My heart is breaking

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LauraH, Sep 13, 2019.

  1. Nandina

    Nandina Member

    Chase, I watch the midwife series too and love it! A very well-done show.
  2. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I now think he wasn't being totally honest with me about the relapse. I do feel like he may be using again but I really don't know the extent or what substance(s). His drug of choice prior to recovery was meth. He told me the the relapse after his brother's death was cocaine and alcohol. Whether he's gone back to meth or not I am not certain.

    It makes no sense to my why he would want to go to Chicago for rehab, where he had several unsuccessful attempts, when there's a wonderful program right there in St. Augustine where he had amazing success...up until now at least. Something's not adding up there.

    And we cut the purse strings months ago. When we flew him down here we told him if he went back to Chicago he had to get there on his own. We also told him that once back in Chicago if he decided to come back here or go somewhere else he's on his own with that as well. Then when we helped him catch up his rent at the recovery home we told him that was the last significant amount of money we would spend on him. I'm pretty sure his finances are in the toilet yet again, but surprisingly he hasn't asked for help. We had decided that we would not ofer help with his rent and/or phone bill but that we probably would one time if he he asked us. But he never did. I'm kind of proud of him for that, but I don't think there's much else currently to be proud of.
  3. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz “No story is a straight line... ".

    How exciting, Nadina! Supposedly starting a new season in October. A great series...I laugh, I cry. Lol. I think seeing all those Moms helps me. ♡♡♡
  4. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz “No story is a straight line... ".

    Laura, as much as I don't want to admit it, the less I hear from my son, the better. It's so easy to get caught up in the guessing, the calculated behaviors, the ups, the downs, the sideways...
    I really pray in the deepest recesses of my soul that my son is well and that no harm comes to him.
    However, I have had to shake hands with the fact that every choice he made led him to the life he is living, alone, on the streets. Since his phone is still on my plan, I can see when I get my bill that he rarely gets or makes any calls. When he was in his 20s he had loads of friends, and a teaming, successful business. It's not for me to figure out what went wrong. I just have to keep my side of the street clean. We want to think we know what's best for our kids. I over-helped my kids into co-dependance and finally alienation. I thought being a good mother was shielding them from everything. Oh, what tangled webs we weave!
    Self-medicating, with drugs or alchohol, is a very personal thing. It's never one thing or one person no matter what they tell you. I think AA and NA work for the people who really work those programs. I have seen miraculous changes with my own eyes, in people who have used it, so it can happen. Others will stumble, sometimes once and sometimes over and over. My experience is to move over and let them fall, if that's the case. They know where the meetings and sponsors are.
    Meanwhile, have some well deserved peace for yourself. You deserve it.
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  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    We very, very sadly can not trust our kids who use drugs. They usually do not tell us the truth about their drug use. Or much else. To this day, I have no certainty that Kay only smokes pot and takes Kratom. She could be using more, but drug addicts lie. Your son is an addict. It is likely that he lies to you about his drug use and motives in life. He, like our Kay, wants to keep you sympathetic enough to give him money, so the truth does not likely serve either of them.

    Much like Kay's life, your son's life is incompatible with people their ages who are sober. They are struggling and making poor decisions. They are not self sustaining. They still want our help. They move a lot. They don't work steadily or at life sustainable jobs.

    We, as parents, get excited every time we think they have made miniscule progress. Been there. Yet they don't make REAL progress... they arne not ready. They may never be. This scares me. I go cold inside thinking about it, but in our case it is highly possible. Maybe your son has more hope.

    I pray that God gives you the peace to accept whatever your son does. Like Kay and us, your son's vision for his life is different than yours for him right now so all we can do is give them to God.

    Loving an addict is unpredictable, scary and hard. I send you my prayers and hope for the best. Be sure to be well yourself. Good night.
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  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    One last thing. It is likely he is choosing Chicago, which has terrible weather and a high cost of living, to be with his abuser. Kay and Lee abuse each other.i hate it. She will never leave him for good. They have a sick, tight bond.

    Anyway, assuming your son is going back to his ex, which is the only reason I can think of his going from Florida to Chicago, is maybe ex plans to pay his bills and may be buying your son's airplane ticket. Maybe that is why he isn't asking for money right now. if he is moving, he NEEDS money so he has to be getting it from somewhere. And this may be wrong too. We can never guess our kid's motives. Too many X factors combined with strange thinking. Very tiring.

    My heart breaks for you, but not facing possible truths has lead us to devestation that I wish on nobody.
  7. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    He had my full sympathy with his first relapse...and I truly believe that he was clean from April until August when his brother passed away. But seeing the gradual changes in his demeanor and the way he talks to me (the arrogant condescension aside, he is more irritable and impatient than he has been in the recent past) lets me know he's keeping something from me. I tried to call him tonight. When he returned my call I asked him if he had a few minutes to talk. Instead of a civil "yes, I have a little time" his response was "Well i wouldn't have called you back if I didn't, now would I?" It went downhill from there so I quickly ended the call. I don't deserve that any more than I did before and I'm not putting up with it or dealing with it this go round. He called again when I was out of the house putting laundry in the drier but I'm not calling him back. I don't know why he tried calling again, but I'm certain it wasn't to apologize, and if it was to bait me I'm not taking the bait.

    As for money, he knows better. It will be interesting to see how long it takes him to get to the point of asking me for financial help. It will also be interesting to see his reaction when I give him an unqualified no.

    Like you I have faced the possibility that my son will never become an adult in the real sense of the word. I will likely not know where he is or how he is doing for long stretches of time. It's scary, especially when he's without a phone (which is very likely in the not so distant future) and goes dark on Facebook. I just pray that this go round I won't lie awake nights imagining the unthinkable worst. I hope I can operate on the idea that no news is good news.

    He's again making decisions with no input from he also gets to face the consequences of those decisions, good or bad, with no help from me.
  8. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    How long have they been together? And how old is Kay?
  9. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Yes and no. I spend some of the time when I don't hear from him going about my business and living my life and the other half worrying and wondering if he's dead or in the hospital. I need to find a way to turn that part off or at least keep it to a minimum.
  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Kay and Lee have been goinjg down the rube together for fifteen years. I don't like it. I can't stop it.
  11. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I think it's very important to not envision absolutes such as "he or she will never". The truth is lives can and do change every single day .I try to hold my children to their highest good in my prayers and my thoughts (unless I am putting myself in crisis mode and freaking out ) while remaining in acceptance of what is true TODAY .It's one day at a time for them and for us.

    Laura, it sounds to me that your son had accepted the financial boundaries you have set. He has not asked for money since you made the boundary . This is very good news because it shows that he is assuming some responsibility for his life. Going back to Chicago might be an attempt to do that as well seeing that he was on his own there and survived. There is more of what he knows well there than in FL. I also think that he is deeply ashamed of using again. I think his projections towards you and his irritability, discontent, and restlessness show that clearly.

    The good news is that he has been to rehab. He has been to NA or AA - he now knows there is a different , a better way. If he is using again (and saying he could go to rehab in Chicago is an indication of that) , he is trying to figure out how to keep that going knowing you won't financially support him. So he is taking that step back into what he knew before he came to FL. And things will collapse on him again up there.

    He knows where to get help. Chicago has tons of meetings as a major city .Tons of resources .

    The more you take care of yourself , and the less you focus on him, the more of a chance he has to chose recovery once he is all out of options.

    Sending much love to you and your son. You are both hurting.
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  12. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Oops. Kay is 33.

    Since she threatens suicide, my husband and I have faced in therapy that we cant keep her alive. No matter what we say or do or give her, she may still do it. I don't believe she is that serious about this, but she used to cut and still may and I don't know for sure. So we live with this possibility.

    On the other hand we had a dear little child who was great and he died, not of his own doing.I have tears in my eyes all these years later. I miss him and the man he could have been but had no chance to be.

    We cant keep anyone alive.

    Prayers. We can pray. That is our only power with others. I wish our desires for our loved ones could be manifested, but they can't. As I always say, it is hard and we must be strong. For us. For them too.
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    Last edited: Sep 15, 2019
  13. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    So question. Does Kay call you to cry about the abuse, and if so at what point do you shut down and stop listening? When my son was in Chicago the first time he was calling every couple of weeks crying about the latest crisis or abuse. But eventually I told him I didn't want to hear it since he chose to keep going back to the same situation repeatedly.
  14. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Yes and I offered her places to stay. She wont leave or even call the police so I told her I won't listen anymore unless she acts. A few times they went at it in front of other people and then the police were called. But they don't press charges and the fun continues.

    I might note that Kay has hurt Lee too and not always in self defense. So its a mutual battleground in front of Jaden.
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2019
  15. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    From what I gather, it's the same with my son and the ex. Thankfully no children are involved.
  16. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    The kid factor makes me so sad. So far CPS has never gotten involved maybe because Jaden isn't the target, but it can't be good for him. Jaden is very hyper and cries a lot.
  17. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz “No story is a straight line... ".

    I just wanted to say that I'm sorry there was a loss in your family. Your son lost his brother, and that must be a difficult thing for everyone.
    However, my opinion still stands.
    He has got to make his own decisions, good or bad.
    Loss is a part of life. Shielding himself from it by using will never help him grow as a person. As far as going to Chicago, or anyplace else...he has to learn that no matter where you go you take yourself with you.
    I hope you rest your worries.
    Breath, meditate and relax. It helps.
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  18. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My son came to town this evening to see a friend and stopped by. It was a pleasant visit but short. He told me a few things. Said he had only used twice and drank twice. I'm not sure I buy that but I didn't challenge him because I have nothing to go on other than my gut and because even if he's lying he would continue to do so. Told me things he's arranging and lining up to safeguard himself against seeing the ex. Stated his intention to get into sober living (I had thought the place he mentioned was a rehab but I was wrong). Again not buying it. He's either blowing sunshine for my benefit or has all these good intentions but he's notorious for letting good intentions fall by the wayside. What's the saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

    But you know what? There's not a damn thing I can do about whatever decisions he makes. I've accepted that, I'm largely at peace with it. Yes I'll worry and if he goes dark and I don't have any contact with him for extended periods of time I'll worry even more. But at the end of the day it's in God's hands. And I'm going to work on myself...when I don't hear from him instead of imagining the worst I am going to try to focus on imagining the best until I have a concrete reason to imagine otherwise. That's a toughie because I know my son and his tendency for bad outcomes, but I'll drive myself and my husband crazy if I don't stop. What's going to happen, good or bad, is going to happen and all the fretting and stewing and lying awake nights won't change that one iota.
  19. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Thank you. It wasn't really a loss to my family (my son aside) because the two families never interacted much other than a great aunt on his dad's side who I have a cordial relationship with. The brother was on his dad's side and I never actually met the young man although we did become friends on Facebook and I got to know him a little. I do feel bad about his death and the way it happened, but my grief was mostly on behalf of my son because although they only met a few years ago they became very close very quickly and his death devastated my son.