I am sorry that you have such a difficult situation with your oldest son. I understand how hard it is when they make choices that you truly cannot understand. It is even more difficult when it is truly unsafe for them to be around their siblings.
I was there for many years. My oldest, Wiz, had a real problem with his sister from the time she started to move on her own. When he was 12 he made a serious attempt to murder her. He spent 12 weeks in a psychiatric hospital for that. It was an awful experience.
Before and after that experience, we saw all kinds of doctors and therapists. So many times, the "experts" didn't seem to care about the impact of what they did on the other 2 kids. At one point I had to tell one of the psychologists that I was not going to sacrifice my 2 younger children on the altar of my oldest child's problems. I used that phrase quite a few more times as we worked through problems with Wiz.
When Wiz was 14, I had to have him removed from our home by the cops. He kept trying to get through me to kill his sister. We had actually done drills with Jess and Tyler so they knew what to do when Wiz raged. It was so bad I was afraid that one of us would end up dead or maimed and the other would end up in prison or dead from suicide. He just couldn't stay with us. Jess did NOT go out of her way to upset him or provoke him. She actually did far less than most little sisters would do, but he just couldn't stop trying to harm her. He never went after Tyler, but Tyler was always very scared.
I would not have brought Wiz back around his younger siblings unless he had straightened up. I don't recommend that you bring your oldest back to your state. I do understand how hard that is. In some ways it will be like he died, and you will have to grieve that way. I know I did when my son had to leave our home, and my son only went to live with my parents in the same town.
This might be good for your son. Depending on how long his sentence is, he might get sober for the first time in a very long time and figure out that it is a good thing. Then maybe he will want to stay sober. I would NOT pay for a sober house or rehab or anything for him when he is released. I would make him show you that he can do it before you allow any contact. Sometimes it is the drugs that lead to the behavior, especially in one so young.
I would encourage you to read a book called Choice Therapy by Dr. William Glasser. My stepmother-in-law spent her 2nd career traveling to prisons around the world to teach this therapy. She would take a team in to teach it to the "lifers" (prisoners who were not getting out ever). They would stay until the lifers could teach it to another group correctly. Then they would leave, and the program would continue. It teaches the inmates that their choices determine their consequences. That is simple for you and I, but for many inmates, that is a foreign concept. If privileges are taken in prison, it is the jailer taking them. It is not the inmate losing them for breaking a rule. The jailer is taking them for being mean or trying to oppress the inmate. This therapy helps change that. I am not describing very well, not at all, but it is quite effective. It might be something that you would be able to use in some way in your letters with your son. I know we used it at home with our son.
I am sorry you have had to deal with all of this. It is hard to admit that your son might be or is a sexual predator. My son was headed in that direction when he went into the hospital at age 12. They had a group for that and it was very helpful. I was surprised to find a group therapy program for that in a kids' ward, but it worked well for my son. It takes a LOT of courage to admit that your son has this problem, and I applaud you for being able to do this.
I was there for many years. My oldest, Wiz, had a real problem with his sister from the time she started to move on her own. When he was 12 he made a serious attempt to murder her. He spent 12 weeks in a psychiatric hospital for that. It was an awful experience.
Before and after that experience, we saw all kinds of doctors and therapists. So many times, the "experts" didn't seem to care about the impact of what they did on the other 2 kids. At one point I had to tell one of the psychologists that I was not going to sacrifice my 2 younger children on the altar of my oldest child's problems. I used that phrase quite a few more times as we worked through problems with Wiz.
When Wiz was 14, I had to have him removed from our home by the cops. He kept trying to get through me to kill his sister. We had actually done drills with Jess and Tyler so they knew what to do when Wiz raged. It was so bad I was afraid that one of us would end up dead or maimed and the other would end up in prison or dead from suicide. He just couldn't stay with us. Jess did NOT go out of her way to upset him or provoke him. She actually did far less than most little sisters would do, but he just couldn't stop trying to harm her. He never went after Tyler, but Tyler was always very scared.
I would not have brought Wiz back around his younger siblings unless he had straightened up. I don't recommend that you bring your oldest back to your state. I do understand how hard that is. In some ways it will be like he died, and you will have to grieve that way. I know I did when my son had to leave our home, and my son only went to live with my parents in the same town.
This might be good for your son. Depending on how long his sentence is, he might get sober for the first time in a very long time and figure out that it is a good thing. Then maybe he will want to stay sober. I would NOT pay for a sober house or rehab or anything for him when he is released. I would make him show you that he can do it before you allow any contact. Sometimes it is the drugs that lead to the behavior, especially in one so young.
I would encourage you to read a book called Choice Therapy by Dr. William Glasser. My stepmother-in-law spent her 2nd career traveling to prisons around the world to teach this therapy. She would take a team in to teach it to the "lifers" (prisoners who were not getting out ever). They would stay until the lifers could teach it to another group correctly. Then they would leave, and the program would continue. It teaches the inmates that their choices determine their consequences. That is simple for you and I, but for many inmates, that is a foreign concept. If privileges are taken in prison, it is the jailer taking them. It is not the inmate losing them for breaking a rule. The jailer is taking them for being mean or trying to oppress the inmate. This therapy helps change that. I am not describing very well, not at all, but it is quite effective. It might be something that you would be able to use in some way in your letters with your son. I know we used it at home with our son.
I am sorry you have had to deal with all of this. It is hard to admit that your son might be or is a sexual predator. My son was headed in that direction when he went into the hospital at age 12. They had a group for that and it was very helpful. I was surprised to find a group therapy program for that in a kids' ward, but it worked well for my son. It takes a LOT of courage to admit that your son has this problem, and I applaud you for being able to do this.
