While I have deep empathy for him, there is a reality that he is creating. He keeps upping the ante. It shows that he's in the frame of mind that violence and outbursts are the way to handle his feelings. Still.
He has to face the consequences of his acts, and that's the part you need to accept. That these are his acts. You are not responsible for his acts.
I feel that there is a deep guilt and regret that you have. That you may feel that there is something that you did or did not in the past that underlies your sense of responsibility and his sense of grievance toward you. You keep asserting your feeling you have let him down. Is it that at some point in the past, you did not let him live with you, and you believe you should have?
I understand how hard this is for you to keep seeing him dig a deeper hole.
I agree that authorities need to be advised about his indirect suicide threat. Even if he will not follow through, the threats can't stand. He needs to be disabused of the idea that they work. There need to be consequences. That's what I think.
I think what's troubling you is the sense of guilt you feel. On some level it seems that you believe him that you're responsible for his situation. Or deep down you believe you're responsible.
Do you really want him home? If it was not for your husband, would you bring home your son? Or are you hiding behind your husband? I believe you need to have a heart to heart talk with yourself, and level with yourself as to where you stand.
Do you want him home? Do you believe you and the little ones are safe? Is he demonstrating contrition and taking responsibility for his mistakes? Do you believe he knows right from wrong, has the ability to curb his behavior, to use communication and coping skills, and to own his piece? Do you believe he's motivated to change at this point? If this is the case, then, you can choose to advocate for his return, if that is what you want.
You are not helping yourself or him, by trying to skate down the middle, and putting the responsibility on your husband, and him alone. Oh, I understand why we do this, but I think your son would be helped by you telling him your truth:
If he pushes you again, you can ask him if he wants to know the reasons you hold your position (I would ask his consent. Otherwise it would be piling on.) I do not feel safe with you, and I fear the little children would not be safe. If you would like for me to explain why, I will tell you. (Again, here too, I would ask his consent.)You use violence to solve your problems. You have not accepted rules or control. You choose to do wrong and illegal things. Some version of this. This seems to be the reality. I think your son deserves to hear it from you, if he chooses.
But as much, I think you'd feel better. Even coming to the understanding of what you believe, what you want, would free you, I believe. I think you would feel great relief if you acknowledged to yourself and to him the truth of your feelings.
Now the thing is, you may feel that you have indeed let him down. And maybe those feelings are justified, if you look at it one way. But real life is complicated. Almost always we have multiple loyalties, and we have loyalties to ourselves. I know I have felt horrible when I have chosen for myself. But when I have done so, it has been the right thing. The time comes when all we can do is to accept.
