I'm nearly over this

[LauraH]

My son was able to go to rehab from the psychiatric ward and once the drugs were out of his system he seemed clear headed and remorseful for all the damage he caused at his partner's home and devastated that he might have destroyed his relationship with the partner. I've been basically taking the position of observer in all this and a sounding board for the partner. Around 2 weeks into rehab, however, my son was able to get hold of his roommate's Apple watch and call Jason (the partner) with more outlandish stories. Someone is planting coke on him to set him up to get kicked out, etc. Said he's on the waiting list for a sober living home but if they don't have an open bed when he is discharged from rehab could he stay with the partner until a bed is available? Nope, not gonna happen. Jason has already set firm boundaries of what my son needs to do in order to even discuss the possibility of moving back in...and one of them is rehab followed by sober living and continued mental health therapy. My son said Jason must not really love him, then, if he's turning his back on him at his time of need. Again, nope...he turned his back on himself and his relationship by his own choices and behavior. I am completely on Jason's side on this.

I am also in contact with his NA sponsor who says, and I agree, that the fact that he is breaking rules (they have very limited access to facility phones and no access to cell phones except for a couple hours on Sundays) indicates that he is not taking treatment seriously. If he does something to get kicked out or leaves voluntarily, I will be pretty much done. I don't know if I would give him an ultimatum, such as call me when you've been clean for 6 months or a year, or just stop answering the phone when he calls for an extended period of time. I don't know if my son doesn't really want to get clean and then focus on his mental health or if he wants it but not badly enough to put forth the effort to make it happen. Maybe it's easier for him to play the victim than to do the hard work necessary to save himself. Either way, you can't help someone who doesn't care about helping themselves, no matter what you do or say.

I'm also concerned that either this latest relapse has caused permanent damage mentally (the paranoia) or if he is somehow able to access drugs there at the rehab. I suggested that the partner call and talk to his counselor or someone else in authority on staff. I won't be calling anyone myself because as I've said, I am not getting involved this time other than to pray, worry, and be a safe place for Jason to vent when he needs to. And again, if he screws up yet another opportunity to get clean and get his life back on track, I will most likely be washing my hands completely of the whole mess. Maybe for a few months, maybe for a year, maybe forever. But there is nothing more I can do and if I keep trying I will only end up letting my son drag me down into the gutter with him...and I refuse to do that.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Laura

The effects of the drug on the brain can last far beyond abstinence. However this does not mean that the lingering symptoms will not go away in time.

I am sorry your son's story continues to be so hard on you--and mine, for me. For what it is worth, I support you completely in the decisions that you've made.

 

[LauraH]

Dear Laura

The effects of the drug on the brain can last far beyond abstinence. However this does not mean that the lingering symptoms will not go away in time.

I am sorry your son's story continues to be so hard on you--and mine, for me. For what it is worth, I support you completely in the decisions that you've made.

Thank you. It was this group, Nar-Anon, and my supportive husband who helped me acquire the tools to set and keep boundaries, even the ones that break our hearts. I miss my Nar-Anon meetings but they were canceled at the beginning of the pandemic and I can't find a virtual meeting that meets my needs (but I keep looking!).

 

[newstart]

My son was able to go to rehab from the psychiatric ward and once the drugs were out of his system he seemed clear headed and remorseful for all the damage he caused at his partner's home and devastated that he might have destroyed his relationship with the partner. I've been basically taking the position of observer in all this and a sounding board for the partner. Around 2 weeks into rehab, however, my son was able to get hold of his roommate's Apple watch and call Jason (the partner) with more outlandish stories. Someone is planting coke on him to set him up to get kicked out, etc. Said he's on the waiting list for a sober living home but if they don't have an open bed when he is discharged from rehab could he stay with the partner until a bed is available? Nope, not gonna happen. Jason has already set firm boundaries of what my son needs to do in order to even discuss the possibility of moving back in...and one of them is rehab followed by sober living and continued mental health therapy. My son said Jason must not really love him, then, if he's turning his back on him at his time of need. Again, nope...he turned his back on himself and his relationship by his own choices and behavior. I am completely on Jason's side on this.

I am also in contact with his NA sponsor who says, and I agree, that the fact that he is breaking rules (they have very limited access to facility phones and no access to cell phones except for a couple hours on Sundays) indicates that he is not taking treatment seriously. If he does something to get kicked out or leaves voluntarily, I will be pretty much done. I don't know if I would give him an ultimatum, such as call me when you've been clean for 6 months or a year, or just stop answering the phone when he calls for an extended period of time. I don't know if my son doesn't really want to get clean and then focus on his mental health or if he wants it but not badly enough to put forth the effort to make it happen. Maybe it's easier for him to play the victim than to do the hard work necessary to save himself. Either way, you can't help someone who doesn't care about helping themselves, no matter what you do or say.

I'm also concerned that either this latest relapse has caused permanent damage mentally (the paranoia) or if he is somehow able to access drugs there at the rehab. I suggested that the partner call and talk to his counselor or someone else in authority on staff. I won't be calling anyone myself because as I've said, I am not getting involved this time other than to pray, worry, and be a safe place for Jason to vent when he needs to. And again, if he screws up yet another opportunity to get clean and get his life back on track, I will most likely be washing my hands completely of the whole mess. Maybe for a few months, maybe for a year, maybe forever. But there is nothing more I can do and if I keep trying I will only end up letting my son drag me down into the gutter with him...and I refuse to do that.

Hi LauraH,
You have gone way beyond the call of duty trying to help your son. I am so sorry your are riding such a wicked roller coaster ride.
We have to pray that your son gets tired of living like this and decides it is time to straighten out.
I have seen kids so off track that you would think they will never make it, and they do and become successful with their lives. My prayer is that your son will realize how precious life is and start taking care of it. I pray he comes to his senses sooner than later. Sad part is they are all on their own path and we can't make them grow up faster. I forced my daughter to grow up a bit faster by stepping out of her way and letting her take the falls. Everyone matures at different levels and it is so hard to watch a grown adult child act like a baby. I am so sorry for your pain.

 

[BusynMember1]

There are Zoom Nar Anon meetings. I do them. Check online!!!!!!!

 

[LauraH]

There are Zoom Nar Anon meetings. I do them. Check online!!!!!!!

I found a listing on the website but can't figure out what to do attend. The Nar-Anon Florida site has an 800 number help line and I am going to call it tomorrow and see if they can give me some guidance. I have access to Zoom on both my easy child and my phone, just need to figure out how to get in.

 

[BusynMember1]

They will. That's how I found mine

 

[LauraH]

My son called me around 8 Central Time (he's in Chicago) and said that Jason (his partner) had talked to a counselor about the delusions and using the roommate's "contraband" phone (his Apple watch). He said he admitted to using the phone...although he said he had only called Jason once on the Apple watch, which isn't true, he has made several phone calls both to Jason and his sponsor)

I started writing this last post a few hours ago and "stuff" really has hit the fan in the meantime. My son somehow got $6,000 deposited to his debit card...says it was back pay from unemployment but I'm skeptical...and left rehab. He is completely out of touch with reality at this point and thinks all the other patients and most of the staff have been conspiring against him. Said a couple of police officers were at the facility and he knew they were coming to arrest him for something that they've been watching him for over the last four years, although he couldn't say what exactly that was.

He took a cab back into the city (Chicago) and is staying at a hotel until the money runs out or some such nonsense, and still trying to get into sober living when a bed opens up. I told him bluntly that until I saw results all his "plans" to get back into recovery was nothing but empty promises. While we were talking my husband came home from work and I was weary of hearing his paranoid delusional talk so I told him I had to go. He then sayid "Well that proves how much you love and care about me, thanks a lot." and hung up on me.

Not long after, he called again and against my better judgment I answered. He somehow found out that I have been in contact with the boyfriend and the sponsor (I have an idea who told him, a friend of his in California, but that's neither here nor there). He sees it as the ultimate betrayal that I have been in cahoots with them and that I'm taking the boyfriend's side over his...because he has yet to acknowledge the damage he has done to the relationship and to his boyfriend's state of mind currently and can't understand how the boyfriend would block his calls and not want to talk to him right now. When he was done talking I simply said Well I guess we have nothing more to say to each other and wished him a happy and successful life. He hung up on me mid sentence.

I am done. I may hear from him in a few days or weeks, or possibly never. He pulled this a couple of years ago and "cut me out of his life" by blocking me on Facebook. I heard from him a couple of days later when he wanted me to do something for him. I told him you don't get to cut someone out of your life and then ask them for a favor. But here's a huge difference. That time I was brokenhearted and devastated. Tonight I'm a little shaken but not devastated. I am taking it in stride no matter how this plays out. I am worried that I may not have any way of knowing if something terrible happens to him but other than that I don't really care anymore.

If he is so hellbent on destroying relationships with the people who truly care about him then so be it. The boyfriend is at the breaking point and ready to walk away and frankly, after this last, so am I. I don't how how much longer the sponsor will be willing to be in the picture either. He has literally poo poohed all the sponsor's recommendations and suggestions and I'm sure he will quickly reach the point of throwing up his hands and saying "what's the use". I hate that my son has made decisions and done things that got his best support system to this point...but anything that happens to me as a result is entirely on his shoulders. Although of course he will blame everyone except himself on whatever failures he may experience going forward. He refuses to accept responsibilty for anything. Oh well...I wish I could say I am past the point of caring but that's not entirely true. I will never stop caring and loving but I'm done putting forth any emotional energy on him. I'm done.

 

[newstart]

LauraH, I believe you when you say you are done. I know you can't take it anymore. Your son will feel intuitively when you are done for good, it will be up to him to fly or sink.. I know you are completely wore out from him. I have been where you are. My daughter knew intuitively when I was done and that is when she did some growing. This road is very rocky and very grieving. I walk along with you, you are not alone.

 

[LauraH]

I hate that my son has made decisions and done things that got his best support system to this point...but anything that happens to me as a result is entirely on his shoulders.

That's a typo and I can't see a way to edit it. What I meant to say was anything that happens to HIM (not me) is entirely on his shoulders.

 

[LauraH]

LauraH, I believe you when you say you are done. I know you can't take it anymore. Your son will feel intuitively when you are done for good, it will be up to him to fly or sink.. I know you are completely wore out from him. I have been where you are. My daughter knew intuitively when I was done and that is when she did some growing. This road is very rocky and very grieving. I walk along with you, you are not alone.

Thank you. One of the greatest blessings of this group and others is that we are all in this together and we are not alone.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Laura, your post speaks for me too! I am there with you too, I am sad but done. So sad that I can not foreseeably let my son sleep under my roof again. Sad that I may never see him again. Hugs to you!!

 

[LauraH]

Sad that I may never see him again.

That is a real possibility. Maybe likely, maybe not, but definitely something I have to accept as a possibility. Two years ago he blocked me on Facebook and his phone and told me he was cutting me out of his life "for the most part"...turns out that "for the most part" was an asterisk meaning "I will sill call you if I need you to do something for me." And within two days he was texting me asking me to help him get to work. (I firmly said absolutely not, you are on your own.

This time, although he seemingly has cut me off yet again, it's entirely different. I was teetering on the brink of completely removing myself from his life he yet again failed to follow through with his plans and good intentions. As I was weighing the benefits of "no contact" versus the worries of not knowing at some point if he was alive or dead, he reached out to me one last time and more or less cut me off again, but he also made my decision for me. I don't know when or if I will hear from him again, but I also don't know how I would respond when/if the time comes that he wants to communicate with me. I do believe that if he were to call or text me over the next several days I would not answer the phone or respond to texts.

Whether this is a permanent sad state of affairs or how everything will play out, only time will tell. But as heartbroken as I am feeling this morning, I am feeling much stronger thinking about the possibility that my son might be lost to me forever than I ever have been before. I can do this. I must do this.

 

[RN0441]

You sound like you are getting stronger. I really hope that you do have the strength to detach this time.

I think about what I went through with our son and I did finally detach 85% when he went to his last Christian based program. I had put walls up to protect myself and they were not going anywhere. I was so tired of having hope and then again having to endure the same pain over and over again. I knew I had to protect myself until HE MADE THE RIGHT DECISIONS.

I knew I had done everything in my power to guide him on the right path but he did not want to be on the right path! Even after 8 months successful in the very difficult program he was in, when he called and asked to come home early I said no. In fact, my husband/his father was the one that even told him he could come back home IF he completed the 13 month program successfully. I was trembling when he even suggested it. I was not on board with him ever coming home to be honest and I felt a lot of guilt for this.

He has been home for two years now and it hasn't always been easy but I have seen tremendous growth on his part and he is moving forward with his life and realizes he has made enough bad decisions and has to only make good decisions from now on.

He will graduate with his associates degree in IT Networking and be CISCO certified in December. I never thought I'd write or say this.

You need to step out of his drama and close the door securely. It may be for a while or it may be forever. That was the step that I took and I am sure that I did the right thing for all of us. If I did not have the strength that I did, I don't think we would have had this type of outcome. You need to build that fortress for yourself and not make your life all about your son and how he will live his life. Yes, it's hard.

I gave my son to God because it is HIS Will that will prevail in all of our lives.

Stay strong and keep praying. We are here for you.

 

[BusynMember1]

Laura, I am sorry. You sound as if you are much stronger now. I was once a wreck every time my kid fell apart or was mean to me. Nar Anon and therapy helped me.

Laura, I don't judge you at all. I would have done this once. But now...today...NarAnon taught me that my business ends at the tip of my.nose. This has helped me so much. I think it's best for us and for them not to get involved in their relationships. Yes, I did it once but it just made Kay worse and think her friends betrayed her. So she would punish us all. Now I feel it was not my business to talk to her people and it never helped her or me. From where I stand.now I don't get involved with her friends or even try to know who they are.

I have.not spoken to Kay for two years. Her choice. But she also partly made this choice because we set boundaries. She can't.ge rude.or ask for.money. Maybe, knowing that The Bank of Mom and Dad is closed,bshe.no longer believes we are of use to her. As hard as that is for us, that is all we feel we mean to her. She never contacted us just to check on.our welfare. She always was only nice to us to get a favor. Without getting favors from us, she.no longer wants us around.

Truth be told, our lives are easier without.het chronic drama and demands for help/money. She.did get on Social Security and.now has a food card. So does her.husband. I think that's enough for them.

I used to talk to her.husbands parents but we don't do that now. They are also cut off and know little. And it is hurtful to talk about it with all of us crying together.

Sorry again for rambling. Don't go by me. Do what you think is right.

 

[LauraH]

She never contacted us just to check on.our welfare.

That's a familiar story. When my son isn't using or angry with me he will call me just to chat. He stopped calling for money or favors two years ago when I finally put my foot down. On rare occasions he will ask for help getting one of his prescriptions and I have usually agreed. But this last time, the boyfriend told me he bought drugs with it...so even if contact is reestablished, helping with the occasional script is finished too.

And when he does call just to check in or say hi, it's always about him. If I talk about myself (good or bad or indifferent) or my sister's alzheimer's or anything else, he will say a few appropriate words of response and then shift the topic to him. He seems to have no real interest in what is going on in anyone's life other than his own. And completely oblivious to others' situations. He called me one evening while I was at the pharmacy waiting for a prescription after being in the ER for pneumonia. All I wanted to do was get my medications, go home and go to bed. He seemed offended and couldn't understand why I didn't feel like chit chatting. He didn't even say "Hope you feel better." He did say "Well call me when you get home." (I didn't because like I said all I was focused on was taking my medications and going to bed) Is this a genetic or biological thing we're born with, this lack of empathy? For the longest I just wrote it off to his age and immaturity because small children are inherently self-centered. But at 32 that's no longer a valid excuse or reason.

Did Kay get her SS on her own? I have been urging my son for several years to apply for disability. Between his bipolar and addiction he can't keep a job and is unemployed for longer periods of time than he is employed. He does have Medicaid and food stamps, which is something, but those don't pay rent or cell phone bills. He won't even consider it because he says it wouldn't pay enough. Like being unemployed with no income pays more??? Anyway I stopped nagging about that a couple of years also. Like my husband says, not my circus, not my monkeys. How he survives or gets by is his wagon to pull.

 

[BusynMember1]

I think Kay got the SS with her husband. I did not help. She wouldn't get it before saying things like she is not going to get low class SS (this is how she talks) when we can help her out. But those days are over and she knows it. Kay won't work and Lee usually finds part time jobs in pizza parlors so he doesn't make much.

In a way it is an improvement that Kay is learning survival on the streets and doing it without our help. She needs to learn as she may be on the streets for years, even forever.

 

[LauraH]

In a way it is an improvement that Kay is learning survival on the streets and doing it without our help. She needs to learn as she may be on the streets for years, even forever.

That's kind of where I stand with my son. This time in Chicago he hasn't been out on the streets and his first time there he might spend a night or two here and there. But who knows, that could be in his future. And he's getting by the best way he can whether it's getting Medicaid and staying with this friend or that friend, or whatever...but the key ingredient here, as with your daughter, he's doing it on his own with no help from me. Not only am I not in a position to help him but I wouldn't even if I won the Powerball. His choices, his consequences. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

 

[rjrodgersblue]

Good morning everyone -- some progress: My son called to thank me for a Care Package I sent to the jail that included paper, pens, pencils, snacks, etc. He, at one time, wanted to study journalism, and loves to write poems and stories. He started to cry and said he would not call and pester us to post bail and thanked both myself and my husband for taking his calls, and he knew he was still loved.
I did talk to his public defender and the prosecutor has not filed charges yet. Not sure what to hope for, but my prayer has been: "God, I don't know what needs to happen here, but you do. Please take the wheel and I will move to the back of the bus and continue to pray for my son's safety and recovery."
Thanks again to everyone on this site that continues to give me hope and comfort.

 

[LauraH]

God, I don't know what needs to happen here, but you do. Please take the wheel and I will move to the back of the bus and continue to pray for my son's safety and recovery.

This is exactly what we all need to do. Take a back seat and let God (or your Higher Power) do their work. It's a hard thing to do as parents but it's so much easier for us and even for our children.

I'm very happy you've had some progress. Even a small victory is enough to give us hope and make us that much stronger for whatever is to come. Prayers for your son and family.