Hi All,
well, as you know, I thought difficult child 1 was doing pretty well. She was working (as exotic dancer) and taking care of herself financially, not coming to us for help, and seeming to settle down although still with loser boyfriend.
On Sunday she called to say they were moving to Seattle and that boyfriend was leaving by bus the next day to find a place for them and she would follow a week later. Okay, my radar was up a little since this seemed very sudden, but I have uprooted myself in my younger days and moved across country on a whim so I thought it might be okay.
She has called me several days this week just to say hi and update me on boyfriend's progress by bus across the country (from upstate NY). We were planning for me to take her to the bus station either Sunday or Monday. Last night her landlady called--appears that difficult child and boyfriend have been using her credit card and writing checks while she was hospitalized. They also have trashed her place and probably stolen valuables. A warrant is out for their arrest. I was shocked but a part of me was not, if you know what I mean. There have been times that I have fleetingly wondered if they were taking advantage of this lady--she is disabled and they were living in the basement of her condo.
I guess they presented themselves as homeless to her son and he felt sorry for them and thought he could be good role model. The boyfriend is a great con artist and so is difficult child.
I have talked with my therapist today and she has told me to stay as uninvolved as possible. This is the conclusion I had come to on my own after thinking it all over but it was good to have her affirm my own feelings and thoughts. The landlady wants me to come over and get their junk and help clean--I sort of agreed to last night because I felt so bad but now realize that would be some sort of admission of responsibility on my part and I was definitely not responsible for what difficult child and boyfriend did--it was their same old pattern.
If difficult child does call and want to come over to spend the night and have me take her to the bus station I will tell her it is not a good idea in light of what her landlady told me and tell her she should do the right thing (turn herself in). I will not be involved in getting her a lawyer, visiting her in jail, none of it. If she is arrested she will have to figure it all out herself and she will be on her own. If she leaves town (she may have already if she has gotten wind of the warrant) then whatever happens, happens.
I am very disappointed that she actually had not made any real changes. I don't know if she is sociopathic--I am quite sure the boyfriend is. I think somehow she has compartmentalized her life so much that she can be at home with us (like at Christmas) and be considerate, fun, warm, etc. and somehow think she is a good person. I think the person that preys on other people is separate to her, has nothing to do with the "real" her. Also, she takes on the attributes of whomever she is with so I am sure the boyfriend has had a dreadful influence on her.
Well, I know husband and I did all we could to help her as she was growing up, including sending her to one of the best rtcs in the country. She knows right from wrong and she knows all about taking responsibility for your own actions. She had all the tools for a healthy life and she has chosen not to use them. So, at least I am not taking this on as my own, it is all on her. Still hurts though!
Thanks for your support, I thought about you guys all night!
Jane
well, as you know, I thought difficult child 1 was doing pretty well. She was working (as exotic dancer) and taking care of herself financially, not coming to us for help, and seeming to settle down although still with loser boyfriend.
On Sunday she called to say they were moving to Seattle and that boyfriend was leaving by bus the next day to find a place for them and she would follow a week later. Okay, my radar was up a little since this seemed very sudden, but I have uprooted myself in my younger days and moved across country on a whim so I thought it might be okay.
She has called me several days this week just to say hi and update me on boyfriend's progress by bus across the country (from upstate NY). We were planning for me to take her to the bus station either Sunday or Monday. Last night her landlady called--appears that difficult child and boyfriend have been using her credit card and writing checks while she was hospitalized. They also have trashed her place and probably stolen valuables. A warrant is out for their arrest. I was shocked but a part of me was not, if you know what I mean. There have been times that I have fleetingly wondered if they were taking advantage of this lady--she is disabled and they were living in the basement of her condo.
I guess they presented themselves as homeless to her son and he felt sorry for them and thought he could be good role model. The boyfriend is a great con artist and so is difficult child.
I have talked with my therapist today and she has told me to stay as uninvolved as possible. This is the conclusion I had come to on my own after thinking it all over but it was good to have her affirm my own feelings and thoughts. The landlady wants me to come over and get their junk and help clean--I sort of agreed to last night because I felt so bad but now realize that would be some sort of admission of responsibility on my part and I was definitely not responsible for what difficult child and boyfriend did--it was their same old pattern.
If difficult child does call and want to come over to spend the night and have me take her to the bus station I will tell her it is not a good idea in light of what her landlady told me and tell her she should do the right thing (turn herself in). I will not be involved in getting her a lawyer, visiting her in jail, none of it. If she is arrested she will have to figure it all out herself and she will be on her own. If she leaves town (she may have already if she has gotten wind of the warrant) then whatever happens, happens.
I am very disappointed that she actually had not made any real changes. I don't know if she is sociopathic--I am quite sure the boyfriend is. I think somehow she has compartmentalized her life so much that she can be at home with us (like at Christmas) and be considerate, fun, warm, etc. and somehow think she is a good person. I think the person that preys on other people is separate to her, has nothing to do with the "real" her. Also, she takes on the attributes of whomever she is with so I am sure the boyfriend has had a dreadful influence on her.
Well, I know husband and I did all we could to help her as she was growing up, including sending her to one of the best rtcs in the country. She knows right from wrong and she knows all about taking responsibility for your own actions. She had all the tools for a healthy life and she has chosen not to use them. So, at least I am not taking this on as my own, it is all on her. Still hurts though!
Thanks for your support, I thought about you guys all night!
Jane
