witzend
Well-Known Member
So, last I posted in detail, Missy L was working a temp job, had lived in an apartment by herself for three months, then as a roommate with someone for a time (I'm unsure how long), and we saw her on Mother's Day when she told husband that she was back at much old boyfriend's house for the 4th time in four years.
Several weeks later, she came by the house with a dog that she and MOBF had gotten. A well trained hunting dog. I asked her whether her temp job was going to be permanent. She said "yes", then she said "no". I asked why. She said "The insurance isn't good enough." I knew then that she was out of work. Just to remind you, her dad pays her health insurance, her car insurance, her cell bill, her car payment, and gives her a $700 a month cash allowance. He and I talked around April, and I told her he had to stop if he ever wanted her to grow up and be self sufficient.
She pretty much stopped calling me around the time before Mother's Day. I called her from time to time, but she never answers the phone. I texted her from time to time, and she did reply.
Last week, I called and left a message with MOBF that she should call. Nothing important. I then texted her to ask where my friend and I should go to dinner in her old neighborhood. She called me back on Tuesday or Wednesday, and I was busy outside, so I told her I would call her back. When I did, I could tell from the echo that she was in her bathroom at home. She spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied that she was at work.
I let it slide. We talked for a while about my plans for my friend and I, which was going to a Farmer's Market at 3:45 for a demonstratin, then dinner. She made some restaurant suggestions.
Finally she says "I don't understand, Mom. Are you asking me to go along with you, or do you just want a recommendation for a restaurant.?" I said "You can't come with us. You'll still be at work."
"Oh", she says.
I got a little ticked off that I knew in my gut that she wasn't working. I talked to her dad. She hasn't been working for about 4 months. He's not happy that she hasn't been in contact with me, and he's not happy (but not surprised) that she has been lying about work. I asked him to bear in mind that if she is lying to me that is about her, not about me, and he agreed.
He is on vacation, and has already written a set of guidelines for a talk (so he says) he is going to have with her when he gets back. He is going to tell her that she has until March on her 26th birthday to be on his dime. I told him that I felt that it would be just as hard - if not harder - on him to tell her "no" when she calls to ask for something as it will be for her to do anything about becoming self-sufficient. I suggested that he remember that there are clinics out there for every day health care issues, including Planned Parenthood for birth control. I agreed that if there were a catastrophic health matter that it would be reasonable for him to pay what he felt comfortable with, but otherwise he needs to be prepared to encourage her to find her own way.
So, I'm still looking for the prepared list of things to say when they call asking for money, etc., so I can pass it along to him. I honestly think he will cave the first time she wants money for something. I mean, he told me that he was getting letters to her at his home from the county courts. She had multiple parking tickets and hadn't registered her car tags when they expired. She let them go so long that they had turned into warrants. He's an attorney. His reaction was to "take her by the hand down to the courthouse to pay them." ie: he paid them. His point was that he couldn't trust her to just give her the money to pay the tickets, because she would have bought a purse instead. It didn't occur to him to let her suffer the consequences, or earn the money to pay the tickets by doing odd jobs for him. He's got a long journey ahead of him.
Honestly, I feel badly for her in this. He has not done her any favors by paying for everything since he let her get her first apartment when she dropped out of high school at only 16.5 years old. Between him and her MOBF letting her move back in every time she loses a job (after having kicked her out each time she gets a job) she has no concept of how to be an adult and take care of herself. I told her dad that I imagined that we would be seeing a lot more of her in March because she wouldn't have money to go out and would be hanging around for dinner and drinks at that point.
Several weeks later, she came by the house with a dog that she and MOBF had gotten. A well trained hunting dog. I asked her whether her temp job was going to be permanent. She said "yes", then she said "no". I asked why. She said "The insurance isn't good enough." I knew then that she was out of work. Just to remind you, her dad pays her health insurance, her car insurance, her cell bill, her car payment, and gives her a $700 a month cash allowance. He and I talked around April, and I told her he had to stop if he ever wanted her to grow up and be self sufficient.
She pretty much stopped calling me around the time before Mother's Day. I called her from time to time, but she never answers the phone. I texted her from time to time, and she did reply.
Last week, I called and left a message with MOBF that she should call. Nothing important. I then texted her to ask where my friend and I should go to dinner in her old neighborhood. She called me back on Tuesday or Wednesday, and I was busy outside, so I told her I would call her back. When I did, I could tell from the echo that she was in her bathroom at home. She spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied that she was at work.
I let it slide. We talked for a while about my plans for my friend and I, which was going to a Farmer's Market at 3:45 for a demonstratin, then dinner. She made some restaurant suggestions. Finally she says "I don't understand, Mom. Are you asking me to go along with you, or do you just want a recommendation for a restaurant.?" I said "You can't come with us. You'll still be at work."
"Oh", she says.I got a little ticked off that I knew in my gut that she wasn't working. I talked to her dad. She hasn't been working for about 4 months. He's not happy that she hasn't been in contact with me, and he's not happy (but not surprised) that she has been lying about work. I asked him to bear in mind that if she is lying to me that is about her, not about me, and he agreed.
He is on vacation, and has already written a set of guidelines for a talk (so he says) he is going to have with her when he gets back. He is going to tell her that she has until March on her 26th birthday to be on his dime. I told him that I felt that it would be just as hard - if not harder - on him to tell her "no" when she calls to ask for something as it will be for her to do anything about becoming self-sufficient. I suggested that he remember that there are clinics out there for every day health care issues, including Planned Parenthood for birth control. I agreed that if there were a catastrophic health matter that it would be reasonable for him to pay what he felt comfortable with, but otherwise he needs to be prepared to encourage her to find her own way.
So, I'm still looking for the prepared list of things to say when they call asking for money, etc., so I can pass it along to him. I honestly think he will cave the first time she wants money for something. I mean, he told me that he was getting letters to her at his home from the county courts. She had multiple parking tickets and hadn't registered her car tags when they expired. She let them go so long that they had turned into warrants. He's an attorney. His reaction was to "take her by the hand down to the courthouse to pay them." ie: he paid them. His point was that he couldn't trust her to just give her the money to pay the tickets, because she would have bought a purse instead. It didn't occur to him to let her suffer the consequences, or earn the money to pay the tickets by doing odd jobs for him. He's got a long journey ahead of him.
Honestly, I feel badly for her in this. He has not done her any favors by paying for everything since he let her get her first apartment when she dropped out of high school at only 16.5 years old. Between him and her MOBF letting her move back in every time she loses a job (after having kicked her out each time she gets a job) she has no concept of how to be an adult and take care of herself. I told her dad that I imagined that we would be seeing a lot more of her in March because she wouldn't have money to go out and would be hanging around for dinner and drinks at that point.
