It's happening again.....

[TearyEyed]

Hi all,

I have been away from this site for a couple of years. My now 22 year old son was doing well for about 2 1/2 years but its happening again. I got a phone call from him yesterday. He is in jail in another state. I only talked to him for a minute and he would not give me any details. All he wanted was for me to call his boss at the new job he was supposed to start today to let him know he wouldn't be there. I looked up the jail where my son is and found out he is there for robbery with a deadly weapon.

I can barely breath. Or move. Or function. Its like I can't feel my body. I don't think I can do this. Not again. I am numb. I am so grateful for this site. I feel safe when I read the wisdom and guidance that all of you provide. For now, I think this is the only way to see me through. Knowing I am not alone.

I just can't believe this is happening. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I don't know how I can live the rest of my life like this.

 

[pigless in VA]

Welcome back, Teary Eyed.

I'm sorry your son has taken a turn for the worse. It isn't your fault. Maybe this is the first step on the road to making big life changes for you son.

Do something really nice for yourself today. Something you normally find very relaxing. You are suffering from the shock, and you need some self TLC. Many warm hugs.

 

[seek]

It's so hard as parents or relatives to get such shocking news. I can't even imagine what you are going through. There is also a site for parents of people in prison that might offer some support.

Try to feel your feelings, cry, whatever it is you need to do and then focus loving-care on yourself.

Stay strong.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I'm so sorry, Teary. I agree, do something nice for yourself. Come here and vent/update all you need, and let us know how you're doing.

One thing that I see as a positive is that your son didn't try to pull you into anything, he called and made a request that was pretty simple. He didn't ask you for anything else - money, bail, a lawyer, nothing. To me, that shows he is taking some responsibility for what he did. Of course, it also could have been manipulation to worry you, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here since you say he's been doing well. Progress.

Sending lots of love and light your way.

 

[Fran]

I'm so sorry. It is paralyzing to think that someone you raised and nurtured would threaten someone with a weapon. Just know you aren't alone. We all carry so many scars and lug the baggage of having a gig.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Teary,

I'm so sorry!! It's so frustrating and heartbreaking when our difficult adult kids are doing better then backslide into chaos.
Take some time to step back and breathe. Yes, the rug has been pulled out from under you but you will get back up and regain your balance. Give some thought to your boundaries, think about what you will and will not tolerate from your son. Hopefully he will not try and manipulate you into giving him money or bailing him out but it's better to be prepared on what you will say to him should he ask.

Remember, you do not have to get sucked back into the drama and chaos. This is his mess not yours.

I'm so glad you reached out to us. ((HUGS)) to you..................

 

[recoveringenabler]

Teary, I'm so sorry. Other than make the call, there isn't anything else you can do for your son.

It's a sucker punch to the gut to get that kind of news....it's shocking and throws us far out of balance. Put the focus on yourself now and make sure you get YOUR needs met.

Take care of YOU. You may want to give NAMI a call. The National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have excellent parent courses for us which can provide support, guidance, information, resources, etc. You can access them online. They have chapters in many cities.

You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, perhaps it will offer you some solace.

Take deep breaths. If you can, get outside and take a walk......reach out in your support network for some kindness......show up at a 12 step meeting to be around others.....keep yourself well supported.

You have the power to choose your response......that's all the power you have......choose to take care of yourself......

Sending you hugs.

 

[RN0441]

Sorry to hear this.

I'm sure after 2.5 years you thought you could let your breath out!

Hugs.

 

[pasajes4]

Sorry to hear this. I hope he learns from this.

 

[TearyEyed]

My son just called. And tried to tell me the "story" of why he was arrested. Apparently he had just gotten home from work and he and his girlfriend were just hanging out having a good time. Then suddenly some "guy" appears at their front door and some kind of confrontation takes place. The "guy" then calls the police and tells that that my son stole his money and "other stuff". I have no idea where the "weapon" comes into play. I don't buy a single word he said. He has a court hearing tomorrow morning so I guess I'll find out more then.

Wow.

Thank you for all the messages and support. It helps sooooooo much!!

 

[Littleboylost]

I SMH. It is incredible the amount of stories they can weave that are so ludicrously slapped togeather and unbelievable.
This guy they all refer to is quite some guy.
I get an awful lot of stories that involve this guy.
Face palm.
Good luck and stay strong. He may be your Monkey but it's not your circus.

 

[BusynMember]

The shaggy haired stranger, as it is called in Ann Rules true crime books. The suspect didnt do it. Instead a shaggy haired stranger did it.
I still remember ridiculous stories my daughter once told me. Any drugs found were not hers. She was "holding them" for somebody. When i found a bong in our car, well, dang, somebody put it there to get her in trouble. Blah, blah, blah.

As my daughter tells me now, twelve years off coke and meth, "Never believe a druggie. They lie all the time." I must note that Daughter does not make up stories anymore.

I cant imagine a drug addict being afraid of drugs...sounds like a bogus reason for not going to shelters. I volunteered at one. My guess is hard and fast rules about no drug use put off those who cant go a night without smoking, snorting or injecting.

Your brain on drugs.

 

[pasajes4]

Wait.....did you say"that guy"? Well shut my mouth and call me Shirley! He just left here. He came by the house while I was gone and went through the mail in the mailbox (neighbor saw my son). Son says, "Maybe "some guy" was looking for checks or something."

 

[Littleboylost]

Wait.....did you say"that guy"? Well shut my mouth and call me Shirley! He just left here. He came by the house while I was gone and went through the mail in the mailbox (neighbor saw my son). Son says, "Maybe "some guy" was looking for checks or something."

 

[DoneDad]

The "some dude" defense. They all use it. Some dude gave it to me, some dude broke in and I tried to stop him, etc.

 

[Littleboylost]

The "some dude" defense. They all use it. Some dude gave it to me, some dude broke in and I tried to stop him, etc.

And they are just so appalled that we don't believe them.

 

[Copabanana]

Take a deep breath. Then another. Another. Sometimes that's all I can do. I turn up CNN and try to drown out everything in my head while I read and post here.

I am so so sorry this is happening to you.

 

[Albatross]

Teary, I too am so very sorry this is happening to you. It seems sometimes that as soon as the scabs start to heal, they get ripped off again. This is NOT ON YOU. This is your son. I know it's not easy to remember that, because when they hurt, we bleed. But this is on him, not you.

These comments about "some guy" are hysterical. If we can ever find this guy, we won't need these forums anymore.

 

[Littleboylost]

I am so happy to be able to laugh again. Things are not better, things are not easier, but I have found a village of wise shamen/women that have taught me the ways of coping with addiction. It's so good to laugh.
I lost that ability, as my sons affliction and addiction robbed me of my joy and my health.

I bought flowers today. I have been in numb functioning mode for so long. I found no joy in anything. My flower beds were bare. I didn't plant a thing. I am sure I am forgiven.

Simple pleasures are back again.

I can not imagine the road you have traveled only to wind up back in the same spot. I have seen and heard the strength of parents and know we bind bond and protect each other.

Stay strong Teary. You don't own this.

 

[TearyEyed]

So.....my son is possibly facing 2+ years in prison for his latest stunt. He is in jail in another state. His next court hearing is Sept 12 and unless he gets bailed out, he will sit there until then. After that who knows what will happen or what his sentence will be. I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I AM NOT bailing him out this time. On any level, financially, emotionally, etc. I know that I cannot do it. I have made up my mind. I don't want to visit him or see him. I will accept his phone calls so that I can tell him I love him. That is all I am willing to do. I can't go down the rabbit hole with him again and the only way to avoid that is to keep my distance. My sister (I do think she has good intentions, she just still doesn't get it) has decided that she is going to fly out and visit him. She asked if I wanted to go. I told her no, that I am not interested in seeming him right now. But, she thinks I should give it some thought and mentioned that we could be there for his hearing. What part of I don't want to see my son is unclear? It makes it all the more difficult trying to detach and stay sane when there are people in the background giving their two cents about what I should or should not do. She has been through this with him before, but she is in the military and was deployed during many of the MAJOR Crisis' I have had with him. She just does not understand the full impact of what I have endured and how painful it is to continue on with this insanity.

I do not want to go. I do not want to see him. And I want my sister to respect my wishes. Now I am sitting here at work, questioning myself. Wondering. Feeling Guilty. Doubting. I would really like to go off the radar somewhere far, far away. I don't want to deal with any of this. Please tell me it is o.k for me to not see my son, to disengage from this mess and to trust myself and my decisions.

This is all just so confusing.............................