"Mom can I please come home"

[rlsnights]

You may also want to check and see if NAMI or DBA has any meetings near you. The NAMI program here as a parents and family meeting. They also offer some individual support if you call them they will try to match you to another parent.

If your child has some kind of identified issue like autism you can also see if there's a local parent group for that issue. You may discover some other folks like yourself there too.

Patricia

 

[Nancy]

I'm glad I'm not alone in my experiences. I went to one meeting in the middle of a crisis and I held it together for almost the entire meeting until the discussion on the reading which was about giving up the anger and forgiveness. I asked how I could forgive an evil person who cotinued to help my difficult child in her drug addiction. I went on to explain that I had so much hate for this person and it was consuming me. The chairperson got a blank look on his face, looked around the room like I had just committed a huge faux pas by bringing a personal experience into the group. Only one person offered a short response and then the chairperson redirected the topic. I left that meeting in tears, wondering how this could help so many people and what was wrong with me that I didn't get the same thing out of it. This was not the first time I had gone to this group. I had been going for several months, so I gave it a fair shot. It wasn't the only unfulfilling experience I had but certainly one of the most glaring.

Nancy

 

[compassion]

Fa (families anon) which I heard about in this forum deals mostly with parents and young people. There are no FA meetings in my town but I am on the TABW (toward a better way website) and have a fantastic sponsor I connect with by e-mail and phone weekly.
Al-anon is a huge helps to me also. I do have to place principles over personalities and not every meeting is as open as others. The meetings are on the ESH (experience,strength,hope). I have a great sponsor in this program too,who has an addict son. I can be open and honest on a weeky basis with her. Some of our meetings are so large that we only get 2 min. to share that is why phone calls help. Plus, the lit. helps me so much every day.
Nami helps me a lot. I went through fmaily to family 2 years ago and it hleps and I go almost monthly. The support groups are safe and intense and one can share in ways I could never share at Al-anon.
I also have a therapist who has been on our team since Aug. 2008, I go once a month (tomorrow is my day) and vent. It helps a lot.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh Nancy I am so sorry it has been like that. If that had happened at the meeting I go I think you would have gotten a lot of understanding and compassionate looks. It is true no one probably would have answered your question or given you advice or answered you directly.... but someone might have shared their own experience about how they got to forgiveness. I know Alanon you are not supposed to give advice or really directly comment on what someone else says... but I have found the sharing to be really helpful. I also have found the readings from the book really helpful.

Do you know this other family at all? Is there any way you could have a conversation with them about your concerns. Probably not at all in the current circumstances. When we kicked my son out of the house he went to live with a friend whose house was known as the "flophouse" by several parents. It is where the kids went for the weekend to hang out and get high. Clearly not a great place for him. We went by to take some stuff to my son and the dad came out to meet us. Now he could not have been a more different person than me really. I could see however why my son related to him. We were friendly and started chatting. What happened over time is that even if my son wasn't keeping me in touch the dad would let me know he was ok.... and if I got really worried I could call the dad. So we kind of started working together. I had a conversation where I stayed non judgmental about drug use but told them straight out that I knew some kids could do it with no problem, but my son had a problem with pot and could not do it casually. I think these parents, who did drugs themselves, got that we cared about our son and so when our son was complaining or bad mouthing us they kind of knew different. Like I said it was not the best situation at all for my son but given that I didn't want him home, and I preferred him being there than on the street I worked with it as much as I could. I think in the end the son saw that my son really did have a drug problem and supported him going to rehab. I know it is really hard to imagine being on good terms with people that enable and support your daughters substance abuse....I mean really what are they thinking?? On the other hand it is a way to get some sense of how she is really doing and what is really going on.

 

[pepperidge]

Forgive me if this comment is too blunt or insensitive or missing the point. I often read this forum, and see the incredible pain parents are in and wonder what I would do in similar circumstances which I might be someday. I guess what is so hard is that while your children are alive there is always hope that they will find a way to a better life, particularly when they are relatively young. When they are dead that door is closed forever. So it seems to me that the challenge is on the one hand, how not to enable and provide ways for one child's to escape hitting bottom, but I feel for Nancy--perhaps in certain circumstances maintaining a bit of connection and some type of safety net might be preferable to the alternative. What difficult decisions we as parents have to make sometimes and my heart goes out to you.

 

[Nancy]

Toughlovin we have had run ins with these parents in the past. They are all potheads. The dad thinks it's perfectly fine to smoke pot and he does it all the time. He thinks kids outgrow it or rise above it or whatever. He also told me that when he was growing up his dad always let his friends stay there when they had nowhere else to stay. The last time we even spoke was when he hid our difficult child (she was a minor at the time) and lied about her being there and told me I was crazy. He has covered up for his son all the time to police, who has had his license suspended and driven impaired all the time.

I don't think we have to worry about talking anytime soon. husband is stranded in St. Louis and there is a major storm coming. Also it's thirsty Thursday and I suspect from her actions that she isn't so ready to come home right now. I am laying low and waiting for her to make the next move.

Nancy

 

[busywend]

Nancy, I am sorry that you have to be in such turmoil. It isn't fair.

 

[DDD]

Nancy I've been thinking about my earlier response. I hope it didn't offend you. My "stinking" remark was not meant to be vulgar....my thought was that she has heard all the drill on behavior, responsibility, etc. but since she is appearance conscious perhaps it would get her attention to politely let her know that she reeks and you don't want your home to have that rancid smell. You never know what might "ring a bell" and it could make her realize that it is evident to outsiders that she is an addict.

Make any sense? Who knows, lol, but a different idea at least. Hugs. DDD

 

[susiestar]

Nancy, feelings like yours are why members, esp newcomers and those returning to the program after a period of absence are encouraged to do at least "7 in 7" and even better 30 in a month. 7 in 7 refers to going to one meeting every day. You are encouraged to NOT go to the same place and time every day. Each meeting has its own dynamic and feel. Most communities have a larger location that many meetings happen in and some smaller places that other meetings happen in. Here we have a location that was given to the group and it has a large building and parking area and a lot of trees. They have aa nd alanon meetings every day. Some of our churches and other meeting places in town also have meetings. If you go to the list given at the main meeting place you don't always get the list of other meetings but if you go online or call the phone # listed for aa you do get them. The alanon meetings in those places are very very different than the ones at the main place. They all do the 12 steps but they feel different and even have different ages and types of people.

This is the MAIN reason that anyone entering the program is urged to go to so many different meetings at first. Or if the meetings you attend are not meeting your needs. Given the dynamic of the meeting you attended, I urge you to look for other meetings in your area. Our town has about 45,000 people so it is not a large metro area. If you also look for the religiously run programs for addiction, like Celebrate Recovery, you are likely to find quite a few other options. I hope that you can find some that fit your needs better. I cannot fathom a group here reacting the way you describe. I am so sorry you were treated that way. Here people would have offered comfort, shared similar experiences briefly and then the leader would have taken things back on track if time permitted. There ARE groups that will fit better and be more helpful. They truly are not all like that.

You can also connect with alanon online. Some people find that it works better that way for them. Esp if they are in a small area or the members do not respect the anonymous part of the program. Or when the available meetings do not fit their needs the way you have experienced.