Manchild problems

[Copabanana]

You are in our club now. The why won't he work club? The why doesn't he want more for himself club? The why does he treat me like this club. The why does he not love me club.

Our club.

Remember Groucho Marx? I wouldn't be in a club that would have me as a member.

Well. None of us wanted to be here. But here we are. Together. And together it is not so bad. Trust us. Believe us. We are doing it and so will you.

PS They do love us. Little by little things will change. Stay with us. I hope you do.

 

[Copabanana]

I also fear he might try pot because it's going to be legalized. People think it's not addictive, but it is.

Crayola, you know my son is adopted, too. He was born drug-exposed, too. And always had a problem with anxiety.

I never linked the two, until now.

You are brave, Crayola. I did not face up front what could happen, and I was hijacked by it. I defended myself from my son, which made it all the harder.

Take care.

 

[SoStressedIJustCan't]

We haven't had these problems with our adopted son yet, but I'm trying to prepare myself for what might happen in the next few years. He was born addicted to cocaine and has serious anxiety problems. Technically, he is an addict. We have warned him what could happen if he ever picks up a drug or even alcohol. His anxiety problems are under control now, but it wasn't always that way. My fear is that one day when he's having a panic attack, he might get Valium from a friend and get hooked. His therapist has given him strategies for the panic disorder, and they really help. I also fear he might try pot because it's going to be legalized. People think it's not addictive, but it is. He has a genetic predisposition plus he was born addicted, so even having a beer could open up a Pandora's box. He will be ridiculed and possibly socially ostracized for not trying pot and drinking, so I came on this site to see if I could help him avoid the temptations and work through the peer pressure he's certain to face. I have students who think there is nothing wrong with underage drinking, but if you were born addicted to cocaine, you're technically an addict.

I really hope you don't have any of these problems with your son. I'm sorry he came into the world already being addicted, I couldn't imagine that. It's great that you took him in and are giving him a loving home. Not all kids fall prey to peer pressure. My daughter never did, and my son really didn't, he did it because he wanted too. My daughter is 18 and smokes pot. She said it relaxes her because she's so her grades, that she's needs a stress reliever. She's in her first year of college and she's a biology major. I can't complain too much, her grades are great, she works when she's home and she's very responsible. My son, however doesn't smoke he drinks and takes bars. Apparently he likes jail too. He's a sweet kid but only when things are going his way. Alot of how they turn out has to do with their group of friends. That's key to make sure you weed out any potential problem ones. I made my daughter choose a sport and two clubs every year throughout HS, to keep her busy. My son refused. I also put her in ap class to keep her out of general population. It worked for her and she was not allowed to hang out with kids that their parents weren't involved. We all got onto the girls if one of them did something wrong, it really helped. It does take a village to raise these kids. My son was so difficult I could not get him to even listen.

 

[SoStressedIJustCan't]

Why don't you look at old threads. In the upper right corner of the page you will see "search." As search terms, enter words like guilt, despair, devastated, etc. Every mother here is has been where you are many, many times.

What in the world did you do where you should feel guilty? All you are doing now is trying to save his life, your own, and your family.
Who cares what he thinks? He is off the deep end. What kind of idiot with such a nice mother goes to jail 6 times in a short time? A very confused young man. He is not talking sense. Pretend he is delirious. Because he is.

Stop listening to that garbage, that nonsense. You have to decide to STOP. This is a moral position. You are right. He is wrong. Find that place in yourself. I know it is there.

Right now, go to a quiet place where you are alone. Pay attention only to your breath. Your breathing in and out. Try to visualize the boundaries of your body as you rest against the bed, chair, sofa. Keep paying attention to breathing in and breathing out. You will feel calmer, safer, more at peace.

This will sound airy-fairy but it helps. Most of all stop talking to him for now. He is being destructive and hurtful. No matter how much you love him and how good a person he is intrinsically, he is out of control right now. And you will feel out of control around him. That is his plan.

You may be having a little bit of a panic attack. Join the club. You will be OK.
Stop this, too, please! These kinds of words and thinking only hurts you.

All you are doing is setting a limit. Just like you did when he was a toddler. You are containing him to keep him safe, and your family safe. This is not an ending. It is a beginning.

This is what I need to hear. He is now gone and I will take some quiet time to get right. I will be reading alot on this forum and others, I wish I knew about this site sooner, it really is helpful to not feel so alone.

 

[Copabanana]

You are not alone. Trust me. There will be people here for you, other parents mainly, who are exactly where you are. Our names are different, we live all over the world. But we share your challenge and your pain.

Apparently he likes jail too.

Funny.

He's a sweet kid but only when things are going his way. Alot of how they turn out has to do with their group of friends.

So true. But that is what growing up is about. They begin to choose their own environment, and do not realize what the potential is for harm. That happened to my own son, too.

You are already sounding way, way stronger.
Take it easy tonight. This is way enough for one night (assuming you are on the East Coast.)

 

[SoStressedIJustCan't]

You are not alone. Trust me. There will be people here for you, other parents mainly, who are exactly where you are. Our names are different, we live all over the world. But we share your challenge and your pain.
Funny.
So true. But that is what growing up is about. They begin to choose their own environment, and do not realize what the potential is for harm. That happened to my own son, too.

You are already sounding way, way stronger.
Take it easy tonight. This is way enough for one night (assuming you are on the East Coast.)

I like the way your think, I'm up and down. Some days are easier than others. I thank you for being blunt with me. Today was bad, when he and I fight it's always had, so many things said that can never be taken back.

 

[BusynMember]

Crayola, don't panic yet. My 23 year old son was born with cocaine in his system. He never drinks or smokes anything. I warned him too. He REALLY isn't interested in substances. So there is hope for your son too.

So stressed, I think you need to do this your way. Honestly, the older our kids get, functional or not, the less we matter unless they want something from us. They move on to relationships, good or bad, but that significant other is who they most want to love them.

Sometimes they dont pick good partners, but the partner becomes the most important person in their life. You may have seen this with your sons boyfriend. The SO becomes #1.

A reminder:

Whenever you get a response here, understand we are sharing from the heart, but we are not right or wrong. Take whatever you like from the often confusing, differing feedback you get. What works for you? If nothing I say resonates, discard it. Same with any advice. We are novices, stumbling to find the right way for you.

We do care. All of us care. But none of us are experts. We are just moms and we are trying on different hats ourselves.

Hugs and good luck. This is hard and without a manuel. That's were Al Anon or a private therapist can help. Al Anon and therapy saved me when I felt confused and lost and didnt know what to do. Or when I felt guilty. A neutral third party is often able to give us great clarity. And strength.

We all hold your hand.

 

[Copabanana]

so many things said that can never be taken back.

Stop it!

Every breath gives another opportunity. He knows you love him. He knows the depth of your love. Of course you react from pain. Everybody does.

If you keep making yourself feel worse, through heaping on the guilt, you make it harder to control yourself when you get angry, because you have more to defend.

Instead forgive yourself, and begin again. Please try.

If you cannot forgive yourself, it will mean that I should not forgive myself, either. And I really, really deserve mercy.

What was your crime, really? My own? Love?
Fighting for a beloved? Doing whatever it takes to get his attention, up to including putting yourself and your life on the line?

Is that such a crime? I don't think so. But you will learn here that it does not help. Self-sacrifice and self-destruction make it worse.

It is living from your value, your worth, your best self, your commitment to yourself and your family as a whole, (which implicitly includes your son, but not explicitly as long as he hurts you and himself.)

You matter. For yourself. Just for yourself. And we are important, we parents. But not dead or defeated. Alive, and strong. And confident. That is why protecting yourself matters.

I may write like I know something. I do not. I am trying to remember myself what is important. By writing to you, I remember who I am.

I hope you went to rest. I am going to sign off now, too. I am trying to get my closet a bit more organized. Take care. Be well.