Moved son out yesterday and am heartbroken

[Mom1967]

It's been a few weeks now. No word from my son on Mother's Day. His father asked hi. To call me but he didn't. I texted him last Sunday after church.

I told him that I loved him. Believed in him. I believed he was able to make good decisions, and live with with the consequences of them. I knew he can and will make it.

No reply.

Have any of you had to remove your child from your home and have them then cut you off completely from communication? How long if ever did it take for them to talk to you again? I am feeling so worried that I have lost my son for life.

 

[Copabanana]

I am feeling so worried that I have lost my son for life.

I am familiar with this fear. But that's what it is fear. A feeling. It is not the truth. It is not real. It bears no relationship to any likely outcome.

The challenge is to let go this irrational fear, this feeling which is torturing you. And to say "NO."

Have any of you had to remove your child from your home and have them then cut you off completely from communication?

I have kicked out my son numerous times. This has involved the police. And a great deal of drama.

My son has cut me off.

I have cut him off.

We always come back together. In one way or another.

 

[BusynMember1]

Dont worry. I wonder if my daughter will ever come back. Worrying doesn't help. It gets us crazy and sick.

To be honest, I love my daughter Kay and my grandson, but I cant and dont want to put up with her abuse again. Al Anon is helping me A LOT. I want her when she is able to be calm and nice. I wont lie and say I enjoy her when she is abusive and scary. I may want a child I don't have. Of course I miss and worry over my grandson, but that is out of my control.

The Serenity prayer says God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (I am getting there), the courage to change the things I can (this is in my opinion the most important) and the wisdom to know the difference (not really that hard, but not easy either!). But with Al Anon I am much better.

Unfortunately, I find they our troubled children come back when they need us. For money. For housing. For help. My daughter does not appreciate any of the help she was given and is hostile now that the giving from us is over. This will not change. We spent all our extra money on her already. We need the dollars we have left.

You may see your son again. You likely will. But unless he changes, you will get what I have--anger, abuse, blame and craziness. I am so sad about Kay and who she is and how she treats us. I am sorry that you are also sad. I am trying to ignite my marriage, make new friends, and take care of me.

 

[Mom1967]

I'm sorry that Kay has been so challenging and hurtful. I don't know why children who were and are so loved can choose to self destruct.

 

[NumbAndLost]

Mom1967, my heart breaks for the pain you're feeling and the guilt that somehow always creeps back into sabotage our strength. As I read about your son's outburst of anger and physical abuse, it was a PTSD moment for me and I immediately felt my story of putting my son out of our home, his reaction and lack of any progress since might somehow help. Although all our background stories are slightly varied, they are identical in the most profound ways - as parents, our unconditional love and gut-wrenching sense of responsibility for our child's success is ironclad and as young adults, our child's analysis that all his or her problems with life are to be blamed on someone/anyone else but them is astounding. Both are unhealthy beliefs that have become par-for-the-course. I have been an unaware enabler for 20 years. It all started so innocently with the normal aches and pains of raising a son with learning disabilities and self-confidence issues. Years and years went by and I kept thinking that's what I was doing, what I was supposed to do as a good parent. I hoped each problem I solved for him would be the last and he'd finally launch into a healthy young adult. I didn't truly face that we were shoveling you-know-what against the tide and losing ground until he was well into his 20s and a full-fledged alcoholic. The next ten years had more pain and agony for myself and family than I can speak about. You all know the script. Then 3 years ago for the final time, after more broken rules, ultimatums and threats, I kicked him out. He was shocked that I meant it and said we'd never see him again. A month later he showed up at my office, threatening me, insisting on help, refusing to leave, talking crazy - behavour I'd never experienced from him. I was shaking and actually afraid of him. He finally left but showed up again at the end of my work day, tried to control me, insisting I go with him to talk. I instinctively knew I could be in danger. My thought was "OMG, I'm his mother and he's so desperate right now he might actually hurt me". I was scared straight in a nanosecond. I got a restraining order that same night, shaking like a leaf 1) because I have never been so afraid of anything before that in my life and 2) that I had gone to the police to report "my little boy". That was three long years ago. After being kicked out of two homeless shelters the first year, he's been homeless in the streets for two years. He's made no progress, is angry at the world and still puts blame for his situation squarely on me and his father. We just found out Friday he's spent four days in a psychiatric hospital for evaluation earlier this month. The outcome was he can manage his issues with outpatient help, which he'll never do. I assume he's back on the street. My husband calls often to offer help, his calls are never returned. Mom67, you must work on seeing your son's situation clearly for what it is and keep you health and safety in mind. We will always love our children but it is beyond our ability to to fix them. What we have to fix is our heartbreak. My solice is right here, tonight it was writing to you. Be strong, be well.

 

[Mom1967]

Dear numb and lost. Thank you for pouring your heart out. I am so sad for you that no progress has been made and that your son has chosen to live life in this way. I am profoundly sad for you and will pray for you.

 

[toughlovin]

Hi Mom1967....The first time we kicked our son out was when he was 18 (he is now 27). At the time I was angry, he was angry etc. A therapist told me to do exactly what you are, text him now and then letting him kow I still love him even if he doesnt respond. Otherwise he would do anything not to contact me.

I didnt hear from him for 2 weeks but then he got in trouble and called us.

We have been through many dramas and cycles since then but we have always tried to keep letting him know we love him.

I think at this point he believes it. Things are still up and down although he is doing better than in the past. This mothers day he sent me a beautiful text message saying he loved me and thanking me for all the support and love we have given him.

So you are not at the end of the journey.... there will be more ups and downs probably. But keep letting him know you love him while still setting boundaries with him.

TL

 

[WhyDoWeFallBruce?]

I would try not to worry too much about having lost him for life. Give it time. And then some. Worrying never solves anything.
Begin to meditate. You´ll start to listen to your body signals and acknowledge them for what they are: just signals.
Not orders to act on.
It is also a great tool in the process of detachment.

 

[Mom1967]

****UPDATE****

It has been a few months since I posted, I thought I would give an update. I saw my son at my daughter's graduation from high school in mid-June. He didn't want to come to the family dinner prior to the graduation because as he texted his sister "I'm taking a break from mom right now because I need my space." She texted back, "this is my graduation, if you want to make it about you, don't come. Be at the family dinner, or don't come to the graduation ceremony." We arrive at the restaurant and get seated. My ex-inlaws arrive who I haven't seen since the divorce 6 years prior. My son arrives 45 minutes late and my ex-husband arrives as we are leaving what was an excruciatingly painful, silent meal except for my daughter, the honoree, stepping up and yacking non-stop tp fill the void. She is an introvert so it was emotionally exhausting for both of us. I was pleasant and nice to my ex-inlaws as they were to me but it was awkward as all get out.

My ex-husband just left the house late and didn't think about traffic even though he lives two hours away. He knew I was worried about how things would go with my son and his parents and that I expected him to arrive not just on time but early. He is a total avoidant so I should have seen that coming. My daughter wished that I had dinner with her alone, was devastated that her dad missed the dinner and cried all the way from the restaurant to the graduation ceremony. Being a child of divorce is hard, having a brother that is addicted doesn't help. Addiction impacts all members of a family. My ex-husband keeps asking my daughter, How her brother's addiction is impacting her at all? (not asking because interested, asking dismissively) Why was she stressed out at the restaurant? It's her graduation, she should be happy, she has a family who loves her and is at the graduation to support her, so let's see more smiling." By this point, we pull up at the drop-off and I am relieved. I have learned to let my children have their own relationship with their father. She is 18 and I am not his spouse, so I don't correct his parenting.

I ask her later if she wishes I would have jumped in and she says no. I shielded both of the kids my entire marriage from their dad's behaviors, the divorce was a huge shock to them, and they have both made it clear they do not want me to do that anymore. Not even if it hurts.

My son sat at the other end of the family line from me at the ceremony. As it ended he told me that he loved me and would call me but he hasn't.

I had received a jury summons for my son in the mail and gave it to him at graduation. He lost it and I received a call from my ex to ask if I had taken a picture of it? Since our son has ADHD and loses things, I had taken a picture of it. I remind my ex if our son needs something from me, he needs to call me directly and I support him as a parent the exact same way. Helping him to avoid me or continue to pretend I am the problem is not helpful. My ex asks for a picture anyway, "jut for his personal use." Haha! what are you going to so cross-stitch a sampler of it? Nice try, but I tell him, no.

My son texts me and asks for a picture if I have one, I send it right away, no problem. He texts thanks. That was about 6 weeks ago.

His 22 birthday is on the 8th. I have been praying and considering what the most loving thing to do is.

I could send him a card.
I could call.
I could text.
I could mail him a present.
I could respect his wish for space and do nothing.

One of the hardest things we learn as parents is that shielding our children from the consequences of their actions is not loving, It's damaging. I have been leaning towards not contacting him at all. When we treat people badly and tell them to go away, they do and we are not being hurt by the conflict any longer, but we are alone. He still is in regular contact with my ex-husband who will not say anything about his drug use, prefers small talk about sports or the weather, will never challenge a lie even if he knows it is one, and I am sure is supporting our son financially, probably a little but some, maybe 400 a month. I have explained that if his rent is paid then he has more money for pot. I have shown him the pot wrappers costing a couple of thousand that he had yet to throw away when I removed him from my home. Think about all the pot wrappers he used somewhere else or had thrown away. When we give him money for rent we are really buying him pot because his money then can be used for purchasing. But I cannot control what either of them does and his dad enjoys the role of being the "good" one.

Three years ago when I was in contact with my son semi-regularly but he was not living at home and we had a huge confrontation about drug use in a family counseling session. He cut me off for a while, angry that I had tracked him down when he missed family counseling at his dealer's apartment, passed out. I thought he was dead. It took about 20 minutes to rouse him, a fact he denies to this day. He was just sleeping. Um, no. Anyway, he made up with me the week before his birthday, got his presents and was back to being angry with me right after. I am leaning towards continuing to do as he requested and not contact him. It's going to be a super hard day on the 8th. I pray for him a million times a day. He is out working wildland firefighting right now. A fact I know because he tells his dad when he is m=being deployed and his dad texts me. (My ex really doesn't get this whole don't facilitate avoidance thing) I am glad to know when he is out on the fireline so I can pray. I guess I shouldn't complain.

My heart is so grieved that this little boy I love, raised with morals, faith, work ethic, and spirituality can turn his back on it all. My stomach hurts writing this update. It is his life, and he is an adult but I feel like a failure as a parent.

Also, sorry for using the terms my son, my ex so many times. I have tried not to post any names, I would never want to hurt him unintentionally by outing him as an addict on the internet.

 

[Chasejazz]

I understand your position, as my kids still have contact with my ex-husband but not me for the same reason. My ex-husband went to my youngest son's wedding last month and said nothing to me. I happened to ask, since I found out that he was engaged if he had ever gotten married. My ex matter of factly said "Yes. Last Friday. I went but I felt bad you weren't invited.". I was, I don't know....very sad.
Anyway, I know how you feel.
I put all the hands-on effort, yet I am the bad guy, finally saying "No More!" but they know they can always go to him and there are open arms and wallet.
I know what it's like to feel like a failure as a parent.
There's no opportunity to go back and make things right either...assuming you could figure out what went wrong.
I sincerely wish you the best.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Mom

Thank you for the update. All of what you write sounds hard: the pre-graduation dinner (horribly painful); being undermined by your passive aggressive ex (horrible); the ambivalence and hostility of your son; the pain of your daughter (couldn't anybody besides you rise to the occasion, so that she would not be so hurt on this special day?)

All of this aside, you are doing marvelously, I think. Strong, clear, open, direct, loving.

These moments of sadness come and go. Your son is a work in progress. He is very, very young. I believe the boy you raised is still in there. And he will show up again.

Try to look for something fun or rewarding to do to distract yourself. You are doing wonderfully. What will be has not yet manifested. You know that you can only take responsibility for your side of the street. You're doing that. Bravo.

 

[WiseChoices]

It is your son's disease calling the shots, not your son . Do whatever feels best to you for his birthday. Addicts live on excuses in an effort to hide their addiction which is a source of great shame.

He told your daughter, not you, that he was taking a break from Mom. So maybe this was just his way of trying to get out of the family dinner where he can't hide himself very well .He told you directly that he loves you and would call . I would not take the not calling personally. It is most likely his addiction and his need to hide the addiction why he doesn't call .it's about him, not you.

What addicts need is compassion (encouragement and understanding) without enabling. A detached with love attitude . You could send a text and offer to meet for a birthday meal or a cup of coffee , make a home made cake - if that feels right .
I would regret not contacting my son for his birthday, no matter what , but it's important to heed one's own feelings.

 

[BusynMember1]

How are you a failure as a parent?

The world has more impact and peers also do on our kids than we do. They do not keep what we taught them, no matter how wise it is, unless they want to. Kids choose what they keep and discard. Drug using kids by nature can not accept good values.

You have no control over your kids anymore. Your husband is an enabler.bit doesn't help them, but it IS the easy way. Many parents take the easy way.

We did for years because we, mostly me in the end, needed Kay in my life. Whether vile, everything I didn't wish her to become and mean to us unless we gave in to her demands, I wanted my daughter in my life. I would have kissed her feet to keep her around. Yes, I was pathetic. But I get those who CAN'T let go. Butnin my case everyone was weary of her domination over my life and I risked my entire loving support system for Kay.

With hard work and great therapy, I decided myself that I had to choose those who were really loving souls. Kay is not. She is a user,/abuser.

I turned it around and my life is peaceful now.

We all do what we feel is right. Whatever you do, nobody will condemn you. This is my story and what I know was right for us.

I pray for Kay and my grandson all day long. She is in His hands now.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

My W and I just allowed our son to move in with us. He is 19, and fresh out of rehab and a sober living facility. The latter kicked him out because he would not comply with their rules....not a good precedent for moving in with us. For those of you who might not know our story which is long and extends back several years, this son was completely estranged from us, by his own decision, from ages 16 through 18 with a few month break in between. He has been violent with my wife in the past and also with other family members though never with me.

I was against this move but my W and I finally agreed on a fairly strict contract, which we all signed. So we'll see how it goes. As of now he is working and finishing his high school diploma. He does well for a while and then goes off the rails - this has been his pattern since freshman year of high school - he is brilliant, has so much potential, but his mental illness trumps it all. The first week has been a success thus far I would say. We're all in this together.

 

[RN0441]

Mom

I also felt your pain in your post.

My son was against me during his drug use too. You know why? Because I called him to the carpet. I did it all the time and I didn't care how mad it got him. I myself was angry. Not angry at him that he was an addict, but angry that I wanted him better more than he wanted it.

I think they do this because in truth they love us so deeply that they cannot stand to see the disappointment in our eyes or hear it in our voice.

Now that he is home (for ten months now) and we have rebuilt our relationship somewhat - NOT easy mind you - I can feel his love for me and his dad. I have to say that I never thought I'd say this but feeling that love again may have been worth the hell we went through. I say "may", but at least it's some reward.

It seems your son is able to function (work) while using. My son was not. Not at all. This made things move along faster - I am actually grateful for that. It keeps you from second guessing everything.

I think I prayed for my son 24/7 for years. Any time I thought of him. If I woke up in the middle of the night, etc. I was always praying. I still do. I really believe that divine intervention saved our son's life.

I would do something for your son his birthday, even if it's just a text and a card or even an invite to a dinner if that is what you feel like doing. I wouldn't want to regret anything. Just do it for YOU.