kicking son out

[Robert44]

I haven't posted here in awhile. My son quit college twice. Is home does not work or go to school. He will be 19 next month He smoked pot everyday many times a day for at least 3 or 4 years. He was totally clean for the last 3 months. He was on Lexapro 15 mg during this time. I guess it wasn't helping him too much. I told him he had to go back to the psychiatrist and he said he would go. I wanted him to speak to the dr. to see if we should increase the dose or put him on something else. he has a long history of mental illness. made the appointment and of course he wouldn't go. Then the worst thing happened after being clean for 3 months he started going out again and smoking. I know he was clean for 3 months cause he was always home. I got him the best doctors. that cost a fortune that weren't on my plan. He refuses to help himself. when he starts smoking it's all downhill. We went through so much with him I couldn't go tell you it would take to long. Police at the house many times , him grabbing knives stealing from us etc..... I was willing to work with him as long as he stopped smoking and went to the doctors. He refuses to help himself. Now he's back to smoking. That's it. It's time for him to leave. I am really afraid of what will happen to him..

 

[Albatross]

I remember you, Robert. I am sorry to hear what you have gone through recently.

I certainly do agree that you can't have your son in your home when he grabs knives, steals from you, and so forth.

I certainly do agree that, even though 19 is very young, that is old enough to either work or go to school to prepare for a career.

I know it is frightening to think of what our difficult children will do once they are left to their own devices, but most times they find their way. It isn't always a way we would have chosen for them, but once we step out of the way they do eke out their own path -- one that doesn't involve you "helping" him by making it possible for him to get high all night and sleep all day.

I think you are being a very good father, Robert. It is tough on us to hold them to the standard of being a good man or a good woman, but it is for their greater good.

 

[Robert44]

@Albatoss thanks for your response. He hasn't been violent at all but that's because he 's been clean. Now he's going back to smoking so I don't want to go through all that again. He was sleeping all day till 11 pm at night. would wake up at that time and stay up all night. I made sure to give him the medication even though he got up so late.

I'm not sure how to get him out if he won't leave. Will the police escort him out? Do I have to get a lawyer and evict him? I'll have to find out.....I'm afraid he'll freeze to death out there.

 

[A dad]

Here where I live the best way and the only way is to ask him to leave and he to comply. You see if your adress is on his ID that means you can not kick him out with the police because you legally accepted that he lives there and you will commit a crime.
My advice try asking him first before other things.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Robert44, check with your local sheriff about the eviction laws in your state. Here in No. CA. we have to give 30 days notice even if the person is our own child and he/she hasn't paid any rent......it's the law. If you find out the eviction laws and give him the appropriate notice and he still won't leave, my understanding is that you can then have a sheriff escort your son out.

As many parents here do, you can give your son the addresses of the local shelters, the food banks and the phone numbers for him to contact social services for food stamps, and medical insurance. Our kids are remarkably resourceful especially when they find themselves living on the streets.

Sounds like he's self medicating, another common theme here. You may want to contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental illness.......they offer wonderful courses for us parents.....and can possibly give you and your son assistance, guidance, information and support.

Support for us parents is essential too.....you might give a 12 step group a chance, many parents here find solace at Al Anon, Narc Anon, or Families Anonymous. And, if you haven't already, read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

I remember you too.......I'm sorry it didn't work out as you wanted.......your son is young and hopefully he can make some better choices with a bit of prodding from you (eviction date) and start to learn how to deal with his issues in a healthy way.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this........hang in there.........we're all here for you......

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Robert44, It may take some time to get him out as you may have to have him evicted. During this time you can prepare. If he is left alone in the house you really might want to consider locking up any valuables you have. I and others here have had to put locks on bedroom doors and also lock things in the trunks of our cars. I caution you with this because if your son is back to smoking pot, where is he getting the money? My son would steal from my husband and I on a regular basis. He was very sneaky about it. If I had 6 twenties in my wallet he would take one. In the beginning I didn't really notice it but once I caught on I made sure to keep track of exactly how much money I had at all times. My son was brazen enough to sneak into our bedroom while we were sleeping and go through my husbands wallet. When our son could not longer steal "cash" from us he took other things of value and pawned them.
Be on your guard Robert and protect yourself, your home and your family.

During this time you can also compile a list of shelters and programs that can help your son.

Also, you are not kicking your son out, you are liberating him to take care of himself. He is 19 and is old enough to take care of himself.

I appreciate your concerns about how he will manage. You would be amazed at well our adult difficult children manage to survive.

You have done all you can to help your son but he is choosing not to help himself.

If you have not done so already I suggest your read the article on detachment. Here is the link.
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4OlQvJCdj

Hang in there!! We are here for you.

 

[Lil]

Not that I advocate breaking the law - lawyer here after all - but in the long run, eviction is only necessary if they make it necessary. If you tell him, "here's a suitcase and a list of homeless shelters, be out by Friday", and he does it, then you don't need to worry about the legalities of eviction.

That being said, do talk to the local police and see what they'll do or not do for you. Since there's no violence, it is not as though they will come get him.

Robert, we put our son out at 19 when he stole from us. I know how hard it is when they are so young, but you have to take care of yourself and the rest of your family. You wouldn't allow anyone else not your son to treat you this way...and he refuses to change or get help...so you really have no choice. Hang in there.

 

[RN0441]

Hi Robert
You can do like we did and give him the choice of moving out or going to rehab like we did with our son. It sounds like he's using more than marijuana in my opinion.

In Illinois you have to get them evicted as well. You can't legally just make them leave and if they know the laws it can get tricky. You did not say what his mental illness is but many taking drugs steal from parents but the knife thing is scary.

 

[BusynMember]

I think it sounds like more than pot too.

 

[mof]

Generally pot does not evoke violent behavior? The staying up all night is a symptom of mental illness..your son needs medication.

I know you can't force medications..but have you drug tested him? I know you swear he's sober, and just smokes..but what stops you? More you know the better..he is self medicating for something. Yes, he has to want help.

Prayers for both of you...I hope you both can get what you both need. I know how scary, frustrating it all is.

 

[Robert44]

to be clear he was clean for 3 months. I know he was totally clean because he would wake up at 9 pm and stay up all night. He would fall asleep the next morning around 8 am He never ever went out. I know he would be up all night cause I would get up every couple of hours and he would just be lying in his bed or watching tv. He hung out with the dog. He was taking the medication. 15 mg Lexapro. He started getting bored so went out a couple of times last week with his friends and came home high. That's when he said he wouldn't go to the dr. He ruined his clean 3 month clean stay. He is not like any other kid out there. He doesn't have any real friends theyre just smoking friends. He has not been violent while he was clean. He was totally calm. When he was smoking everyday he would get angry. I'm afraid it's all gonna start up again. We were so happy when he was clean. He never attacked anyone with a knife he just threatened to kill himself. He's been hospitalized 6 times in his life. For some reason he won't help himself. He says the medications never help him. But he never really gives them a chance. No patience and very stubborn. Hates going to doctors. I was hoping the Lexapro would help him. I thought he was better but he says it didn't help. I wanted him to go back to the dr and either get an increase in dose or get a new medication or something. He just won't go. He rather get kicked out of the house. Well thanks for reading this and for all of your comments. All the best.