Wow. Sorry, my posts made you mad. It just seems to me like you are putting your entire life on hold to accommodate somebody who won't ever be kind to you, no matter what you say or do. Then to me it seems like you sometimes almost seek out ways to at least get to her, this time through her kids. They didn't know about the cookout and nobody would have died if they hadn't come. Obviously they will ask their mother too. On some level you knew she would be there if they were.
I've been on this forum a loooooooooong time and I've heard about grown kids who stole their parents blind, who used them to get access to bank accounts, who broke into their homes, who hit them, you name it. Your daughter seems in this arena to me, and the grands are her kids. They are likely to be in HER corner. She raised them. I have seen parents get burned.
On top of that, many on t he forum have ONE child and THAT child is terrible to t hem. But you have two other adult kids and I am bewildered as to why you play with this one daughter, which is the hard way in life, rather than to seek peace and deal mostly with your nice kids and their grand. Why chase after the one who seems to have picked up her dad's personality?
I chased after my mother who didn't love me. She disinherited me anyway. There is no good way to deal with mean people, even if they have your DNA. My own thinking is t hat DNA is not important...it is an accident of birth...and that your real family are those who love you and treat you well. You are my age exactly. Don't you think you've played her games long enough and that you deserve peace rather than trying to "win?" Let her have her petty, cruel "wins." She will never really win because of how she is and you can't change that. But you can change your attitude toward her.
I don't know about how your grown kids relate to one another, but you invited your grands to a party thrown by your other daughter. It wasn't even your party. Is your other, nice daughter ok with you deciding to invite this troublesome family member to her barbecue? Wouldn't she have invited them herself if she had wanted them to be there?
I guess, as a former doormat, I just have had it and won't take it anymore. From anybody. And now my life is peaceful and happy and my own. If somebody wants to be in my life, they have to show they deserve the immense amount of love and caring I have to offer. But I don't give it away to abusers. I did that before and thought if I was just nice enough....nice doesn't work with mean people. They disdain nice and see it as being weak.
This is my advice for you to take or leave. All advice given here is to take or leave. My advice is to let your grown kids live their lives, have their own barbecues and invite who THEY want, don't give unwanted advice to any of them (after all, they are all adults and don't want mom butting in), and just relax and enjoy your family without getting emotionally involved in their day-to-day lives. I know you had a bad childhood. So did I (see my long thread on FOO/Family of Origin issues in the Watercooler). I wanted the perfect family too, but even very loving families can not have perfection.
If you don't let Mean Daughter go, she will interfere with all of your relationships and keep you in a constant state of discontent, which is what she wants to do. And you're letting her every time you invite her into your life.
You will never win with her. Whatever personality disorder she has, personality disordered people are impossible to rationalize with and most don't want to do the hard work it takes to get better. In fact, most never admit they have a problem and are more likely to blame the rest of the world and, no, they don't have lightbulb moments. But they are great destructors.
Now you may take what you like and leave the rest and I hope you have a great holiday
