It never ends..

[Mouseyone]

Hi all,
You all most generously helped me some years ago. Unfortunately the situation has turned worse. My son is 25 and schizophrenic. He held a job and was doing well until last November. He takes 1 shot a month and it’s extremely hard to get him to take that. He stopped his medications for three months and everything spiraled downward. He took his shot last month but is refusing this months. He lost his job, a bunch of weight and I suspect he using and selling drugs. He lives with his father who is extremely difficult to live with or deal with. I cannot communicate with his father as he is extremely disrespectful to me. My son is out in the streets, unmediated and he also is very disrespectful. My blood pressure is high and I cannot sleep. I have prayed for years to no avail. I am so tired and don’t know what to do. I reached out to my son and let him know when he was ready I would help him. But he has no insight or desire to change. I am at my emotional and physical breaking point. Thanks for reading.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi there. I am so so sorry. I wish I had good answers for you but I am not familiar with schizophrenia. I do know it requires medications but so many with mental illness will not take medications. There is not much you can do if he won't help himself. I know that doesn't help.


I can share a few things that helped us. First of all therapy sent us in the right direction. We had stopped doing much beside work and home but we went back to church, groups and friends again. Now that we are mostly home we started new hobbies and binge on TV, something we have never done. We pick out a book, both read it and discuss the book. We see our other kids and laugh at how we look in masks and we socially distance. I Zoom with my girlfriend's.

Taking the focus off of the troubled child and onto me honestly helped so much. So did therapy and Nar Anon.

I send prayers and hugs.

 

[Mouseyone]

Thank you so very much Busy for your response. I’m in therapy but feel so stuck. I am literally at my wits end. I try and try to move distract my mind yet I’m finding it difficult.

 

[Deni D]

Mousey ~ I understand the hamster wheel (kind of a play on your user name, funny, not funny, I don't know) your mind is on continuously. That's searching for a way to take control of something you just can't control. I still do that and then use meditation and distractions to get away from it a bit.

I know that shot you speak of, it won't work even if he's just drinking so you are probably right that something else is going on.

My son went into a downward spiral years ago. But somehow he still survives so us thinking the worst will happen really is that it "can" happen. All we can do is pray the right situation/person comes along who will influence them to do something positive for themselves. Take care of yourself when you can.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Mouse

Many of us are in similar straits; terrified for our children who lack the capacity or will to keep themselves safe or to choose to live in ways that would help them be stable let alone protected. We have tried and tried to prop them up, set them straight, and guide them in the right direction. Doing this we have become distraught, spent, weary, desperate, and depressed. And still, our kids keep on keeping on. They go where their illnesses drive them which is typically to escape through drugs into a vagabond, exposed lifestyle.

We try with inconsistent results to keep ourselves safe, our attention diverted and our doors bolted. We alternate between grief and fear, and a sense of respite. We feel safe when we make distance from our beloved children. We feel peace when we are not preoccupied with endless worry.

At some point, we begin to accept. The raging boil of dread and fear becomes a low boil, and then in time a simmer. We can have longer and longer periods where we feel centered in our own lives and only briefly throughout the day, remember that our beloved children are out there. When I think of my son now it is involuntary with little pleasure, largely pain. The involuntary clutch of fear like when one hears a sound outside in the night; a quick falling within me, of alarm. Yet very quickly now I return to my center and try to put the thoughts and feelings back in their place.

All of the love is still there. Somewhere, too is hope. But the reality is pain, worry, and grief. And this I have to marginalize.

I have found acceptance. The hardest thing for me is how to think about my own life when 30 years of love and hope for my son has been its center. Quickly I put away thoughts like this because they are not helpful. I return to my own center, reminding myself that I am able to understand very little of the universe, and nothing about why things happen. I am here for only a very short time, and I am here to do my best and to find joy. That is all I know. I haven't found a better way to do this.

Welcome. I am glad you found us. I hope that you stay.

 

[Mouseyone]

Thank you all for your words..truly helps immensely. I am taking it minute by minute..that all I can do now.

 

[Deni D]

Minute to minute is a place I think we have all been in, I have often. You can't do anything about the situation but you can try a little to do something for you. Like put on a jacket and walk outside and around your house 5 times. If you live in a warmer climate take you shoes and socks off and do it. Just something to force you to feel beyond what has you captured at the moment.

 

[MissLulu]

Mousey, just popping in here to say hello. Like many of us here I have felt what you are feeling now - at the end of my rope.

My son also has a mental illness. He's officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but there's something else as well, which may or may not be diagnosed (I don't know because I'm not privy to his medical information.) If I were to take an educated guess, I would say he has borderline personality disorder, but I don't know that for sure. Not that the label matters in the end, what matters is the behaviour, and my son's behaviour truly perplexes me at times. Like your son, mine sometimes refuses his medication and he goes in and out of treatment. I accept there is nothing I can do about this. He is 25 years old and doesn't live with me.

I tell you all of this to let you know you are not alone.

When I first started posting here I was a mess. I was anxious and depressed and spent all day every day focused on my son. My son hasn't changed. He goes through good phases and not so good, but even in the good phases I know that a bad phase is only a heartbeat away. He has a mental illness that he chooses not to treat at times. That isn't going to magically go away. What HAS changed is me. I've accepted that I have no control over outcomes for him. I have stepped back and am allowing him to make all his decisions (both good and bad) without getting in his way or "helping". This has been hard at times, especially when I see him doing things that I know will lead to a negative outcome, but since I have been less involved, he has actually stepped up and taken responsibility for some things.

I am less focused on my son than I used to be. I still love him (of course) and I still think about him and worry about him but he's not all think about these days. I get that same bolt of fear that Copa described when I catch myself worrying about him. I spend much of my time distracted with work and my other kids, but then something will trigger me and I get a zap of fear or anxiety. But I can usually force myself to put the worry aside and live in the moment.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, no matter what happens with your son, there is hope for you. Hope that it's possible to live through having a child like this and even to live well. It's painful to live with children like these in our lives, but now that they are adults I believe we should try our very best to hand over the reins to them and focus on ourselves.

Keep posting, Mousey. It helps.

 

[Csmom]

Mouseyone,

I understand your feeling of a breaking point. My son is bipolar and is about to be homeless again. It breaks my heart. My husband and I have helped him over and over again. We just can’t financially help him anymore. He doesn’t want to help himself. Actually, I don’t know if he doesn’t want to or he isn’t capable. I have been reading on this website for a very long time. It has helped me so much to hear I am not alone. I guess I need to start my own thread but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. We love our children and we are powerless over their choices. Hang in there.

 

[BusynMember1]

Oh C. I so get your angst. Can they do it? It's a hard question for those of us with bright kids who still struggle. I know my daughter has mental illness. I also know mentally ill folks who work, get help and try. Same with those with learning disabilities. I believe Kay has both but I am NOT convinced she can not get a job. I AM convinced that she doesn't try to get help and thrive more. I know that working is not something she cares about doing.

My daughter is finally on Social Security and Medicaid with food stamps. She is homeless. I always hope that she and her unmotivated husband decide to work too in spite of getting Social Security. Will she? Can she?

I don't know. I give it to God.

Hugs and love