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Life has turned again...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 760535" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Confused</p><p></p><p>I agree with Nandina.. Your son can't and shouldn't run either his own life (at 15) or yours, ever. His welfare cannot and should not be the only thing that matters. He is one person among others. They matter too. You matter too.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like the central problem is about your son, his unwillingness to accept rules and to accept authority, at all. An oversized sense of entitlement, and an oversized (for his age) sense of his control, in the family.</p><p></p><p>I can understand now why you are resisting so much his going with his Dad, where there will be no rules, no order and no consequences.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, it's WORSE that your son be allowed to act out as he is doing right now.</p><p></p><p>There is a principle in some forms of psychology called "paradox." It came from martial arts. It's when a person's own strength is used against him or her. For example. If somebody is pushing very hard, or pulling very hard if the other person steps away or lets go their opponent will fall down. Their own pushing and pulling, when their opponent or target lets go, acts to control and defeat them.</p><p></p><p>In your son's case, what about letting go of the resistance to his going to his Dad's? I really don't think he will like it there, and that very shortly he will be asking to come back Meanwhile you can think about what you need from him (behaviors, rules, etc.) as well as support (therapy, etc) to get better control in your own home. Or maybe you will decide he should not come back. I believe that he needs to be willing to start doing what it takes to change. And where he lives is not the primary problem.</p><p></p><p>I wish you the very best.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 760535, member: 18958"] Hi Confused I agree with Nandina.. Your son can't and shouldn't run either his own life (at 15) or yours, ever. His welfare cannot and should not be the only thing that matters. He is one person among others. They matter too. You matter too. It sounds like the central problem is about your son, his unwillingness to accept rules and to accept authority, at all. An oversized sense of entitlement, and an oversized (for his age) sense of his control, in the family. I can understand now why you are resisting so much his going with his Dad, where there will be no rules, no order and no consequences. But the thing is, it's WORSE that your son be allowed to act out as he is doing right now. There is a principle in some forms of psychology called "paradox." It came from martial arts. It's when a person's own strength is used against him or her. For example. If somebody is pushing very hard, or pulling very hard if the other person steps away or lets go their opponent will fall down. Their own pushing and pulling, when their opponent or target lets go, acts to control and defeat them. In your son's case, what about letting go of the resistance to his going to his Dad's? I really don't think he will like it there, and that very shortly he will be asking to come back Meanwhile you can think about what you need from him (behaviors, rules, etc.) as well as support (therapy, etc) to get better control in your own home. Or maybe you will decide he should not come back. I believe that he needs to be willing to start doing what it takes to change. And where he lives is not the primary problem. I wish you the very best. [/QUOTE]
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