At a low point

[healinginside]

In my own life, I could not accept this for many years. My son has only wanted from me, what he wanted. Not what I wanted for him, or with him. This caused me infinite pain. I resisted it. Now I don't. I still feel pain, but I recognize mostly that I have a choice about how long I sit with it.

Thinking and praying for you and your situation with your son. I wish you a peaceful weekend.

 

[healinginside]

I understand perfectly the feelings you are experiencing, the shame and guilt, wracking your brain with how you can help him.

Thank you, Newlife....your support means so much to me right now. I'm drawing strength from these posts. And thank you from the deepest part of my heart for worrying about me and what happened. I spent four more days crying. I don't think I've ever cried that much. I just had to get it all out and process it. Now it is that odd feeling "a new normal you never wanted". There's probably a book named that somewhere in this world.

Your 10 years of experience with your daughter is teaching me something. It reminded me to remain strong in my boundaries and your words gave me chills. I have noticed that I do become weak during the "Mother's Day" season. There is so much that goes along with it that just gets to my heart.

We also know a lot of families that do everything for their adult children. We have to be ourselves and let our children walk their own paths in life. Whatever that path might look like. I am letting this be a good reminder.

My daughter has been pretty good about the situation. She is a very caring person. She did not care about her reputation being tarnished by his behavior, she felt more sorry for him. And, don't worry - I would never ask her to lie. We just talked about being ready for rude words from high school kids. It could happen and it could be embarrassing for her, which was why I wanted to have a few words about it. Just be ready, I told her, if someone says something. She is. She is very down to earth.

I heard a good thing - you can't get there if you don't stay here. It is about staying in the present. We can't get to our goals if we ruminate over the past or stress about the future.

Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I appreciate the kind words more than you know.

 

[Copabanana]

he still gave me a vibe that he would rather stay (strangely) where he was instead of going into drug treatment.

I worked in prison mental health for 30 years. Many guys, particularly, just love jails and prison reception centers. Maybe "love" is putting it too strongly, but not much. They have absolutely no responsibilities or demands on their time. They get healthy. They work out. They get the necessary medical treatment. They read. They play chess or cards or dominos. They write letters. They party. They sleep. They have fun. If somebody is relatively social and has self-confidence, and maybe is a little street-wise, that helps, they do fine.

What they want, is to get out of jail. If there is a get-out-of-jail-free card. (I have infinite compassion and care for prisoners. But what i am writing I saw and experienced with my own eyes and ears.)

I am unsurprised if your son might prefer this, to a drug treatment program. Unless he is really motivated towards sobriety, he might see drug treatment as the equivalent of jail, or worse. Because in a jail there is a lot of liberty of conduct inside. There can be a lot of socializing and fun, once you get used to it.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Wow - this really hit home for me. Gave me chills and I think I needed to read this and hear it at the same time - something clicked in my brain. This has lifted me up a bit from my rut of wanting to come in and fix everything.

Here is how the day went:

He texted me, asking how things were coming along. He also mentioned he was doing well - playing chess, journaling, reading; etc. He seemed good, oddly enough. I think others have mentioned that their children are sometimes at their best during these trying situations.

I responded by telling him that the public defender felt he could get a bond if he went for in-patient drug treatment. I clarified for him that the public defender did not mention a sober living situation. only the in-patient drug treatment.

I mentioned that I was unable to connect with his healthcare provider due to privacy issues (true but I'm really stalling him), and these things are complicated and take time.

When he came out of nowhere and said he doesn't need drug treatment and I realized he wanted sober living - it told me he doesn't value the path of drug treatment and exactly like you pointed out -

I also asked him to do something for me - to continue having a peaceful day, to continue these positive things. He wrote back and told me the name of a treatment center, said his "I'm sorry and love you", and "These are the plans for my future", but he still gave me a vibe that he would rather stay (strangely) where he was instead of going into drug treatment. As you said - I'm not hearing the "I'm completely changing my life" that one would expect to hear if someone was REALLY "completely changing their life".

He's not pressing. I find that odd.

I'm going to take your advice. I will help him find out info since he can't but will NOT rush, push, or (especially) PAY.

Once again, thank you Copa, I've screenshotted some of your posts to refer back to when I'm weak.

Thank you for letting me borrow some of your strength.

I have the biggest smile on my face. In such a heart wrenching, think my world has ended tragedy I see you and the process is starting that you are coming to terms of his helping self. It is quite the shock at first, hits you like a ton of bricks and our loving maternal instinct to rush in and save the world. In your reply to me am also happy to hear how your daughter is coping, wonderful! Keep this going, the upswing and thoughts more geared toward his figuring it out. Don’t worry about the days that creep up again with sadness. Today was my day for sad memories, I let myself grieve all that could have been for a bit but, did not let it consume my day as I normally would allow.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I worked in prison mental health for 30 years. Many guys, particularly, just love jails and prison reception centers. Maybe "love" is putting it too strongly, but not much. They have absolutely no responsibilities or demands on their time. They get healthy. They work out. They get the necessary medical treatment. They read. They play chess or cards or dominos. They write letters. They party. They sleep. They have fun. If somebody is relatively social and has self-confidence, and maybe is a little street-wise, that helps, they do fine.

What they want, is to get out of jail. If there is a get-out-of-jail-free card. (I have infinite compassion and care for prisoners. But what i am writing I saw and experienced with my own eyes and ears.)

I am unsurprised if your son might prefer this, to a drug treatment program. Unless he is really motivated towards sobriety, he might see drug treatment as the equivalent of jail, or worse. Because in a jail there is a lot of liberty of conduct inside. There can be a lot of socializing and fun, once you get used to it.

I feel this too Copa! Feel as if my daughter actually loves being in jail as she wants to be taken care of, does not have to pay bills, food and shelter, is free to sleep all day long as she did when living with us. No responsibility what so ever. I also feel when she gets out that she will do something to get right back in. Quite possibly, even though they don’t have freedom to come and go as they please, jail might not be the worst place to be for them compared to a life they could be living on the streets. I hate to say it but there are also drugs in prison, the exact jail my daughter is in they had 2 correctional offers dealing big time drugs inside.

“On April 26, 2024, several corrections Jail in Florida were arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into the jail. The officers were accused of conspiring with inmates and outside conspirators to bring contraband, including drugs and cellphones, into the facility.”

 

[Copabanana]

“On April 26, 2024, several corrections Jail in Florida were arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into the jail. The officers were accused of conspiring with inmates and outside conspirators to bring contraband, including drugs and cellphones, into the facility.”

What a coincidence. Last night I dreamt (so seldom do I remember my dreams) that I ended up back working in prison. I couldn't find my way out of the prison in my dreams, no matter how much I tried. I was desperate to leave, and couldn't. But the thing I remembered reading your text, is that I had forgotten and brought in my cell phone in my purse. I was frantic that the phone would ring.

It's so weird to me that the fear would follow me this long. Except for a few months, about 6 years ago, I haven't worked in prisons since 2012, when my Mom got sick. The fear is so embedded in me, that I can't kick it, I guess. Not fear of inmates. Never them. But of the correctional system. The climate of suspicion. And the control. I don't miss that at all.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

What a coincidence. Last night I dreamt (so seldom do I remember my dreams) that I ended up back working in prison. I couldn't find my way out of the prison in my dreams, no matter how much I tried. I was desperate to leave, and couldn't. But the thing I remembered reading your text, is that I had forgotten and brought in my cell phone in my purse. I was frantic that the phone would ring.

It's so weird to me that the fear would follow me this long. Except for a few months, about 6 years ago, I haven't worked in prisons since 2012, when my Mom got sick. The fear is so embedded in me, that I can't kick it, I guess. Not fear of inmates. Never them. But of the correctional system. The climate of suspicion. And the control. I don't miss that at all.

Thank you Copa for what you could do during your time there. Sorry though it’s left such an impact on you still today. My son worked the job for a whole week and got out fast. Told me he not only had to watch his back with the inmates but also the other officers.

 

[healinginside]

I am unsurprised if your son might prefer this, to a drug treatment program.

This makes total sense. I'm getting that he is in a "good spot" in jail right now. That's the vibe I'm getting. And you're right - they want out, but he was pushing back on the in-patient rehab, which doesn't have as much liberty with behavior.

We also don't know if he would fail, leave, violate bond terms; etc. if he was released to rehab.

It is the weekend and nothing can be done so we have no choice but to enjoy it. Thank you, Copa.

 

[healinginside]

I feel this too Copa! Feel as if my daughter actually loves being in jail as she wants to be taken care of, does not have to pay bills, food and shelter, is free to sleep all day long as she did when living with us. No responsibility what so ever. I also feel when she gets out that she will do something to get right back in. Quite possibly, even though they don’t have freedom to come and go as they please, jail might not be the worst place to be for them compared to a life they could be living on the streets. I hate to say it but there are also drugs in prison, the exact jail my daughter is in they had 2 correctional offers dealing big time drugs inside.

“On April 26, 2024, several corrections Jail in Florida were arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into the jail. The officers were accused of conspiring with inmates and outside conspirators to bring contraband, including drugs and cellphones, into the facility.”

I've heard that it doesn't take long for some inmates to become institutionalized. That there is a different world in jail - maybe they are someone who is admired in jail or has power or a good "position". Maybe they have "friends" that can't leave them or a job or duty that they do and out in the real world it is too much for them.

 

[Copabanana]

I've heard that it doesn't take long for some inmates to become institutionalized.

To me, institutionalization differs from what i am describing about jail and prison reception centers. Jail becomes a "time out." They know they will soon be out. And they can lay back, until that happens.

Long-term prison is different. Institutionalized inmates feel security in prison, especially in their cells. It's like we feel in our homes.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

How are you doing healinginside? I pray that you are well, post when you can.

 

[LetGo]

Hello, I am new to this forum. I am so glad that I found you. I have been estranged from my adopted daughter (35) since she returned to her birth mother who abused her until age 3. The estrangement was on my daughter's part for 16 months and that is when I decided to "let go". I have never let go. I just maintained no contact. She has a plethora of mental illnesses and can be aggressive. She was a challenge to raise, putting it mildly. 5 months ago I was contacted by a detective as my daughter had been reported missing. She had been arrested and placed on probation. She skipped out after 1 month and "went missing". I assisted the detective. She was finally located and is now in jail...no bond for obvious reasons. I have been struggling with sending her a letter, not sending, etc. This forum has really helped me. I am not sure if she will be off to prison. I actually think it will help because it might afford her the structure she needs. She might become institutionalized and just become a repeat offender. It still hurts me for her but I don't think I can do anything. She would absolutely twist my words, etc. as she has always done. I'm sorry to be so long winded. I really am trying to "Let Go".

 

[LetGo]

Thinking and praying for you and your situation with your son. I wish you a peaceful weekend.

Hi Copa, I just posted a similar response. I feel for you, truly. It is hard to have a child (even as adults) who cannot reciprocate. It's painful.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Letgo,
Welcome to CD. Glad that you have found us.
You have posted on Healings thread, which is fine, but you will receive more responses if you start your own.

I have been estranged from my adopted daughter (35) since she returned to her birth mother who abused her until age 3. The estrangement was on my daughter's part for 16 months and that is when I decided to "let go". I have never let go. I just maintained no contact.

That’s hard, Letgo, I am sorry for the heartache. 16 months is a long time to not know what’s going on with your adult child.

She has a plethora of mental illnesses and can be aggressive.

I’m sure you have been on a difficult path raising your daughter. She is an adult now and has a responsibility to receive mental health care that will help regulate her issues. The fact that she can get aggressive can be a threat to your safety.

She was finally located and is now in jail...no bond for obvious reasons. I have been struggling with sending her a letter, not sending, etc. This forum has really helped me. I am not sure if she will be off to prison. I actually think it will help because it might afford her the structure she needs. She might become institutionalized and just become a repeat offender. It still hurts me for her but I don't think I can do anything.

Letting go doesn’t mean that we don’t feel the sadness and grief of our wayward loved ones choices. We still love our adult kids and wish the best for them. Another term
for letting go is detachment and there is a great article on that linked below Article on Detachment | Parent Emeritus
I’ve found it essential for my health to process the feelings, that’s why I write here, CD is like a living journal with kind folks offering wisdom and support. One thing I have worked on is to stop trying to predict my twos future. It only causes me stress. Staying present is really important. It is a work in progress, day by day.

She would absolutely twist my words, etc. as she has always done. I'm sorry to be so long winded. I really am trying to "Let Go".

One thing you have on your side right now is time. Since your daughter is in jail, it offers you some respite and time to process and think things through. I’m sure after no contact for 16 months, this new development with your daughter is a trigger for you. It can be confusing as you know what, when after no contact our wayward kids are back in the picture so to speak and our hearts are involved. If we slow down and filter our knee jerk reactions, we can ponder and pray on what a healthy response would look like. Make a list of pros and cons to initiating contact. Especially since your daughter can get aggressive. Work out what boundaries you would set, if your daughter responds. I have a daughter who has been in and out of jail since 2018. I had to set boundaries on our phone contact as at times she has been manipulative and always asks for money on her account. I am on a limited budget, and I don’t think it is my responsibility to fund her “extras” in jail. She is also 35. A grown woman. If she wants money, she can get on the work line. If she wants to argue, I let her know that I won’t engage.
I’m glad you have found us. You can copy and paste your post on your own thread, then more folks will be able to see your post and respond.
Take care and take time for yourself!
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[LetGo]

Hi Letgo,
Welcome to CD. Glad that you have found us.
You have posted on Healings thread, which is fine, but you will receive more responses if you start your own.
That’s hard, Letgo, I am sorry for the heartache. 16 months is a long time to not know what’s going on with your adult child.


I’m sure you have been on a difficult path raising your daughter. She is an adult now and has a responsibility to receive mental health care that will help regulate her issues. The fact that she can get aggressive can be a threat to your safety.
Letting go doesn’t mean that we don’t feel the sadness and grief of our wayward loved ones choices. We still love our adult kids and wish the best for them. Another term
for letting go is detachment and there is a great article on that linked below Article on Detachment | Parent Emeritus
I’ve found it essential for my health to process the feelings, that’s why I write here, CD is like a living journal with kind folks offering wisdom and support. One thing I have worked on is to stop trying to predict my twos future. It only causes me stress. Staying present is really important. It is a work in progress, day by day.


One thing you have on your side right now is time. Since your daughter is in jail, it offers you some respite and time to process and think things through. I’m sure after no contact for 16 months, this new development with your daughter is a trigger for you. It can be confusing as you know what, when after no contact our wayward kids are back in the picture so to speak and our hearts are involved. If we slow down and filter our knee jerk reactions, we can ponder and pray on what a healthy response would look like. Make a list of pros and cons to initiating contact. Especially since your daughter can get aggressive. Work out what boundaries you would set, if your daughter responds. I have a daughter who has been in and out of jail since 2018. I had to set boundaries on our phone contact as at times she has been manipulative and always asks for money on her account. I am on a limited budget, and I don’t think it is my responsibility to fund her “extras” in jail. She is also 35. A grown woman. If she wants money, she can get on the work line. If she wants to argue, I let her know that I won’t engage.
I’m glad you have found us. You can copy and paste your post on your own thread, then more folks will be able to see your post and respond.
Take care and take time for yourself!
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

Thanks so much New Leaf! I am not sure how to find the other parents with incarcerated kids? I will repost my original post once I know how! Thanks again! Let Go

 

[LetGo]

Thinking and praying for you and your situation with your son. I wish you a peaceful weekend.

BrokenInside, Thank you. It is my daughter that I am speaking about. I hope you have a peaceful week, too.

 

[New Leaf]

Thanks so much New Leaf! I am not sure how to find the other parents with incarcerated kids? I will repost my original post once I know how! Thanks again! Let Go

I’m not sure how you would do that on this site, but I’m sure there are many somewhere out there.

 

[Beta]

Hello, I am new to this forum. I am so glad that I found you. I have been estranged from my adopted daughter (35) since she returned to her birth mother who abused her until age 3. The estrangement was on my daughter's part for 16 months and that is when I decided to "let go". I have never let go. I just maintained no contact. She has a plethora of mental illnesses and can be aggressive. She was a challenge to raise, putting it mildly. 5 months ago I was contacted by a detective as my daughter had been reported missing. She had been arrested and placed on probation. She skipped out after 1 month and "went missing". I assisted the detective. She was finally located and is now in jail...no bond for obvious reasons. I have been struggling with sending her a letter, not sending, etc. This forum has really helped me. I am not sure if she will be off to prison. I actually think it will help because it might afford her the structure she needs. She might become institutionalized and just become a repeat offender. It still hurts me for her but I don't think I can do anything. She would absolutely twist my words, etc. as she has always done. I'm sorry to be so long winded. I really am trying to "Let Go".

Glad you found us here on CD. May God give you wisdom in how to proceed and peace and comfort in your heart for the grief. We all know the grief very well.

 

[UphillClimbMom]

I'm at one of my lowest points today. I think one of the lowest in my life.

How do other parents handle questions and inquiries from others while their child is in jail?

My son is in jail. He lives out of state where he was arrested and it is hard to get bond when you are out of state resident.

We were protecting our sanity by not telling anyone in our area about the situation. Our other child is in school and will be graduating this year. We want her to be able to celebrate her accomplishments. She deserves to have a prom and graduation just like everyone else without a grey cloud hanging over it.

I found out today that someone from my son's high school class tracked down his mug shot and posted it to a large group chat, so word is getting out. I've spent most of the day crying.

I have to go through several events for my daughter's graduation and now I'm going to be wondering who knows and who doesn't know.

The words that I am hit with today - humiliation, failure, devastation. I dedicated decades to raising my kids and I did everything that a "good" parent is supposed to do. I taught the difference between right and wrong, the dangers of drugs, and much more.

I'm sorry friends. I just can't stop crying today. I just feel so humiliated. i used to have a nice life. Now I feel like a floating piece of driftwood caught in the tide. I've lost my life and identity. I had a nice, happy life, I followed the rules. I followed the rules as a parent. Yes, I was younger with my son and not as wise, but I was still a good mom. At least I thought I was.

Thank you for "listening"....This board has gotten me through some long nights.

I'm at one of my lowest points today. I think one of the lowest in my life.

How do other parents handle questions and inquiries from others while their child is in jail?

My son is in jail. He lives out of state where he was arrested and it is hard to get bond when you are out of state resident.

We were protecting our sanity by not telling anyone in our area about the situation. Our other child is in school and will be graduating this year. We want her to be able to celebrate her accomplishments. She deserves to have a prom and graduation just like everyone else without a grey cloud hanging over it.

I found out today that someone from my son's high school class tracked down his mug shot and posted it to a large group chat, so word is getting out. I've spent most of the day crying.

I have to go through several events for my daughter's graduation and now I'm going to be wondering who knows and who doesn't know.

The words that I am hit with today - humiliation, failure, devastation. I dedicated decades to raising my kids and I did everything that a "good" parent is supposed to do. I taught the difference between right and wrong, the dangers of drugs, and much more.

I'm sorry friends. I just can't stop crying today. I just feel so humiliated. i used to have a nice life. Now I feel like a floating piece of driftwood caught in the tide. I've lost my life and identity. I had a nice, happy life, I followed the rules. I followed the rules as a parent. Yes, I was younger with my son and not as wise, but I was still a good mom. At least I thought I was.

Thank you for "listening"....This board has gotten me through some long nights.

My son doesn't have a history of jail, yet, truly just hasn't been caught *but* I come from high achieving friends and family with traditional morals.

I get questions, sometimes VERY pointed ones, that if I answered truthfully, would set my friend's and family's hair on end, so I so skirt the truth.

I know having a kid finishing high school with a "special" diploma because of his behavior, mental illness and learning disabilities AND going to Job Corps instead of college ISN'T the same as having a child in jail BUT again judgey family and friends....I hold my head high and ones that deserve a truthful answer get a honest answer. I KNOW a good portion of my son's "issues" are NOT my fault or of making. I DO make sure to add that my son is not a bad person but one that has is very ill and has disordered thinking and perception.


Your daughter's issues are hers. People that deserve a true answer for whatever that's worth, answer their questions and, if it's true in your daughter's case, a lot of what other people see, at face value, are actions of an ill person. No excuses, not making excuses but explaining.


The other's that do not deserve an answer, hold your head high, you might consider not saying anything! Hugs!!

 

[healinginside]

How are you doing healinginside? I pray that you are well, post when you can.

UPDATE

So much has happened since I originally posted in April about my son's mugshot going "viral" locally in a group chat with his high school class. My daughter was about to begin all her senior recognition activities of prom, senior nights, awards ceremonies, graduation, and grad parties. I was completely devastated. I leaned on this board for support.

In June, after graduation, I found out that the story about the VIRAL MUGSHOT was a LIE!!!

(Let me preface this by saying - yes, I know the mugshot is out there in the cyber universe and it will always be there and yes, it can still be spread around)

Let me go back to April - my son had been in jail a little over a month. We were processing everything and decided not to tell anyone. We didn't want outside advice or opinions when this was still so new and sinking in.

My husband received a phone call from one of his best friends who also happens to be one of the biggest loudmouths and (excuse me) ballbusters of any man that we know. His friend's son is one year younger than my son. His son also has had problems being responsible and we've even joked that we feel like they were playing a game of "the biggest loser" against one another. Let's call him Sam.

Sam calls and tells my husband, "I hear your son's in jail. My son told me that his mugshot was in a group chat for the high school class of 20XX and it's going viral". My husband started fumbling around with his words and said, "We didn't want anyone to know". The friend said, "Oh they know. Everybody knows"!!!!

So, after graduation, I FINALLY ran into Sam's son and he tells me, "I found out (my son's name) was arrested from a mutual friend named Steve Smith. I didn't want to tell my Dad who I found out from because he is a DRUG DEALER and your son was dealing drugs with him and I didn't want my Dad to know your son was dealing drugs. My Dad made it sound so much worse than it actually was".

As soon as he said Steve's name (the person he found out from), I recognized the name. The person was not in my son's class; they didn't even go to high school together. HE IS A COCAINE DEALER. I know who the guy is from when my son was in active addiction. Inside my head, I was thinking, "So you made up a story about how you found out to cover the fact that you found out from a cocaine dealer?" Nice.

No, I didn't tell Sam his son actually found out from a cocaine dealer.

Because there is a part of me that is scared of his Dad's big mouth. Ever be intimidated by someone loud, funny, and popular but a BULLY? I let it lie.

The most important things:
- my daughter made it through graduation without one person saying anything bc no one knew. If someone knew, they would say something to her, a friend, or her boyfriend.
- This was one of the worst things I have been through. I came out of this not the same person that I was when I went into it. I found a strength within me that was untapped. I grew older and wiser.

My son is still in jail. He had two postponements and his case will come up in August. We don't know what is going to happen. We think most charges will be dropped. I never pushed having him moved to drug rehab bc he wasn't dedicated to it - it was a get-out-of-jail-free card (like Copa said).

I feel I owe this board an apology. I posted about my son getting arrested and I would not have made it through this without your help. but then I didn't post any updates. At the time, I couldn't get the words out. I couldn't open up. Even today, after writing, I feel raw and vulnerable...but I feel relief.

Thank you, board members, for being here for me, the many hurting parents who came before me, and those who will go through these things in the future. There is a deep appreciation in knowing we are not alone.