MWM, in her infinite capacity to be so real, opened a door for me to put words to the way I've been feeling lately and I thought I would write it down so I can gain more clarity and perhaps open a dialogue for any who've experienced this.......
I've been feeling very empty lately. It's a strange new phenomenon for me. As some of you may know, I have been at this letting go stuff for like 40 years............a bio family riddled with mental illnesses, a daughter with similar tendencies.........my life has been taken up with what felt like folks lining up in front of me whom I had to really look at seriously to determine if they were in the "letting go" group or the staying group. Turns out most were in the former.
I think when one grows up with so much dysfunction, relationships are thwarted with difficult issues because we haven't learned how to be in healthy interactions so we attract the same kinds of characters we're used to interacting with. As I've grown and healed, those interactions cease to work and I had to choose to let them go. One by one, over decades, I've done that. It isn't easy. In fact, it's been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. In particular with my mother, my sister and my daughter. Not that I don't have relationships with them, although I don't with my sister, just that the toxic part is not permitted so the connections are extremely limited.
A lot of truth to face, a lot of denial to get through, massive amounts of grief.
I see it all as lessons to learn from, the relationships taught me a lot about who I am, so the process of letting go had many gifts along with the pain.
I've successfully let go. I've accepted what is. I recently got married, moved, turned 65 and negotiated to work primarily at home with a good salary increase. Life is good.
AND, I feel strange.
husband says he felt that way when he retired, that it took a couple of months for him to relax in to retirement.
I was watching something on TV about returning soldiers and I thought how they must feel, in battle one day, days or weeks later, back in civilian life. That must be a harrowing transition.
I've spent the better part of the last 4 decades healing from my childhood and letting go of toxic people, experiences, thoughts, ideas and ways of being. It was a lot of work, it took up a lot of energy. It feels like I've been like the soldier in a faraway land and I've just returned to regular life..........
I've created a vacuum within me. There isn't anything to DO. I have lots of time and lots of internal space. Empty is the best word to describe what is going on. It reminds me of a statement I heard in a 12 step group, once you close one door, you end up in the hallway for awhile, waiting for a new door to open.
I know a new door will open. I have creative ideas about what the next step is, but I don't feel that I should rush onto the next step, I feel intuitively that being here in this emptiness, practicing presence and stillness is where I need to be. AND, it feels damn strange to be here. I don't know how to feel exactly. It's as if my JOB has ended........I am retired too..........and like the books all say..........there is "only to be." Well, in theory that's great, but in reality, it just feels weird!
I vacillate between feeling incredible joy and aliveness and vitality and excitement.......and then a day or so where I feel like my skin doesn't fit around me anymore, like I am on the other side of the room watching myself, not quite centered in my new self yet. It's a very odd feeling. My eyes are looking out at the world with a different focus, the focus is on ME and that perceptual shift.........changed everything. Everything. Every. Single.Thing.
I even moved to a new town, so I really am looking out at a different view. There are mountains surrounding me and lately they are shrouded in fog. Sometimes the fog lifts and little glimpses of the mountains emerge.........which is exactly how it feels on the inside of me.........seeing those clear and distinct glimpses of a new reality..........and then there's the fog.
Not the old fog of 'not willing to see'......... the fog of not knowing what's next.........yet.
So, here I am..........living in the uncertainty, the emptiness, the place where seeds of creation can grow........the place of possibility.........
I've been feeling very empty lately. It's a strange new phenomenon for me. As some of you may know, I have been at this letting go stuff for like 40 years............a bio family riddled with mental illnesses, a daughter with similar tendencies.........my life has been taken up with what felt like folks lining up in front of me whom I had to really look at seriously to determine if they were in the "letting go" group or the staying group. Turns out most were in the former.
I think when one grows up with so much dysfunction, relationships are thwarted with difficult issues because we haven't learned how to be in healthy interactions so we attract the same kinds of characters we're used to interacting with. As I've grown and healed, those interactions cease to work and I had to choose to let them go. One by one, over decades, I've done that. It isn't easy. In fact, it's been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. In particular with my mother, my sister and my daughter. Not that I don't have relationships with them, although I don't with my sister, just that the toxic part is not permitted so the connections are extremely limited.
A lot of truth to face, a lot of denial to get through, massive amounts of grief.
I see it all as lessons to learn from, the relationships taught me a lot about who I am, so the process of letting go had many gifts along with the pain.
I've successfully let go. I've accepted what is. I recently got married, moved, turned 65 and negotiated to work primarily at home with a good salary increase. Life is good.
AND, I feel strange.
husband says he felt that way when he retired, that it took a couple of months for him to relax in to retirement.
I was watching something on TV about returning soldiers and I thought how they must feel, in battle one day, days or weeks later, back in civilian life. That must be a harrowing transition.
I've spent the better part of the last 4 decades healing from my childhood and letting go of toxic people, experiences, thoughts, ideas and ways of being. It was a lot of work, it took up a lot of energy. It feels like I've been like the soldier in a faraway land and I've just returned to regular life..........
I've created a vacuum within me. There isn't anything to DO. I have lots of time and lots of internal space. Empty is the best word to describe what is going on. It reminds me of a statement I heard in a 12 step group, once you close one door, you end up in the hallway for awhile, waiting for a new door to open.
I know a new door will open. I have creative ideas about what the next step is, but I don't feel that I should rush onto the next step, I feel intuitively that being here in this emptiness, practicing presence and stillness is where I need to be. AND, it feels damn strange to be here. I don't know how to feel exactly. It's as if my JOB has ended........I am retired too..........and like the books all say..........there is "only to be." Well, in theory that's great, but in reality, it just feels weird!
I vacillate between feeling incredible joy and aliveness and vitality and excitement.......and then a day or so where I feel like my skin doesn't fit around me anymore, like I am on the other side of the room watching myself, not quite centered in my new self yet. It's a very odd feeling. My eyes are looking out at the world with a different focus, the focus is on ME and that perceptual shift.........changed everything. Everything. Every. Single.Thing.
I even moved to a new town, so I really am looking out at a different view. There are mountains surrounding me and lately they are shrouded in fog. Sometimes the fog lifts and little glimpses of the mountains emerge.........which is exactly how it feels on the inside of me.........seeing those clear and distinct glimpses of a new reality..........and then there's the fog.
Not the old fog of 'not willing to see'......... the fog of not knowing what's next.........yet.
So, here I am..........living in the uncertainty, the emptiness, the place where seeds of creation can grow........the place of possibility.........