Is this your first time......

skittles

Active Member
I had same issue, my son was in for 5 years. However as he was a federal inmate he was released to a halfway house first for 6 months which gave him time to find a place to live and get on assisstance which made it easier on me. Do they have the John Howard society or Salvation army where you are? It may be beneficial to contact them to look into housing options before he gets out. The first time my son was incarcerated it was a provincial institution (no halfway house) so i just gave him the number and address for the local mens mission. He got the hint and relized he wasnt welcome at my place.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I literally googled "I bought a tent for my kid today, who does that?" and that is how I found this forum.
I got here that way too. I'm not sure what I put but it must have been some variation of "my son is homeless...blah, blah, blah."

beebz. I am so very sorry you went through that. I had a really rough day today with my son and I have not a thing left that's worth anything to say. I'm so wrung out and sad. But I wanted to let you know that I'm here with you (I wish I had a recliner, but I'm in bed, with an electric blanket which is good enough.)

My son said today cruel words of blame to me for his situation, and my fault in all of it. Too. And now he's gone from my town. Again. Homeless. And it's cold. And he left without a coat. Very, very sad, I am.
 
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Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
Copabanana I am sorry for you and your son. Please get some sleep and feel better. It is so hard I know. I wish I could reach through here to hug and comfort you. I am going to check on you tomorrow and say a prayer for you and your family tonight.
Lots of warm hugs.

Peace and Love
 

beebz

Member
A psychologist would recommend what you're already dling: Journaling your feelings and writing. It can help put things in perspective. It helps to get it out. It's been proven that Writing is very therapeutic.

I'm sorry about your son. Threatening to take the girls forever, especially after all you and your husband have done for them, is low. He should be eternally grateful that you're taking care of them and giving them some normalcy instead of them having to be in foster care. It's nice that they got to go to the movie. The girls are fortunate to have you.
No no, he didn't threaten to take them, he always states that he wants them with me and his father for their best life - he was meaning he'd take them off my hands - like bargaining with me, desperate for me to bail him out. He has no means to provide them with anything at all and he knows I'm tired all the time. He sounds like he is barely keeping his chin above water with his desperate pleas to bail him out. He'd say something like "I'll give you my paycheck for the rest of my life if you bail me out" kinda plea.
Totally agree that writing is therapeutic but when I do it with a pen or pencil, it gets tiring lol
I love to type and can type as fast as I talk pretty much -
hugs ~beebz
 

beebz

Member
I got here that way too. I'm not sure what I put but it must have been some variation of "my son is homeless...blah, blah, blah."

beebz. I am so very sorry you went through that. I had a really rough day today with my son and I have not a thing left that's worth anything to say. I'm so wrung out and sad. But I wanted to let you know that I'm here with you (I wish I had a recliner, but I'm in bed, with an electric blanket which is good enough.)

My son said today cruel words of blame to me for his situation, and my fault in all of it. Too. And now he's gone from my town. Again. Homeless. And it's cold. And he left without a coat. Very, very sad, I am.
awwwww - I am so sorry - I know this all too well - I am very very very sad since he went to jail. Happy that he is out of the weather, but he is calling me 3 or more times a day, and his brother and my folks and no one is answering their phones. I climb out of my hole and put together some words of joy with my family and then BAM, the phone rings , I see the 877 (collect) number and go straight downhill. I don't want to put a block on it as I do not want to be the cause of his demise. That is how I feel.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
I got here that way too. I'm not sure what I put but it must have been some variation of "my son is homeless...blah, blah, blah."

beebz. I am so very sorry you went through that. I had a really rough day today with my son and I have not a thing left that's worth anything to say. I'm so wrung out and sad. But I wanted to let you know that I'm here with you (I wish I had a recliner, but I'm in bed, with an electric blanket which is good enough.)

My son said today cruel words of blame to me for his situation, and my fault in all of it. Too. And now he's gone from my town. Again. Homeless. And it's cold. And he left without a coat. Very, very sad, I am.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
Copa, I'm so sorry for the sadness you are feeling now. Prayed for you just now.
I reached out to Josh tonight, begged him to stop the abuse and let's start the new year trying to heal our relationship, would like to be able to celebrate his 30th birthday on Wednesday with him, etc. Got the same response as always and then he blocked me. So I know only too well the sadness you are experiencing right now.
My heart hurts for anyone going through what I feel. That's all I can say to you--I'm so sorry. You are a lovely person and you so obviously love that son of yours and have tried very hard to help him and be supportive of him. I just wanted to say I'm here with you.
 

skittles

Active Member
No no, he didn't threaten to take them, he always states that he wants them with me and his father for their best life - he was meaning he'd take them off my hands - like bargaining with me, desperate for me to bail him out. He has no means to provide them with anything at all and he knows I'm tired all the time. He sounds like he is barely keeping his chin above water with his desperate pleas to bail him out. He'd say something like "I'll give you my paycheck for the rest of my life if you bail me out" kinda plea.
Totally agree that writing is therapeutic but when I do it with a pen or pencil, it gets tiring lol
I love to type and can type as fast as I talk pretty much -
hugs ~beebz
 

skittles

Active Member
Beebz
your son is probably holding it together far better than you think. He’s holding it together well enough to know what kind of things to promise you. that shows some forethought and planning. sounds to me like his desperation is pretty self-serving. i’ve been there so I really feel for you, I know exactly how hard it is. my son had to spend a full year in the Elgin Middlesex detention centre before he even got a court date, because I wouldn’t bail him out. If you Google it you will see that this detension centre is probably the worst in Canada. I truly did worry about him in there, but this was his third time in prison. perhaps if I had not bailed him out his first time, he wouldn’t of ended up in there on an armed robbery charge. so if you stick to your guns, you May be saving him from a far worse offence in the future. try to stay strong, I know how all consuming it is worrying about a child in prison, But I also found after a while that it was a wonderful chance for me to learn how to be me instead of just his mother. that was the one bonus to such a long sentence, i Don’t know what your son is looking at for time. I found his shorter sentences just reinforce the drama, it goes from bail hearings to court case to probation or visits in jail etc. Once they have a long federal sentence like my son had and they get sent out of town, it really created a much-needed distance for me. so one way to look at it is it’s an opportunity for you to have a bit of an emotional and mental break and let the authorities be his caretaker for a while instead of you.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I don't want to put a block on it as I do not want to be the cause of his demise.
This is the whole enchilada. As their mothers we have tried to be and to them have been the force in their lives that guides and protects. The source. The strength. The fallback.

And still, even though they're rampaging and careening through the streets we feel responsible. We consciously know we aren't. But we feel we are an existential "cause" in their lives. Even when we know logically that they are causing all sorts of havoc we assume some kind of causal force in their lives.

The members here who go to Al Anon, learn that this is not the case, and they learn to free themselves. I have gone a couple of times to Al Anon, but don't want to give this up, this causal connection. I don't know why I don't want to let go. I need the umbilical cord as much as does my son.
you so obviously love that son of yours and have tried very hard to help him and be supportive of him.
Thank you Beta. This brought tears to my eyes. I love him.
Beebz
your son is probably holding it together far better than you think.
What skittles says I know is true. Most of you know I worked in prison over a 25 year period. I know how well most guys adjust. Many of them like it!
so if you stick to your guns, you May be saving him from a far worse offence in the future.
I agree with this too.
it was a wonderful chance for me to learn how to be me instead of just his mother.
Guys in for a long enough stretch had gratitude for the opportunity for recovery, many of them, to settle into themselves, and as skittle says, to "learn how to be me" instead of the drug, driven by the drug.

My son called later last night. He was fine; his venomous words to me in the rear view mirror. He had arrived where he was going. He knows people in the area where he stays. While we spoke, he bumped into an acquaintance. He had already settled into the routine. He spoke of a couple of constructive things he could do. He is confronting his life.

I want to say this to beebz. I am Jewish from the Pale too. A cornerstone of our faith is confronting our real lives, engaging them.

I know, I know, you have withdrawn. But you are vitally engaged with every single family member and with yourself, with every single breath you take.

When we engage with our prodigal children as if they are infants, dependent upon us for their every sustenance and strength, we deprive them of their G-d given right to fight for life and to fight for the light in their lives; to fight for their liberation.

What do you call it when the boxers go to the corner to get their face washed and drink and spit? And they seem to tremble and shake to compose themselves? I don't know. That's what it looks like. That's what prison is for those that don't get a long, long sentence.

To me when the boxers go to the corner, they don't just rest and get nutrition. They recompose themselves. They renew themselves. They find force and focus to see things in a different way. In the form of the next round they get another chance to do it differently.

After working in prisons so many years I do not see them as tragic or sad. I see the lives that lead to prison in that light. Prison I see as potential. (Which is not to say I like prisons or imprisonment, what happens there or the social forces that lead to prisons.)

There is a lot of real, raw truth on this thread. A lot of real, raw heart. A lot of real, raw strength and courage. I want to thank you all very much for so much.
 

skittles

Active Member
I worked in prisonover a 25 year period. I know howwell most guys adjust. Many ofthem like it!
Copacabana
I shook my head at your quote, its actually seemed to be true. I wouldn’t say my son liked it but he did well in prison. What I think he found is that the unambiguous black and white rules are what he needed.And there is no one to rescue him there. Out in the real world there is so much gray area, if you gave him an inch he would push it 10 miles, he couldn’t do that in prison and oddly he didn’t even try. he was actually a very good prisoner, went to all his programs, went to AA, managed to get along, And when he applied to change from a medium to a minimum security, he was accepted. this allowed him to actually take college courses off the prison grounds. Hes been out for a few years now, and is very unmotivated. he manages to work for a while and then lose his job and go on welfare, but he seems to be staying out of legal trouble and off the hard drugs, This is probably the best I can expect he’ll ever achieve but thats his life and he seems fairly content with it, and honestly compared to where he was before prison this is a huge blessing and I’m thankful for it.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Beebz,
A memory just popped into my head. Once I was struggling inwardly because my son was in a bad place.

I was at work and my emotions started spiraling and I couldn't contain tears. I had a security guard riding out with me
She said tell me what you're feeling. I said I felt betrayed because God wasn't saving my son...from himself.

She stated that God allows people to suffer to learn a lesson. Then I really lost it and said I just don't understand why he has to suffer SO MUCH to learn the lesson. She replied "maybe the lesson is for you."

That day changed my life. God put me in a position where I could no longer get it the way. J had to suffer HIS consequences. He had to learn and grow up without my interference.

J became homeless. I blamed myself but for once I sat down and gave it to God.

God gave J his right to free will. For 8 months J stayed on the streets drugging. On his 21 st birthday he called me and said he was clean. He was. He wanted to prove it. I took him to our family doctor and had him tested. He was 100% sober for the first time in 8 years.

He found a job that he still has today and an apartment and roommate on $12/hr.

He has drank some, and some to excess but called to tell me he got stupid with alcohol but is stopping.

He slips from time to time but he does it at his own expense and self regulates without my interference.

I have my own life now. We talk every morning on our way to work and before bed.

The lesson may be for you. All journeys are not the same but I do know that you have a choice not to answer the phone everytime he calls. Let it go a couple of days or whatever YOU need....to make it about you, not him.

Other people don't answer his calls because they are waiting to see a change. Fear not, when he returns to himself sober, they will all likely be waiting with open arms, as you will.

My J only got sober when I was out of the picture and refused to let him see his sisters.

He missed 8 months of their lives, but he apologized and they forgave.

I hope this helps. If not, leave it on the table.
 

Blindsided

Face the Sun
Skittle your are correct. I feel this is what made me a bad mother to begin with. I should not have been so protective of their feelings. Now I have the responsibility of turning loose, something I should have done long ago. This lack of parenting after all put my kids in this place. How do I do this? This error in my judgement has hurt my family for a long time now. I just don't know how to repair all the damage I have done.
I had to learn that it was my DCs manipulation, not something I did. I learned not to take on untruths spoken to me as though they were insightful and enlightening to who I am. I learned that my DCs words of condemnation are emotionally fueled, not reality assessments. I learned to listen to others around me as my source of reality and objectivity. Are we guilty? Of course we are. We all are because we are not perfect. When we know we have done something that needs correction, as adults we do what we can to fix it, fix our actions, no one elses. We should not feel guilty for the choices our DCs make. To do so would rob them of their ability to learn how to deal with life, including the rewards of doing something right. Do I feel guilty about enabling? Yes. Did I do it to harm my Difficult Child? No. Can I change the past? No. All I can do is set boundaries that allow me to accept I can only do what I can do and it's up to me to find the tools I need to do better. It doesn't happen over night, at least not for me. Love and light to each of us.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
JMom

Yes I agree. Sometimes those we love suffer to bring us closer to God. I think that is what happened in my case also.

Copa so sorry to hear the way your son talked to you, but it sounds like he turned it around and is once again "doing his thing".

I do remember how I got here. My son was diagnosed with conduct disorder at age 15 or 16 and I did not even know what that was. I Googled "conduct disorder" and here I am. I have been here for about 9 years. Wow.

I have suffered greatly with our son's addiction to pills but now that is all over. He does still struggle a bit but he does make himself right and does seem to learn from his experiences....NOW. He did not prior to coming home in November of 2018. I could not believe how he was behaving and digging himself a deeper and deeper hole.

He works part time and starts college tomorrow full time for computer networking. Wonders never cease!!
 

beebz

Member
Beebz,
A memory just popped into my head. Once I was struggling inwardly because my son was in a bad place.

I was at work and my emotions started spiraling and I couldn't contain tears. I had a security guard riding out with me
She said tell me what you're feeling. I said I felt betrayed because God wasn't saving my son...from himself.

She stated that God allows people to suffer to learn a lesson. Then I really lost it and said I just don't understand why he has to suffer SO MUCH to learn the lesson. She replied "maybe the lesson is for you."

That day changed my life. God put me in a position where I could no longer get it the way. J had to suffer HIS consequences. He had to learn and grow up without my interference.

J became homeless. I blamed myself but for once I sat down and gave it to God.

God gave J his right to free will. For 8 months J stayed on the streets drugging. On his 21 st birthday he called me and said he was clean. He was. He wanted to prove it. I took him to our family doctor and had him tested. He was 100% sober for the first time in 8 years.

He found a job that he still has today and an apartment and roommate on $12/hr.

He has drank some, and some to excess but called to tell me he got stupid with alcohol but is stopping.

He slips from time to time but he does it at his own expense and self regulates without my interference.

I have my own life now. We talk every morning on our way to work and before bed.

The lesson may be for you. All journeys are not the same but I do know that you have a choice not to answer the phone everytime he calls. Let it go a couple of days or whatever YOU need....to make it about you, not him.

Other people don't answer his calls because they are waiting to see a change. Fear not, when he returns to himself sober, they will all likely be waiting with open arms, as you will.

My J only got sober when I was out of the picture and refused to let him see his sisters.

He missed 8 months of their lives, but he apologized and they forgave.

I hope this helps. If not, leave it on the table.


J - I don't know why, but I started crying so hard reading your post, some tears for agreeing and some for not., not for not, but for having to realize my plight has been so so so long. Since he was 14 at least and he is now 35.
The charge of trafficking meth has me unconsolable. He's not a trafficker. He either bought one hit or sold one hit; he isn't a big time anything other than "loser". Those words however make for a felony. We have a local cop being charged for stealing and all kinds of corruption who seems to be getting a slap on the wrist. , or people being popped for a roach in their pocket when the dang stuff is legal. Does the county really need the money that bad? Do they really have room in the jails for people carrying a roach or an empty bag with shake in it for what was once a bud? I'm just so torn. I am not sticking up for my son; that is a fact, because I did not and will not bail him out, I am not answering his calls and I haven't gone to see him. But dammit, his homeless skinny starving dirty stupid retarded butt isn't a meth trafficker. I want to fight for him, he is too ignorant to even comprehend what he did or how to attain his court appointed attorney. He is/was into heroin but I don't know what the meth crap is all about. I know his wife was into it and far gone in the mind from it but I didn't know that was his drug of choice in any shape or form. He is more a heroin, opiate, xanax person.

I told my girlfriend today, this whole God never gives you more than you can handle business is getting very misguided ! I think the climate issues got to my Gods thinking and reasoning because I can't take any more; including my mean mother, deaf father, sick dog and ill husband on top of my felon son.
Thank you for letting me vent. Thank you for reading this. Thank you for everything you do that pertains to me. much love ~beebz
 

beebz

Member
Mine was literally the title of my first post. I typed in tears that day something about my drug addict homeless son is killing my soul and wallah - CD forum
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Beebz,
You definitely have your hands full. They have to give him a public defender by Miranda law ( supreme court case Miranda v Arizona). The problem is, they see them 2 seconds before the judge calls them both up. I feel you when you say he is not a trafficker and I believe you.

J once got a class A rather than C because he was smoking weed at our neighborhood park at 2 am. It was considered a "drug free zone" because kids play there....but not at 2 am. So when you run his criminal history, it looks as if he was peddling drugs to elementary kids. So stupid.

I guess I missed that your son is 35. That's a long road. Anywho, if he can ask who the public defender is, they may tell him what evidence they have and inquire as to a plea deal. They love plea deal because they dont have to go to court, it saves everyone time and money, especially the free public defender. I think it might benefit him to plea to a lesser charge IF he is planning on pleading guilty.

If he didn't do it, I hope he can fight it in court.
Keep breathing beebz!
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Beebz, I know I've said this already but my heart is truly breaking for you. Where you are now is where I fear I'll be, so I can imagine how you are feeling. I just want you to know I understand your dilemma - you want to help him because of the injustice, but you don't want to enable him. If it helps at all, I think you have made all the right choices so far. Sending you my love and lots of hugs from across the oceans.
 

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
Hi copabanana. How are you feeling today? Better I hope. I have thought and prayed for you and your son today.

Peace and Love
 
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