Just now got this text from Young difficult child...

[InsaneCdn]

He is trying to claim that we helped his brother more than him...which is not true.

There's a half-truth here, which is the problem... his brother probably accepted more help, made better use of help, and therefore, has something to show for the help received. difficult child is probably looking for the same results - without his half of the effort.

You can't help someone who will not help themselves.

 

[lovemysons]

So true Insane,
Oldest difficult child struggled at first with Alcohol when he came out of prison. But then he started working hard and got together with a much older/more responsible woman and had a child (after his first marriage ended after only 3 months). He took the ball and ran. He did what was expected at the end of the day and set his "problems" aside for those he loves. Young difficult child has not done this. He try's and then gives up. He acts helpless at the end of the day.

I think difficult child wants us to take care of him for the rest of his life.
He says that if his dad were not in the picture that he is SURE that I would take care of him.
How sad is that? If I did not have husband who WILL stand up to difficult child's silliness I would be expected to house him, feed him, take care of him for life...while he continues to use.

Thank God I DO have husband and easy child.
I have to keep reminding myself AND him...He is almost Twenty Five Years Old! It is time to grow up!!!
LMS

 

[dstc_99]

My difficult child claims all the time that we treat easy child differently and that difficult child is never taken care of to the same extent. Well Duh! You scream and yell at me when I try to be supportive. You treat me like ****. You don't respect us or our hard work. Plus easy child is 5 years younger.

Remind him next time he pulls that **** that no two people are ever treated exactly the same way or given exactly the same things. Even twins have different personalities and therefore get different things and have different needs. No matter what don't let him make you feel bad for raising him as himself and his brother as his brother.

It would be different if you kept one child hidden in the basement while sending the other to Italy for a Fiat. But in most cases our difficult child's are simply comparing all the slights they imagine having happened. They never seem to be able to recall that while they needed $200 worth of sports accessories easy child didn't need any. Thats why easy child got a trip to the spa for her acne and difficult child got warm ups and pom poms for cheer. All they recall is that easy child got to go to the spa and they didn't.

 

[lovemysons]

My easy child deserves the best of the best...and she will shop at Goodwill for goodness sake!
difficult child's deserve the "leftovers" (least that's how I feel right now) and they EXPECT the best of the best, cream of the crop! I am so tired of hearing difficult child excuses for failure!

It's amazing that our difficult child's can compare themselves to their easy child siblings...who have gone through hell and back to survive their difficult child siblings antics!!! Makes me so mad for my easy child!
I just got through telling her how much I love her and how proud I am of her.
She takes no ****. She has learned well from her difficult child brothers...and REFUSES to be like them.
She is one determined gal and she can see right through their BS!!!

Young difficult child is just "Woe is me" right now.
He is not looking at this past year at all.
I wish I let him go to a halfway house when he first got out of prison.
I wish I had never helped him so much this past year.

LMS
ps...I vacillate right now between deep sadness and anger.

 

[Signorina]

I don't know what is going to happen next. He keeps upping the ante.
husband says it's like our oldest was when we were first trying to break him from sleeping in our bed as a toddler. He is banging on the crib, screaming, DEMANDING, that we continue on as we have.

I know I need to be stronger. I wish I wasn't always the one difficult child leans on.
I still feel weak and very emotional since the procedure...really the day before of the procedure.

difficult child will be 25 in 4 months.
How much longer can this craziness go on? I need to make this stop.
I am afraid of the "bottom". I am afraid it will mean death. I have got to stop projecting the worst.

LMS

I was cleaning up my bookmarks last night and I came across the parable below. I am relatively sure it was something that was passed along this board a year or more ago...and I bookmarked it because it spoke to me when I read it and then I promptly forgot all about it. Sometimes, there are no coincidences because it was fresh in my mind when I read your post today... the words and the message are hard to digest and go against the grain of motherhood but last night I ended up nodding to myself as it sunk in... it applies to so many situations in our lives and especially to our relationships with our adult children who want us to bear the responsibility for their poor choices. I hope it helps...

Rabbi Edwin Friedman tells the story of a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life.

After trying many things, succeeding at some and failing at others, he finally decided what he wanted.One day the opportunity came for him to experience exactly the way of living that he had dreamed about. But the opportunity would be available only for a short time. It would not wait, and it would not come again.

Eager to take advantage of this open pathway, the man started on his journey. With each step, he moved faster and faster. Each time he thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; and with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor.

As he hurried along, he came to a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. The bridge spanned high above a dangerous river.

After starting across the bridge, he noticed someone coming the opposite direction. The stranger seemed to be coming toward him to greet him. A the stranger grew closer, the man could discern that they didn't know each other, but yet they looked amazingly similar. They were even dressed alike. The only difference was that the stranger had a rope wrapped many times around his waist. If stretched out, the rope would reach a length of perhaps thirty feet.
The stranger began to unwrap the rope as he walked. Just as the two men were about to meet, the stranger said, 'Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end of the rope for me?'

The man agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

'Thank you,' said the stranger. He then added, 'Two hands now, and remember, hold tight.' At that point, the stranger jumped off the bridge.

The man on the bridge abruptly felt a strong pull from the now-extended rope. He automatically held tight and was almost dragged over the side of the bridge.

'What are you trying to do?' he shouted to the stranger below.

'Just hold tight,' said the stranger.

This is ridiculous, the man thought. He began trying to haul the other man in. Yet it was just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.
Again he yelled over the edge, 'Why did you do this?'
'Remember,' said the other, 'if you let go, I will be lost.'

'But I cannot pull you up,' the man cried.

'I am your responsibility,' said the other.

'I did not ask for it,' the man said.

'If you let go, I am lost,' repeated the stranger.

The man began to look around for help. No one was within sight.

He began to think about his predicament. Here he was eagerly pursuing a unique opportunity, and now he was being sidetracked for who knows how long.

Maybe I can tie the rope somewhere, he thought. He examined the bridge carefully, but there was no way to get rid of his new found burden.
So he again yelled over the edge, 'What do you want?'

'Just your help,' came the answer.

'How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope while I find someone else who could help you.'

'Just keep hanging on,' replied the dangling man. 'That will be enough.'

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.
'Why did you do this?' he asked again. 'Don't you see who you have done? What possible purpose could you have in mind?'

'Just remember,' said the other, 'my life is in your hands.'

Now the man was perplexed. He reasoned within himself, If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other man die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt me forever.

As time went by, still no one came. The man became keenly aware that it was almost too late to resume his journey. If he didn't leave immediately, he wouldn't arrive in time.

Finally, he devised a plan. 'Listen,' he explained to the man hanging below, 'I think I know how to save you.' He mapped out the idea. The stranger could climb back up by wrapping the rope around him. Loop by loop, the rope would become shorter.

But the dangling man had no interest in the idea.
'I don't think I can hang on much longer,' warned the man on the bridge.

'You must try,' appealed the stranger. 'If you fail, I die.'

Suddenly a new idea struck the man on the bridge. It was different and even alien to his normal way of thinking. 'I want you to listen carefully,' he said, 'because I mean what I am about to say.'

The dangling man indicated that he was listening.

'I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; I hereby give back the position of choice for your own life to you.'
'
What do you mean?' the other asked, afraid.

'I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug some from here.'

He unwound the rope from around his waist and braced himself to be a counterweight. He was ready to help as soon as the dangling man began to act.

'You cannot mean what you say,' the other shrieked. 'You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me.'

After a long pause, the man on the bridge uttered slowly, 'I accept your choice.' In voicing those words, he freed his hands and continued his journey over the bridge.


Read more: http://kevinmartineau.ca/would-you-let-go-of-the-rope/#ixzz2iOrfJJB8

 

[recoveringenabler]

Tammy, Sig's story says it all, let go.

*That sadness and anger you are feeling is the result of making that choice. And, after you spend some time feeling those feelings, it gets better. We are just as hooked in to our enabling as they are to us enabling them............the deep sense of the powerlessness of that choice is very difficult, particularly when it comes to our children, who in a perfect world, we are supposed to take care of..........but not at your son's age when he does not choose to take care of himself. Letting go of taking care of them is hard, but we don't control any of this, they do, we just think we do. We are really completely out of control and power, it's always been in their hands. At some point, if you let go, he may understand his life is his own to make his own choices.........or he may not..........but either way, you can't do it for him...........I am sorry you are hurting, I understand how much it hurts to let go of our kids...............but at this point, we must. Sending you lots of hugs and the warmest of wishes for you to find peace..........

 

[lovemysons]

Signorina,
That is powerful and thought-provoking! Thank you so much.

It underscores the seriousness of the situation and the complexity too.
This is life and death we're talking about.
And about "kindness vs selfishness".

I ask myself these questions...
Am I selfish if I "let go"?
Am I really "kind" to hang on?
Two lives are hanging in the balance here...not just difficult child.

Thank you,
love to you Sig,
LMS

 

[NotMyKidd]

Except for the prison part, your son could be my son. Mine is just a few months younger than yours, and has given me grief for the past 9 years. It was eerie reading your post, because so much of your son's behaviors and thought patterns are like my son's. And I have had a few of those "I'm in the hospital" calls, too. 50% of those hospital visits were caused by drug induced seizures, another 25% caused by injuries brought on by his anger, and 25% caused by fake injuries in order to obtain pain killers.

And yes, sweetheart, I understand

vacillating between deep sadness and anger. I have been experiencing that every hour on the hour for the last 10 days ever since I found out he was using again.

The saddest and most frustrating part for me is knowing it is likely never to end. I have read about people whose 30 plus, 40 plus, etc children are still worthless druggies, so I fear there is no end in sight. No, I don't fear it - I expect it. I am resigned to it. THAT'S what makes us sad. And like recoveringenabler said, we know that, so we know we have to either keep letting it destroy us, or we have to let them go. Both options are devastating to even think about.

I don't have any solutions for you, just wanted to let you know I KNOW what you are feeling.


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