Life Goes On. A Self Reflection.

[New Leaf]

It has been some time since I have posted. I have been focusing on working through the many layers of grief of hubs passing. The year anniversary was particularly challenging, as memories appeared, wafting in and out, a recounting of the day's leading up to his death, step by step. I decided that it was not helping me at all to reprocess those moments over and again and prayed for strength, prayed and keep praying that God help me to think about the good times we had together. On the date of his death, I gathered flowers and spent the morning with my children and grandchildren at the beach where we spread his ashes, reminiscing and recalling cherished times. Unfortunately, Rain and Tornado did not join us as planned, but as things go, it was not surprising. Disappointing but not surprising.​

I had hoped that my two would find a way to climb up from their life's choices, that maybe their fathers passing might be a pivot point, but alas, they are still struggling to find their way.
So it is.
I continue to pray that they will come to realize their potential and that I will work to grow in understanding that there is not much I can do to change the paths of their choosing. It is an odd sort of acceptance and I wonder if I have become numb from living with this reality for so many, many years.
When I do have contact with them, I am guarded, because it is painfully obvious that there is always a catch. It seems to me, that they both would like to keep me tethered to their drama, emotionally bound to the constant yoyoing. I just won't do it anymore. I cant. It drains me so completely and utterly. The sad part of it all, is that my two seem to equate my spiraling up and down with them as love. I bought into that for so many years and maybe do a bit still, because even as I write this, I am thinking how calloused I seem. Then again, literally, a callous forms over time from constant work and rubbing, that hardened, thick skin that when peeled off, reveals a rawness. Having two daughters, stuck in the muck and mire of addiction, is a reality that hurts to the core.
I am blessed to have my boy, he keeps my head above water. Like a dancer has a focal point to keep equilibrium as they spin, that he is. He is going through his teen years, now a fatherless boy, trying to find his way. He came to me a month or so ago, and said he felt the need to seek counseling. It is not so much about the loss of his father he needs to process, it is the years spent watching his sisters in and out the then revolving door of our home and the effect it has had on his life. That is a big wake up call for me, how their addiction and all the dramatic ramifications have effected him.
Then again, I do realize that I must not rely on my responsibility to raise him, as a buoy to keep my own emotional stability in check, because he is his own person, and will make his way.
I must find my way, find a reason to seek joy unto my own.
Two new grandbabies have appeared into the fold. I watch their mothers tenderly care for them and am brought back to those precious times I spent with my babies.
It is there that I find understanding and self forgiveness that I entered into the abyss of enabling. It is a path hard to avoid, the bonds formed raising children so deep, when their troubled journey began, I could not distinguish the depths of despair I plunged into alongside of them. What a tangled web.
I relate so much to the posts written here and recall that desperation, I was drowning in sorrow, moving through time and life's responsibilities in a frenetic state of mind. It is there my two would keep me, because it allows them to manipulate my circumstances to suit theirs.
How can I attain emotional balance, with Rain using meth, living in a park nearby, Tornado, in and out with her abusive mate, my three grands subjected to their crazed relationship?
I have to.
I must.
Go.
On.
Life goes on.
Choices go on.
There are so many different perspectives and rationalizations, and I don't judge anyone for their own journeys in this.
We all must choose as we do.
The choice I make is to give my two to God and entrust that He will help them find their way. Lord knows I have tried many, many times.
I have failed. My failure, was in thinking that I could help them.
I love them with all of my heart, but I cannot help them if they do not want to help themselves.
So I pray.
God help them please.
Help me.
This doesn't mean that I have coldly cut them off, I have not. This doesn't mean that I am a pillar of strength no longer affected by their choices. I would be lying if I wrote otherwise. How could I not be?
But, how could I continue to be, live, keep going, if I were still in that desperate state of mind?
I don't want to go back down that road.
Life goes on.
For some reason, through it all, I am still here.
A series of adjustments through stormy seas and seemingly starless nights.
As the clouds clear, there those beacons are and were there all along, countless points of beauty leading the way to different horizons.
Mahalo dear CD friends for your loving kindness and bearing with me as I have bared my soul. The way I have been helped by you all is immeasurable.
Much love and aloha,
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[ksm]

I am so glad you visited us again. I have been thinking of you and wondering how things are going.

Your writing is like poetry...as if you took my thoughts and feelings and put them in to beautiful prose. The hard dark things I don't share with others. But you know them well.

I hope peace for you...

Ksm

 

[Kalahou]

Life goes on.
For some reason, through it all, I am still here.

Oh Tita,
So glad to see you visit here. Yes, so much to reflect on the past year, and life does go on, and choices go on.

As the clouds clear, there those beacons are and were there all along, countless points of beauty leading the way to different horizons.

So thankful for you. You are a survivor! Knowing you are still here (and literally close by) is so supportive to me personally, dear Leaf.

Love … pule … aloha pumehana. On my way out right now. I need to reflect more on your post. You are so wise. No wonder pueo is your avatar. Malama pono me ka mahalo ke akua.

 

[BusynMember]

It is so good to hear from you. Please keep in touch.

 

[february]

It has been some time since I have posted. I have been focusing on working through the many layers of grief of hubs passing. The year anniversary was particularly challenging, as memories appeared, wafting in and out, a recounting of the day's leading up to his death, step by step. I decided that it was not helping me at all to reprocess those moments over and again and prayed for strength, prayed and keep praying that God help me to think about the good times we had together. On the date of his death, I gathered flowers and spent the morning with my children and grandchildren at the beach where we spread his ashes, reminiscing and recalling cherished times. Unfortunately, Rain and Tornado did not join us as planned, but as things go, it was not surprising. Disappointing but not surprising.​

I had hoped that my two would find a way to climb up from their life's choices, that maybe their fathers passing might be a pivot point, but alas, they are still struggling to find their way.
So it is.
I continue to pray that they will come to realize their potential and that I will work to grow in understanding that there is not much I can do to change the paths of their choosing. It is an odd sort of acceptance and I wonder if I have become numb from living with this reality for so many, many years.
When I do have contact with them, I am guarded, because it is painfully obvious that there is always a catch. It seems to me, that they both would like to keep me tethered to their drama, emotionally bound to the constant yoyoing. I just won't do it anymore. I cant. It drains me so completely and utterly. The sad part of it all, is that my two seem to equate my spiraling up and down with them as love. I bought into that for so many years and maybe do a bit still, because even as I write this, I am thinking how calloused I seem. Then again, literally, a callous forms over time from constant work and rubbing, that hardened, thick skin that when peeled off, reveals a rawness. Having two daughters, stuck in the muck and mire of addiction, is a reality that hurts to the core.
I am blessed to have my boy, he keeps my head above water. Like a dancer has a focal point to keep equilibrium as they spin, that he is. He is going through his teen years, now a fatherless boy, trying to find his way. He came to me a month or so ago, and said he felt the need to seek counseling. It is not so much about the loss of his father he needs to process, it is the years spent watching his sisters in and out the then revolving door of our home and the effect it has had on his life. That is a big wake up call for me, how their addiction and all the dramatic ramifications have effected him.
Then again, I do realize that I must not rely on my responsibility to raise him, as a buoy to keep my own emotional stability in check, because he is his own person, and will make his way.
I must find my way, find a reason to seek joy unto my own.
Two new grandbabies have appeared into the fold. I watch their mothers tenderly care for them and am brought back to those precious times I spent with my babies.
It is there that I find understanding and self forgiveness that I entered into the abyss of enabling. It is a path hard to avoid, the bonds formed raising children so deep, when their troubled journey began, I could not distinguish the depths of despair I plunged into alongside of them. What a tangled web.
I relate so much to the posts written here and recall that desperation, I was drowning in sorrow, moving through time and life's responsibilities in a frenetic state of mind. It is there my two would keep me, because it allows them to manipulate my circumstances to suit theirs.
How can I attain emotional balance, with Rain using meth, living in a park nearby, Tornado, in and out with her abusive mate, my three grands subjected to their crazed relationship?
I have to.
I must.
Go.
On.
Life goes on.
Choices go on.
There are so many different perspectives and rationalizations, and I don't judge anyone for their own journeys in this.
We all must choose as we do.
The choice I make is to give my two to God and entrust that He will help them find their way. Lord knows I have tried many, many times.
I have failed. My failure, was in thinking that I could help them.
I love them with all of my heart, but I cannot help them if they do not want to help themselves.
So I pray.
God help them please.
Help me.
This doesn't mean that I have coldly cut them off, I have not. This doesn't mean that I am a pillar of strength no longer affected by their choices. I would be lying if I wrote otherwise. How could I not be?
But, how could I continue to be, live, keep going, if I were still in that desperate state of mind?
I don't want to go back down that road.
Life goes on.
For some reason, through it all, I am still here.
A series of adjustments through stormy seas and seemingly starless nights.
As the clouds clear, there those beacons are and were there all along, countless points of beauty leading the way to different horizons.
Mahalo dear CD friends for your loving kindness and bearing with me as I have bared my soul. The way I have been helped by you all is immeasurable.
Much love and aloha,
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

It has been some time since I have posted. I have been focusing on working through the many layers of grief of hubs passing. The year anniversary was particularly challenging, as memories appeared, wafting in and out, a recounting of the day's leading up to his death, step by step. I decided that it was not helping me at all to reprocess those moments over and again and prayed for strength, prayed and keep praying that God help me to think about the good times we had together. On the date of his death, I gathered flowers and spent the morning with my children and grandchildren at the beach where we spread his ashes, reminiscing and recalling cherished times. Unfortunately, Rain and Tornado did not join us as planned, but as things go, it was not surprising. Disappointing but not surprising.​

I had hoped that my two would find a way to climb up from their life's choices, that maybe their fathers passing might be a pivot point, but alas, they are still struggling to find their way.
So it is.
I continue to pray that they will come to realize their potential and that I will work to grow in understanding that there is not much I can do to change the paths of their choosing. It is an odd sort of acceptance and I wonder if I have become numb from living with this reality for so many, many years.
When I do have contact with them, I am guarded, because it is painfully obvious that there is always a catch. It seems to me, that they both would like to keep me tethered to their drama, emotionally bound to the constant yoyoing. I just won't do it anymore. I cant. It drains me so completely and utterly. The sad part of it all, is that my two seem to equate my spiraling up and down with them as love. I bought into that for so many years and maybe do a bit still, because even as I write this, I am thinking how calloused I seem. Then again, literally, a callous forms over time from constant work and rubbing, that hardened, thick skin that when peeled off, reveals a rawness. Having two daughters, stuck in the muck and mire of addiction, is a reality that hurts to the core.
I am blessed to have my boy, he keeps my head above water. Like a dancer has a focal point to keep equilibrium as they spin, that he is. He is going through his teen years, now a fatherless boy, trying to find his way. He came to me a month or so ago, and said he felt the need to seek counseling. It is not so much about the loss of his father he needs to process, it is the years spent watching his sisters in and out the then revolving door of our home and the effect it has had on his life. That is a big wake up call for me, how their addiction and all the dramatic ramifications have effected him.
Then again, I do realize that I must not rely on my responsibility to raise him, as a buoy to keep my own emotional stability in check, because he is his own person, and will make his way.
I must find my way, find a reason to seek joy unto my own.
Two new grandbabies have appeared into the fold. I watch their mothers tenderly care for them and am brought back to those precious times I spent with my babies.
It is there that I find understanding and self forgiveness that I entered into the abyss of enabling. It is a path hard to avoid, the bonds formed raising children so deep, when their troubled journey began, I could not distinguish the depths of despair I plunged into alongside of them. What a tangled web.
I relate so much to the posts written here and recall that desperation, I was drowning in sorrow, moving through time and life's responsibilities in a frenetic state of mind. It is there my two would keep me, because it allows them to manipulate my circumstances to suit theirs.
How can I attain emotional balance, with Rain using meth, living in a park nearby, Tornado, in and out with her abusive mate, my three grands subjected to their crazed relationship?
I have to.
I must.
Go.
On.
Life goes on.
Choices go on.
There are so many different perspectives and rationalizations, and I don't judge anyone for their own journeys in this.
We all must choose as we do.
The choice I make is to give my two to God and entrust that He will help them find their way. Lord knows I have tried many, many times.
I have failed. My failure, was in thinking that I could help them.
I love them with all of my heart, but I cannot help them if they do not want to help themselves.
So I pray.
God help them please.
Help me.
This doesn't mean that I have coldly cut them off, I have not. This doesn't mean that I am a pillar of strength no longer affected by their choices. I would be lying if I wrote otherwise. How could I not be?
But, how could I continue to be, live, keep going, if I were still in that desperate state of mind?
I don't want to go back down that road.
Life goes on.
For some reason, through it all, I am still here.
A series of adjustments through stormy seas and seemingly starless nights.
As the clouds clear, there those beacons are and were there all along, countless points of beauty leading the way to different horizons.
Mahalo dear CD friends for your loving kindness and bearing with me as I have bared my soul. The way I have been helped by you all is immeasurable.
Much love and aloha,
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[february]

Leafy,
Thank you for your post, I pray for you and your children.

Love,
February

 

[Albatross]

Dear Leafy, it is so nice to see you here. I have thought of you often and wondered how you were weathering hub's passing and the drama with your girls.

Life goes on.
Choices go on.
There are so many different perspectives and rationalizations, and I don't judge anyone for their own journeys in this.
We all must choose as we do.

I love this, Leafy. I too have not been posting must lately, though I do read along, and I am reminded again and again that there is no right way to do this, despite our desperate search for an answer.

You sound good and strong, Leafy. I am so glad that you posted.

 

[so ready to live]

So wonderful to hear from you again Leafy. You have given me strength in the past and today continue to do so.

A series of adjustments through stormy seas and seemingly starless nights.
As the clouds clear, there those beacons are and were there all along, countless points of beauty leading the way to different horizons.

Different horizons for you and yet the sameness of situation for Rain and Tornado. A few of us here have seen progress for our "kids", many more of us have seen progress for ourselves. I personally am so grateful for you ALL, helping me to "remember to dance in the rain". So many times Leafy I felt your wisdom, experience and support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Prayers.

 

[RN0441]

Leafy:
I was just thinking about you this morning. I am glad to hear that you are so grounded.

You helped me so much when I started this journey with my son and I will never forget it and will be forever grateful for your wisdom during my darkest days.

I am glad to hear that your son came to you about seeing someone to work through things that he needs to work through. The fact that he came to you for this shows what a great relationship that you have and that he is very self aware for such a young boy.

Hugs, prayers and please don't leave us for so long next time. There are SO MANY on here that can benefit from your strength and wisdom!

 

[Jabberwockey]

Then again, literally, a callous forms over time from constant work and rubbing, that hardened, thick skin that when peeled off, reveals a rawness.

And what does a callous do? It protects us from damage caused by repeated, for lack of a better way to put it right now, abuse.

Glad to hear from you again Leafy! I cant begin to imagine what you're going through but stay strong. You deserve a life full of love and happiness.

 

[JaneBetty]

Leafy, I'm glad you took the time to write today.
You helped me when I first came on this forum.
Issues between mothers and daughters are a little different,
and I appreciated your help.

Hugs to you : )

 

[Tanya M]

I am thinking how calloused I seem. Then again, literally, a callous forms over time from constant work and rubbing, that hardened, thick skin that when peeled off, reveals a rawness.

Perfectly worded! I too feel this way. I think it's impossible for us to not become "calloused" to some degree with our adult difficult children. These callouses, like those on hard working hands can protect us and as you said, if peeled off there will be a rawness. While it's a sad truth, I have come to embrace my callouses as they have protected me.
I will always love my son but have learned that I must love myself too.

Leafy, I'm so glad you are doing well. You have had much to process.

Love and Hugs to you................

 

[pigless in VA]

Warm hugs, Leafy. I mistakenly thought that Lloyd's death would bring me closer to my children. I think that some people internalize the pain and shut everyone else out. Ferb is one of those people. He is like a ghost in the house, never speaking to anyone. We are not connected, and that crushes me. I am trying hard to accept that he does not want a connection with me. It doesn't bode well for his future choices, but I cannot go down in the chaos with him.

I don't fully understand why some people thrive on drama, but they do. I don't think they feel alive unless they have stress hanging over their heads. I can't live like that. I'm sure the "children" with the dramatic lives do think their parents are calloused for not bailing them out. Maybe one day they will understand; maybe they never will.

 

[New Leaf]

I have been really, really busy at work, home and on the ocean paddling. Keeping busy is my go to as well as prayer. I am so very thankful that this site is here, it is definitely a soft place to land.....an oasis.

I am so glad you visited us again. I have been thinking of you and wondering how things are going.

I hope peace for you...

Thank you ksm, my goodness, you have so much on your plate with the two girls. Wishing you peace in your life and reflecting on what a remarkable, genuinely good person you are. Please make sure to get some rest and quality time for you.

You are a survivor! Knowing you are still here (and literally close by) is so supportive to me personally, dear Leaf.

Love … pule … aloha pumehana.

Love, pule and aloha pumehana Kalahou. You are a survivor as well. We walk these paths in our lives, I truly believe it is a sort of "training" for us. Thank you so very much for your kind words of encouragement. It is good to know that a fellow wahine koa is living close by, going through a similar journey and thriving.

It is so good to hear from you.

Thank you so much SWOT.

I pray for you and your children.

february, your prayers are much appreciated, I pray for you and yours as well. Prayer is powerful.

I am reminded again and again that there is no right way to do this, despite our desperate search for an answer.

Alby, you are wise in this. We are constantly presented with this challenge whether we have contact or not. If I let it wear on my soul, it does no good to anyone. I am reminded of Viktor Frankl's wisdom in this quote
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way."
In our way finding with this most distressing dilemma of our beloveds lifestyles, we are bound to trip and fall. We gave our hearts raising our children. What has been the saving grace is the hope that they will see their full potential. I still hold on to that hope, but I no longer sacrifice my time waiting for that to happen.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Prayers.

srtl, you have been there as a rock of support for me, too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, prayers for you as well.

Hugs, prayers and please don't leave us for so long next time.

RN, you are so sweet. I am sorry for being gone so long. I had to find my footing on griefs difficult trail as life whirled around, a tempest. The fog set in, and still does at times. Hugs and prayers to you, dear soldier.

I cant begin to imagine what you're going through but stay strong. You deserve a life full of love and happiness.

Jabber, thank you for your kindness. I think we all deserve love and happiness and there is a way to find that despite what is happening with our "gifts from God". I have come to look at pursuing that joy as a mission and a way to show my troubled children a different view. What good does it do if I drown in their sea of drama and stress? I do think that sometimes their unconscientious objective is to keep me desperate and miserable, so that I can't think straight. Whether it is done subconsciously, or willfully, it matters not, it is up to me to chart my course.

Hugs to you

Hugs to you JB, thank you so much for reaching out. You are right, it is different for mothers and daughters. Stay strong Mama Bear!

While it's a sad truth, I have come to embrace my callouses as they have protected me.
I will always love my son but have learned that I must love myself too.

Tanya, there are not enough words to express my appreciation for your heart thoughts upon the pages of CD. You were the first of staff to respond to my initial post back in 2015. This place has been a respite, a life raft to hold on to.
Mahalo for sharing your viewpoint on embracing callouses. At times, I wonder if I have become too hardened, but then realize it is a necessary protection, to build a thick skin after sinking into the pit of desperation over my two, my grands, so many, many, times. In that state of despair, I am not able to guard my heart and think clearly, then I am really on a synchronistic journey with my two. I love them dearly, and have decided that the way to truly help them find their best selves, is to find mine.Thank you Tanya.

I am trying hard to accept that he does not want a connection with me. It doesn't bode well for his future choices, but I cannot go down in the chaos with him.

Time and circumstances are forever changing. The end of our stories is not yet written, Ferb is so young Pigless. Perhaps, with age and experience, he will understand how much you mean to him, perhaps not. You are right, you cannot go down in chaos with him, there has to be someone to stand ground in defiance of the drama and utter "Nevermore".

I'm sure the "children" with the dramatic lives do think their parents are calloused for not bailing them out. Maybe one day they will understand; maybe they never will.

We cannot help anyone who does not really want true help. Adult children feeling entitled, relying on and at the same time making a mockery of the grace of "unconditional love" flipping it on its backside, constantly overstepping boundaries and breaking hearts of their closest family members.
Maybe, it takes a rebuilding of those boundaries, a redrawing of lines, reestablishing our own self respect so that we can stand strong and say "ENOUGH!" It is what I have had to do, and my two have "punished" me with no contact, as with Ferb, no connection, going long periods of time with no word or notion of how they are doing. If I do receive a phone call, a visit, it is usually accompanied with requests for money or a litany of their suffering the consequences of their choices. I do my best not to go into "bailout" mode, or to sink back into old habits of worrying, stressing and overthinking. Sigh. Prayer and long walks have helped.
Warm hugs to you Pigless, keep fighting the good fight for your own peace of mind and heart.
All of my love and prayers go out to my fellow warriors, those who responded, as well as those following along.
Take heart, there is a light at the end of the tunnel whether our children have pivoted, or not. That light is that there is always hope for our d c's, but most of all, there is a way to turn our own despair into determination to find peace and joy.
Much Aloha and (((HUGS)))
Leafy