Matt has been using drugs

[Steely]

I don't even know if I can fully comprehend this new fact about Matt. I am still in shock. The program called me today to tell me he is back on the stabilization unit, because he has been threatening and not working the program, and............that he has been busted for smoking weed.

I am just really unsure on how to even process this. I just felt so sure he would not use drugs since he watched what his father went through. He always said he would never do drugs. And he never has. And now, on top of being bi-polar, and a butt head, and letting his whole life cascade out of control...........he has decided he will smoke pot. Seriously. I am done. I don't even know how to feel or what to say.

I think Holmes' quote in my sig attests to every feeling I have right now. As much as I want to give up hope - I cannot - and I will not - yet I want to, just to be free from the burden of it.

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs...

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs)))

 

[Lucedaleblessed]

Hugs...

But how can he get weed into a campus that is supposed to be isolated from even the local community? I don't get that.

Are there students leaving the campus on daily basis or are the some workers from maintenance companies working there?

 

[katya02]

{{Hugs}}

 

[1905]

HUGS-Alyssa

 

[slsh]

Steely - I'm so sorry.

I hate drugs. Passionately.

I hope the program is able to plug up the source.

Many hugs to you.

 

[horserider]

So sorry about the news.
(hugs)

 

[Steely]

The kids go in and out of the program to attend college, etc. It is easy to get drugs in and out if a kid is determined. However, the program has been really diligent about doing searches on the kids, and keeping this problem at bay. Apparently this is a new resident who found a new source and a new loophole.

This happened 6 months ago at the program as well, and Matt was absolutely repelled by the situation. He has always been so anti-drugs! I just can't understand what would have happened in his brain to cause him to somehow switch gears and decide this was what he wanted to do. It is like this is just another way for him to give up, and remain de-railed in life. But why? What is keeping him from wanting to go forward and pursue happiness?

 

[Nancy]

Steely, oh how I understand your feelings, and your quote is perfect for me too.

Some difficult child's do everything possible to derail their lives and no matter what anyone does to try to stop that they find a way to keep on that same path. The thing about rock bottom is that it is different for everyone.

I'm so sorry you are walking this lonely path, but you are surely not alone.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[Nomad]

((Hugs))

 

[DDD]

I'm so sorry. After years and years of hearing and reading about pot I honestly think it must be terribly appealing. Evidently your problems seem to disappear and you feel peaceful in most cases. So many of our difficult child's have spent a lifetime struggling to feel normal that the temptation is far greater than one would think. My easy child/difficult child has not used drugs for three or four years. He is an alcoholic. According to him it is still difficult to stay away from pot. Plus he knows that the alcohol causes him to get into trouble (loud, unthinking etc and in jeophardy of arrest for unruliness) where the pot use didn't alter his personality.

Much to my big surprise, I recently found out that at least one midde age very successful adult relative uses pot every month or two to ease the tensions of parenting teens and managing a slew of businesses. It must be quite a temptation.

I hope your son did not have the pleasant experience that some of our kids had. Personally I think that heredity plays a bigger role in alcohol and drug use than most of us recognize. Fingers crossed it was a one time thing. Hugs. DDD

 

[slsh]

Steely, based on convos with- thank you, moving forward, pursuing happiness, taking control of his life is simply much too much work for him. It overwhelms him and seems to be an impossible task. The disordered thought processes he has really shine through when we talk about him getting a life. It is just too hard for him and he therefore refuses to try. Even when we break a goal down into the simplest of steps - nope, not going to happen. If it doesn't happen instantly, then it's just "too hard" and not worth it to him.

Drugs are an easy out. Much better than medication (because that also requires "work" - dr. appts, rxs, copays, insurance cards, etc.). He can feel "good" with no effort. And of course he doesn't get to feel as good on prescription medications. Street drugs, he can just be oblivious which is apparently his preferred state these days.

It's a very difficult mindset to work with.

 

[witzend]

I'm so sorry to hear this latest development. Pot is not the weed we grew up with that made you lazy and goofy and hungry. It adds a paranoia that is indescribable. That's the last thing that Matt needs. I hope that they will help him figure this out. I hope that you will not let this stop you in your recovery from all you have been through this last couple of years.

 

[Steely]

Steely, based on convos with- thank you, moving forward, pursuing happiness, taking control of his life is simply much too much work for him. It overwhelms him and seems to be an impossible task. The disordered thought processes he has really shine through when we talk about him getting a life. It is just too hard for him and he therefore refuses to try. Even when we break a goal down into the simplest of steps - nope, not going to happen. If it doesn't happen instantly, then it's just "too hard" and not worth it to him.

Yep. That is exactly it. Everything is "too hard". Everything overwhelms him. I simply do not understand it. And because I do I not understand it - I don't know what it is he needs. Slsh, what is helping thank you? Where has his journey taken him?

I am so worried that Matt will simply stop trying all together, and then he will be on the street, without any job or life skills. I feel as if I need to prevent that from happening since I am the one that has him in a program that has kept him from interfacing with the real world. Between homeschooling and then this program, he has lead a very sheltered life - and now if the bottom falls out - he will have nothing to fall back on. I almost feel like this program is making things worse. Suggestions?

 

[slsh]

Well ... not sure I'd recommend the path we're currently on. husband and I may be really wrong but it's not for lack of consideration and thought and a whole lot of tears. We're to the point where we think nothing will help thank you until thank you: a) Recognizes he needs help; b) is willing to ask for help; and c) is will to pay the cost to get help, "cost" meaning cooperation and compliance. And so we wait...

He's living with- girlfriend and her mother. It's a very bad situation. Unemployed, lots of drug use. Very bad.

I totally understand what you're saying about Matt being sheltered, with no skills. thank you left for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at age 9. He's lived at home a total of 6 months since then, minus the hospital stays during those 6 months. No skills, no education, nada.

We cannot help him if he fights us every step of the way. We cannot make him care about being malnourished, addicted, used. We cannot keep him from giving up. There are absolutely no services available for a person who refuses to use them.

I've been on the board now for over ten years, and I've seen a lot of parents talking about how their kids have had to hit rock bottom before they started to make changes. "Rock bottom" was kind of an abstract concept to me then. I don't think I ever *really* understood how hard it is to stand by and wait.

In thank you's case, I don't think it's preventable. No, I take that back. It *is* preventable but thank you is the only one who can do that. We can help but we can't do it all.

So... I don't know what the answer is. My mother's heart says keeping Matt in a program as long as possible is preferrable over the alternative.

 

[Steely]

Sue..........I am so glad you understand.

I am not sure I really understood the magnitude of Matt's manipulation until tonight. I talked with one of the counselors there, who told me, detail by detail, Matt's extent of manipulation. I seriously felt betrayed. Could this guy be correct? If so, I feel betrayed.

Regardless, Matt is betraying himself, more than anyone else. I cried when this counselor talked about Matt's great sense of humor, and how awesome he is in certain situations - because he is. But I cried even more when he talked about how hostile, aggressive and manipulative he is.

Matt has so many talents, all of them wasted right now. I put everything into him being successful. Everything. And yet I failed. I was too much. He needed tough love, not me. He would be in jail now, if it were not for this "program" he is in. Perhaps tough love is what he needed all of this time. I don't know. I only know that I failed him.

 

[crazymama30]

Steely, I don't usually post on pe as my difficult child is very young, but I don't think you failed Matt. There is a quote by Maya Angelou (forgive me if I mispelled her name) and it goes something like I did the best I knew, and when I knew better I did better. I think this applies to the way we treat and obtain treatment for our difficult child's. You did nothing purposeful to hinder Matt, you did what you thought best at the time.

He is making his own choices now, and as far as I am concerned they do not reflect you. If there was any way you could make Matt not mentally ill you would do it. Any of us would do that for our kids or so's, but it is not possible. Oh how I wish it was.


I can only imagine the heartache you and others have experienced due to your difficult child's, and mostly the reason I can is due to husband and not difficult child yet as he is only 12 and I don't, I cannot bear to think about difficult child in some of these situations it is just too much. I see no reason I should.

Steely, all I can do is offer you a cyber shoulder to lean on and tell you that I have kept up with your and Matt's story and in my humble opinion you have done the best you can. No one can ask more of you, and if they do you tell me. I will go take out all the frustrations from the last month on them, and I have had more frustrations in the last month than in the last few years.

 

[Lucedaleblessed]

Steely.

Could it be that his drug use has something to do with him trying to understand his father and the actions his father made? Our children seems to copy us and even our poor decisions in life are sometime copied just so they can understand why we make choices as we do.

Perhaps the therapy had made him understand that he needs to get some kind of closure regarding the relationship with his father before he can move on. Then he tried something he might have seen his father do with the tools at hand.

Second of all he might even be scared about making the wrong decisions if he moves to a part of the program where he can leave the secure settings of the campus and face the real world.

The often remote location of the campus works two ways. It for the most protects them against the threats of various temptations, but it also provides them with a daily life where they just have to follow directions. It can be very scaring to leave such a place and risk failure, so some makes the choice to stall their progress in the program so they can remain inside this secure setting longer.

I am very touched with your situation and can understand the shock. Of course some students will try to find every possible way to smuggle drugs on the campus, however if the program has been in operation for years, they should have seen it all.

 

[Star*]

Hi Steely,

I think sometimes there is an overwhelming urge to somehow try to make sense of our childrens poor decisions, and make them our own shortcomings. If I can attach a reason to the action I can rationalize it, file it and store it in my brain under "Mistakes I made as a Mother, or Things I will try better at as a parent, or Note to self upon seeing child again rip him a new one."

None of which are helpful, productive or will make a bit of difference in the future BUT - somehow over the years out of habit became a sort of "security" blanket for my hurting heart. I still do some of this to a degree - we all do. We are taught and try to teach our children to be rational, think rationally, and drugs and destructive behaviors aren't rational.

Think about it - when you heard Matthew was doing drugs- was your first reaction ' Matthew WANTED to do drugs to get high because he just wanted to?' or was it that it had to be something like 'he's stressed out, he's failing at life, he's angry at his Father, he can't take the pressures of the world?". WE make excuses for them. I did with my x and I was probably the worst enabler I ever knew until I knew what an enabler was. When I figured out that being that wasn't healthy? I left. I left for my son, for me and yes...for him.

Sounds almost self serving and true I have no idea what it's like to be a teen in the world today, but then I think there are plenty of kids who had really horrible lives that aren't drinking their lives away choosing drugs over struggle - and walk away and choose not to. I'm sorry that Matt chose to smoke pot. I'm sorry ALL our kids choose to make really horrible decisions for their lives when they know WAY better.

You're a good Mom - You've done your best - You've done better then anyone ever asked of you - that's above and beyond. How much more are you going to beat yourself up over HIS choices? (I keep asking myself the same thing about Dude -so it's rhetorical) My Mom recently said - it's not a matter of "I don't love YOU when you say -I can't. It's a line in the sand that says I love you enough to say no." (I'm still working on that one) -literally.

It's also not a matter of YOU giving up. There's nothing TO give up. You're his Mom - you're not giving up on being his Mom. But you can stop getting upset about every stupid choice he makes for his 18 year old man self. (I'm still working on that one - too)

Hang in there Mom.
Hugs
Star