Made a big decision about my difficult child and I'm just sick

[AK0603]

Thank you everyone, many of you have made me feel better about the decision. I just went to his school and talked to the principal, counseler, etc...and they seem to think it's the right decision as well, or at least it's a "can't hurt" decision.

I think as far as my marriage, I feel the frustration of difficult child is what is tearing it apart mainly. There are other issues but for instance when both boys are at their father's for the 8 wks for summer, our relationship is normal and happy, but we get so tired of the fighing and controling behaviors that it makes us be frustrated with everyone. By the end of the day everyone is upset and that's not fair to the other children who have done nothing wrong and just want to "play" with us. If that makes sense.

I think our relationship does make difficult child worse though. I don't want things to continue the way they are.

I'm off to nap, baby is asleep and my 3 yr old only slept about 5 hours, so she' is tired too! I got less than 2 hours. :frown:

Thank you all for your kind words and supportive comments.

 

[ellenr1]

Amy, my son has lived with his dad since we separated two and a half years ago. Does it feel good to have him sleep under a different roof at night? Heck, no. But he can't live with me full time, too many meltdowns and he has inflicted so much pain on his younger sister. She deserves to have a life, too.

I wish we were a normal family, but it's not realistic right now. If my ex couldn't have my son with him he would be in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) right now. And he may get have to be placed in one, given his lack of cooperation with his dad, lately.

You are a good mom. You want what is best for your son. I once belonged to a support group for parents of kids who had been through wilderness programs and experiential schools (i.e. , tough love, outward bound places for troubled kids), and I'll never forget listening to one of the more experienced parents saying that when you have a troubled child, sometimes the best treatment for them is the one that is least- nurturing to the parent...you almost have to go against your maternal instinct to help them. It's really hard, so go easy on yourself. And bless your ex for being willing to backstop you.

Good luck to you in getting through the transition.

 

[Ally]

The decision you are making is such a hard one but it sounds like it will best for all involved. It sounds like your difficult child puts the rest of your family at risk and thats not fair. I totally understand what you mean about how peaceful things are when he is not there. It is the same here with my difficult child. When she is home everyone walks on eggshells, when shes not here its so peaceful and everyone gets along and there is no yelling or fighting.

Give it a try, see if it works. Like you said, if it doesnt work he can always come home. You are not quitting on your son, just trying to give everyone involved a better life.

 

[busywend]

OK - I have very much been where you are right now. I did send my difficult child to live with her father (granted just a few towns over - not out of state) for one year. Very specific timeframe was agreed to. It was THE hardest decision of my life and very difficult to follow through for the entire year.

My difficult child did not show her true self for about 9 months. Then it did start to show. But, we now had 3 parents (step-mom included) working on straightening out the situations as they arose. It did help me gain some perspective and to take some time to find a sane me again.

Fast forward one year and I moved to the same town as Dex so she could continue to be in that new school district. We split time 50/50 at both houses because we are close enough to do that now. She just gets off the bus at whichever house she is sleeping at.

My difficult child (in my profile you will see she is actually an ex-difficult child now) has improved her attitude and disposition so much. I know she works on it. She learned alot about herself and her mom (me) during that year. I think she appreciates me more. Yes, she still has ADHD & Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) - she does not tic much now. But, the behavior problems are just so normal teen now.

Gotta go - at work - let me know if you have any more questions.

 

[OTE]

Part of this pain in my humble opinion is that he's so young. If he were a teen and already had some independence it might be easier on you. As Timer said, geography isn't everything. The first time mine was out of the house I was a basket case. But it does get better as he settles in.

My guiding philosophy has always been to try to keep my emotions out of any of these decisions. What is best for my child? If I make the decision on that basis I figure I can live with it for the rest of my life without regret.

About moving states, custody and so forth, my suggestion would be to take the advice of an attorney. In my experience since you are the full time caregiver and husband may not be a great one for the kids the kids go with the Mom. Extended family is a factor, as is housing options, better schools, job options for you, childcare situations, etc, etc. But it's really which parent can better care for the children that guides these things. But nothing is carved in stone and today's decision is tomorrow's appeal. I wouldn't factor that into any decision right now.

Along those lines, you're not signing away parental rights here. His other parent is going to care for him for awhile. Custody can always be changed, if it doesn't work out he'll be back. Don't think of it as a forever decision!

 

[AK0603]

At the time of divorce he was a okay daddy but they were very young, as they have grown up so has he and he's a good dad to them now.

Like one post before said, when you are away from someone they appreciate you more, so he does that with them.

They came with me at that time because he was immature and didn't want them full time, but now he's grown up, over 30 yrs old and remarried and matured a WHOLE lot.

I feel better today. Thanks.

 

[rejectedmom]

you have gotten great perspective from others already so I will just add my 2 cents. Sometimes a child just doesn't thrive in his environment no matter how loving. A child with special needs or mental health issues requires alot of attention. When there are many small children in the house the stress of not being able to meet everyone's needs all the time builds. A child with MH issues is very suceptible to even small amounts of stress and it will show in behaviors or sleep issues. Since his bio-Dad is willin to provide an only child environment I say go with it. It may be just the thing your son needs to thrive.

Remember to seperate your issues from your son's issues. Likewise, seperate his issues from yours and husband's. That is the only way you cam make the best possible decisions for all concerned. (((HUGS))) -RM

 

[AK0603]

Thank you, you all have helped me feel better about my decision, made me feel like I'm not good enough for him, and the fact that I'm a good parent just by doing what I have to do and it's NOT giving up on my little angel.

I think that he's going to test the waters there too. School called today, and informed me he was stating he didn't need to do any work because he's leaving Friday anyways, and if he hates it at his father's he can "be bad" and he'll send him back, so I just had a talk that he will not be returning for sure until after school ended, June 23rd and probally the whole summer and that is at the least.

He is smart and knows how to work it.

 

[amy4129]

Just checking on you and your son today. Glad you sound better today.
hugs
Amy