Matt gave up -

[Steely]

I could feel it coming. I tried to warn his therapists and doctors., no one listened. They were pushing him really hard to achieve certain things to go on to the next level. They were looming this big carrot of "passing on to transition" if he did all of these different things. Every time he did not achieve the goals, they took away his ability to qualify to pass on to transition. Today he lost his mind. He ran away. They finally got him to surrender and then he tore the car up, spit on everyone, screamed profanities, etc.

As it stands now, I am not sure where he is. Perhaps on his way to phosph, or jail - or maybe back to the program. At least not wandering the streets.

He totally just let everything go he had been working so hard on. He has not had an outburst in almost a year. Then he wanted to move to the next level, and they started riding him hard about doing all of these things - and bam - he went right on over the edge.

I cannot take this anymore. He is turning 19 next week. If he bombs out of this program, then he will be homeless, without job skills, without support - I have no idea what will happen to him. None. And I cannot be on this roller coaster anymore. I do not want to care about him, or his life, or his situation. But I do. So unbelievably much the pain resonates throughout my entire being. It is killing me. All I could think about today when he was missing was how he could not spend the night out and homeless, because that is how my sister died. I truly was not sure I could make it through the night with him missing. I cannot lose him. I can't.

Thank you for your prayers and support. I am so sad. Things had been going so well. And now what. I am right back where I was a year ago with this kid.

 

[Steely]

Just got word that Matt was picked up the police and is on his way to the ER. If I did not have extended custody he would be in jail. If he continues to not calm down he might be in jail. I don't know. They are supposed to call me later.

I cannot do this anymore. I give up too Matthew. I give up too.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh honey. Don't give up. I know, believe me I KNOW how hard it is but please don't give up.

Sending one big huge giant hug across the miles, and I will keep you and Matt in my prayers. I am so sorry this is happening.

 

[Hound dog]

Oh Steely!!

Feel me reaching out thru cyber space and putting my arms around you and hugging you tight.

Matt was working so very hard. D*mn them for pushing him beyond his limits. You'd think trained professionals could see and recognize the warning signs that he was reaching his breaking point. I'm so very sorry he ran. But releaved they've picked him up and he's at the ER.

Prayers going out for both you and Matt tonight.

((((hugs))))

 

[Steely]

Thank you guys. OMG I wish you were here in my living room. I am so freaking sad.
The police almost had to tazer him...........and I have no confidence that he would not have been hurt in that scuffle. That scares the bejeezus out of me.
Apparently he has finally calmed down and is being admitted. I want to hurl. He was doing so well. So well.

 

[flutterby]

I'm so sorry.

(((hugs)))

 

[ThreeShadows]

Sweetie, I wish there existed a shared language of pain which had just the right words to tell you how much we all care and how much we all understand your agony. There is no other way to say "we love you and hope that you wake up from this nightmare". Loving vibes coming from Maryland...

 

[Steely]

Thank you. I need to wake up from the nightmare. And so does Matt.

I had a real nightmare last night. Oddly enough it was of Matt, on the streets, and me trying to save him. I would rather not have a preview into my next day's events, for any Gods that are listening.

Thanks again for your support. I want the pain to stop for both of us. Somehow. Someway.

 

[witzend]

I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could say that would help. I hope that if he gets back to the program that they will look at what they did that wasn't working. There's no shame in backing off if he wasn't ready, and they shouldn't be ashamed to back off, either.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Steely,

I'm sending you a loving hug. I wish I had some good advice but I just don't know what to say. At least you know he is safe, which is number one priority for you.

Keep us posted.

Love, Esther

 

[JJJ]

(((Hugs)))

 

[katya02]

Steely, I'm so sorry. It's heartbreaking to have something like this happen after a long period of stability. Just sending {{{hugs}}} and good thoughts. Please keep us posted.

 

[KTMom91]

Steely, I'm so sorry. Sending many soft hugs.

 

[Suz]

Aw man!!!!!!!!!!!! This brings back so many memories, Steely. I can't tell you the number of times Rob would get just.this.close to moving up another level and then sabotaging himself. He just couldn't take the pressure.

sigh

It's so difficult to be on the outside looking in, knowing that there isn't a darn thing you can do to help him because he's the only person who can do it.

Gentle hugs,
Suz

 

[Star*]

Steely,

Sending Matthew HUGE hugs...and peace and angels and calm and prayers and love and hope. I send the same for you too.

I know exactly what you mean, how you mean it and the desperation, fear, anger and all the other jumbled up mess that goes with it. Makes you just want to scream NOTHING IS FAIR ABOUT THIS - WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE MY KID A FREAKING CHANCE? WHY!!!?? Hon - I wish I had an answer for you, for us all. I really do. But somewhere in all of it there has to be the answer for Matthew. I really don't understand why it all has to seem so close and then explode...Dude did the same thing so many times and it's exhausting for everyone.

I'm glad you had extended custody - very smart on your part to stay involved like that. VERY smart. Keep up posted on how it goes. Take care of you. You're the only Steely we have. Hug Matthew for us.

Sending major hugs.
Star

 

[Nancy]

Sending hugs but wishing I could do more. Gosh do I ever understand your emotions.

Nancy

 

[Nomad]

I'm so very sorry.
Surely, your anxiety will improve if you give at least some of this up.
Please read the detachment literature.
You have extended custody and this might be good thing. You might want to use it to keep an eye out on his behalf...making sure he receives good treatment...good medical and psychological care.
Much of what needs to take place will be "on him." He will have to find strength with-i himself to get better and you can not do this for him.
It is a horrible fact of life and it is horribly unfair and painful and I am profoundly sorry. I have been there done that and it pains me almost daily.
However, the pain lessons (gets better) for me when I give up the stresses involved and when I give up trying to take control of something that is not something that I can control.
Often, I have to simply say a prayer and ask for spiritual help because it is beyond my understanding.
If you re read what you have written or simply think about how you feel, you will realize that you need/crave release from the excess stress and the only way you can do this is to take on a new attitude/outlook about it all.
Go to Suz's detachment website and read this and the Serenity Prayer.
You are a mom and you will want to help and that is fine and acceptable...but shake out the excessive emotional part of it as best as you can so that you can enjoy others in your life like a spouse, other children, good friends....see the beauty that is still around you.
Let your mantra be...that a Higher Power and good doctors will help your son help himself and that you are a strong woman and can 'handle' anything that may or may not come down the pike. In the meantime, you are going to help your son as best as you are able, but you are going to enjoy life to the fullest anyway.
Again, I am sorry.
(Hugs)

 

[Fran]

As Suz, mentioned it is not unusual for a difficult child to do so well then get afraid or anxious enough to self sabotage his next step.
It's unfortunate that he ran away but I'm sure he is afraid of going to the next step. He isn't hurt but I know when they are out of control anything can happen. The hospital is a good place for him to settle down. Hopefully, therapy can help him work through his fears.

Hugs.

 

[Steely]

I'm so very sorry.
Surely, your anxiety will improve if you give at least some of this up.
However, the pain lessons (gets better) for me when I give up the stresses involved and when I give up trying to take control of something that is not something that I can control.
Often, I have to simply say a prayer and ask for spiritual help because it is beyond my understanding.
If you re read what you have written or simply think about how you feel, you will realize that you need/crave release from the excess stress and the only way you can do this is to take on a new attitude/outlook about it all.

(Hugs)

Yes, Nomad you are 100% correct. I crave a release from the stress of this all, and the only way to do that is to detach. You are completely on target. I am doing better with this, but I am only 20% towards 100% of detachment. I simply do not want to care anymore, but I know that is not a healthy sort of detachment. For now, however, that is all I can try to do. Where is Suz's website??

 

[mstang67chic]

I'm so sorry Steely but I'm glad he's been found and is safe. HUGS.

I could feel it coming. I tried to warn his therapists and doctors., no one listened. They were pushing him really hard to achieve certain things to go on to the next level.

Do they believe you NOW?