It's all turned to...

[Nomad]

you know what.
I'm happy for the very good day the other day.
difficult child came over late today.
I had purchased two dresses for her in the wedding colors. I was even willing to modify one at the tailor in a way that she wanted to "cutomize" it a bit. She was to pick the one she preferred and if she wanted, we woud take it to the tailor for any alterations...even major customzed ones.

However, she went "ballistic" about it all. She was totally unreasonable. She wanted a completely custom dress from the beginning and husband said no due to expenses. As it turned out, I got her nice dresses anyway...only a little cheaper.

We also bought her many other nice things to wear...plus the shoes she wanted and matching purse. She picked most of these things herself from a catalog.

I bought her some make up and some nice little things to go in her purse. Had hair, nail, etc. apts. lined up.

difficult child was totally unappreciative and worse. She was hysterical and made no sense about things.

When I called her on some of that...the few moments I could get through to her...she said she was not to blame for any of it since she forgot to take her medications last night.

She wont acknowledge, that this a choice.

For the most part, husband and I have decided to nix her invite. We have calls in to professionals to double check our decsion.

difficult child stormed out of my home in a very ugly manner, saying some very weird things. One thing she said was that she didn't want to go to the wedding 'cause I didn't buy her a nice dress...she said she wanted a "halter" top and that I had promised this I never promised this and difficult child is very very large on top...makes no sense.

by the way, she did not want to go shopping with us and the dresses we got all make much sense...style, color, pattern, etc. (too long of a story to go into here...and I'm willing to modify one to her liking). However, she is not being reasonable in the least.

It is mental llness combned with enitlement, combined with low self esteem. It is an ugly, no win scenario and I really dont think think it is fair to easy child. I also am not entirely convinced that difficult child herself is up to it all.

I feel wasted once again.

 

[Suz]

That's really unfortunate. I suspect the stress has gotten to her too, Nomad.

Good luck with your decisions.

Suz

 

[Nomad]

Yes, Suz I would agree.

 

[recovering doormat]

so sorry to hear of all the turmoil, especially when you went to so much trouble for her. It's frustrating, you get angry, but you also have to chalk some of it up to the emotional illness.

My kids have missed out on many social occasions because of meltdowns, in my son's case, his anxiety had a lot to do with it. My girls are just spoiled you-know-whats. I do my best to try to go forward and have a good time myself and not get more stressed than necessary. But it's hard.

Hugs.

 

[Hound dog]

((hugs))

Does sound like the stress of the event is getting to her.

 

[jbrain]

Hi Nomad,
so sorry to hear this. Your difficult child sounds a lot like the difficult children in a parent support group I used to be in for parents of kids with borderline personality disorder. Very distorted thinking. Seems that no matter what you do it will be wrong!
Hugs,
Jane

 

[ML]

Big hugs Nomad. I'm sorry, I know how exhausting this must be for you. This stuff drains the life force out of you. Love, ML

 

[DammitJanet]

Well you tried!

I think I know why your post struck such a nerve with me.

I have no siblings except for my steps and they didnt come into the picture until after we were all grown but we had all known each other while we were growing up because our mothers were best friends before their mom and my dad got married. Yes...confusing.

I knew who there were but we werent close friends or anything. (Though I did date my middle step-brother for a week or two!)

When my step-sister got married the first time I was invited to the wedding. Just me. Not my SO or any of my kids even though there were a few other kids there. My dad put me up in a hotel and gave me money to purchase a nice dress for the occasion. I always wondered why I wasnt invited to be in the wedding in some small way considering MY FATHER walked her down the isle. It really hurt me inside to see my father walking another girl down that isle when he never did that for me. And yes I know that was my choice based on choices I have made in my life. But still...I dont think anyone even thought about how I would feel watching that. I dont think they have ever considered it to this day.

Of course, I never said anything and I would have never acted out. It wasnt my place. Any tears they saw were assumed to be happy tears for my sister. And it was a beautiful ceremony. I dont think anyone meant to be mean to me.

 

[Nomad]

One of the reasons I do WW, is a quote by the founder....
"It's choice, not chance, the determines your destiny."

It's a hard pill to swallow.

Sometimes, I get to my daughter when I say to her..."The drama being created here is too much for me and those around you." or something like that. I tell her as nicely as I can that the drama SHE is causing/or helping to create is making others unhappy and/or uncomfortable. Creating drama is almost always a choice. People often can let one or even a few poor choices go by, but more than that is asking much...probably too much.

husband asked difficult child is going to the wedding was causing her too much anxiety. She said it was. We asked her if she would prefer NOT to go and right away she sai "yes." We suggested that we might take her to her favorte restaurant upon our return. She liked that idea alot. She "seems" fine wit the idea of staying home. She does not seem sad...she seems almost relieved.

To my surprise, our son seems a little sad and a little conflicted. He is riding the roller coaster...with me.

I am sooo tired...so sick of it. But I also understand. It is ashame. I can tell you that I have tried my hardest...but I can't do it all.

I feel sad that difficult children choices are limited, but I do wish she would take the choices she has at her disposal and work within her limitations. She doesn't always do that.

I am hurting at the moment...but know it can and will get better. Good thoughts/prayers greatly appreciated.

 

[DammitJanet]

Maybe she is relieved to not have to go and be part of something that big. Maybe it is to anxiety driven for her. Maybe there is something she could do that is wedding related that she could do from her home for her brother and his new wife that would make her feel like she was giving a contribution to making them happy. Maybe something like a scrapbook of pictures. Or make a cd of their favorite songs.

 

[Nomad]

Janet...
Those are good ideas...particularly the cd of their favorite songs.
Thank you.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, I am so sorry, Nomad.
It's true, a lot of our g'sfg miss out on things because of their issues, but in this case, it's even more personal and poignant because it's another family member, and will be a family memory forever.
I like Janet's ideas.

 

[svengandhi]

Can she go as just a guest and not participate in the service if that is what is stressing her?

 

[Nomad]

She was not asked to participate, nor was she asked to help out at the wedding.
She was simply asked to wear the same color as the bridal party.
She seemed to like this idea. Shrtly following the request, she started to fall apart about literally everything...her weight, her clothes,her life, the drive to the wedding...even though much was being done in an attempt to accomodate her needs. Her anxiety is through he roof...much of this might have to do with it being an "out of town"wedding. It's all such ashame...I'm really "feelig it." It is a stuck between a rock and a hard place type of situation. I worry that she will regret this later. However, she shows no concern. She shows no remorse for her bad behaviior the other day, nor has she asked about it. Instead, she has been precccupied with oddiities. More oddities than usual. I wonder if she is trying to not listen to the little voice inside her telling her that she could do better than this...but I digress. Certainly, I have tried many, many times to help her to help herself. This, sadly, appears to be a time that she must help herself, but doesn't seem to be able to do it. AND, she hasn't asked for help. I am forlorn, but am doing my best to accept it. The risks are too great...it was always a concern...but the percentages toppled when she acted so inappappropriately the other day. She is 21 years old. She is accountable for her actions/behaviors. If she needs help to act a certain way to do the right thing, she can always ask for assistance. She has not done that. She has not been communicative, but instead has been negative, unappreciative, demanding and filled with anxiety. easy child has worked too hard. He deserves a his special, happy day...and certainly deserves peace.

 

[DammitJanet]

If she is too filled with anxiety to go...maybe she shouldnt. We dont know why she is anxious. There could be many things. Maybe she is scared of losing her brother. Maybe she is afraid she will cry in front of people. Who knows.

At this point I think asking her what she thinks she would like to do to show the happy couple that she loves them and is happy for them would be the best thing. There are a lot of things she could do...before and after the wedding. Even if it is nothing more than calling her brother that morning or afternoon and telling him she loves him and is happy for him. Or getting one of those recordable cards to give to him.

 

[Nomad]

Thank you Janet.

On a positive note, difficult child called today to apologize for her bad behavior the other day. She left a brief message on my cell phone message.

 

[DammitJanet]

Wow...how great that was. She recognized that she was being a PITA! LOL. Big step.

Ya know...maybe she sees all this wedding glitz stuff and it brings home to her that this isnt happening to her and maybe it never will? Poor girl...she has plenty of time to meet Mr. Right but you know how it is when you are young.