Mother's Day Venting

[chrisdog01]

I just need to vent a bit out my difficult child and mother's day. Just a quick recap of where we are at this point. husband kicked out difficult child for the whole weekend last Friday because he had a bunch of friends in our house and were smoking pot while we were at work. We told N he could come back Monday evening, but we didn't hear from him until much later in the week. Friday night he said he wanted to come home so that he could make it to his work project (sentencing) on Saturday & Sunday mornings. Of course the work project officer turned him away Saturday because he was late and wearing shorts which are against the rules. On Sunday he showed up on time (whew). husband, easy child daughter & myself had to go to a family mother's day brunch which was pretty painful (everyone is kind of a snobby there, plus my mother only likes to talk about herself). But we had mimosas, whoohoo!! Anyway, I wanted to go to the movies with N and my family after he returned from work project. We didn't know where he was, but when we called him he wanted to go with us and would be home in 20 minutes. Thirty minutes pass and husband tells him we are leaving at 4:00 no matter what. Time comes, N does not show up and is not answering his phone. After the movie husband calls our son and the difficult child is busy driving his friend to go see his grandmother for mother's day. My husband blew up and asked N if he planned to spend any time with his own mother. N's only response was "well, my friend already gave me gas money to drive him". AARRGG!! I know not to expect so much from him, but it's so frustrating and tiring. It's now almost 9:00pm and I haven't even seen him, and don't really know if I want to.

Last week when we had no idea where he was or how he was doing was actually much better than this weekend with him home. How sad is that?

Thanks for listening, I really needed to vent. My husband really tried hard for me to have a nice weekend, so I felt kind of bad complaining about this one thing to him. I'm glad I have this board for this reason.

 

[witzend]

He's a very thoughtless and selfish young man. I'm glad that you had a nice time at the movies. Don't let your son's rudeness ruin the day for you. It's clear that he just doesn't get it.

Is he coming and going as he pleases? It sounds like it's probably time to tell him that if this is the life he chooses, he has to live it elsewhere. It really is a lot easier when they're not around if they are acting like that.

 

[chrisdog01]

Well, N just called. My husband told him he needed to come home, but N said that he was about 1 1/2 hours away taking his friend to his grandmother's house for a BBQ at 9:30pm. Yeah, right. Then he wanted to talk to me to wish me happy mother's day. I didn't want to talk with him at first, but then got on the phone and blew up and told him I was very disappointed and heart broken. His excuse was that we was really busy all day. So I hung up on him.

No, he doesn't get to come & go as he pleases, we give him times to come home, etc. But he has a really hard time telling what time it is and is usually late, etc. I just told my husband that even though lastg week was very stressful not knowing where he was, it was so much easier than this weekend and I don't want to go through this anymore. This weekend sounded like we were being wishy-washy, but all other times in the past have not been like this. husband & I are definately being strong with this and also a united front. I think all the problems with our difficult child have actually brought my husband & I closer, which I feel lucky for.

 

[witzend]

I understand your frustration. When I asked if he came and went as he pleased, I wasn't asking if he had your permission, but rather does he do it? When he was gone last week is that because the three of you came to an agreement that he would be elsewhere each of those days or is that just how it turned out?

The difficulty telling time excuse only goes so far, really. If he has a cell phone he could easily set an alarm on it telling him when to go home. If he has a disability that would make it difficult for him to carry out the actual setting of the repeating alarm, you could do it for him. But he's the one that is supposed to come home.

Perhaps you and your husband need to sit down together and be honest about what you would like to see from your difficult child that he is capable of doing and then present a united front to difficult child or tell him to find elsewhere to go.

He's being really awful to you, I know. And I know how easy it is to yell at them when they do that. He's probably counting on it that you will yell at him. That way you're the bad guy. It would probably be better if you set rules you can live with, then stick with them. It sounds an awful lot like his friends aren't going to let him go cold or hungry for a while. For now from here it looks like he's walking all over you guys.

 

[mom_to_3]

You know what Chris?????????????? I understand your frustration.

 

[chrisdog01]

I understand your frustration. When I asked if he came and went as he pleased, I wasn't asking if he had your permission, but rather does he do it? When he was gone last week is that because the three of you came to an agreement that he would be elsewhere each of those days or is that just how it turned out?

I didn't think anything of your comment, I was/am so frustrated that I tried as hard as I could to control myself while typing.

When difficult child was gone last week, part of it was because we kicked him out for a few days. The rest of the week he chose to stay away, which was fine with us actually. I can't tell you how much better it was having him gone than dealing with his selfishness this weekend.

husband and I are very united in our choices (thank god). We plan out ahead of time what we are going to say/do, and if we disagree we work out an agreement. I hate to say it, but this is probably the only area where we are this organized in our plans of attack (ha ha ha). I am so lucky my husband is very calm and rational.

 

[chrisdog01]

You know what Chris?????????????? I understand your frustration.

This means so much to me. This is why I love this board. It's the only place I have where others have the same issues and are totally understanding of what I'm going through.

One of my co-workers asked about my mother's day and I told her about N (she is fully aware of what she's going through). She said her day was just as bad because her 14 year old, who is a easy child, wrote in a card that she should buy him a gift for mother's day because he made her a mom. She thought that was just as selfish as my son not even bothering to see me. At least she got a card. It's this type of comparisson that frustrates me so, but makes me really appreciate everyone on this board. Boy, I'm rambling today.

 

[meowbunny]

(((((HUGS)))))

Wish I didn't understand, but I do.

 

[mom_to_3]

I hate what the life with a difficult child has done to me and how it has made me feel. While I have learned a whole lot about becoming and acting as a "person of honor" (that is what I strive for) thru our difficult child life experiences, (she's been a great life enhancer in this aspect) it has also been so hurtful, aggravating and just plain embarrassing! I don't have coworkers to discuss my mother's day with, but it is just as embarrassing to "share" my unique situation with anyone else that asks how my day was. Thankfully, I have a husband and two other daughters that love and celebrate me thru life, and I can share my positive stories about them. (Hugs to you!)

This means so much to me. This is why I love this board. It's the only place I have where others have the same issues and are totally understanding of what I'm going through.

One of my co-workers asked about my mother's day and I told her about N (she is fully aware of what she's going through). She said her day was just as bad because her 14 year old, who is a easy child, wrote in a card that she should buy him a gift for mother's day because he made her a mom. She thought that was just as selfish as my son not even bothering to see me. At least she got a card. It's this type of comparisson that frustrates me so, but makes me really appreciate everyone on this board. Boy, I'm rambling today.