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Is it ever to late?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 733424" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Wendy, welcome. I'm so sorry you continue to struggle with your son's addiction. It's a difficult journey for parents when our kids go off the rails, for whatever reason. But, it is never too late to stop enabling and take your own life back.</p><p></p><p>You might try posting on the substance abuse forum as well, the folks there are well versed in addiction issues. A good resource for us is a book called Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie. As others have mentioned, many parents here find solace, support, guidance and information at 12 step groups such as Narc Anon, Families Anonymous, Al Anon and CoDa. </p><p></p><p>Generally speaking, our adult troubled kids don't change on their own volition, especially if we are enabling them. Why would they? They have all their needs met by us. They have the <em>potential</em> of changing, if we change.......otherwise, nothing changes. To that end, I would strongly encourage you to seek out professional support in a therapist, or a therapist run support group for parents. Look for therapists who are trained in addiction & codependency. It's difficult to pull our selves out of the patterning we've been in......and it is very challenging for most of us to let our kids suffer the consequences of their own choices. However, until people face the consequences of their choices and behavior, there is little incentive for them to change. And until you begin disengaging from your son's choices, stop enabling him and set strong boundaries, unfortunately, your life will remain the same. You have the power to shift this.....take your power back.....take your life back.....</p><p></p><p>Your son is holding you hostage in your own home by his violent behavior. This is common behavior with addicts..... to ensure they continue status quo, they manipulate, threaten, guilt you, shame you, blame you, push you in any direction they can in order for you to continue enabling them. In order to stop that behavior, it is essential that you get yourself support and learn how to set boundaries around your son's behavior. He will not react well to boundaries, so it is imperative that you create a support network you can utilize as you make the necessary changes. This is where support comes in......their tactics to get us to continue are usually very hard on us because unfortunately our kids are master manipulators and know where our soft spots are.</p><p></p><p>Detaching from our adult kids behaviors is necessary for our well being, our health and our peace of mind. Your home is indeed your sanctuary..... <em>take it back.</em> You matter. Your feelings, thoughts, desires and needs matter. When we've been enabling our kids for a long time, we forget that we matter too.....we slowly, over time, lose our own lives..... we lose our own health and well being as we put all of our energies into saving our kids. However, we cannot save them. Only they can do that. You didn't cause his addiction, you can't fix it, change it or control it. Only he can. I'd encourage you to put your son in the hands of what you see as your higher power, that helps to soothe our mothers hearts. </p><p></p><p>Don't bother with the guilt, you've done what most of us here have done, tried with all of our might to save our precious child. But now you've come to the realization that your helping has not helped, so it's time to let go. </p><p></p><p>Find a good support system as you make the changes necessary. Continue posting. Read books on addiction, codependency and detachment. This is not easy, but it is doable. It sounds as if it is time for you to recapture your joy & your peace of mind.....you deserve that. I'm glad you're here, you're not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 733424, member: 13542"] Wendy, welcome. I'm so sorry you continue to struggle with your son's addiction. It's a difficult journey for parents when our kids go off the rails, for whatever reason. But, it is never too late to stop enabling and take your own life back. You might try posting on the substance abuse forum as well, the folks there are well versed in addiction issues. A good resource for us is a book called Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie. As others have mentioned, many parents here find solace, support, guidance and information at 12 step groups such as Narc Anon, Families Anonymous, Al Anon and CoDa. Generally speaking, our adult troubled kids don't change on their own volition, especially if we are enabling them. Why would they? They have all their needs met by us. They have the [I]potential[/I] of changing, if we change.......otherwise, nothing changes. To that end, I would strongly encourage you to seek out professional support in a therapist, or a therapist run support group for parents. Look for therapists who are trained in addiction & codependency. It's difficult to pull our selves out of the patterning we've been in......and it is very challenging for most of us to let our kids suffer the consequences of their own choices. However, until people face the consequences of their choices and behavior, there is little incentive for them to change. And until you begin disengaging from your son's choices, stop enabling him and set strong boundaries, unfortunately, your life will remain the same. You have the power to shift this.....take your power back.....take your life back..... Your son is holding you hostage in your own home by his violent behavior. This is common behavior with addicts..... to ensure they continue status quo, they manipulate, threaten, guilt you, shame you, blame you, push you in any direction they can in order for you to continue enabling them. In order to stop that behavior, it is essential that you get yourself support and learn how to set boundaries around your son's behavior. He will not react well to boundaries, so it is imperative that you create a support network you can utilize as you make the necessary changes. This is where support comes in......their tactics to get us to continue are usually very hard on us because unfortunately our kids are master manipulators and know where our soft spots are. Detaching from our adult kids behaviors is necessary for our well being, our health and our peace of mind. Your home is indeed your sanctuary..... [I]take it back.[/I] You matter. Your feelings, thoughts, desires and needs matter. When we've been enabling our kids for a long time, we forget that we matter too.....we slowly, over time, lose our own lives..... we lose our own health and well being as we put all of our energies into saving our kids. However, we cannot save them. Only they can do that. You didn't cause his addiction, you can't fix it, change it or control it. Only he can. I'd encourage you to put your son in the hands of what you see as your higher power, that helps to soothe our mothers hearts. Don't bother with the guilt, you've done what most of us here have done, tried with all of our might to save our precious child. But now you've come to the realization that your helping has not helped, so it's time to let go. Find a good support system as you make the changes necessary. Continue posting. Read books on addiction, codependency and detachment. This is not easy, but it is doable. It sounds as if it is time for you to recapture your joy & your peace of mind.....you deserve that. I'm glad you're here, you're not alone. [/QUOTE]
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