Just a few thoughts running around in my head

[Californiablonde]

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationships, past and present. I'm talking about boyfriends, fiancées, friends, friends with benefits, family members, and acquaintances. In my late teens/early twenties, I was young and naïve and thought that just because I was honestly the nicest, sweetest person on earth, who treated everybody with respect, I would get treated the same way. After a couple of hard lessons from boyfriends I fell deeply in love with, only to have them use me and cheat on me, it showed me that just because I showed other people consideration, didn't mean I would I would get it back in return.

Added to that, I have had a couple of REALLY good friends, friends who I have had for years, suddenly stab me in the back, and disown me. The reasons being, my kids are a couple of losers for being disabled and they don't want me in there lives anymore. And yes, one of them actually called my kids losers. And I don't even want to bring up how badly my family members have betrayed me. That's a whole other story and I don't want to rehash it now.

Okay so my point is, I have hardened over the years. I once expected consideration and respect from everyone, because that's what I was giving out, but now I expect nothing. Literally, NOTHING. I won't put myself through more disappointment, I am naturally a giving person, and I won't quit being that way, but I am no longer expecting anything from anybody else. I am giving out of the kindness of my own heart, and if someone returns the favor? Great. If they don't? Typical and I expected it anyway.

I am beginning to think I have been doing myself a disservice all these years. I am no longer trusting and naïve, but I have now come to the point where I don't trust anybody. Literally nobody. This includes current friends of mine, who I am keeping close watch on, and everybody else. So... since I don't expect anything anymore, I am getting exactly what I wanted, which is nothing. People now know I don't expect anything, so they are using me up and treating me however they feel like, which most of the time isn't very good.

I am especially noticing this with men. They are cowards, for lack of a better word. I would say something else, but I don't want to use that word here. They come into my life, become a part of my life, stay around for a few months, then leave unannounced without any explanation. This has been happening to me since my first real serious boyfriend when I was 17. Every man who followed, including my kids dad, has done the same. Yes, you read that right. My kids' dad, who I was friends with for years, then together with him for 9 years, and having two kids together, just left and didn't contact me for weeks. No explanation. Just refused my phone calls and texts.

He also stopped seeing my kids for awhile, then texted randomly several months later to see if I would let him take the kids for a day. Every other relationship? Same thing. I don't just mean boyfriends and fiancées either. I am also talking about men who I am only friends with, nothing romantic, who decide to move on without explanation. I have come to expect people leaving my life without any closure. Doesn't mean I like it, but I expect it.

I am not so sure that is the attitude I should have anymore. Am I asking too much from these people, and I am mostly talking about the men I am romantically involved with here, by expecting an explanation before they just exit my life? These are the men I have been with for months. All of a sudden, one day they are there, our last conversation is, "Talk to you tomorrow, sweetheart," Then suddenly nothing. They disappear. I am left with no closure. I don't like not having closure, but I am seriously asking here should I get some? Is that too much to ask for? Or is this normal and I should just go on expecting life to go on, without any explanation from these men?

I have hardened my heart so badly over the last 15 years, that I don't even know what's normal anymore. Oh, and by the way, if they were to explain to me why they are breaking up with me, I would accept it with dignity and move on. I may not like it, but I would deal with it, get my closure, and move forward. Just because I am bipolar doesn't mean I am going to go psycho on these men. I don't do that. I'm not like that.

Most of these men don't even know I'm bipolar because I never tell them, and I have been pretty stable for the last 12 years. I still have my anxiety problems, but that doesn't mean I will go postal on anybody Oh, and I am only talking about men here. The women in my life have no problem telling me F**k you to my face. It's the men who disappear without any apparent reason. So where is the fine line between expecting too much, and expecting too little? I wonder.

 

[BusynMember]

I suspect you pick people to be in your life who are not worthy of you, both male and female. Some men are charming sweet talkers with no substance to them and no ability to form real attachments and some women, for various reasons are more comfortable with that than with deeper men who are capable of true love. I don't know if this is like your men or not. Or if you fear true intimacy. They are just examples. Some women who we befriend can't form intimacy either and can be only shallow, false friends. Mean too. But that isn't a real friend, is it?

Maybe you need to be more mindful of whom you allow into your precious life. You deserve deep, meaningful, empathetic people in your life...people who truly value you.on a deep level.

No real friend would dump you because your children are disabled. That's no friend! That's an idiot!

I have found it possible to find quality friends, although only a few, and a top notch husband who will never leave me. I am no more special than you, but perhaps I am better at only allowing quality people into my life. by the way, I made many goofs in my younger days. I had to learn a true person from a fraud. Frauds can be very good actors.
Always remember this about a possible love relationship. "If it seems to good to be true, it is."
You can learn to be careful and go for quality, not shallow pretenders.

Much love to you.

 

[Littleboylost]

Well said SWOT. I would agree. I am a very Codependent person and I have found in dealing with my son that I am codependent in other ways as well.

Try to look at what you want in a relationship and see if that is what has been in past relationships. If not start working on why and how you can prevent that pattern from repeating itself.

Remember the past does not predict the future.

Warm hugs to you.

 

[AppleCori]

Cali,

How are you doing today?

Believe it or not, a lot of men have the same problems as you do with dating. Women also do the ghosting thing, or the slow fade. Don’t get discouraged.

Think of the first six months as really a time of evaluation. Get to know the person. Don’t dismiss the “red flags” or make excuses for bad behaviors. Don’t invest your emotions into the relationship too early.

How are things going with you, otherwise?

Apple

 

[Jabberwockey]

I suspect you pick people to be in your life who are not worthy of you, both male and female. Some men are charming sweet talkers with no substance to them and no ability to form real attachments and some women, for various reasons are more comfortable with that than with deeper men who are capable of true love. I don't know if this is like your men or not. Or if you fear true intimacy. They are just examples. Some women who we befriend can't form intimacy either and can be only shallow, false friends. Mean too. But that isn't a real friend, is it?

Well said. I learned a long time ago that its better to have one true friend that one hundred "acquaintances". At no point in my life have I ever had more than a half a dozen people I truly called friend. Some of them I haven't seen in years but we could get together again and go on like we saw each other just last week. Quantity may have a quality all its own, but not when it comes to relationships.

 

[Californiablonde]

Cali,

How are you doing today?

Believe it or not, a lot of men have the same problems as you do with dating. Women also do the ghosting thing, or the slow fade. Don’t get discouraged.

Think of the first six months as really a time of evaluation. Get to know the person. Don’t dismiss the “red flags” or make excuses for bad behaviors. Don’t invest your emotions into the relationship too early.

How are things going with you, otherwise?

Apple

Hi, Apple. I am doing okay, thanks for asking. A little more stressed this week due to fighting off a cough/cold for two weeks, and a lot more absences at work than usual. I am looking forward to some down time during break in a week. I hope all is well on your front.