when it is one's child and one's own self that is up for grabs. That's what lawyers and advocates are for.
I am sure that you will be able to harnesss all the energy and fight which you have in abundance in you to deal with these people and the system. I am sorry it is such a struggle.
Fortunately, it doesn't sound like it is the end of things.
hope you can get some sleep and regroup.
Chris
SRL
Active Member
Janna, I've just had time to read over this whole thread. Again, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Most of us somewhere along the way have been in positions with out difficult children where we feel absolutely helpless to make anything happen, whether that is with difficult child themselves, the district, and others. It's a horrible feeling.
One thing I would add is that I think it's important for you to arrange for some backup help with after school care, transportation, etc. If your SO isn't flexible during that time you need to find someone such as a high school girl with a vehicle or a parent who lives nearby or a parent of a classmate who can take your PCs for you while you attend meetings before or after schools. It will give you some flexibility plus when you or you and SO have set aside everything else and are there first it conveys an attitude of this is more important than everything else right now.
Let us know how you're doing today--Hugs!
One thing I would add is that I think it's important for you to arrange for some backup help with after school care, transportation, etc. If your SO isn't flexible during that time you need to find someone such as a high school girl with a vehicle or a parent who lives nearby or a parent of a classmate who can take your PCs for you while you attend meetings before or after schools. It will give you some flexibility plus when you or you and SO have set aside everything else and are there first it conveys an attitude of this is more important than everything else right now.
Let us know how you're doing today--Hugs!
busywend
Well-Known Member
I am so sorry this happened. You must be so raw with emotion right now.
I think the worst part is that FM was saying these things in front of difficult child. And you are right, difficult child did and said nothnig to contradict her words. Would have been nice if he did. Perhaps he just made his own bed and will stay in Foster Care.
I don't know. It is just so tough to deal with it all.
I think the worst part is that FM was saying these things in front of difficult child. And you are right, difficult child did and said nothnig to contradict her words. Would have been nice if he did. Perhaps he just made his own bed and will stay in Foster Care.
I don't know. It is just so tough to deal with it all.
Marguerite
Active Member
Even if he had wanted to, I strongly suspect difficult child knows to keep his mouth shut when FM is ranting about Janna. You learn to get by, especially if you have learnt how to manipulate. If he HAD spoken up at the meeting (which, from his point of view, is only for the adults anyway - it's not as if they really are there to listen only to him; FM had the stage well and truly) then he probably would have had to deal with FM's anger either there or later. "Why didn't you support me?" I mean, how can he win, if he speaks up? It was only a few weeks ago she said she didn't want him.
I have heard a number of you who have also been FMs say that you didn't have accurate information. Janna, you've said yourself that you're fairly sure that past fosters have not had the true story. They certainly act like you're an abusive parent. If FM is behaving this way because of what she believes about you, then what she believes must be very interesting indeed. It would be based on what she has been told by CPS, as well as what she has worked out for herself on difficult child 2's behaviour and things he has said. And knowing the things he has said in the past - I think I can understand (not agree with, that's different) where she is coming from. If she really believes you were party to difficult child 2 being molested by SO (and others, maybe) and refused to take difficult child 2's part; maybe refused to let him be treated; refused to support him or get him help in other areas; and only want him home so you can get access to his funding (who knows what has been said?) then she is NOT going to be gently disposed towards you.
Of course she's wrong. But how do you convince her? With some people, they are capable of adapting their point of view when they learn the truth. Others never change their mind once it's made up.
Would it be possible for your lawyer to find out what FM thinks? Why she was so openly hostile? If he can correct her misconceptions, it might make the next meeting go a bit more smoothly. I don't know what you can do legally - things are different in the US. We have access to mediation here, where and independent EXPERIENCED mediator sits in and makes sure that no name-calling etc gets in the way of clearing the air.
She was way out of line. However, she was also being a Warrior Mum, in her mind. This tragic case, entrusted to her care - a child who has been molested by his mother's boyfriend, then by a foster family or two down the line - and they want him back home? No way! Poor kid! ('I was going to get him out of our house because he IS difficult, but I can't send him out into the cold, cruel world; besides, of course he has his problems, after all he's been through'). Try and think like she's been thinking and you might have some idea of what lies she's been fed. And from her point of view, how could she know which is truth and which is lies? If you can have some idea of what is in her mind, you will have more chance of coping with her next time you meet (because she is less likely to take you by surprise). It's then easier to not let what she says get to you, because it's not based on YOU, it's based on some fictional character SHE THINKS is you, but it's not really. And why should her opinion matter to you personally, anyway?
If she had a truer idea of the real picture, having someone like her on your side would be very interesting indeed. She's a fighter. At the very least, it might stop this extreme hostility. It could hardly make it worse, if you try to do it properly and officially with your lawyer's help.
Just a hunch, but I suspect she's not been a foster parent for all that long; or if she has, she's not had behavioural problem kids before. Maybe just a series of babies waiting for adoption... Certainly, she's not had kids like this before. But I suspect she's a relative newbie, if she's believing all she's been told.
Just a thought.
Marg
I have heard a number of you who have also been FMs say that you didn't have accurate information. Janna, you've said yourself that you're fairly sure that past fosters have not had the true story. They certainly act like you're an abusive parent. If FM is behaving this way because of what she believes about you, then what she believes must be very interesting indeed. It would be based on what she has been told by CPS, as well as what she has worked out for herself on difficult child 2's behaviour and things he has said. And knowing the things he has said in the past - I think I can understand (not agree with, that's different) where she is coming from. If she really believes you were party to difficult child 2 being molested by SO (and others, maybe) and refused to take difficult child 2's part; maybe refused to let him be treated; refused to support him or get him help in other areas; and only want him home so you can get access to his funding (who knows what has been said?) then she is NOT going to be gently disposed towards you.
Of course she's wrong. But how do you convince her? With some people, they are capable of adapting their point of view when they learn the truth. Others never change their mind once it's made up.
Would it be possible for your lawyer to find out what FM thinks? Why she was so openly hostile? If he can correct her misconceptions, it might make the next meeting go a bit more smoothly. I don't know what you can do legally - things are different in the US. We have access to mediation here, where and independent EXPERIENCED mediator sits in and makes sure that no name-calling etc gets in the way of clearing the air.
She was way out of line. However, she was also being a Warrior Mum, in her mind. This tragic case, entrusted to her care - a child who has been molested by his mother's boyfriend, then by a foster family or two down the line - and they want him back home? No way! Poor kid! ('I was going to get him out of our house because he IS difficult, but I can't send him out into the cold, cruel world; besides, of course he has his problems, after all he's been through'). Try and think like she's been thinking and you might have some idea of what lies she's been fed. And from her point of view, how could she know which is truth and which is lies? If you can have some idea of what is in her mind, you will have more chance of coping with her next time you meet (because she is less likely to take you by surprise). It's then easier to not let what she says get to you, because it's not based on YOU, it's based on some fictional character SHE THINKS is you, but it's not really. And why should her opinion matter to you personally, anyway?
If she had a truer idea of the real picture, having someone like her on your side would be very interesting indeed. She's a fighter. At the very least, it might stop this extreme hostility. It could hardly make it worse, if you try to do it properly and officially with your lawyer's help.
Just a hunch, but I suspect she's not been a foster parent for all that long; or if she has, she's not had behavioural problem kids before. Maybe just a series of babies waiting for adoption... Certainly, she's not had kids like this before. But I suspect she's a relative newbie, if she's believing all she's been told.
Just a thought.
Marg
