Matt has been using drugs

[Steely]

Hi Steely,

I think sometimes there is an overwhelming urge to somehow try to make sense of our childrens poor decisions, and make them our own shortcomings. If I can attach a reason to the action I can rationalize it, file it and store it in my brain under "Mistakes I made as a Mother, or Things I will try better at as a parent, or Note to self upon seeing child again rip him a new one."

Yes, so true, there is definitely is a biological urge to file all mistakes perceived or true in our mother brain. I totally agree, and it serves no purpose, other than to make me feel horrible.

Crazy thanks for your touching encouragement. Maya Angelou is one of my favorites.

I think bottom line, the thing I am struggling with is that I do not feel like I can let go and have Matt's decisions be Matts because there are still too many "professionals" interfering in his life that I am responsible for. I am responsible for Matt being in this program. I chose it, and I am the one that is making him stay there. What if that is not the right decision?????

What if the whole reason Matt is acting out is because he feels trapped and controlled by the massive amount of "help" he is getting - and he can't take it anymore. Honestly, frankly, that is how I would feel. I have been in his situation, so I know first hand how suffocated he may feel. So I am simply not sure if I am projecting my feelings onto him - or indeed - he can't take the over involved, controlling, invasive, negative environment that I am making hims stay in.

 

[DammitJanet]

Steely...I dont think you can second guess yourself. I would, if given the chance to keep my kid in such a program, keep my kid where he is. I think they need to be protected until they hit at least 20 or 21. The brain doesnt fully develop until mid twenties. Cory was still a stupid idiot at 19. Heck he is still stupid but he is so much better today.

Please dont take so much on you about Matt's choices. I know how hard it is not to feel that we are responsible for everything they do. I have lived and died for so long over everything that Cory has done. It felt like I was a puppet on a string. Finally I have detached enough that I can be sad and upset..FOR him...but I dont get upset for me. I can actually go for days and not think about his problems. I love him dearly. I enjoy him but he has to make his life work. I tried desperately to give him the tools to do this and if he wants to get more tools I will tell him where to go to get them, but I cant shove those tools in his hands. He has to figure out the world for himself. I will cheer for him when he gets a step right though!

 

[Suz]

Hi Steely,

The complete Maya Angelou quote is in my signature. It's helped me forgive myself many times over the years.

Rob was in a program but could sign himself out at any point after he turned 18. I never told him that, of course (LOL) so he stuck it out until he graduated from high school (I told him then) and then signed himself out. He was still on probation for several months after that because he'd gotten himself into some judicial problems but at least he was "out" of the program.

Since Matt is 19, what's preventing him from signing himself out, too?

Suz

 

[Steely]

Nothing is preventing Matt from signing out other than he knows he has zero life skills. He knows he can walk, but that he would be stuck in Idaho, with no money, no job, and nowhere to live. He would actually have to be resourceful enough to exist by himself, and although I know he could, I don't think he wants to. However, he does want to be rescued.

I also have extended custody over him, so the times he was mentally unstable, and he walked the program, I had him picked up and placed back in the program. Again, that brings me back to being not sure if I am doing the right thing. I am holding all the cards, and betting on this one program.

 

[rejectedmom]

Drugs stink, mental illness stinks, the two together really stink, I'm sorry that you have to watch him further complicate his life. -RM

 

[totoro]

I am so sorry.

 

[trinityroyal]

Steely,

My inclination would be to keep Matt in the program, as Janet says, at least until he's 20 or 21 and has had a chance to mature some more.

I understand the feeling of holding all the cards, and wondering whether you've made the right choice. When you first put Matt in this program it seemed like the right choice for him. What were the reasons for that? They more than likely still apply now.

Sue, I can completely relate to your description of thank you, as my difficult child is so much like that in his thoughts and actions. If it requires any effort at all beyond breathing in and out, difficult child wants nothing to do with it. My difficult child is in a highly structured, 100% supervised Residential Treatment Center (RTC)/Assisted Living program with 24/7 wraparound support. He has acquired life skills, self care skills, even academic and vocational skills (and I never thought I'd see the day THAT would happen). Thing is, outside of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) environment, he regresses right back to square one. The only reason he does anything is that the program makes it much easier to follow the rules than not to. They know difficult child's buttons and they push them.

Slowly but surely life skills are sinking into difficult child's head, despite himself. I wonder if Matt is experiencing the same thing. Sometimes the pressure of that can cause them to want to bolt, even though they know that staying is good for them. I wonder if, like my difficult child, Matt breaks rules so that he can have a more tightly controlled environment around him because he is incapable of just coming out and asking for help.

I'm sorry I'm rambling, but I'm thinking as I type.

I agree with others who have said that you shouldn't second-guess yourself. It sounds like the program is the right place for Matt to be right now.

Trinity

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Thinking of you, Steely, and praying for you and Matt.

Drugs is the easiest way out. You don't have to think, you don't have to feel, you don't have to be responsible. I did it for years. He may not be capable of doing what he needs to do...or, as in my case, he may not THINK he is capable. It is very hard to try if you think you will just fail. I did that for years too.

I so could speak for him right now, having been through what I have been through. Likewise, I could almost speak for you too, going through what I am going through right now. Please don't second guess yourself. There is no right or wrong, only what we think is best. You are his mother. You know what is best for him better than anybody else on this planet. The "right" thing is never the easy thing.

Sending warm hugs.