It Just Keeps Getting Worse...

[SeaGenieTx]

I realize it's best for me at this point to just cut out all contact with my 23 year old son. Any type of conversation or attempt just to speak to him is futile. He has hung up on me the last time. My mailbox is being inundated with Toll Road Fee violations, letters from attorneys (the accident he claims that someone backed into his car while parked at a friends was a total lie). He ran into the back of someone and now letters from that persons attorney are showing up in my mailbox. I have to write "Return to Sender, Not At this address" on them. Toll road violation notices, declined credit applications (proof he has run out of money and blown his entire inheritance as he is trying to get credit). I am just shocked at how stupid my son is and the hole he keeps digging is getting deeper and deeper.

I reached out again today to tell him it's obvious he lied about wrecking his car and now the person he hit obtained an attorney and he will be sued as I'm sure he isn't paying for insurance (He lied and said he was but he has no money so how can he). He got agitated with me and hung up on me. No surprise anymore.

Are drug addicts just on a mission to totally ruin their lives? How can ANYONE live like this? He is driving a car with a suspended drivers license, no insurance, had a wreck, blew thru $30K, does nothing but get wasted night and after night and couch surf, and lies - oh my God the lies..... when I corner him in lies and tell him to stop lying to me... CLICK - he hangs up.

Right now I've come to the conclusion he is headed to one or two places. Jail or an early grave. I almost wish he would end up in jail because there he would have to detox and be forced to sit and think about his choices, but the Houston jails are the worst in the nation and inmates do not receive proper care or treatment. He has been there twice and survived but it didn't phase him, he joked about how the other inmates couldn't believe he was in there for misdemeanor pot charges.

He had a chance a while back to get his life together when he received a $30K inheritance. He paid off his bills and attorneys fees then he just went on this wild spending spree, bought a car and it's been a non-stop party ever since to spend every last dime. Now he is totally broke and back in debt and facing trouble with this latest accident he got in.

When I talked to him last, I really got a sense of his mindset. I honestly think he has some mental issues and is not thinking rationally at all. I think he is into coke as he seemed so wired last time I talked to him.

And every phone call he is impatient, in the middle of getting food or doing something and "can't talk right now" then hangs up on me.

I'm done trying to even keep tabs on him. He is seriously in trouble and something bad is going to happen soon. He can't keep breaking the law and running from his troubles. He lies so much I don't think he even thinks before he speaks - he just spews lies.

I've never been thru such torment in my life. It's impossible to completely ignore this and be happy. I'm doing what everyone says - detaching, focusing on me but it's my only child and he is slowly torturing me as I know I'm going to get that call he's headed to jail or prison or he's overdosed and died.

My face is really starting to show signs of a mom who has been put thru hell. I don't recognize myself anymore.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sending gentle hugs

 

[BusynMember]

I like the show "Intervention" and before the intervention the addict talks and shows what his/her life is like. Since I never used drugs, I was shocked at how consumed they are completely by their drug of choice due to cravings.Their life revolves around getting the next high and getting money to buy it.

I heard on one of the shows from an intervention expert who had been an addict that addicts are sick and care about nothing except their next high. My guess is your son is so severely addicted to something that he didn't mind blowing $30K for it, and, yes, he is not in his right mind, but he probably is not mentally ill. All drug addicts live for the next high and many drugs cause terrible withdrawals just a few hours after a fix. That is what drives them, according to this expert and ex-addict.

Addicts are not who they used to be, but they CAN decide to detox and get clean. Addicts clean up EVERY DAY. But it is up to them to decide to do it and stick w ith it. Here's hoping your son does just that one day.

Hugs to you and don't torture yourself keeping tabs on him. You really can't anyway. Be good to yourself.

 

[Copabanana]

SeaGenie, I wish it was different for us. Really, I do.

But the only way to get through this is to first to acknowledge that what is happening really is happening. It is as bad as it seems and the longer that you are vicariously going through it with him you will suffer unnecessarily and it will not help.

You must disengage. As long as your son is on drugs, the drug rather than your son is driving his life. Anybody along for the ride will suffer more than he is suffering. For much of the time he is not feeling the effects. You suffer 24 hours a day. Seven days a week.

Serenity wrote the truth. Every day thousands of people stop using. But it is not their Mom who determines this. When they stop or how.

There is no rhyme nor reason. It could have been 100k. There are Hollywood Stars who go through millions. And stop. Many of them. Two I can think of right now because they are my favorites are Tony Bennett and the singer, I cannot believe I forget his name because I adore him, but his last name is Cohen. That's it, Leonard Cohen.

And Anthony Bourdain the Chef and Food writer I like, for over 20 years ago was a heroin addict. Now he is a star on CNN. His mother went nearly crazy with anguish. She was a journalist for the New York Times.

Our sons are adults now. Not our baby boys. Adult men. He is living his life. You need to live your own and recognize it is not tethered to your son's.

I am learning to do this. My son has a chronic illness. I have faced that he might not outlive me. While I used to believe I could not survive this, now I realize I will if I have to.

But I have to live. And I want to live well.

COPA

 

[toughlovin]

Oh SeaGenie.... I so feel for you!! My hope at this point is that he gets arrested (hopefully for something fairly minor) and lands in jail. No its not a great place, and certainly not a place any of us wants for our kids.... but it is a place to sleep and is generally safer than the streets. Do what you can to take care of yourself.... it might be impossible right now to be happy.....but work on just being ok. Sometimes that has to be good enough.

 

[Nancy]

I am sorry. If you have ever gone to an open AA or NA meeting you will hear stories just like yours. The lives they led while using are so far removed from who they really are when the are sober. Two completely different people. It is the drugs talking and acting. They hold the power over him.

I agree with TL, take care of yourself right now. It's heartbreaking for sure.

 

[BusynMember]

There are Hollywood Stars who go through millions. And stop.

Robert Downey Jr., one of my favorite actors and so cute!!! (am I too old for this?) also is clean and sober now and we all know how bad HE was. It can and is done all the time. It takes the right help and the will. The will is the most important part. And anyone can decide they are tired of that sort of life.

Your son can too. He's not there yet, b ut that doesn't mean he'll never get there.

 

[New Leaf]

Sea, I am so sorry you are going through this, no, really, we are going through it. It is very hard and painful. My heart goes out to yours, a hurting warrior sister.

I've never been thru such torment in my life. It's impossible to completely ignore this and be happy. I'm doing what everyone says - detaching, focusing on me but it's my only child and he is slowly torturing me as I know I'm going to get that call he's headed to jail or prison or he's overdosed and died.

There are going to be some very, very tough days, that is the reality I have come to. We are detaching, by not allowing this to go on in our homes, but there is still turmoil in our hearts. I am appalled by the lifestyle my two have chosen, and at the same time also very frightened for the possible outcome of their choice. These are churning emotions, anger, dismay, fear, mixed in with deep love for my children. Knowing how to deal with all of this will take a lot of work.

I went for a walk this morning, it has been awhile, I have gone through a stage of a sort of paralysis, just stuck, you know? I think I have gone through stuck many times in in different forms. One of the biggest, stuck enabling. So I thought, as I walked and it felt hard, but good too, what if like the third law of Newton the law of motion, Every action has a reaction", there is also a law of E-motion, emotion. So we bounce from angry, to sad, to regaining ourselves, to some sort of joy, so on and so forth.

I went into the pit again on Saturday, when Rain suddenly appeared. I was already experiencing a lot of stuff, with hubs going into the hospital, boys concert. It just seems that things all kind of pile up, you know? Then boom-there she was. It sends me into this dark place, Sea. I go through all sorts of feelings and layers of feelings.
It feels to me like when I used to surf, struggle hard to get on the wave,
catch it, stand up, such fun, and then
BOOM!
Totally eat it.
When you eat it on a good sized wave,
you get pummeled, and tossed,
sometimes your body is tossing and turning, you don't know which way is up and you are running out of air.

That is what this whole thing feels like to me, when I go down that deep pit of despair.

This eating it out surfing has happened to me many times. Thankfully, I was able to scratch to the surface, just as I felt oxygen depleted, to come up and take a great gasp of air.
Despair-Air.
Action-reaction.
Motion-Emotion.

I do believe I will be going through these feelings again, but I am hoping, each time, I will come back stronger, wiser, and ready to get back on my board, and ride the waves.

My face is really starting to show signs of a mom who has been put thru hell. I don't recognize myself anymore.

This is temporary Sea, you will feel better. Feel what you have to feel, let it flow. It will get better.

I really want to get back to surfing. Not big waves, smaller, gentler ones.

You know, when I read the part of you looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself, I thought of how disheveled and out of sorts everything is after eating it on a big wave.
Hair every which way, bathing suit all kapakahi (really displaced on the body) Just a mess.

Out there in the ocean, I have to get it together, If I stayed in the place that I ate it, I am just going to get slapped upside my head again, with the next wave.

Okay, I have never surfed waves this big.
But you know what Sea? With this thing with our d cs? We ARE surfing the heaviest wave in the world,
it is a no-wonder we despair.

You are going to be okay Sea, we are going to be okay.

All of this stuff we are going through, will make us stronger, and we will get to that place, when we eat it, we will straighten out our swim suits and our hair,
quicker and quicker,
get back on our boards and paddle out to ride the next wave.

Breathe Sea

Despair- AIR!

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[toughlovin]

Leafy... I love this image of surfing. I am not a surfer but I do like to body surf and swim in the ocean and so I can feel this image.

And it is so true.... I keep hoping we will get to that place of calm ocean for a long eextended period of time...... hasnt happened yet although we get short spurts when our son is in treatment (or in jail). I have learned to take those calm times and treasure them and to sleep well then.

And Sea..... I think with every fall, every period of despair I recover more quickly. it used to be that I would get depressed and feel unable to function for days and days.... and now when something happens it knocks me for a loop for a day and then I found ways to get back to functioning at least..... and I have found things that please me and make me happy so that even in those times of despair I find things that make me happy....and keep me doing ok.

And in the worst times my only goal is to remain ok and to function.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Thank you ALL for responding to my post. I come home from work and read what all of you have said and it keeps me afloat. Thank you so much. Sometimes I feel like a broken record writing and repeating the same stuff over and over but you guys are always there to respond and give me gentle advice. It means so much and helps me more than you'll ever know.

I read all of your posts, take a breather and think a while, re-read and absorb everything that you are telling me. I totally agree with you all about detaching and you are so right about how we suffer more than the addict because we worry and want to fix them. But there is nothing we can do. I know that and am telling myself that over and over.

The one thing I keep struggling with is "Never give up on family". Am I giving up on my son by detaching and just letting whatever might happen to him happen? I think of Barbara Eden. She was a single mom with an only son, Michael, and he had just become involved with a lovely girl and she thought he was getting back on the right track but then he O.D.'d. All the addicts that recover and do well, there are those who don't and end up dead.

Either way I've accepted this, I'm not in denial at all. I know my son is living dangerously and the worst can happen. But now, after trying to reach out to him and being cussed at, hung up on, and called every name at the book.... I can't do a damn thing for him nor do I want to anymore. I do spend more hours NOT focused on him but then that moment of panic hits or someone talking about their kid coming home from college or whatnot, it hits. That wipeout on the wave Leafy mentions. It's truly like surfing Leafy, you can be riding along just fine, even thinking you're conquering the crest and doing ok, then wipeout. (By the way Leafy - way to go getting out and taking a little walk - keep doing that, even if it's 10 minutes).

I dunno, I just pray that all my dead family members are angels watching over my son somehow as all I want is for him to stay alive. He can't live with me ever again, I can't have a relationship with him while he is addicted and hateful and he must fend for himself. I can't help him - I know that. I have to just get thru the moments of worry and panic then return to my life and keep moving forward and keep detaching.

 

[Tymica]

The one thing I keep struggling with is "Never give up on family". Am I giving up on my son by detaching and just letting whatever might happen to him happen? I think of Barbara Eden. She was a single mom with an only son, Michael, and he had just become involved with a lovely girl and she thought he was getting back on the right track but then he O.D.'d. All the addicts that recover and do well, there are those who don't and end up dead.

I struggled with this for the entire time my son and I had no contact. Granted, it wasn't a long time (about 3 months). But it didn't help that his bio dad called and told me basically that if I wanted peace, I guess I could have it when my son was dead because I wouldn't help him (same guy who has never ever paid a dime in child support mind you). What it came down to for me was this-- I love my son, I want the best for him. The door was open for him when he chose to treat me like I would expect anyone else to treat me: with some respect as a fellow human being. But just because I talked to him and made sure he knew I loved him didn't mean he would choose to change. So periodically, I would just text or message and say "Hey, love you." the end. I love you with no conditions, no care about your addiction or what is really going on because you're just going to lie anyway, etc... Of course, he is still struggling and nothing I do will change that. But that little contact let me have the peace I needed because it kept the door cracked, and if the day ever comes that he does decide to change, he knows I haven't turned my back on him, only on the drama his addiction causes.

 

[toughlovin]

This is similar to the stand I have taken with my son.... so my stand is I will help him when he is helping himself, I won't when he is not. I continue to let him know I love him but if he gets nasty or abusive I tell him I won't talk to him and hang up. Now it is true there are times when he has played us and acted like he was doing the right thing and so in a sense we enabled him....but at the same time when he was sincerely ready for help for himself he came to us.

 

[InsaneCdn]

The one thing I keep struggling with is "Never give up on family". Am I giving up on my son by detaching and just letting whatever might happen to him happen?

It's hard to draw the line between our child and the addict. We don't really give up on our child. But we MUST detach from the addict. Until the child is ready to fight the addict... all we can do is hold on to our love for the child. To enable the addict is to work against the child we love.

 

[lovemyson1]

Just wanna give my love and support. So sorry for all you're going through. It is the addict not your son who is doing this to himself. His addiction is ruling his life. If he was ever to get clean he would be completely different. I'm hoping that he comes to his bottom and gets help fast! You are not wrong to detach. It is what we have to do. It's the hardest thing to do, but there is no good in torturing yourself and he will just manipulate you to get his way. I've been there. Letting go is a peace that is somewhat false but you have no choice until he truly wants help. There is hope, please don't give up hope. ((hugs))

 

[1905]

I wish I could talk to my son but he just wants to "Hang up now" so I can't do anything and I have to be fine and I actually am fine. I can't be him and fix things. Although I have fixed too much and maybe ruined him. I tried, my guilt is immeasurable. My own son, the first son, was shot by a cop. Right now I'm speaking of #3 son, I feel bad. Hugs to you too.

 

[New Leaf]

Sea you are going to be alright.
Hang in there sister....
(((HUGS)))
leafy