Maybe I'm crazy

[KityKat]

Hi
I kinda sorta introduced my self a while ago in someone else's topic. I still don't quite know what to say.
I have a 19 year old daughter who never had any trouble in her life till she was maybe 13. Even at that time it seems minimal: temper tantrums and/or bad language. She was an excellent student right up till her HS graduation. When she graduated all hell broke out. She would go out and stay out till 4 am. She would say because she was over 18 and working part time and going to college in the fall I/we had no control over her. I explained that if she was living in the house she had to obey some house rules and coming in at 4 am wasn't allowed. She lied about where she went and ended up in some pretty dangerous situations while I thought she was at a friends house.
When she went away to college (3 hours away) I was thrilled. She would have to handle her own hours and I wouldn't be awake all night worrying. I had no reason to believe that she wouldn't do well in school, she had graduated HS with Honors and school work came easy for her. Well I sure was wrong on that one. She came home at Christmas after I had told her if she was planning on staying out till 4 am and later like she did at Thanksgiving that she probably shouldn't come home for break. More promises of being in at a decent time (I don't call 2 am early) but never kept. On one of these late nights out she was a passenger in a car that was T-Boned by a pickup truck. She almost died with a ruptured spleen and spent Christmas in ICU. When she was feeling better she asked her younger sister to bring her a notebook from home. In the notebook there was a legal paper for community service she had to do for shoplifting in the college town. She had absolutely no need for the item she took and a big chunk of financial aid in her checking account if she did want the item. I again was shocked she had never stolen that I know of before. Next her grades arrived and she had dropped 2 of her courses at the last minute because she was flunking them and did flunk the other two classes. So she had 0 credits for the semester.
At that point she began living a lie to her friends. She led them to believe that she had done well in college and had taken distance learning for the spring semester, told them she wanted to return to school but I and the doctor wouldn't allow her to do so (she was cleared by her surgeon to go back a couple of days after the semester started if she wanted). Next she told everyone I was keeping her a virtual prisoner in her house and forcing her to go to summer semester at a community college. That I wouldn't allow her to transfer to a different college when in reality he grades were preventing her not me. The Community college was her only choice with her college grades and it was her idea to "redeem herself" by doing well for 2 semesters at the CC and then transferring to a different college she thought she'd like better. Well in the middle of this summer semester she received a huge financial settlement on the accident. She bought a new car, and then totally went off the deep end. Six nights in a row she was out till 4 or later. She stopped doing school work and then at the last minute decided she wanted to pass the courses and again used me as her excuse to the school and teachers. She wrote the teachers e mails saying I had thrown her out of the house and kept her laptop and she was forced to live three hours from school with her grown brother (she was living home, had her lap top and her brother lives 45 minutes away) She begged them to allow her to pass in work later. Somehow she managed to pass and get decent grades on 3 of the 4 classes.
I'm coming to the end of this story, I promise. I found the e mails and when I asked why on earth would she once again blame me. She packed her bags and trash bags and left the house with everything she owned. It's been a month now and we haven't heard a word from her. I think she's quit her part time job and probably has no intention of going back to school, she's lost all her financial aid no matter what. I know I can't do anything but I'm still very worried for her and wonder what things in her life have led her to this point. Thanks for reading this very long post.

Kity

 

[Kjs]

Wish I could respond positive for you. Going through issues with my 24 yr old. He never was a problem either.
Sounds as if your daughter is not mature enough to accept responsibility.

Thank goodness she came out of the auto wreck alive. How scary.

If she transfers to another college I would remind her she needs to accept consequences of her actions.

 

[busywend]

Do you think she is doing drugs?

 

[DammitJanet]

It sounds very complicated.

There could be many reasons for the almost blink of the eye turn around with your daughter. It could be drugs, it could be something has happened to her you dont know about, it could be an emerging mental illness. We really dont know.

Im sorry that this is happening but until she decides to hit bottom and ask for help there is really nothing you can do about it. Thats what is so tough about it when they are legally adults. They can mess up their lives so badly and we cant do a thing but watch helplessly.

I hope she pulls it together quickly without too much lasting damage. Some do. I hope she is one of them.

 

[Suz]

I'm glad you shared your story.

I agree with DammitJanet about the possibilities...and that there isn't a dang thing you can do about it until she asks for help and you can evaluate what's going on.

I'm sorry.

Suz

 

[KityKat]

Thanks for the replies. I really never thought that she was using drugs but I've since had to realize that is certainly a possibility for her behavior. I'm also considering mental illness. She was adopted at 4 months old and I have absolutely no medical or mental health history on her birth family. She's never "showed" that she has struggled with her adoption but of course that certainly is a possiblity. She's always known her information on the adoption and nothing has been kept secret in that respect.

She does have mood swings and has for a few years (since maybe 12 or 13) she can be in a good mood one minute and suddenly she gets mad about something and screams, and slams doors and has kicked more than one hole in the walls. This has gotten worse this last year. Her sister is often the victim of her anger but seldom in a physical way although she has hit her a couple of times. On the other hand she can be terrible cruel in her words to her sister. Her sister is an adverage student and she has called her stupid many times. She also calls her sister dirty all the time (beleive me that isn't true). Her sister is thrilled she's no longer home and I can understand that. Just as info her sister was also adopted as an infant so it isn't a I'm adopted your not kind of thing. Thanks again for listening

Kity

 

[meowbunny]

It could be so many things but if you hadn't seen any signs of any issues previously, I'd go with she's too young for the responsibilities that go with being an adult. I truly believe that the "magic" numbers of 18 and 21 create more havoc in homes than puberty. They think they're adults with all the rights and privileges of adulthood but are totally unwilling to accept the responsibilities of adulthood.

I wouldn't be surprised if she's experimenting with drugs and, sadly, college and alcohol frequently go hand in hand. It is hard to determine how serious the drug and/or alcohol use is without concrete evidence or her being willing to tell you.

If your daughter does as mine did, she will leave like she did, claim you kicked her out to everyone (including herself), go from friend to friend until there is no place left to go and then ask to come back home. This happened on three occasions with my daughter. The first two times, I was so happy to have her back that I didn't put any real rules into effect. I'd say she had to follow a curfew, pay rent, etc. but then not enforce them.

The last time, she called and asked if she could come home (not just hinted). I told her the rules in advance and said if they were broken, she would be leaving by my choice and would not be coming back. We would have to have a relationship at a distance. She agreed to the rules. She has been home for two months now and things are so much better.

So, until she is reached her bottom, she's probably going to party hearty. When her friends are tired of being used, she'll come back home. At that time, I would insist some things happen. One of them would be drug testing. Another might just be therapy. I would insist that she follow house rules and if she doesn't, help her pack her things and let her know she can come back when she is ready to follow those rules but not a day before.

HUGS. I know your pain and fears but there truly is hope.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Thanks for sharing your story. Sorry all this is happening, but glad you've found us.

Another possibility might be, if your difficult child is prone to mental illness and using, many times the drug use exacerbates or precipitates an episode.

Unfortunately, this does nothing to help with your worry or confusing over the situation.

This is a great site to visit, many of us here have been there done that and many are still in the process.

Hope you continue to come visit us and share in your experiences. It's very helpful to post.

 

[gottaloveem]

My first guess would be drug usage, of course that is what I am familiar with. Check this list out, it is a list of signs that present themselves if a kid is using drugs:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/34-signs-your-teen-is-using-drugs.6231/

Also, as Janet said, it could be an emerging mental illness.

So to answer the title of your post, no you are not crazy. It seems like something is going on.

Sadly like the others have said, unless she wants help dealing with any issue she may be having, your hands are tied.

I hope she contacts you soon.

 

[Jen]

I would wonder if somethinghappened to her at college. Alos new found freedom, does have all its temptaions. I kow of kids when I was in college that were honor students, that flunked out of college.

Jen