Into the garbage pit.

[newstart]

Went over to my daughters house today, she wanted to have a meal together, she made a steak, we ate together and it was ok. Went outside to remove more trash, picked up the yards did other things and noticed the ex boyfriends shoes there plus the stupid greasy things that he eats. Told my daughter that she is deceptive and I am sorry that I had put so much time and energy into helping her. There is NO way I would have worked over there had I known he was not gone all the way. I could feel his sleazy vibes in the house while we ate. I have to find out why I help people that are so rude and deceptive to me. I have to find out why I tolerate further than I have to.
When I say this guy is scum of the earth, I am not saying this because of how much I dislike him, I am saying this because if I did not know him and met him somewhere I would run the other way. He reeks bad living, he reeks jail material, he reeks just anything in this world that is dark and murky~ And my daughter hangs on to him like he is some kind of gold. She even got a job close to his mothers home. I have never seen such a toxic combination, I have never seen two that are so bad and wicked for each other. They are sick with each other and sick apart. My stomach is in knots because when they are together it is a bomb. I will be looking to move.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Newstart. I hope I don't anger you but I will say the silver lining. Your daughter loves and needs you. She wants your company. She likes to be with you. To the point where she is hiding in part the reality of her life. What did she get out of this white lie, except for contact with you?

She may not have the strength right now to get rid of him 100 percent. But I don't think she lied to you in order to cheat you, or game you or even to manipulate you. She lied to you to be close to you. Why else make the steak? Manipulating you and extracting favors, does not require company and closeness.

More and more when you write about your daughter and being around her, what I feel when I read your posts, is love. Love on both sides. Strongly. That is what I feel. I feel it between the lines and I feel it through the computer. Honestly. Your posts exude love.

 

[newstart]

Copa, Your words are comforting. My anger comes from being lied to, the constant deceit and putting all that work into that house and having him back in it. He is worse than having 12 monkeys running free... I also really need to know why the need in me is so strong to help her. I feel like an idiot, a constant idiot.. She told me he was not living there, he just came over for lunch, then why did he leave his shoes there? Same stupid pattern over and over again. It's me. I have to learn on a deeper level. I have to study how to detach with love for the one millionth time. I am tired, I am hurt, I am grieved and I am beyond sad.. Why do I keep trying to help her and others that treat me like S.? Just for crumbs... It is rather pathetic. Today something shifted in me. I felt the shift. I am deeply sad but yet I felt the strength within to make changes that I have to make in order to make a good life. It is hell being an empath.

 

[JMom]

Newstart,

I'm with Copa-there is a lot of love floating around. You help people because it is who YOU are. I too, am an empath. Hurt is part of the nature of you. She is your daughter, that is WHY you help her. You love her, that is WHY you put up with it. So he's a sleeze but she's getting something from the relationship or she wouldn't allow it. I'm not saying it's a healthy return, but it is her choice to make.

She is also choosing YOU. She loves you. I think detaching with love is a great idea, I agree with you 100%. You can still love her every bit as much without the extra responsibilities (cleaning up their messes). Is it possible to spend time with her in a neutral location-away from her mess, her boyfriend and his shoes? Perhaps, for your sake, the subject of him is off limits. I hope you can take a step back and see that you can not control her choice to be with him. What you CAN control is how deep you dive in to cleaning up the mess (physically and spiritually). You have a very strong moral compass and a close relationship to your spiritual guide, maybe you could focus on turning it over to God. What would you have done differently, if you knew the final outcome? Do that. Do things for you. Be kind to you. You deserve kindness-a friend who is just as sweet, nurturing and as giving as you are. Find peace today. Put that anger aside-it will be waiting for you tomorrow.

Love,
JMOM

 

[newstart]

Newstart,

I'm with Copa-there is a lot of love floating around. You help people because it is who YOU are. I too, am an empath. Hurt is part of the nature of you. She is your daughter, that is WHY you help her. You love her, that is WHY you put up with it. So he's a sleeze but she's getting something from the relationship or she wouldn't allow it. I'm not saying it's a healthy return, but it is her choice to make.

She is also choosing YOU. She loves you. I think detaching with love is a great idea, I agree with you 100%. You can still love her every bit as much without the extra responsibilities (cleaning up their messes). Is it possible to spend time with her in a neutral location-away from her mess, her boyfriend and his shoes? Perhaps, for your sake, the subject of him is off limits. I hope you can take a step back and see that you can not control her choice to be with him. What you CAN control is how deep you dive in to cleaning up the mess (physically and spiritually). You have a very strong moral compass and a close relationship to your spiritual guide, maybe you could focus on turning it over to God. What would you have done differently, if you knew the final outcome? Do that. Do things for you. Be kind to you. You deserve kindness-a friend who is just as sweet, nurturing and as giving as you are. Find peace today. Put that anger aside-it will be waiting for you tomorrow.

Love,
JMOM

As always thank you JMOM for your insight and note. I think my daughter puts up with me because of the things I buy for her or what she can get off of me. I allow this because I am a pathetic soul that wants desperately to have a connection with her. Get treated like crap and then try and try again. Not this time. This time is different... I clearly see the cruel behavior, I see the destruction and I see all the nasty there is clearly.
Not sure how I am going to precede but will be in deep meditation. Hope all is well on your end.

 

[Copabanana]

Newstart. I think you are very hard on yourself. I agree with Jmom. You help her because you love her and you are her mother. You also help her because you are a good person who CHOOSES to be good. Of course you are a sensitive soul. This is not a bad thing. The thing to do is to find boundaries that keep you safe. These are not necessarily physical boundaries. They may be emotional boundaries. Remembering who she is. Remembering that this time she won't be different. But you can be. If you remember all of the time what has been hurtful to you, and assume that she will still do these things and act this way, you can take responsibility for going in with eyes wide open. We can work with you here, so that you will be prepared. It would be fun. To go through your posts and to see what it is that consistently happens. And then we can all of us try to come up with ways to anticipate it, and for you to protect yourself.

 

[newstart]

Newstart. I think you are very hard on yourself. I agree with Jmom. You help her because you love her and you are her mother. You also help her because you are a good person who CHOOSES to be good. Of course you are a sensitive soul. This is not a bad thing. The thing to do is to find boundaries that keep you safe. These are not necessarily physical boundaries. They may be emotional boundaries. Remembering who she is. Remembering that this time she won't be different. But you can be. If you remember all of the time what has been hurtful to you, and assume that she will still do these things and act this way, you can take responsibility for going in with eyes wide open. We can work with you here, so that you will be prepared. It would be fun. To go through your posts and to see what it is that consistently happens. And then we can all of us try to come up with ways to anticipate it, and for you to protect yourself.

Thank you Copa, my wise friend. It is naive of me to think she is growing, getting older so maybe the abuse will just go away. She is who she is. A person that will not do anything about her bad behavior. I think when thing are going ok, I let down my guard. I am not comfortable walking around defensive and guarded, it wears me out yet that is what I have to do if I want to continue with such a nasty person. Maybe I just don't want to do that anymore. Maybe I am getting to the end of my road where I have lost patience and maybe I have matured to the point I just plain do not want to deal with it. I have been at the crossroads with her like this and have stopped talking to her for 3 months, it made an improvement and it forced her to change. I thought all that major nasty stuff was behind us and it is back. I guess with her disorder it never goes away, it is always there lurking. I am always amazed at the abusive words and toxic ways my daughter uses that are identical to my bipolar sister in law. My daughter and sister in law hardly ever saw each other. My sister in law is so toxic that I completely stopped talking to her for 20+ years. We finally did talk and her brother, my husband asked me NOT to open that bag of worms. My sister in law and I now have a very guarded, superficial, business like relationship. When we do see each other, the air is thick, stressed and I have to sage my home and open all the windows to let the bad vibes out.. I guess what I am saying is if that is the only kind of relationship I can have with my daughter, I do not even want one. I can learn to love her from afar. I know I can never replace my child but I can learn how to live without the abuse. Thank you Copa for your guidance and trying to point me in the right direction. I know you understand that after a toxic beating the mind just can't make good sense. **Love**